Here we go again....

[TxHubby]

I worry when I hear the "I need space" line. You and I are veterans of these things. 99.999% of the time when a spouse says "I need space" when suggesting separating what it really means is:

"There is an OM/OW and I want to pursue something with them. I'd like you to hang around as my fallback plan in case that doesn't work out."

I wish that's not what it mean but it almost always does. I feel you on the detaching. It can be tough. I couldn't do it and then one day it just happened and I was detached. That has been a challenge for us during our reconciliation and reconnection. My W is fully attached/connected. I am but to a lesser degree. I didn't fake the DB process. I really did detach. At that point I wasn't sure I even wanted her anymore. After all, she was a cheater. Who the heck wants a cheater?

Look into the "I need space" statement further without looking like you're looking into it. If there is someone else that changes the strategy so it's important to know.

[matw]

I worry when I hear the "I need space" line. You and I are veterans of these things. 99.999% of the time when a spouse says "I need space" when suggesting separating what it really means is:

"There is an OM/OW and I want to pursue something with them. I'd like you to hang around as my fallback plan in case that doesn't work out."

Thanks TxHubby.. This really hit home. I think I have always known that's what this really means. Its pretty obvious if you think about it rationally. Problem is its hard to be rational about it unless you detach. I am slowly seeing the importance of detaching and getting her out of my head.


journaling...

So yesterday I was sitting in my office feeling sorry for myself.. I was looking at my phone every 5 minutes to see if she had texted me or not. Then I realized that the reason I am upset isn't because she hasn't texted me its because I AM sitting here waiting for her to text me. I am giving her control over my emotions and I need to work on stopping that.

As I mentioned earlier my goal is to get back to getting my private pilots license. I need to work on getting my medical cert before I am allowed to fly solo. I had 2 DUI's - One 12 years ago and one over 5 years ago. The FAA wants me to go see a special Medical Examiner to see if I need to be monitored for substance abuse. I haven't had a drink since my last DUI. My last one was a big eye opener. I was hit by another car and my Jeep flipped on its side. I broke my neck at the C6 vertebrae. While I was recovering from that I made the decision I would never drink again and haven't. So once I decide I was done looking at my phone I started calling the FAA to find out what exactly they wanted me to do, I call Medical Examiners to find out who I could go see, and requested my medical records to be sent to them. I texted my Flight Instructor and told him I was coming back to see him! I stayed busy and didn't think about my W for the entire time. I started getting excited again about the prospect of getting my pilots license. So happy to say I will be meeting with the doctor on October 18th for my evaluation.

So last night I went to the gym where my W works and picked up my kids. Talked to her a little bit then left to take them to the library. My S10 has to do a biography book report so we went to find one he would enjoy and that would interest him. My S9 and D3 played in the little kids club they have there. It was an enjoyable hour for the 4 of us.

We went home and while we were getting in our pj's my S9 comes up and give me a hug. He tells me, "I can tell your losing weight.. before I couldn't get my arms around you but now I can." Well that just put the biggest smile on my face and I hugged him for a good minute after that. I have lost 50 lbs since April and am on my way to doing a bodybuilding competition in April 2017. So to hear him say that meant more to me than anything anybody else could have said.

W comes home around 9pm and we eat dinner together. We are actually having some good conversation joking and playing around. We head upstairs to get our D ready for bed and W jumps in the shower. After she is done my W was like did you notice a package on the front doorstep? I said no but didn't look. She went down and looked but it wasn't there. She tells me she is going to look in the mailbox to see if its there. Comes back a little bit later with a package for me. This was the gift she had told me about last week. I open it and its an Incredible Hulk Blender Bottle. She says, "I saw this and it made me think of you. You have been doing awesome with the working out and I want you to keep it up." I am a huge Incredible Hulk fan and she knows that. I am not looking to much into it and know this was probably just another way for her to keep me attached.

So we go to bed and I am up early this morning to hit the gym. I see I have a notification on FB that she tagged me and I like it. Then she texts me this morning saying she is happy I like my new blender bottle. Then a little bit of small talk and I have decided to stop texting for the day unless its something important. Here is to another day.

[TxHubby]

So what's the status currently? She wants to play house all sweet but is still moving out in November? Basically, she likes to eat cake?

[matw]

That is exactly what it is looking like right now. She is probably one of the ultimate cake eaters and I know that I am a fool to allow it to continue. I think it will be a lot easier once she is out of the house and in her apartment. Sort of the out of sight out of mind thing. I think the hardest part is I haven't caught her in any lies or doing anything she isn't supposed to be doing. She doesn't text anybody while in our bed, she comes home when she is supposed to, tells me where she is going, she doesn't hide her phone from me, clear browsing history/etc... She stopped being angry with me all the time and actually has conversations with me. Yeah we don't text all day like we used to but that wasn't very healthy and probably very codependent on my part. So I think I am just waiting and being patient until something comes up. TxHubby, you and I both agree that "needing space" is more about needing space away from me to do whatever she wants to do. I want you to know that I really do feel that is what is going on. I guess I am just unsure of what my next move is and have more of a wait and see attitude. I know that once she is out of the house I probably won't see her more than when we exchange kids.

I am still doing my stuff with the pilots license, going to the gym, spending as much time as possible with my kids. I am slowly trying to detach from everything and realizing that the only person in this world I can control is myself.

[TxHubby]

I too got the "need space" at one point. I lived your limbo for over two years. I gave her space alright. I had her served with divorce papers. She called shocked. I said I'm giving you all the space you want. You're free. Go find whatever you're looking for and I'll do the same. I'm not saying it will work in every case but it did in mine. That snapped her out of it. I flipped the script. She started with the constant effort to engage with me. I got the "I woke up and realized what I was going to lose". I went from pursuer to pursued. I was "meh" about the whole thing because I had truly decided I was done and was looking forward to moving on.

Women are strange. Maybe men too. If you want them, they'll find it easy to pull away from you. When you don't want them then they'll want you. They want what they don't or can't have.

I'm not telling you to have her served but it works. No more limbo. You force the issue with your wife. It's "either you're in this marriage or you're not, I'd like to stay married but I'll be just fine without you." Don't linger in limbo. That life [censored] and you start wishing for death.

[matw]

Hey TxHubby I want to let you know how much I appreciate you posting and sharing your story with me. Your right the limbo is a mind killer and I don't want to live in it any longer than I need to. I just feel right now I can't give her the your either in this or your not right now. I called an IC and am waiting for a call back to see when I can get in. Its actually the guy we were to MC for and I really liked/connected with him. I am sure I am going to get the same advice.. I guess I am waiting because I think it will be easier to get the, "I am not in this", when she is out of the house and in her own apartment. Then it will be a lot easier to transition to NC (except about the kids). I am going to keep journaling and I want you to keep me honest.

[TxHubby]

I understand. It took me a while to force the issue. Don't wait too long. It's brutal. Definitely employ the DB rules. The longer you let her "get away with it" the less she'll respect you. Women don't respect cuckolds and if you know she's cheating and do nothing about it then that's what you become. Even if you file and have her served there's nothing saying you two have to go through with it. That depends on her actions. She'd have a lot of work to do to repair the damage she has caused by her hurtful and disrespectful actions. She has destroyed her integrity. She's not an honorable person right now and it will take a lot of work to get that back. Do the 180, the 37 rules and if you have to say anything to her then tell her you won't be in a marriage with someone having an affair. It's too disrespectful to you and you won't be disrespected like that. Honestly my man, limbo does nothing but worsen your position in all this.

[matw]

So last night something interesting happened... I went to pick up my kids from the daycare at the gym my wife works at. As we are leaving for some god awful reason I tell her I missed her today. She then says oh yeah, "D and I had a very busy day today" From some reason her answer just makes me angry and wasn't what I wanted to hear. Then I blurt out, "You could at least say it.. just be nice to hear" She looked at me sort of confused and I say, "Sorry I just have a lot of things on my mind that we can talk about this weekend"

I get the kids in the car and see I have a text message from her -

W - So whats going on?
M - I just have a lot going on in my mind and I apologize just sort of bubbled up there for a second. I didn't mean to sound snappy if I did
W - No your ok. You can tell me later

Obviously I didn't want to bring it up while she is working and I am avoiding the R talks as much as possible. I just couldn't help it for some reason. This was probably the first time I felt anger.. not just sadness about the sitch but actual anger. For a split second I didn't want to work on my M and all I could think about was I will not live like this. I feel that I need to get to that place without the anger but with detachment. So I am not sure what I will say to her this weekend if she brings it up....

So W had a girls night out with one of best friends at a local bar here. She came home from work and I drove her over to the bar to meet up. That way if she took Lyft she wouldn't have to worry about her car today. She posted a FB picture of her and her friend at the place around 1030. I took a benedryl because I knew I would have a hard time falling asleep. I woke up a little after 1 am to a text saying - On my way home. This was strange because a few months ago when we were doing good I had told her that I didn't sleep well when she went out and it was nice when she texted me when she was on her way home so I knew she was safe. Since we have been having issues she hasn't done this at all. For some reason she felt the need to do it last night. Not looking to much into it just thought it was interesting. She came home a bit intoxicated and we talked about her night and how much fun she had. Then off to bed for both of us.

This morning I woke up and got my kids ready. Then drove them over to my fathers house so he could take my S9 & S10 to school and watch my D3 for the day. This will be a normal thing once my W moves to her apartment. We have already decided I would have them Thurs and Friday nights because of work and workout schedules. Other days are still up in the air right now.

[matw]

journaling...

So this last weekend was decent but not the best. My W on Saturday was pretty hostile towards me.. very short 1 word answers and really didn't seem to want to be around me. We went out to dinner with my parents and she eventually started acting better.

On Sunday we woke up and took the kids over to my parents house so we could go hit the gym. We worked out together and she was for the most part pretty decent to me. She kept introducing me to people as her husband. Which she hasn't been lately doing.. more just talking to them while I sit on the sidelines. We went to breakfast together and had a little talk. Nothing to much but I couldn't help myself. Not sure how it got brought up but I said something along the lines that I have been giving her space and she told me she noticed it and appreciated it very much. She also asked me how come I didn't talk her out of our D3 when she said she wanted a baby. She told me that she feels like she only knows how to be a mom because we had our S9 & S10 when she was so young. I also have a feeling she resents that she made the decision to quit her job after our D3 was born. She admitted it was her decision and took responsibility for it but make the comment it was a good job. I know we are not suppose to mind read but I am thinking from all her comments that being a wife/mother/caretaker is just extremely hard on her and she is wondering what if she didn't do those things...

So after breakfast we went to a corn maze and pumpkin festival with the kids. We all had a lot of fun and my W took pictures of all of us and posted them to FB. She hasn't included me in any pictures in a long time but did this time. So it was a bit odd... I can tell she is probably just trying to keep me attached... aka cake eating... When we got home we did our meal prep and pretty much stayed out of each others way. Its very strange.. we are pretty much like roommates.

Yesterday went pretty well.. She texted me in the morning looking for our D3 shoes and if I had seen them. Then later in the day to let me know she isn't working Thanksgiving - We plan on spending it together as a family even though she will be in the apartment. I waited an hour before texting her back saying that's to bad because she could really use the money. Then while I was driving home she calls me letting her know she was on her way home and excitly told me about her workout. It was different than what she has been doing. Not sure what to make of it. Last night was more of the same.. just acting like roommates.. Its very confusing but I am trying to act like I have more confidence that I do.

Today so far we haven't spoken and I don't plan on texting her at all... Although I am having such a hard time detaching.. She is all I can think about which is so dumb.. I also realize I am doing things for her and in the back of my mind hoping it makes her happier. I have to stop this or its going to just prolong this whole situation. Easier said than done but its what I have to do... I just miss my W so much and wish we could turn this around.

[matw]

So a question for the group... Last night driving home from dinner my S9 asks me why mom seems so angry and annoyed with him and my S10. I just told him mommy is stressed out about her job and getting everything done with work. I told them I am here if they ever need to talk about anything on their mind. I told them I love them and being a father means I will always love them. They said they understood and they loved me.

We haven't told our S9&S10 that my W will be moving to an apartment in November. We plan on doing it later this month to give them a few weeks to get used to the idea. My question is do I bring it up to the W that my kids are feeling that way? With her attitude right now I have a feeling I will get something along the lines that I am turning the kids on her or she doesn't care that the boys feel that way. I am thinking I just leave it alone unless I see something extremely serious and just be there for my boys. Any thoughts?