Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2708510&page=10

I think your idea of "tough love" really comes off as inconsistent and punishing. Tough love being a court battle when you are just going to give her what she wants was punishing. Should you be over accommodating? absolutely not. Sharing the boys clothes? That's for the boys.

She won't view it as punishing. She will view it as me being fiscally irresponsible and blame me for wasting all that money. Well she took most of my money, why can't she go buy clothes for the boys now? I am no longer her husband, where is her concern for them in order to clothe them as a single mother?

But I am still so confused. You want to tell her it's not your job to provide anymore even it's for the boys, yet you want to give her custody because you want to be able to provide for them?

Of course I will provide for the boys. I will give what is legally required if I flip the custody around. I guess I wasn't smart enough to see that all of this was a waste of time and money. Chalk it up to my misunderstanding of tough love or stubbornness.

Just think about it a little. It's like you are trying every action to prove a point, teach a lesson, or make her do something but they are so inconsistent.

I am not trying to compete, punish or teach a lesson. She has the freedom to do what she pleases whether I like it or not.

[SH_]

Jim,

I pray that you will take about 10 steps backwards and try and look at all of this with a different perspective...

This community has come out in droves with support, experienced advice, valid questions and observations...

You have received perspectives from the male point of view, the female point of view, father POV and the mother POV, veteran DBers, new Dbers, LBS of WS and WAS...

The feedback has been overwhelmingly of the same thoughts...

You ask advice, and then you shoot it down if it does not align with your POV...
There has been 2x4's there has been love, confusion and WTF? style of advice shared with you...

And the one constant is that you have stayed firm with the same themes...
The theme that if only you had not moved, you would not be in this situation...
If only you had not filed for D, you would not be in this situation...
If only you would have done what she wanted , you would not be in this situation..

The theme that you will move back to Toronto after the decision in the courts...(you say that you will wait and see what the courts say before making this decision, but you never shared what decision the court would have to make for you not to move to Toronto)...
I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you have only had one decision made and that is to go back.

Do you know what you are not addressing in your themes?
Your STBX, is a WW. According to what you have shared.
Have you not read sandi2's extensive explanations and experiences with this?
You wanted her advice most recently...and then countered most of what she shared.
Your decision does not seem to align with DB principles, sandis advice, nor the feedback of so many that have traveled the road before you.

There is a quote from Tony Robbins "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've take a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."

And since you shared a Tony Robbins quote...I am sure you know I am a big quote guy, so I have to respond to your use and interpretation...

Vanilla is correct in what she replied...

Do not confuse Tonys quote to make emphasis on the word "Decision"...His purpose for the quote was to ensure that one takes action...but I assure you he does not encourage taking poor action and then saying it was a good decision...

So google how Tony makes his decisions...I think that if you use the steps that he uses and you do so with an honest look at your options here, you will then take the right action.

JK, I do not say this to put you on the defensive, nor have you explain what you mean or don't mean...

I observe patterns...
Patterns come from repetitive behaviors and thoughts...
Patterns are habits...
Habits are often times difficult to break.
The first step to breaking any habit is to identify first that we have a poor habit.

I have shared with you on several occasions to seek out information on the "victim mentality". recently I encouraged you to seek out information on the "relationship martyr".

Have you looked at the information for these?
Your story and thread contains much patterns of behavior that align with these concepts.

Some of the signs that are patterns in your threads-
Asking for suggestions for your issues and then rejecting it-Relationship Martyr
Defensivness-Victim mentality
Behave as if you are trapped, but better solutions are available-Relationship Martyr
Set self up for failure-Victim mentality
Appear very capable to others, but may see yourself dependent on your S-Relationship Martyr
Passive agressive tendencies -Victim mentality

Another Tony Robbins quote to ponder on.

"We will act consistently with our view of who we truly are, whether that view is accurate or not."


JmKao,

I hesitate to post this as you appear very set in your decision and rightfully so.
You are your own man, and you should go with your heart, mind and soul...
We all should make decisions with such conviction...

I share this with you and then will step back.
I do so while lending you all of my support, my compassion, and heartfelt concern for a fellow father that has gone through a very difficult ordeal that I do know the pain that comes with it...I will never understand the pain of being married for a handful of years and having 5 sons when the BD comes, but I can understand the dark cloud and extreme sense of loss and desire for it all to end when the BD comes...

I do pray for you and your family daily...You are in my thoughts often as I cheer for good things to happen.

I have said this to you several times and I will say it again, You are an awesome example to many fathers out there for what you have done in this past year with 5 young sons...5 young boys that would not have a father if you had not come along and had compassion and true love in your heart to adopt them and make them a part of your family...
Jim, you are not a perfect man, you have not made all good decisions, but who of us have?
I simply pray that you step out of yourself...heed the very sound advice you have been given from experienced persons...get on your knees and pray to whatever power you hold dear to your heart...and open your heart to listen...listen...take time to clear your head... be in a place of peace and calm before any decision is made.


You will not regret whatever decision you make if you do this...

JimKao I support you and will be available for you no matter the path you choose.

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
Tony Robbins

May you find peace in your heart and calm in your spirit and strength in your resolve to be the best dam father for those precious young boys.

[Rose888]

Before you reached a custody and support agreement, you seemed focused on the boys and what was good for them and getting to spend time with them.

And you got a lot of time with them.

But you don't seem at all happy about that.

Now you seem focused on the money, to the point of thinking the parent who has them one or two weekends a month should have to clothe 5 growing boys for her weekends.

Why is that?

And is that really the mental attitude you want to make important decisions from?

[Mach1]

So Jim....



What do YOU want ??

Why does it benefit you ???

Why does it benefit the kids ???

How does it make you a better man ??

How does it make you a better Father ??

How do you plan on getting there ????

Why did you make that decision ??

How do you plan to adhere to your decision ???

Why are you making the decision ???

How can I help you with your decision ???

[J5K]

SH,

I do not expect the court to change anything in the decision of what we agreed upon. But if they do, the only way I would consider to stay is if they awarded me some money back that she took. I cannot buy a place here or in Toronto with the money I will have.

I have no control over STBX's waywardness. That is hers to own and explain to her boys in the future. I do not feel like my choices enable her actions. My choices are made for the best interest of the boys and myself. If I am not healthy and financially stable, then the boys have nothing in the end.

The fact that STBX uses everyone for her benefit is not something I can control either.

I did look up Tony Robbins youtube video on decision. He said focus = feelings. If I don't focus on my health, then I will not be able to feel good with the boys. If I don't focus on my job then I will not perform to the best of my ability and be able to provide financially to them.

Tony also asked 3 questions:

What should I focus on?

Me and the boys and my job.

What does this mean?

He asked what do you do in the beginning of an R? You do anything for the person you are in the relationship with. 5 years down the road it changes and you start to change or criticize and do less of the things you did in the past for the other like happily take out the garbage.

If I look at this like it is the beginning again, maybe I will see more positive results, even if it is just being the best co-parents possible.

Is this the end or is this the beginning? If I look at this like this is the beginning and with a positive focus, then I may get positive results, not for my R with STBX but for the boys.

The last question he asked is What should I do? So he states when you get a meaning and a feeling, you will take an action or pull back. I no longer want to pull back.



Sandi's 37 rules apply to my R with STBX and not the discussions we have about the boys. Maybe I need to be more aware of how to separate the two. I do not feel it is a poor decision for me to move up there. I feel that it is the best thing for the boys so they have both parents in the same city.

I am not the victim and I am not a relationship martyr. I may not like the outcome of this sitch but I have to accept the reality. I am who I am and I will always be true to myself.

My writing skills and communication may not be the best and possibly get misinterpreted. I just want to be the best person I can be for them because at this point, I am both physically and mentally burnt out with no time for myself.

I will miss them dearly on the days they are not with me but they will always be in my heart.

Rose,

I guess I still have a lot of feelings and emotions to process that will take time to heal. I plan on giving her what she needs so the boys can dress fancy for Thanksgiving. I do not want to be petty. That is not what I want to be.

[J5K]

So Jim....



What do YOU want ??

I want to be able to work on my health, be the breadwinner for my boys, be fiscally responsible, and start to build a positive co-parenting relationship.

Why does it benefit you ???

Gives me time to work on myself and work some additional hours to make money to provide for the boys. Also puts me in a city that has more people to meet and keep my mind off of STBX.

Why does it benefit the kids ???

No 10 hour round trip travels for the next 15 years once a month. If I bring them back to Michigan it will only be 4 to 6 times per year. Both parents live in the same city and we may potentially do things together as a family.

How does it make you a better man ??

I keep my commitment that I made to my family about moving there in the first place. (Man of my word). I show my boys that I am not fearful of change and show them that I am strong and emotionally stable.

How does it make you a better Father ??

Although it may be less time, the time I spend with them will be healthy. I will be more energetic and help them to make better choices if I have a clear mind as I continue to focus on improving my health through quitting smoking and exercising.

How do you plan on getting there ????

Company will transfer me and help me relocate.

Why did you make that decision ??

I just feel like I need a change also. I made a list and objectively weighed the pros and cons between living in Michigan vs. Toronto.

How do you plan to adhere to your decision ???

Action.

Why are you making the decision ???

In the best interest of the family.

How can I help you with your decision ???

Ensure that I am not doing this for STBX. Support me in developing healthy boundaries with STBX. Ensure my statements and actions have a potentially positive outcome for the boys and myself, regardless of STBX's statements, thoughts and actions.

[mvgfwd2]

Well if you go there make sure whatever modifications to the D custody, spousal support, etc. are also court approved and enforceable in Canada. Don't be bushwacked by her challenging the new agreement in Canadian courts and taking away everything. If there is a way to do it she will. I would also suggest that you get some additional concessions from her for making this move. Like, maybe give some of the money back, or you get them for every Christmas, US Thanksgiving, father's day, and all your vacation days, or she goes to an IC, on her dime, to fix her selfish ways, or she has to pay 50% of school/college for all of them, just something so it looks less like you just rolled over. I fear she would forever stick it to you about how she got you to do what she wanted, and if you only .... in the beginning. yada yada yada. You know she will just beat you to death with that. Make an agreement that she will respect you and not despise you.

[J5K]

Agree.

I need something in return.

[J5K]

So I spoke with the psychologist that did the eval. She is upset that I am changing gears but understands the financial portion. She is upset that both of us adopted 5 boys. I stated that I understood and talked to STBX about the risk of doing that but that never stopped STBX from moving forward with the adoption. Psychologist said she is concerned on how STBX will raise the boys, I agreed and said that is out of my control when she has them.

I also spoke with my L after. I guess the court forced STBX to do proofs today and so a judgment will be finalized within 21 days. L advised I do not bring the custody change up until the judgment is complete, I agreed.

I also spoke to DB coach yesterday. He understood my financial concern and said that if I do speak with her about changing custody around that I should just tell her it took me time to process and that I now understand her POV and leave it at that and see what STBX says.

It is clear to me now that STBX has had this planned for sooooo long. I let emotions dictate my actions. The best thing I can do at this point is ensure my boys are financially stable. STBX will only be able to save the money that she gets from the subsidy and child support from me to provide to them in the future. I will be able to contribute from my salary. I pray that she and I can give them the love and attention that they need.

I understand that most everyone that will read this post will not like or agree with what I am doing and I understand that. I truly do feel like it is the best thing though even if that means me sacrificing some time with the boys. My heart hurts so much just thinking about what I am doing. That is what got me into this mess in the first place. It is not a bad thing that people act on how their heart feels but it may result in poor decisions and actions.

[Rose888]

Jim, you are still playing the victim. You could have stopped the adoption at any point by saying that you didn't want to adopt the boys. You didn't. That's on you, not your STBXW.

And although you can't control how she parents, you absolutely can control how much time she spends with the kids. You are choosing to increase the amount of time they spend with a person whose parenting skills make the psychologist concerned.

Sit with that for a minute.

Yes, your life will be more stressful, at least at first. (As they get older, it will be easier for you to get time for yourself.)

Yes, you will have less money.

Neither of those are as important as the commitment you made to the boys when you adopted them.

Now is the time to man up.

I know this isn't want you want to hear. And I have no illusion you will accept this. But I felt a moral obligation to say it.

I'm stepping away from your thread.