The phantom cyclist - journey leg 2

[AndrewP]

AndrewP, you are still in the fight. [CT1118 bows deeply in your direction].

Thanks CT1118. Today I feel like I've been worked over by a rubber hose - nothing has actually happened, but it's Sunday - always a tough day and as I'm sure you could tell from my recent posts I am in fact struggling to figure out why / what / how for myself. Imagine if you will of a boxer sitting on his stool after 5 very tough rounds. I don't know if you've ever fought competitively (I used to be a wrestler in high school) but even those short rounds can take a lot out of you. I'm wiping my head with my towel and trying to figure out - do I want to stand up? Do I want to throw my towel into the ring and walk away? I know that the "right" thing to do is to stand up and fight again and that's the sort of personality I have - I don't walk away from a fight - but you can't blame a guy for thinking about it. I have no idea how many more rounds there are to go, I don't know if my opponent has sneaked some weights into his gloves, and I don't know if perhaps joining the ballet might have been a better career choice - I understand someone around here might have a spare tutu.

While I have this post open I might as well journal. Sorry that it's rather rambling, disjointed and out of order. That's the way I'm feeling today.

Nothing happened on the W front, nothing was expected to. Still total silence. I ran into W's boss at his shop across the street and the fact that I missed W and wanted her home spilled out when he asked how I was doing. I've been feeling "the lonely" a fair bit lately - to be expected I suppose. And no - before people start chiming in with GAL and get out and around people, this isn't the sort of lonely that can be fixed that way. I'm sure pretty much everyone reading though knows what I mean. I don't expect the message to be passed on to W via her boss at all so no harm done I suppose.

Last night I ended up not going to the hockey game in part because I felt slightly under the weather and didn't want to re-trigger the illness I had a couple of weeks ago. I stayed home and watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire instead. It brought back happy memories. W had started a Harry Potter marathon with me and we watched a movie every week or so together until the A started and she no longer had any interest in spending evenings cuddled up on the couch with me. A good movie though - I enjoyed it and remembering good times with W was nice.

On Friday I had called D24 and had a pretty good chat with her. She is very much in favour for me coming down to visit her and her H in Virginia in March on my birthday (not sure if I journaled this already). Much better than my original plan of sitting home and getting blind drunk. My prior birthday was when W confirmed that she was indeed intending on leaving me. We had a discussion of the difference between Girl Guide cookies (Canadian) and Girl Scout cookies (American). D24 had been a Girl Guide here and that was actually a big part of W's identity as well being a leader for many many years. One of several things that she got progressively angry about and walked away from leaving the girls and fellow leaders in the lurch. Half the boxes in the front porch are stuff that she should have passed on to the new leader. Anyhoo - since there were no longer Girl Guide cookies easily available in the house and since I have no clue on what sort of "stuff" might be going on between W and the remaining leaders I checked and ended up driving about 45 minutes to a local fair where there were girls selling cookies. I picked up a nice autumn wreath for the house too - the leaves are just about to be in full symphony here. Since I was in the neighbourhood I also popped in for a visit and a cup of tea with SIL1 and my oldest brother being careful to not talk about W around him - he's very angry and refuses to be in the room while she's discussed. SIL1 continues to believe that W has a master plan to file for D suddenly and unexpectedly once the 1 year clock runs out. I agreed that was indeed possible but expressed doubts.

Saturday I was also able to pick up my fresh roses - didn't count the thorns and flirted a bit with the lady working there. She seems nice and as I've written ad-nauseum I have a lot of doubts some days about my future path. Absolutely nothing has been started, not even going out for coffee. I'm not even completely sure she's unattached. She does know that W has left me though but not any of the details which are private anyway.

Laundry was mostly done yesterday but the heavy cleaning never was done. I'll do the basics next weekend. To be honest, with just me and the cats, there's not a lot of heavy cleaning to do.

Woke up this morning feeling blue and not wanting to get out of bed. I did eventually, packaged up the cookies for D24 and mailed them off - costing about 50% more for postage than the actual cookies.

I had decided that I needed to get out of the house and took myself out to breakfast at the place where W and I used to go. No tables when I arrived so I headed towards a nature reserve that W used to say she would go to for "walks" when in fact she was going to see OM. Another place reclaimed for myself. I had a nice hike for about an hour and got some fairly nice pictures. Since D24 is still wearing shorts I sent her some SnapChats of the autumn leaves and scenes. I then went back to the restaurant, got a table and was able to have a fairly nice lunch accompanied by Jane Austen. I stopped on the side of the road by a marshy area and gathered some wild grasses and wildflowers that I then used at home to decorate the house a bit. W did that in the first few years we lived here and I decided that I want the house to look nice and so decided to do some decorating of the outside. It looks quite nice.

My ironing is finished a short while ago - it takes me about an hour and half to get through it - I'm not a pro and I take my time. I find that mindless mechanical tasks like that relaxing and always have. Lately it's been feeling more like a chore than a release though - not sure what's going on in my brain these days. I may bring this up on my next visit to my IC next week.

Soon it's going to be time to make supper - grilled cheese sandwiches and creamy tomato soup - one of my favourite comfort foods that W would make. I've never tried to make a creamy tomato soup before - hopefully it will work out OK.

My social media blackout continues - I'll probably end it quietly on Wednesday. Facebook misses me and has sent me a bunch of emails to remind me of all the fun I'm missing out. SIL1 told me that W is still pretty quiet. I'm not feeling as tempted to lurk / look as I was.

I had been thinking of announcing my return to social media with a post like this one - almost certainly a bad idea and W would know it was aimed at her - getting away from the "noise" was what she said her reason for leaving was. Since this is a safe place - although often judgemental I'm going to write it here instead. I'm not going to bother making any announcement at all instead - just quietly resuming posting probably at the more modest level that I've been doing for the last number of weeks prior to me taking this 10 day break.

Some of you may have noticed that I've not been around for a while. A very few of you may also be aware of some of the personal challenges I've been facing that have caused me problems with both my physical and mental health. I decided to take a break from all the "noise" around me and take some time to think hard about my future and my priorities.

During this time I've done a lot of reading and a lot of thinking. Two odd works that have influenced my thoughts are the book The Little Prince which taught me about what unconditional love means and why it is important. The other is the StockDale Paradox (look it up - very interesting) which reinforced my belief that while good things don't always come to those who wait, having a a positive view of the future and holding it firmly but letting the future unfold at it's own pace can have great results.

We now return to our regular agenda of silly cat videos, pictures of flowers and obscure news articles.

[CT1118]

AndrewP - I did spend a couple of years in various martial arts, I should have stuck with it. I miss it. And yes, people did hit me for real in that and I hit back for real in that. So I do appreciate what you say about aggressive bursts really taking the toll.

It's too bad to read you are in the dumps right now, but as you know, this thing is a cycle. I can see you are in a cycle, while you made a troubling number of references to your W above, you said something pretty amazing which caught my eyes:

Another place reclaimed for myself.

There are a few places I enjoyed, but know my W went there w/ OM and that still bothers me - of all the things I have learned here and of all the self issues I have conquered, I had not considered the 'reclaim'. Thanks, I like it a great deal. I also like that you got out today, tried to take yourself for food, and spoke with a woman you find attractive. Sehr gut!

Listen - on social media. Are you able to just go back on without any fanfare? Post a picture of yourself doing something and leave it at that? Why the need for the fanfare - what is your motivation or your goal? And I am not talking about towards your W, for you, what is it. Who is your audience with that statement above?

[AndrewP]

Listen - on social media. Are you able to just go back on without any fanfare? Post a picture of yourself doing something and leave it at that? Why the need for the fanfare - what is your motivation or your goal? And I am not talking about towards your W, for you, what is it. Who is your audience with that statement above?

CT1118 - I'd forgotten your martial arts background which would have included competition. My own son medaled in a regional kick-boxing tournament some years ago but then gave up all martial arts because he didn't like hurting his friends. He has a very kind soul - I like to think he gets that from me.

I'm a bit curious about your comment troubling number of references to your W - yes, I do mention her a lot when I post here, but this is my safe place to do that. For me being here has much less to do with self improvement and self discovery that it does for others such as yourself. This is my place to talk about my heart, my love and the journeys that W and I are both on. If I was looking only for self-improvement I'd be elsewhere. Outside of this place and the still constant thoughts that spin through my brain there is nowhere that I can relieve the pressure of those thoughts so it may seem that I am still obsessing over W (and probably am in reality) but that's because this little white box I'm typing in is my "talking about W place". Or where you meaning something else?

Here, I'll freely admit that the social media thing was a deliberate "pot stirring" attempt by myself to see if I would get a reaction from W. Stepping away from the mouth of the tunnel as it were to see if she pops her head out. Any "fanfare" would also have been aimed at her - and counter to everything that I've done so far and even before the vets chime in, yes, a bad idea. I'm sure we all toy with bad ideas on a regular basis so I don't feel too bad because realistically speaking this was only toying, not actual action. I also recognize that it very likely had absolutely no effect. It did help me a bit I think with my own detachment. I'll probably start posting again on Wednesday - I miss being able to share my life with semi-random strangers outside of this place not to mention the close friends and family I connect to on Facebook. I haven't decided if I will "unfollow" W again or not.

I've found my attitude towards W changing in the last couple of weeks and I'm not sure I can describe it well. I can still find the love and devotion that I feel for her but don't feel the same burning need to see her. If I turn left out of my driveway on my way to work I could end up driving past where I believe she is living. I've been turning right with a lot less resistance. It's as if I know that she's not quite "done" yet and I rather feel like I don't want to see her until she is.

Even though it's contrary to the Stockdale Paradox which I believe in, I've been finding myself thinking about the future and what I'll do if she doesn't come back by for example 1 year following BD2 at which point we would be eligible for a no-fault divorce. Presuming that she's not re-surfaced by then would I contact her and ask her if she wants to be released? Will I want to be released at that point? I don't know the answers to those questions. It's still 6 months away so no rush. I can't see me pushing her in any way prior to that. I still have a lot of healing to do which is complicated by the fact that there is uncertainty about what she'll decide. Even though I could be completely wrong - and often am - there is no conceivable way that she can't know that she is welcome to come home. I do worry that tactically speaking that this is a mistake - many of the stories I read here about reconciliation do seem to be triggered by the LBS giving up in some fashion. Again though - I'm believing more and more that she is on a journey that she needs to complete before coming back otherwise she could well do this all over again if she comes back too early because of pressure from me.

Again, in violation to the Stockdale Paradox there are a few key dates coming up. Thanksgiving, and Christmas specifically. I'm trying to figure out my own plans with Thanksgiving (both Canadian and American) already covered. Family times like these are tough I'm sure on all of us LBS but must be even tougher (mind reading!) for our spouses. My powerful mind-reading / future predicting turban suspects that W will be spending at least Thanksgiving with either her sister or brother or possibly both. I can see her siblings teaming up and having a large multi-family dinner to put the spotlight on W. I can also see them blind-siding her with it (it happens - long story redacted). No clue if she also reached out to S22 to get together for Thanksgiving. There is a chance because it's sort of the traditional time for it for her to start integrating into OM's family at Thanksgiving as well. No way of knowing. I did overhear W talking to her mother a few weeks prior to move-out saying that she would drive down to Virginia - again - a prime time to introduce OM to D24 and her husband. In my talk with D24 there was certainly no indication that she'd heard anything from W about American Thanksgiving though as when I confirmed that I would "not" be coming down she mused about doing something with her husband's family instead.

If W does start integrating into OM's family she'll pretty much have to abandon her own children and siblings. Not sure if she's thought of that or not (again could be wrong). OM has three grown sons plus numerous grandchildren and I would presume all regular family events would be around them. Being dragged over to W's family to be made a spectacle of (the usual result when someone is introduced to them even under normal circumstances) or having to go most of the way across the continent to see D24 would require I expect a lot of persuasion on W's part.

As others have written here though - not my circus - not my monkeys (my monkeys fly!).

Anyhoodles - that's probably more than enough for now. I feel a bit bad writing this sort of drivel but it gives me a release.

[Ginger1]

Wow, that was a whole lot of mindreading a scenarios revolving around the holidays! How your W will have to abandon her own family because OM's family is big? please, don't make up scenarios that you seriously have no clue about. Once your start doing that in your head, consciously stop, and begin to do a task, read a book (not self help) do something that stops the scenario playing.

So, you went on your FB hiatus to stir the pot with W, then you came off of it with a grand announcnemnt post trying to stir the pot with her.......btw, you said you doubted it made any difference, but be careful in this big FB announcemtns, because youc an stir the pot the wrong way with her. She knows it's aimed at her and that everyone and their mother is seeing it, and she may not take that a good way.

When you seem preoccupied with you W, It's not just in the words you post here in the little box. It's the actions like these you are making outside of this little box.

This is not to say it is not normal to have this preoccupation, especially after such a long term marriage, I couldn't imagine. I had it with my ex because my baby was involved. But I really had to recognize it to make a real effort to minimize it. not make an excuse when someone points it out. Well, I did that for a while too, until I got beat over the head with 2x4's enough. I'm glad the beaters were persistent, because peace began to leak in when I let go of my preoccupation.

[AndrewP]

Wow, that was a whole lot of mindreading a scenarios revolving around the holidays! How your W will have to abandon her own family because OM's family is big? please, don't make up scenarios that you seriously have no clue about. Once your start doing that in your head, consciously stop, and begin to do a task, read a book (not self help) do something that stops the scenario playing.

I know W's family quite well so I do actually have a number of clues as I mentioned in my post. What I don't have is a working future predicting turban or crystal ball. My lines of inquiry were more around some of the "exit points" that W could have in the near future from her tunnel. Where I have no clue is whether she's likely to take any of those that I mentioned, others I know nothing about, or stay hunkered down in the tunnel like I presume she is right now. My post was just random thoughts - not looking for input specifically.

So, you went on your FB hiatus to stir the pot with W, then you came off of it with a grand announcnemnt post trying to stir the pot with her.......btw, you said you doubted it made any difference, but be careful in this big FB announcemtns, because youc an stir the pot the wrong way with her. She knows it's aimed at her and that everyone and their mother is seeing it, and she may not take that a good way.

Ginger - there's no grand announcement planned or made - sorry if you got that impression. It was an idea I toyed with and then dropped.

Well, I did that for a while too, until I got beat over the head with 2x4's enough. I'm glad the beaters were persistent, because peace began to leak in when I let go of my preoccupation.

Realistically only time will allow me to completely let go of my W. To be blunt - I don't want to let her go completely and "move on" - that's why I'm here - to prepare myself for the possibility that she may come back. Writing here allows me to pour my pre-occupation for her onto the screen and out of my brain giving me relief for a while.

[Ginger1]

Sorry Andrew, I didn't know you weren't looking for input.

I'm going to shush because I don't think you are quite ready to hear what I have to say.

Keep doing what works for you.

[AndrewP]

Sorry Andrew, I didn't know you weren't looking for input.

I'm going to shush because I don't think you are quite ready to hear what I have to say.

Keep doing what works for you.

Ginger - thanks for that. I'm sure you mean well but I've had more than enough whacks with the "detach" and "GAL" and "stop thinking about her" 2X4s along with lots of pokes with the "move on" stick which I presume is what you had to say (but that would be mind-reading ). I know all that already and am doing the best that I can taking things day by day.

A lot of times when I write here journaling it's to relieve the pressure within me to tell my story. Most of here are "fixers" and want to help and "solve the problems". Buried somewhere I think in AmyC's posts was a comment that I quite loved. It says something to the effect that when I talk about my day I want you to listen. When I tell you my car is broken I want you to fix it It's not just women who feel that way - even us guys sometimes just want to talk.

My bicycle wobbles, and it has a squeaky wheel, but it's rolling down the road reasonably well.

[Ginger1]

It just so happens when you journal on a public forum, people can see things you can't, and it's not a matter of me being a fixer or not. This site is generally for help. So people will help where they might see something you don't. It's just kind of how it works around here:)

I will clarify,though, I'm not poking you with the "move on" stick at all. It's the move forward stick.forward is very different from moving on. It's not anyone saying you are "doing bad" or not "not doing well" it's observations and help congruent to the purposes of these message boards.

But I get the message loud and clear

[CaliGuy]

Andrew ... Just reading along .. I had to digest it for a bit.

Curious are you reading any books lately? I was not much of a reader prior to BD and all this but my journey required I change and a few recommend readings helped me along the way. Specifically in areas I really needed some help.

[ericmsant2]

Andrew

For me being here has much less to do with self improvement and self discovery that it does for others such as yourself.

Based on the above, I sense that you believe that you do not need/or have areas that you may need to improve on. Maybe I am wrong. The comment of “for others such as yourself” – seemed to be to a bit mind reading and a little holier than though type statement. I do not believe you made the statement in a negative way perse. It does though come across as if you feel that you have no areas of improvement. Do you normally communicate that way? Is that how you spoke to your W?

Did your W ever accuse you of being dismissive? If so, is that something you think you might need to work on?

Here, I'll freely admit that the social media thing was a deliberate "pot stirring" attempt by myself to see if I would get a reaction from W.

Is this sort of passive aggressive behavior something that you feel that you need to change?

I also recognize that it very likely had absolutely no effect.

Although this is mind reading….is this the reason why you did not post on FB?

I'll probably start posting again on Wednesday - I miss being able to share my life with semi-random strangers outside of this place not to mention the close friends and family I connect to on Facebook.

Posting on FB hoping that your W will see it or not posting believing that she will not see it – really does not address the root issue, which is why are YOU so reluctant to just BE YOU? If you want to post to let family and friends know what is going on or joke about stuff – I do not see the harm. EXPECTING your W to see something or hope that she does is – manipulative.

Just be YOU.

I haven't decided if I will "unfollow" W again or not.

If you unfollow her she will not know. If you unfriend her she may. Either way – you need to do what YOU want to do. Stop trying “tactics” – just be YOU.

Presuming that she's not re-surfaced by then would I contact her and ask her if she wants to be released? Will I want to be released at that point? I don't know the answers to those questions. It's still 6 months away so no rush.

I agree no rush. I will say that something conversation need to take place. If you feel that you have done everything you can, if you feel that you address any issues that your brought into the R…well then you may feel that you need to have a conversation with your W. That is your call. The “tone” I get from your post though is that you do not feel like you need to change anything and maybe you might just be right on that one.

Again though - I'm believing more and more that she is on a journey that she needs to complete before coming back otherwise she could well do this all over again if she comes back too early because of pressure from me.

1) I would not take any responsibility of her coming back. If she does, then she will do it when and if she feels like it. Regardless of if she is ready or not.
2) So I guess the question you really need to answer is…..do you want to ask a question that you may not be ready for the answer too.
3) I also believe that regardless of IF she comes back or not – you have some feelings to deal with. That is my unprofessional opinion.

If W does start integrating into OM's family she'll pretty much have to abandon her own children and siblings. Not sure if she's thought of that or not (again could be wrong). OM has three grown sons plus numerous grandchildren and I would presume all regular family events would be around them. Being dragged over to W's family to be made a spectacle of (the usual result when someone is introduced to them even under normal circumstances) or having to go most of the way across the continent to see D24 would require I expect a lot of persuasion on W's part.

1) Regardless of what happens…..your kids will love their mom. Period.
2) You might be surprised at your children’s response. Yes, it will take time for them to adjust – chances are they will adjust. I just hope that if they do, you will not alienate them.
3) Subtly or not hoping your children do not embrace OM is normal – acting on it though is a separate issues altogether. Do you really want to create the tension within the family? And before you tell me that you did not initiate it, which I understand…I do believe you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Ultimately, you want your children to be a peace with both YOU and your W.

Most of here are "fixers" and want to help and "solve the problems".

I am not actually trying to fix or solve any problem for you Andrew. I am pointing out what I see and to provide you with what I think may be an objective view. I respect your view and if you would prefer I can keep my comments to myself.


I do not need a response to above Andrew. If you are looking for feedback…just give me a holler.