About custody, 2-2-3 or week to week are OK. The 2-2-3 requires a lot more hand-offs and contact, which is probably best to avoid. Week to week and you will miss your D more, but she wont be moving her whole life every 2 days. I think that is the biggest problem with the 2-day rotation, for kids at least. I would suggest going for the week to week, but that's not a hill to die on.
I have a 3-3-4-4 split with my kids. The nice thing is that the kids have a little bit longer with each parent. Also, there is only one real "handoff" per week as the other one is a drop-off/pick-up switch. The only real downside is that one parent will have the kids every Friday + Saturday night. Luckily, I dont rally mind as all of my GAL stuff is during the week anyway.
That said, a full week without the kids would be tough on a regular basis.
Rich, the way my W is acting right now would completely make any attempt at co-parenting a farce. It worries me about how we'll interact when this is done, but maybe she'll cool down and be able to at least say hello when we physically S. Sorry you had to go through similar man. Living it right now, I know how painful it must have been.
MV, yeah, I'm expecting the S and Custody agreements to be a "bit askew" to say the least. I actually find myself wondering if we will need to rip them up and completely rewrite them. Guess we'll see when they come across.
darknes, having the kids for Fri and Sat night actually sounds like it'd be a lot of fun. You get the kids when they're unwound and not dealing w/ the stress of school/homework during the week. I do agree that not seeing my D for a full week would be miserable, both for my W and myself. I do worry about the upheaval of a more frequent schedule on D, but maybe a 3-3-4-4 would work for us as well.
Thank you all for your ideas and support. I'm not really sure how my W will act this weekend. I'm tempted to remind her that my stance on custody has not changed, but I don't think it'll make a difference in regards to what she'll give me next week for an agreement. I am going to be more assertive in house and stuff with the D though. Do what is right, regardless of how it makes W react. Working off that thought.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
You mention you think she is getting rid of evidence on her phone.
Do you have any evidence of adultery? Anything that is court admissible, or even anything that is not?
Also, did you check with the lawyers you met about the implications of adultery on divorce in your area / with local judges. In some jurisdictions it can void spousal support, and also give you a lot of ammo to force the cheating spouse out of the house, often without the kids.
In most areas though adultery officially has no impact on divorce.
There are a few approaches you can consider. 1. See if the adultery can reduce/eliminate your support payments. Check if you are in a fault or no fault jurisdiction. Also, ask around with different lawyers and see what they think. Even in no-fault jurisdictions, you can often find judges who would beg to differ. It would be good if you find a lawyer who thinks that whatever you have or can get as evidence of the adultery would help your case with alimony or custody if this goes to trial.
2. Keep evidence as leverage. When you get her absurd papers, tell her that your lawyer wants to counter sue based on adultery grounds and make this public record. This can be strong inducement to settle in mediation. However, given how you describe her state of mind she probably cant envision herself in the wrong, or losing.
Also, you have not responded about finances. Have you separated them yet? I assume you are not paying for her new phone? What about her L? Anything she buys or commits to now is 50% your expense until you get things formally separated, depending on the definition in your area.
Also, remember that she is obviously not thinking about a future where she has to work full time given her shortsightedness. When she hits you over your work schedule on custody - well she has no idea what her work schedule will be, but she will definitely have one! It will be up to each of you to work around that yourselves.
However, if you have right of first refusal this might give your W an in to keep your D from end of school until you can wrestle her back each evening. I recommend getting RFR about 99% of the time, but you (or rather your WW) might be part of the 1% where I can see this becoming an issue.
Fade, if it were me in her shoes id want that phone as far away from me as possible. Every communication she has had, I believe, has been through that phone. Those communications were at least on Facebook (not recoverable apparently) and text message (recoverable to some degree). After I confronted her in August she may have switched to some other method but it would have been on that phone.
With that said, I do live in a fault state, though it's very onerous to prove adultery. I do have evidence of at least a very explicit EA before the BD in May. W has been careful to keep marching the date of the BD backwards though. Believe she is now at December being the BD. It's insane. Other evidence I have is post BD, though L says since we are still M it's still adultery. I have yet to give all this to L, but at this point I think I have to in case custody gets nasty. I hate my W for bringing me to the point that I need to share this crap.
Finances are still intertwined. New phone was a free upgrade, per her, though I'm not sure I buy that. I watch the finances like a hawk and have a plan should I need to quickly protect that aspect of things. The only thing I need to push on W is her giving me access to this other card she has opened. Both of our Ls are coming out of our savings.
I'm lucky that I have family in town and an understanding boss for the custody stuff. I've shored up where my family can help and verified flexibility from my boss. I can manage having D for an extended period. Worse comes to worse I'll just find a more flexible job. W believes she can find a job working from 9:00 to 3:30 (Ds school schedule) that will pay her six figures. Best of everything! Not sure how she doesn't have a clue this doesn't work.
Not familiar with RFR but will read up on it. Sounds like W would bridge the gap of work and school schedule. Then I would take D for the remainder? I'll familiarize myself. Appreciate your insight as always fade!!!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
...It0402...I just caught up on the past two threads I had missed...I got nothing direct. I got nothing that has not already been said about you being you, or you being dad. I have been through D before, but w/o kids. I do support you though my friend. Most I can give. Looks like you are getting some serious investment from those before us. Watching, listening.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
CT, I have always appreciated your support brother! There are some awesome people that have been helping me in here and I can't even begin to thank all of you enough!
So, I'm pushing my W now on a few things. Told her today that I'd like to:
1) do every meal and meds for D on Sunday's 2) fully do her after school routine, homework, meals, and meds on Mondays and Wednesday's. 3) go to all doctors, dentists, and orthodontist appointments going forward 4) get recipes from W of a few of the things she makes for D so I can practice making them 5) I'm making a list of house things we need to do to sell the house 6) I'm making a list of expenses we need to cut
W responds i can't just force changes to Ds routine bc that will negatively impact D. W says we can't change Ds routine until we figure out how everything will work with S.
I tell W that while I hear her worries about disrupting Ds routine, I don't agree that we have to wait and I'd like to start moving forward with doing this stuff.
W says please stop making this harder for D. Then she leverages our counseling session for the first time and says even the counselor gets that, why don't you. Surprised it took her this long to hit me in the head with what came out of MC.
D has a friend show up and I head out to a golf tournament with friends (my GAL today). W then hits me on text.
W: we can't discuss today bc Ds friend is over. We can figure out S plans and then work on the other stuff. Sorry if you don't like that but think about D for a sec. You are doing the same thing you did over the summer and it made it worse for D and you know that. If you are not willing to see the MC and try to deal with this fairly you are going to push D farther away. How do you not get that?
I don't respond, come home from golf, say hi to W, get ignored by W, say hi to D and friend and now am sitting here. just now, W follows up with this:
W: I understand you do not agree with me but that's not the point. We need to agree together on something that is good for D. You're going to have to compromise. Disrupting her routine with no explanation is completely unfair to D. We should talk about this calmly when D goes to bed tomorrow and come up with a reasonable plan for you to start doing meals next weekend. Please do not mess with her school routine right now. D is having a good year, please don't cause her extra stress. I will help you next weekend but please don't mess up her school week yet. Not until there's a plan. You cannot say that's not a fair request. That's selfish and won't help any of us. In the meantime reconsider talking to the MC bc we are not getting anywhere without her. Way back in May you thought it was a great idea so there's no reason not to go.
So, that's been my day with her stewing on that. Had a wonderful time at the golf tournament. We won the thing and it was great to be outside with friends all day. I used to play a ton of golf before I got married but really don't anymore. Don't have the same passion for it. Trying to find something else to fill that void.
It's funny that my W doesn't realize I really don't need her help on those requests. I'm more than capable of doing those things for D now. Even the homework stuff, where W has been more active than myself, I feel I can pick up quickly and keep D succeeding. I realize now I'm more than capable of driving the stuff my W does, both for my D and for our household. It's a liberating realization.
All that said, I don't think what I'm asking upsets Ds routine. Why would D care who makes her food or does her meds? The homework stuff, maybe. But I'll offer that I sit with them for a couple weeks while they do it then I'll transition into it.
I think the larger issue is Ws fear of losing control. She continues to leverage D as the reason I should allow her to retain control. This is such a huge issue that I'm not sure how it resolves itself. W seems to want to get me back in front of MC so she can push her agenda as well as her and MC aligned very well last time.
We will see. All I know is that D and I are going to an island park downtown tomorrow morning to hunt Pokemon (supposed to be the best spot in our city). We've been looking forward to this for awhile. All D wants to chat about recently is Pokemon and we've bonded a bunch around it. Pretty interesting to see where their passions lie!
In a good spot right now. W isn't weighing on me as much as she has in the past. My focus is on my D and the custody piece of this. Meet with the L on Tuesday to see how best to proceed. Thanks all for the thoughts and support!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
W says please stop making this harder for D. Then she leverages our counseling session for the first time and says even the counselor gets that, why don't you. Surprised it took her this long to hit me in the head with what came out of MC.
W: we can't discuss today bc Ds friend is over. We can figure out S plans and then work on the other stuff. Sorry if you don't like that but think about D for a sec. You are doing the same thing you did over the summer and it made it worse for D and you know that. If you are not willing to see the MC and try to deal with this fairly you are going to push D farther away. How do you not get that?
Your W is weak. The above quotes are weak It0402. Dissoi logioi is a form of rhetorical argument - meaning one side of an argument defines the terms of the other side - look it up, let me know what you think. Not sure if your W has been through a liberal arts formal education, but as I read your $hit, the above is what she is doing. Read about it, decide if you agree, if you do, form a defense. Otherwise, but a good shovel and a yard bag, b/c she is leaving some $hit to pick up.
On a more personal note...
Originally Posted By: lt0402
All I know is that D and I are going to an island park downtown tomorrow morning to hunt Pokemon (supposed to be the best spot in our city). We've been looking forward to this for awhile. All D wants to chat about recently is Pokemon and we've bonded a bunch around it. Pretty interesting to see where their passions lie!
In a good spot right now. W isn't weighing on me as much as she has in the past. My focus is on my D and the custody piece of this. Meet with the L on Tuesday to see how best to proceed. Thanks all for the thoughts and support!
...you wrote my personal note to you. This is it. You're a great dad, you're a great you. Man, you love your daughter, I feel that through how I love my son. Insanity and instability met with sanity and ability - D9 is one fortunate girl to have you. The ship is tight sir.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I think you should ask your lawyer about having a physiological evaluation done on your W.
Can someone explain this to me? What would the evaluation be for, exactly?To determine what?
Very curious. Thanks.
(LT-- I've not stayed abreast of your situation, and just popped in and see things are rough right now. Sorry to hear it. What can I say. Hang in there.)
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Journaling. CT and FG appreciate your thoughts and will respond a little later if that's ok.
Woke up this am, went out to grab a cup of coffee and then came home and did the weeds in the front yard. I'd been not doing this the past two weeks as I was trying to let Ws anxiety level drop. she said she would handle but has not. i hammer it out, get down the Halloween decorations, and clean the garage before Ds friend leaves and we head to the park downtown.
3 awesome hours with D this morning hunting Pokemon. Overcast day, not too hot, not too cold. Pretty much perfect. D and I had a blast running back and for on this island. Found a bunch of new Pokemon and D figured out some stuff we hadn't known how to do before. Amazing to see how sharp she is and I can see her confidence building daily. Awesome to watch her changing into a strong, confident girl!
Came home for lunch and D finished a school project afterwards. I hit the grocery store bc I didn't go last week and was running low. W told me on Saturday that I needed to stop eating Ds and her strawberries as they were running out. So petty, but I let it slide and got my own today. I really don't know what W does during the day while I'm at work. She says she's busy but she doesn't do the yard work she berates me for doing. She doesn't clean the house as thoroughly as she used to. She takes care of nothing for me at this point. She's pretty much like a nasty roommate who refuses to pay rent. It is liberating doing everything for myself though. I am no longer reliant on her for anything. She puts D on bus and gets her off bus, but I've no doubt I can handle that in the future as well. Matter of fact, W just makes things more difficult and less streamlined around here as her moods permeate the atmosphere and weigh on D and I.
Well, D finishes her project and her and I head out to the park near our house for a couple hours before dinner. Do some Pokemon, creek bed exploring (D is loving going off the paths and exploring), tree climbing, etc and have a really good time. Great follow up to our awesome morning! D is now less scared of doing things that are outside of her comfort zone, which is what I've been working towards. She's picked up Ws over-cautious approach to things and I'm slowly walking it back. Building her confidence and understanding of certain things she's cautious about has worked wonders. Really proud of her!
W just gave D her bath. D stubbed toe and her and W snuggled for a bit. I talked to D today about starting to take showers instead of baths. I think we are overdue for moving onto showering. May not be a big deal, but I think W is holding on a bit there.
I also asked D how things were going with me. How was my listening to her...great. How was my keeping promises with her....great. What could I be doing better....only thing is listening to mommy better. D is consistent each week. I don't know how to explain to her that the reactions of W won't get better. Comes back to getting her in front of an IC.
Overall, I think my R with D is going great. I'm happy and she seems to be happy. W seems unhappy, but not my circus. I asked if she wanted coffe this am. She ignored me. I approached her and asked again, nicely, if she'd like coffe. She just looked at me and said "obviously I don't". Really doesn't bother me now. I just won't let her disrespect me by giving me no answer. I am not fearful of standing up to her.
More time with D now before bed. W wants to talk tonight about the list I gave her. I'll compromise but I will not fold to her demands. What I want is what's right. I'll always stand for what is right. That's one of the more important things I've learned through all of this. True to myself and my D.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
