Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi there SH, Cherry, and Buxom. Thanks so much of stopping by. It really has been a stretch of days lately, but today feels like the trend is improving again. I'm gearing up for the next set of legal challenges, and dreading the whole thing, but I have a day or two yet to stall on that whole mess.

SH, I love the image of you sneaking in, and not wanting to be seen. I've been missing you. Pencil smile in process right this very second!!!!!

I wrote quite a bit yesterday, but you know how that goes sometimes... it disappeared before I managed to post it. So.. I will look at this as an opportunity to try, try, try again.

Yesterday wasn't all that great. I haven't dreamt of WH in months, in fact I almost never remember ANY of my dreams upon waking, but yesterday was an exception. Maybe it's because of the decrease in my ADs, maybe it was the trauma and guilt of losing my furry friend....

Regardless, that night I had two awful dreams about WH, including one which took the old ILYBINILWY thing to a new level. (I never heard that speech, by the way, so it makes the dream just that much stranger.) In the dream, I was trying to ask WH what had happened and why he had run away. He first replied that it was because of the syringe and needle caps in my pockets the whole time we were married. Huh? Now, I have to admit that, as a vet who did housecalls, I have been known to have strange stuff in my pockets, those things included, and H did mention it a couple times as a risky habit, but it was never a big deal. In the dream, I was, of course, incredulous at this response. He looked at me, stopped, got this angry/mean look on his face and said it was because he didn't even LIKE me. In fact, he went on to say that he had never liked me! The whole this was stupid because WH actually said the only reason he stuck around as long as he did was BECAUSE he liked me, but whatever... Still, it felt bad to hear, even from a dream-generated WH.

Anyway, that was my second bad dream. The first one was WH showing up at the farm, wanting to take my car, of all things, and just acting mean and smug and so unlike any way that I had ever seen him act, with the exception of the very last time I saw him in April. It was that version of WH that was in both dreams. That person is not one I'd would ever choose to be with, so I think that it may actually be a good sign that I had those dreams. My subconscious is further processing the nature of this new creature, WH, and he's not getting favorable reviews. The funny thing is that I thought I had totally accepted that fact consciously, so why would it show up in a dream, too???

I managed to get back to sleep only to have those two gems followed by yet a third bad dream - this time one in which my chickens were again locked out of their coop overnight. This time, though, their little bodies weren't torn up or eaten at all. They were flat. Not too hard to see that my guilt from two farm accidents was popping back to the surface. Ugh. What a night.

Those dreams set the tone for the day, unfortunately. I just couldn't shake that feeling of guilt and sadness all day. A neighbor came over for a couple hours, and I enjoyed spending time with her, but she was also really saddened about my cat. Everyone feels terribly about it, and none worse than me. And then I feel badly about causing their sadness, too. Deep breath.

I did spend a lot of nice time with my farm creatures for the first part of the day yesterday, and then went for a bike ride with L-friend before taking him to the airport. He's gone for a few days, so we have some built-in time apart, which is probably a good thing, though we've kept in touch.

Today I went for another bike ride (so about 32 miles ridden, total, in 2 days, which isn't bad for physical activity) and then to lunch with H-friend, and I had a really good time. She thanked me for kicking her butt on the bike ride! L-friend always comments on how strong and fit I am. I thought he was just being complimentary, but I suppose his comments have merit, given that he is pretty athletic. H-friend has done a triathlon, so her saying that I kicked her butt is kind of flattering.

Today she introduced me to her favorite species of tree, a type of oak, and we saw three immature bald eagles, as well as a heron and an egret and a bunch of other birds. We forgot our binoculars, unfortunately, so we didn't get to ID the egret or one of the ducks. I really enjoy spending time with another person who is as interested in knowing her surrounding flora and fauna as I am. We each have our own little specialties, so it's cool to be able to both learn from and share with the same person.

So, I'm thinking that the trend is I'm

Tomorrow I am going over to her house for a get-together with members of our local hiking group, so I am still out there, GALing, and meeting new people through that group.

I read this poem today, and it struck me as haunting and beautiful, so I thought I'd share it here. Maybe it will give someone else the comfort that it has given to me today.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

[Altair]

Thank you for the beautiful poem!
So appropriate for October.

[Phoebe]

Oops. my typing trailed off there for a bit. I was trying to say that I think that my well-being trend is improving again, as of today. I feel better today than I did all week, so that's something!

Maybe my AD dosage adjustment is leveling off, or maybe it's just time to feel better. Who knows what the mechanism is, but I'm happy for the result!!!

I've been watching the flocks gather into formation lately, and fall is upon us. It is my favorite time of year. May the Wild Geese remind you that the world calls to you.

Now if I could just be more diligent about my (lack of) sleeping habits... 2:30 am and all is well... though I really should be asleep. Good night, my fellow travelers.

[Painter]

That's a lovely poem, Phoebe, thanks for sharing!

I hope you're asleep still. I didn't get to bed until closer to 2am myself, and woke way too early.

Hopefully also your dreams are better. I had a lot of very vivid dreams for a long time. Many of them focused on my wish to get OW out of the house. They are getting more rare, fortunately. I think your dreams may reflect how you see WH now?

I had a very similar dream while I was still living with WH, I think I told you about it - he sits on his side of the bed with his back to me, turns around and says 'I don't love you, don't you GET IT?' with a very cold and cruel voice. Unsettling, and it stayed with me a long time.

[Phoebe]

So here I am, generally feeling quite a bit better than I was a few days ago. I've not had any more disturbing dreams, and for that, alone, I am grateful.

It's been kind of rainy and dreary the last two days, but I actually enjoy this kind of fall weather, and we desperately need the rain, so I'm not complaining in the slightest. You really can have too much of a good thing when it's sunny all the time. I learned that when I hiked in the desert southwest, so I know that rain and clouds are a very good, life-giving thing.

Yesterday's small get-together hosted by H-freind was a lot of fun. We had a potluck dinner and then all sat around and talked for a few hours. We were all active outdoor-types, so there was plenty to talk about.

I'm getting together with H-friend again tomorrow after my therapist appointment, in my usual hiking spot for post-therapy therapy! I haven't been there is a few weeks, so I'm looking forward to seeing how things have changed now that fall has arrived at the park. One of my favorite things in the world is getting to know a place and then watch it change with the seasons. I have that at my farm, but this year I'm also getting to know a few other places, and that's a really nice thing.

Fall is really beginning to show won my farm. Many apple trees are starting to ripen, and many more are starting to lose their leaves. The maples are beginning to turn, and the field edge plants are starting to go to their fall colors. Goldenrods are beginning to fade, milkweed is starting to dry up and the seed pods to split, virginia creeper and poison ivy are going to crimson. (I'd like to see more of the former and less of the latter, but that's beyond my powers...) The fall bird migration is in full swing, and my yearly fall bluebird visitors have arrived. There are many other migrants out there, but I never seem to have my binoculars with me at the right time!

My birds are still not doing all that well with their coop-training, though it was hard to decide if they were really the problem this evening. We had a severe thunderstorm and the sky darkened so quickly that it triggered the solar chicken coop door to close early. I had 8 of the 9 youngsters outside the coop at dusk. I was hoping that I'd be able to trust them to get to the right roost by this point, but apparently not so much. Silly birds. I need to find a way to train them to come for food when I call as a starting point. MY older birds always come running for a treat, but the little ones are afraid of them, so they always hang back when I call. I think that I will lock the big girls up tomorrow and engage in some serious training efforts of the young ones on their own tomorrow.

Beyond that, not too much to report around here. I hope that everyone has a quiet night and one with good sleep.

[Phoebe]

Back again, journaling.

I had a really good day today. I saw my therapist and we had a really productive talk, and then I got together with H-freind and we had a really great walk! Her D16 came along, and she is always good for some amusement. She decided that she had to take a picture of this cute little mushroom, but she had to first do some grooming of it to remove some dirt, and then she had to stage the picture by adding a few colorful leaf props. It was amusing.

H-friend then invited me to go kayaking with her on Wednesday, something I haven't done in years, so I'm pretty excited about that, too.

On the legal front, I found out today that my case in H's state has been continued until December!!! Actually I'm hella happy about that. I won't go into why that's a good thing for me, case-wise, but it really is a good thing. Beyond that, it was an enormous relief that I can avoid the possibility of seeing WH for a bit longer, and it also bought me a bit more time to be free of legal stuff, and that is always good thing.

In other news, this week I have been in email contact with a person who I met a few years ago that I first met because he makes cider. WH and I built our own press a few years ago, so haven't seen him since, but he has kept in touch at this time every year since. He's also interested in heirloom apples, and has offered to try to help me in identifying the old trees on my farm. I'm really excited to finally have to chance to make a bit of progress on that front.

I've been planting young heirloom apple trees, but I have a lot of old, old trees on my farm that make some amazingly good sweet cider. Wh and I made hard cider, too, but we were just maybe getting a handle on that process when he went AWOL. Ah well. I still have the cider press, and even though WH is no longer here, I'll be darned if the cider making goes away! H-friend is interested in making cider, as is her husband, as well as my scrap metal friend and L-friend. If I can convince them to go out and help me harvest (and H-freind brings along some of her own apples from her place), then I'm thinking that maybe a cider-making party is in order? That would be fun. Of course, I'd have to clean my house.... Ugh. I can probably manage.

Today I joined a native plants group that has a local branch. The local group is having a 5 week course on being of a steward for our own little patches of Earth. It would be in discussion format, based on reading and video assignments, plus our own reading. I contacted them to see if there are any spots still open because, not only would it be great to gain the knowledge, but it would be even better to meet a bunch of like-minded people. I found this group through H-friend. I'm starting to think that meeting her at the State Park MeetUp walk a few months ago was a very happy accident.

L-friend just got back into town tonight, so I'm hoping to get together with him tomorrow for a bike ride, or something.

As usual, I'm busy, but not too busy. Better yet, I'm feeling a whole lot better than last week at this time. I'm also feeling like I may be starting settle into nice social circle. Each of my new friends has their own friends that have welcomed me, too, and I'm enjoying meeting so many new people that never knew WH. I get to be just Phoebe, not half of the Phoebe and WH pair, and that's a totally new thing for me. I liked it the old way, but now that that has changed, it's nice not to be reminded of the old way sometimes.

Hello to Painter, SH, Cherry, BUxon, Blu, Grl, JK and everyone else I've "talked" to here. Hugs to all!!!

[Painter]

Here's to longer and longer strings of good days!

It's great that you are establishing new relationships, it sounds like you are really blooming socially compared to how you felt about it just a few months ago. If I remember right, I think you saw yourself as much more introvert than it sounds like now? You can certainly not say you are isolated, and I think it's very brave to pour yourself into new relationships like you have done.

I'm glad things are working out legally. It can feel very out of our control and that's an icky feeling. Best of luck going forward!

I love bluebirds, you're so lucky to get to host them! Always enjoy reading about your farm and the life on it.

That's an interesting problem with the automatic coop door, that a storm can make it dark enough to close. I think you might be running into the problem you get with not having a mother hen or a rooster to organize the flock. My Buff Orpington/Cochin mix 'Mother Teresa' hatched several generations of chicks from all the hens and took fantastic care of them. She would integrate them until the rooster took over. Maybe a motherly hen would help.

I'll post a little update tomorrow in my own thread about how it's going.

[Phoebe]

I'm very happy to hear from you, Painter! I really do think that I need a rooster to round these new hens up and keep them behaving.instead, I have one hen that insists upon being her own leader. Ugh! Of course, the way she and my other barred Rick chase after the cats does make me wonder just a bit if she may not actually be a 'he!'

The two of the look like hens, but one chased after ME yesterday, too. Not aggressively, but more ina 'what am I missing over here?' Kind of way. Still, my first thought was rooster, immediately followed by 'if you are you'd better not start misbehaving!!!'

I've been trying to get a male chick each of the last 2 years, but no luck thus far, and I'm reluctant to bring in an adult due to concerns about bringing in any infectious diseases to my flock. I guess I'll just have to keep herding the newbies indoors for now.

[Gale8]

Good luck Phoebe. :-)

[Painter]

I think a hen might take over the job if they don't have a rooster. I can't believe you didn't get a male, that's usually a problem that there's to many!