In the UK - PT21 feeling stuck

[Sotto]

I recall once reading a post - I think it was by one of our vets...

She said to really imagine that your W were completely gone (perhaps even died) and you had fully finished grieving - and you were not dating.

She said sit and imagine what would be the best possible life for you given all those circumstances. What would you be doing? How would you spend your leisure time? Who would that be with? What work would you do? What would bring you pleasure?

Really taste, touch and smell what that life would be like...is that something you would find helpful?

Spend a little time on that, and when the vision of that life is fresh in your mind - start taking some steps to create that life for yourself right now....

I think it was 25yrsMLC posted that. She and her H were S for 2.5 years and reconciled. She did a lot of new stuff during that time..

Hope this helps Huddy :-)

[Sotto]

Oh, and the other thing I would say is....when I gently suggest further GAL activities, I'm not suggesting you go clubbing at all my friend...

There are so many gentle forms of GAL that still extend you a little and get you out and about with others - photography class, nature walks, book groups...whatever floats your boat really...

[NDY]

Hey Dude

Gonna bounce about your posts a little here, so apologise in advance

I know the MLC'er has to find it all out on own, but what I just don't understand is, and tis is the killer question, why? Why can't they see that everything the need and desire is right in front of them? Why the destructive path, to find, judging by most people's experiences, everything was right at the beginning, or, just sadness, lonliness and pain? I suppose if we could answer all that, we'd be rich!

Yip, why indeed? Job and Cadet have put some some excellent stuff about this on other threads. Probably a good idea for you to go seek that out. But, what does this do to help? Not a thing. As we all know the MLC'er needs to come to their own conclusions and go on their own journey to realise they have a problem. If they have a problem that is. For all we know our EX's may well be perfectly happy with the new lives they've created.

See, they say that depression is the underlying cause in a MLC. And anyone that knows anything about depression will tell you that on the surface they can appear perfectly happy but are not. But equally they can be perfectly happy and not depressed. We have no idea. Hence let it go.

I still feel that W's MLC ticked off when she entered menopause. I also felt she was getting depressed at home (am I the cause, working extra hours to cater for everything?) and I did ask her to see a doctor, but I was told I was pushing her and not soon after we reached BD. I still think it's all about her age and growing older, but I always told her how much she meant to me and how much I still fancied her. Ah well.

Even if this were true how does it help? Ok you saw an issue back then but that was then. This is now. We all know we cant argue or medicate them back to the R. So all this does is vindicate you as being the innocent party. Still wont get your M on track. May make you feel a little better but Im willing to bet your W sees it completely different to this. It's all fine pointing at a cause. But thats not the problem. Its the effect.

Back when I suspected my Ex as having a MLC (I still do btw, but thats for another day) I read an excellent article published by psycology today on the female MLC. I didnt read anything on the Male MLC so no idea if they are different or the same. But the central premis was around creating perfection. In other words. They have the near perfect life. The loving caring husband, the beautiful kids, the nice house, the good lifestyle etc but its just not ticking the boxes.They trade all that in for an upgrade. This is exactly what my Ex did. Its very shallow and materalistic but I believe a real phonemonon. I could delve into this further but its better you look into this yourself. I believe that there are a lot of remarried folk out there that are not truly happy but just can't face admitting they made the biggest mistake of their lives.

And mate, I really hope this helps. Moving on is hard. Really hard. I understand you still love your W. Your 2 year anniversery of BD is coming soon. Mine is next month. 2 Years Huddy. 2 [self censored] years. Remember that for her she was unhappy long before BD. Long before it.

Peace friend

[Huddy]

Hi Sotto

I have thought like this and continue to do as much as I can. Of course, if I had limitless supplies of money and copious time off, I'd go travelling! Thanks.

Hi NDY

Just journaling my thoughts about MLC and causes. I've seen your old life and it was pretty good. Yep, you're right, we did our best and brought home the bacon, provided the nice houses and brought great kids in to the world. When I moved to the flat, I actually got rid of a lot of stuff that I had collected over the years. Materialistic stuff that I really didn't need and wasn't of any use to me. I did actually feel better after that. Stuff just doesn't do it for me anymore, but I see what you're saying.

I keep reading and re-reading all the stuff from Cadet, Job and Jack about MLC etc. I might look up that psychology article - is it online? I suppose my biggest fear is that W does indeed realise that she has made a mistake, but is too stubborn to walk back. In the end, nothing I can do can change that.

I remember you were about six months in when I came to the board. I thought It'd be all over by now!

[NDY]

I keep reading and re-reading all the stuff from Cadet, Job and Jack about MLC etc. I might look up that psychology article - is it online? I suppose my biggest fear is that W does indeed realise that she has made a mistake, but is too stubborn to walk back. In the end, nothing I can do can change that.

Yea, google the female MLC and look for the one from the institute of psychology

I remember you were about six months in when I came to the board. I thought It'd be all over by now!

Yip, and it nearly is for me. Close to the 2nd anniversary of BD my D is all but final. It didn't work out the way I'd originally hoped but there you go. It is what it is.

When I get more time I'm going to start another thread. Not sure if this is the right place or not but I suspect MLC is at the core of my sitch as well.

[Huddy]

Hi NDY

Thanks. I will look that up today.

It is sad as I saw your house etc. and it was a beautiful home. I can imagine it was a really comfortable existence.

I think a thread from you would be good for newbies. It might put a few of them off, but I certainly welcomed your viewpoint and understanding.

[NDY]

Hi NDY

I think a thread from you would be good for newbies. It might put a few of them off, but I certainly welcomed your viewpoint and understanding.

I don't think newbies is the right forum for me. I only really came back here to see how you were doing.

[Huddy]

No not newbies, but on here where MLC newbies drift after a bit. I think your insight, especially some of your earlier thoughts and actions, might be beneficial for some people. Remember busting moves in the living room!

[NDY]

No not newbies, but on here where MLC newbies drift after a bit. I think your insight, especially some of your earlier thoughts and actions, might be beneficial for some people. Remember busting moves in the living room!

God yes. I do remember that. Feels like a million years ago now. Ok I'll have a think and start posting something up.

There was one other thing I wanted to mention to you. Remember the 50 Shades convo's? Well there's a new totally unrealistic story out there to warp minds. A female friend went to see the new Bridget Jones film. Basic premise is she's pregnant but she doesn't know who the father is. It's either the love interest on some random guy she had a one night fling with. Then the story is all about these two men chasing after her and becoming friends in the end. Oh and she marries the love interest. Seriously? Your long term girlfriend tells you shes pregnant and not sure if the baby is yours or not? And you become friends with the OM and marry the WW? Get real.

[Sotto]

"I suppose my biggest fear is that W does indeed realise that she has made a mistake, but is too stubborn to walk back."

I can understand you feeling this way and that's the really important thing to remember - she has free will and she will decide what to do. Always remember to keep your own life in your own hands and move forward yourself regardless..

"In the end, nothing I can do can change that."

I think DBing can give us a fighting chance and we can certainly stop some of the behaviours that drive others away. Whether DBing draws someone back is another thing. Some spouses do return and some don't. Hence the advice to live your life the way you want to live it right now and don't put anything on hold (apart from D and dating.)

I feel any time I mention extending yourself further or GALing you brush it off (I hope you don't mind me commenting that.) Why is that the case do you think my friend?

Hope today has been a good one for you