Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Cherry]

Sadly there is no knowing, perhaps she is thinking things through. My wh was way angrier at the start, he wouldn't even look at me but was chirpy to everyone else. Now he is often grumpy with everyone but there's times he approaches me and we have good friendly conversation.

The spinning is a little difficult, I completely get your mixed feelings between wanting to D and wanting to put your ring back on. I guess this is where they say we have the gift of time. Things have got a bit calmer, so keep doing what works. Her various mood swings show that she is spinning, leave her in her chaos and keep focussed upon you. Nothing wrong with just enquiring with an L about matters, I found that this just helped me know where I stand and what I need to do when he filed, it just gives you a little control in a situation that you feel pretty much out of control in. You will know when you are ready to give up, you won't think twice about it. But while you're still in limbo with your thoughts, keep focussed on you and the kids.

[Si_07]

Hi Surfer, I was just reading your last few posts and I see you looking at your WW, over analysing what she is doing and trying so hard to put rational thought into an irrational situation. I get it, I understand it, I did way too much of it myself. I'm pretty sure I've seen you write it too others but it is so hard to see it ourselves.

Nothing makes sense, I have a good friend who talks to me every week to get caught up on her new favourite soap opera. She helps me bring humour to my situation because at times I don't feel you could write the stuff we see.

Even my WW, 2 weeks ago was sending me a text threatening me with legal action, this past week was texting about the woes of her vacation with a follow up text telling me she was on a train heading home albeit 1.5 days later and all is well....

I have had emails at 12.30 at night about nothing. It has taken me several months (and I still have my moments) where I would try and work out what she is doing but it was only hurting me and bringing me down. It is much healthier for me to put the humour into the situation. To see the games they play to get a reaction. The not answering your calls, to me is a game, treat it as a game, laugh at the childishness of it. Mine is doing so many things like this, it's crazy.

I only text or email, no calls. I can see if she has read it and then if she ignores it I know it's her little games. I told her not to contact me between 8pm and 8.30am or they would be ignored even if it's a text or email. She continued to send stuff during these hours but since I wouldn't respond, she organised friends to look after the kids while she went away even though I had said they would be with me and she asked to be informed if something had changed. Nothing had changed so there was nothing to answer, so rather than send me a direct question during the times I asked for she went and did something else.

[Surfer]

Thank you Si, it is hard spotting it I ourselves. It's also hard to follow your own advice.

You do have to find the funny side. I am having a sense of humour failure. Just sent a text to set a few boundaries on my W not answering the phone.

If she calls me she won't stop she's like the terminator. If I call her - ah well you get it. Teenagers I am sure.

I will do the no calls between times thing. It's more with my W chasing to stay compnnected tot he kids etc.

Have you sorted custody? I will try and catch up with your sitch tomorrow.

Need to get to bed got to get up very, very early.

Thanks again.

Surfer. O

[Surfer]

I dealt with lack of phone answering as "I am sick of your excuses re: missing calls my calls - just seen this etc" What if it's something urgent? There must have been 10 unanswered calls to you today. Try being responsible we don't stop parenting these children together properly just because you want to have other relationships. Next time I call try picking up. Or I won't bother. The calls were for the kids. They were missing you. I didn't tell them that mummy was too busy thinking of herself to even answer the phone."

Perhaps not the most controlled text but I am really starting to get frustrated with the game playing. I need to detach more. She is clearly getting to me.

Surfer.

[Si_07]

Surfer, I wish you had talked here about what you were going to send first. You have shown her that the games are getting to you, you are being reactive to her games.

I get it, I have the same issues but it's her problem, not yours. Even my kids know, when I had them on vacation in august, I gave the phone to my son to call her. She didn't answer the first or second time he tried. The third day I gave the phone to him, his response was "Why, she won't answer anyway" He tried anyway and she proved him right. Then I texted her one day saying they would call later that day and she answered, I overheard her saying that when mommy and daddy make a plan, it works.... Nothing to do with the fact that she wants the kids to work around her schedule rather than be a mother who is available to her kids anytime day or night.

My WW is using the kids on many occasions to try and provoke reactions from me, I know it, recognize it, talk it out with someone I trust and then get on with life. It shows how low she is prepared to go, the thing you need to remember is to not be dragged down by it. Let it go by and see its her loss not yours. The kids will work it out themselves who is there for them when it matters most!

[Surfer]

Si,

I know. We all back peddle, or make mistakes at times. I do it very, very rarely these days. It wasn't just the calls it was she wasn't hearing the calls as she was showering (to go out) and then was drying her hair (to go out) - I can only assume with OM. The kids did ask to speak but I am trying to get them to forget that. I also 'wanted' to speak to her in fairness - she had 'niced' me back into caring earlier and I fell for it like a sucker - oh dear, how desperate we are for love. Ha Ha. anyway, we live and learn.I am not going to fret over it.

How would you have handled it?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling.

I woke last night to S6 (who still wants to sleep in with me - he is embarrassed to admit this, he knows hes not being a 'big boy' etc.) he was talking in his sleep "Mummy, why did you go" , "Mummy why did you leave us". He doesn't know of course and there is zero point in telling WW or anyone as it will be just manipulated into me trying to make her out to be awful etc. But it is so, so frustrating. I am sure you have similar stories also.

Did the packed lunches (D8 loves smoked salmon and cream cheese so I bought some as a treat), also bought some expensive yoghurt deserts rather than the usual bog standard. Anyway, then got up at 5am to work, crept back for 1/2 an hour then uniform ironing, breakfast and school for the kids. S6 cried a bit on the doorstep of school and could not explain why properly. I have my views but I just want to be there for him. We cuddled and in they went. Then back home to work and back for assembly.

I saved 3 seats for WW and MIL & FIL. They sat on the opposite side of the hall. W usually does this. I think its a really bad parenting choice. It's her being detached, controlling. I went over to them, I don't want the kids seeing that. It's very poor parenting. MIL and FIL were like my own parents to me. How they have switched, not even a (real) smile. Used to be all hugs, kisses etc. In fairness they could probably feel me bristling. W didn't even acknowledge me. I was tempted to wear my wedding ring. Glad I didn't. Both kids ran to me first after assembly. Which made me happy. I love them so much.

I said bye to both kids and set off 30 secs in advance of MIL, FIL and WW. I said goodbye to all, only FIL acknowledged. MIL would have but probably didn't hear. WW was just being distant on purpose. I feel really quite angry towards her right now. It will go.

WW didn't look hungover, actually looked quite normal.Shes put on weight and is looking a little frumpy TBH. I don't mind that though - when she went wayward, she went all "slim/trendy" etc.

I spoke to WW's auntie about this earlier as I needed to talk to someone and she understands the family dynamics and my view point vs WW's. She knows there lots of history re-writing.

She said MIL had told her she didn't think my W would want anyone else. I don't mean she wants me "per se". Perhaps I'd be better not trying to figure that out........the one thing that is clear from our convo. is that as a family WW's are 'high on drama' and it's definitely not a favourite trait...

I need to crack on - I have a presentation to give. My first one as my new business.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I get it, I have the same issues but it's her problem, not yours. Even my kids know, when I had them on vacation in august, I gave the phone to my son to call her. She didn't answer the first or second time he tried. The third day I gave the phone to him, his response was "Why, she won't answer anyway" He tried anyway and she proved him right. I get this - totally the same. Other than saying available 8am until 8.30pm how do you deal with this. I guess just make a joke of it with the kids? I am tempted just not to call her at all and just text really limited info even if about the kids. It's total disrespect - hence WW behaviour. If anyone has any better ways of creating boundaries on this I would be keen to hear. It's not just me she does this to BTW - just all those people that don't validate her bad behaviour.

[Si_07]

Surfer, this is what I do. I don't call, this kids don't even ask to call her even during a long stretch. I had them for 20 days straight in August, she spoke to them once and I was the one suggesting they try and call her. What I realized is that I was hurting for them, it was affecting me much more than them. With them it was done in a few minutes, then onto the next thing. I text or email only the bare essentials, it drives her nuts, I know it but it's not why I do it. I do it because it's better for me, because it's what I want to do. It also leaves a paper trail and by forcing her to text etc, she leaves a paper trail of her threats etc.

I want to ask you why you sent that message because I believe you sent it hoping to generate a reaction, a shake up to what she is doing, yes?

W sends me all sorts of information about her life, I send nothing unless absolutely necessary, she wants me to be part of her life in some strange way but until she shows any interest in mine, there is nothing there for me. Even some mutual friends who have ran into her in town have said that all she did is talk about herself...

You can't be both mom and dad to your kids, you can only be their dad. They know it, they feel, it [censored] but it's all we can do. I was out the other day and my son said to me he gets bored with his mum, but doesn't get bored with me. Take the positives from your kids and believe in yourself.

Other question, when you called 6 times, what was the time frame? The same day or different days?

[Si_07]

I was thinking about your comment on bad parenting because she sits on the other side of the hall. You say you see it as controlling but you let yourself be controlled by moving yourself, why?

You are there for your kids, they will know that wherever you sit. You are still looking at her and what she does rather than doing what you want! You were doing well a few weeks back but as you have said you have back peddled. I get it and understand it, it's easy to do especially when you are looking for anything, any scrap that she might throw out. Work on getting back to the Surfer of a few weeks ago.

My W has done similar things but I do what I want, we were meeting up to go to our sons soccer tournament. She arrived and beckoned with her head for me to come over to her, I didn't, I stood my ground and if she had something important to say she knew where I was. She came over to me and started speaking German, I know what she said but just ignored it with a smile on my face and spoke English to her. It's her ego in overdrive and her look at me attitude. The whole tournament, I played with my son and had no interest in going over to her. She became the one lingering or moving towards me.