Hopefully you can find that happiness is a choice more than a goal... I know that may sound like voodoo or magic as you are in a fuzzy place, but when you realize this, you will know that you can choose to be happy this moment... and when this moment has passed you can choose to be happy in the next... Happiness is a choice, not an outcome.
Google this... How to stop worrying and start living...
It saved me years ago, and the lessons have benefited me through this.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
So ... hope you are all doing well. I am just updating my status here. It is not good.
I was attending 'intensive outpatient therapy' at the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I was called into work for a meeting. I thought that it was a standard status update about my current project, but I was wrong - I was let go or 'laid off' from my job. This was about a week ago. They gave me a couple of reasons:
-the company has run into financial problems due to consulting projects falling through -also, despite the fact I've always had excellent performance reviews. Ever since my separation and divorce from my wife started in May, my performance has gone downhill.
I can't argue with that, I've been trying. But even I'll admit that I've been an emotional wreck ever since this stuff started happening to me. I think my former employers are decent people. But when you are going through a divorce you are not at your best, in fact you're probably at your worst. It's hard to focus at work. It's not like being sick - for instance, when you have the flu - you take a few days off and return to work and it's back to normal again. A divorce is something that can take months or even years to work through - and it changes you. My employers deserve a functional employee.
So I took a few days off - I spent time with the kids. I basically sat at home watching baseball and feeling despondent. But I started to call recruiters and I have some interviews lined up next week. I've been preparing for them all weekend.
I think this might be a blessing in disguise. There's a chance I may wind up with a better job, a promotion or a raise. Money is money. I could also use a change of scenery. Another blessing of being laid off is - it occurred to me that I am not sad and depressed about my wife anymore. At this point she is the least of my worries, after money, having to move to a new house, and now having to find a new job. I don't have to sit around and feel sad about her.
It also occurred to me that at this point - I could give a f**k about my ex wife. I don't want her back. At this point I'm focused on getting back on my feet, and looking towards the future.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Sorry to hear about this recent development. That's capitalism for you. No loyalty. What happened to when your boss would have you over for dinner, express some concerns about you PERSONALLY, and try to find a way to get you the help you need to get through this...and as a result also maintain a long time talented employee that might appreciate that and reciprocate?
I guess that's marriages for you too. The thought of a woman bailing on her man when things get tough is about the sickest thing in the world. I know in your case this was the effect, not the cause. But in general if I think about what it is that makes me distrustful of humans it is that these days too many people treat their social life with the same short term selfishness that corporations use when they make these decisions.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sorry to hear the bad news. Before my current ordeal, the loss of my previous job was probably the most stressful thing I had gone through. I wouldn't want it to happen again, but I see that there are much worse things in life. It's good that you have a good attitude!
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I also don't blame myself. What could I have done? I was thinking about the absolute hell that I've been going through - having to live out of a suitcase for six months, my wife leaving, not being able to see my kids, my emergency surgery, having the cops called on me, losing my house. Wtf man, I'm just trying to cope. I mean I was in the hospital for a month, and then confined to bedrest for another month.
I think if someone would have come up to me and said - hey you need to buckle down at work buddy. I don't think i could have done it. I did the best I could.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Hey I’m just checking in. I lost my job about 4 weeks ago. I took a week off, during which I sat around feeling sorry for myself and watching baseball. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been on a ton of phone interviews and in person interviews. About a week and a half into it I got an offer - the problem is, the company lowballed me and I would have had to take a 10% pay cut from my previous salary. I was pretty upset and angry about this - and after thinking it over, I told them - I would like a week to think about it. I was hoping that in that week I would get a better offer from another company - but none of my final interviews in that time came through. So at the end of the week I called them to accept the job - but they told me they had to give the job to someone else.
So now I’m freaking out. I have a ton of interviews coming up, phone and in person. On one hand I’m grateful that I still have other possibilities at this point. On the other hand I’m frustrated, scared, worn out, and I wish this job hunt was over. I can’t handle it right now. There’s just too much going on in my life right now:
-I’m still in love with my wife, also I think I hate her at least on some level at this point for what she’s put our family through. Not that she cares, in fact from the way she’s treated me at least in our limited contact these days, it’s as if she hates me or is could care less about me. I’m also missing my kids like crazy, and the prospect of spending Thanksgiving away from them this year is almost too much to bear. I’m basically still an emotional wreck, I’m heartbroken, scared, lonely, sad, and lost every minute of the day.
-We have to sell our house, and I have to move out by the end of the month. I’ve had to look for a new apartment - the one I chose to sign a lease on is a really big step down from where I live now. Almost anything is a step down. I had to sign the legal papers to make the house sale final the other day, it was another arrow through my heart. We had worked for so long to buy our dream house, I planned to raise my kids in this house - now that dream is really dead.
They say that 3 of the biggest stress factors in a person’s life include: divorce, moving to a new house, and losing your job. I’m going through all 3 at the same time.
These interviews also don’t help. I’m a software developer. Our field is notorious for having a grueling and difficult interview process. I’ve had to stand in front of 5 senior developers and do binary number manipulations in my head, I’ve had to write full Java programs out with a pen an paper. In our field you need very calm and focused, and intense concentration.
Suffice it to say, I’m having a hard time dealing with interviews in my emotional state. I’m still in a state of deep depression right now. I remember I watched a video about depression during divorce in my Divorce Care group - people were saying stuff like - when I was going through my divorce, it took an hour and a half for me to shower and get ready in the morning, I’d stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth - I’d snap out of it and realize 30 minutes had gone by while I was lost in thought. That’s how it is for me - probably worse, I was hospitalized for depression, I was in the outpatient program who had just gotten out of the ER for cutting themselves.
But I have to go on, I have no other choice. Bills are piling up, my bank account is dwindling. I have to move whether I like it or not, or whether I like the place I have to move to. I just need a job right now, preferably a good paying job at a good company. I need a steady paycheck and a routine so I can get to a stable place.
I have accepted that I’ve lost my ex wife. Right now it’s about survival for me. I have to stop this free fall that I’m on. I have to get to a place where I know where I’m going to live, when I’m going to see my kids, where I have a routine and money and can focus on nursing myself back to health. That’s it. Things are pretty grim, but I have to keep going.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I know what it means to be fatigued to the soul by this. I had the benefit of getting some parental time with my children, but that added a new layer of responsibility on top of a full time job that I hadn't had to contend with before, plus the grocery shopping, house stuff that XW used to do as a SAHM, bills, doctors appointments, etc. It was simply too much.
What worked for me is that I had a strong support group:
My DB Coach. My Lawyer. My IC. My parents. This forum.
Every step of the way I had good advice. I didn't have to solve all of my own problems. I could just follow the instructions of the experts, and do what I needed to do in front of me.
The other thing I grew strong at was living in the moment. I quit thinking expansively. Thoughts about how it would feel to go through this for years, or forever, concern about how long I could keep it up, what my life would be like in the future, etc, I just put them to bed. I started living life day by day. Day by day. Day by day. I couldn't plan my future. I didn't know where I'd live, when I'd see my kids, what my job would be, pretty much anything. But I knew what I'd be doing that day. And I developed faith that while things might not be easy, I'd handle them.
Ultimately it was this faith in myself that saved me. I learned that the road would open up and while I couldn't see my future, it would be there. Someone once said it was like driving through the fog, you couldn't see the road in front of you, but each 50 feet you'd see that the road continued a little more, and you just knew it would keep going even when you couldn't see it. And I had faith that while it might be difficult, I'd continue to find the best course of action for whatever situation arose, and while it might not be what I wanted, I'd keep being appreciative for what I still had and that would get me through.
Appreciation. That was another big one. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'd spend a few minutes really being appreciative for what I had. I even had a hypnotist make me a recording I'd listen to every morning, part of the time was about feeling the hurt I'd been in, then it would be letting go of it, little by little, then feeling appreciation for what I had, those I loved, etc, until I was almost in tears for how much I appreciated what I had, and then allowing my energy to build as my day's plans took clarity, and then I'd finally get out of bed feeling like I'd put aside my boulder of pain for the day and ready to take on today's challenge.
So- good support group, one day at a time, faith that whatever comes you'll find the best way forward, and a tremendous focus on appreciation daily for what you have in your life.
Of course you could always move to the Bahamas and operate a banana stand and get high on the beach every day. This was my fall back position if everything else went south...
Hang in and keep posting.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sorry to hear you are battling 3 things at the same time. I hope you find some peace over the next few days.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I know what it means to be fatigued to the soul by this. I had the benefit of getting some parental time with my children, but that added a new layer of responsibility on top of a full time job that I hadn't had to contend with before, plus the grocery shopping, house stuff that XW used to do as a SAHM, bills, doctors appointments, etc. It was simply too much.
What worked for me is that I had a strong support group:
My DB Coach. My Lawyer. My IC. My parents. This forum.
Every step of the way I had good advice. I didn't have to solve all of my own problems. I could just follow the instructions of the experts, and do what I needed to do in front of me.
The other thing I grew strong at was living in the moment. I quit thinking expansively. Thoughts about how it would feel to go through this for years, or forever, concern about how long I could keep it up, what my life would be like in the future, etc, I just put them to bed. I started living life day by day. Day by day. Day by day. I couldn't plan my future. I didn't know where I'd live, when I'd see my kids, what my job would be, pretty much anything. But I knew what I'd be doing that day. And I developed faith that while things might not be easy, I'd handle them.
Ultimately it was this faith in myself that saved me. I learned that the road would open up and while I couldn't see my future, it would be there. Someone once said it was like driving through the fog, you couldn't see the road in front of you, but each 50 feet you'd see that the road continued a little more, and you just knew it would keep going even when you couldn't see it. And I had faith that while it might be difficult, I'd continue to find the best course of action for whatever situation arose, and while it might not be what I wanted, I'd keep being appreciative for what I still had and that would get me through.
Appreciation. That was another big one. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'd spend a few minutes really being appreciative for what I had. I even had a hypnotist make me a recording I'd listen to every morning, part of the time was about feeling the hurt I'd been in, then it would be letting go of it, little by little, then feeling appreciation for what I had, those I loved, etc, until I was almost in tears for how much I appreciated what I had, and then allowing my energy to build as my day's plans took clarity, and then I'd finally get out of bed feeling like I'd put aside my boulder of pain for the day and ready to take on today's challenge.
So- good support group, one day at a time, faith that whatever comes you'll find the best way forward, and a tremendous focus on appreciation daily for what you have in your life.
Of course you could always move to the Bahamas and operate a banana stand and get high on the beach every day. This was my fall back position if everything else went south...
Hang in and keep posting.
Phenomenal post and advice zues! Well stated, and thoughts that all LBS should heed...if they truly want to break the cycle of spinning and self destruction.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
