Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Cherry]

I know the exact feelings you are saying. I feel the exact same, I also know my values are not shared. Wh told me once that the m is over so he considers himself divorced. Whereas I am still married. Though on recent forms for the hospital I have filled in, I've checked the separated box.

It does feel hard when you feel as though you are just stood still. Sorry I have no great wisdom or advise, but I feel your pain. Just stay focussed upon you the best you can do. Hope you have a fun filled weekend planned in

[Surfer]

Feeling a bit low today. Had a lovely weekend with kids, swimming, shopping, cooking, watching films, playing and a lot of letting them play together - they left so happy. I feel like I didn't plan enough events though but I think at times they just need to play.

Anyway, contact with WW has been minimal. She had rather a rant by text over something and nothing but I can handle that. I'm just a bit reflective today wishing for that magic wand to wave and all will be okay.

Still not built up courage to start dating. In fairness my heart is not in it. I keep thinking I can but I am struggling. No point in rushing all of that.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

It sounds like they did lots, don't worry or doubt that for a second. They left smiling and they spent some fun time with their dad. Essentially all kids want is to feel that love and attention from their parents, you give that, all the time. You got that on lock! Don't worry!

Ugh that magic wand would be great wouldn't it?! Pay no mind to the rants, we know it isn't about us at all, it's them and their crisis. Scared animal backed in a corner lashing out and spitting venom where they feel. My wh can be fine one day, have no contact with me- and moody the next. I'm starting to get used to these wild mood swings and accept that they're nothing to do with me. Leave him to it and carry on being the same steady person.

Absolutely no point in rushing dating. Don't feel pushed to by anyone. When you feel you're done and that's what you want to do, it will feel natural. You won't even have to think that through. Right now you're still torn with emotions and feelings for your w. I think dating would only complicate matters. And if your w got wind of it, it could possibly damage any chances of reconciliation.

Keep focus on you and your babies. Love yourself. I know it's tough, and some days seem harder than others. But keep going. You really are doing good.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Thanks for that, really kind.

I think you are right. The kids are always cheered by me. D8 was a little down this morning and sent them in to school with a smile and a tickle.

W was really quite nice, last night, after avoiding my 6 calls to her to let S6 know I can't go to football due to work. That avoiding calls thing really bugs me - it makes me want to do the same but I think, whilst I might not want to talk there and then I do tend to call back within 10 - 20 mins etc. Its probably the best 180 I can do on that front.

This morning a little frosty again. I really feel she is having it easy.

Yes, going to leave the dating thing. It just doesn't feel right. Oddly not wearing my ring does feel right now....figure that one...?

The love yourself thing - that will take time.

I read something that Sandi2 posted about WW not wanting you to see them naked. Stating (I think from memory) it's because they feel you are just another man and their affections are with another. My W did this for at least 2 years after her EA. Still bugs me that it was probably a PA but I can't prove it. It doesn't matter its the disloyalty etc. I know you have similar concerns. Very frustrating. Sometimes I couldn't care less....very strange. Must be kind of grief cycling?

You H has far more wild mood swings than my W. It might be comforting to know that my W used to have these - raging to calm (daily - in front of the kids; it was truly awful). It gets better. I think when they feel they are 'free' - separated. Then I think reality can bite - this may take some time or never happen.

Thank you again.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

You and your attention and affection are all they need. Last week when S was waiting outside the front door saying "daddy's gone", I sat down with him, then I started counting his toes and giving him cuddles, then he began giggling. They're kids at the end of the day, they need to feel loved, security and have affection.

That's a bit annoying, you're doing the right thing by not ignoring her calls. Show her the bigger person, take that moral high ground.

I think we probably will grief cycle. At least this is bothering us less, and we are able to still carry on with our day, and just accept that we are having a tough one. Funnily enough, my wh has no qualms with that, he has got full on changed from being naked even last week. He was in my room once and I got changed. He asked me did I not feel uncomfortable, I told him I hadn't even thought about it, and that was the truth, I honestly hadn't.

Yeah he does cycle, it's not really anger anymore. He realised that if he is yelling at me, I won't talk to him and tell me when he's calmer and then we can talk. Now, he just flip flops from following me around a bit and being super chirpy to just being silent and looking depressed. I said on my thread that I identified my early days of mood matching and realised that it was codependent behaviour, so I stopped. Now, regardless of his moods, I keep me the same consistent content, strong woman. That's a 180 I took, and the plus side is it really benefits your own mental health if you don't allow it to bother you. It truly is their journey and just highlights their own inner struggle.

You're welcome for the compliments, I'm seriously not just saying things, I'm not that kinda person to pay lip service. You genuinely do impress me at your strength and how you carry on being a great dad and putting the kids first.

[Surfer]

Just wound myself up reading soundfx's sitch. Spoke to W about D8 pick up time. She has been on a school trip. W never picks up the phone now - it really pi55es me off. She always leaves it and I have to chase her. Any thoughts on how to handle this. No point in tit for that but there must be some boundary experience here.

W was showering - so going out. OM or wayward friend. Not sure. No point indwelling. We've got an assembly tomorrow so I will see if she looks hungover.

I feel like she is taking the pi55 out of me. Rewritten history - 'he was a friend' etcI have seen so much in the advice given to soundfx that made me think he was not at all and I have been and still am being played. As I sit cuddling S6, who's on the iPad I know this is so wrong. I am basically funding her doing what she wants and she is not moving the D forward.

I really feel like pushing for the D at the moment. I know that's not wise but this is so frustrating.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

They're good at lying, it's second nature. He keeps telling me that ow is "just a friend" "it hurts you don't trust me" "she's just an innocent party in this". *rolls eyes* At the end of the day, they're fooling themselves, and maybe one day karma or guilt or both will catch up to them.

No advise on the calls really, I rarely call wh. Though when I have so far, he has answered, of course this may be a different matter once he moves out, so I will follow for any advise. I'd say that it would be an important topic to approach sometime, I mean you're only ringing her for child related matters, so as parents, you need to be able to be in contact with one another for that. I laid that out to wh that where the children are involved, we are still a team for that. That has probably swooshed straight over his head, as he goes days without seeing S even when in the same home as him.

I would speak to an L regarding your options, you can state that you don't want to D but you need to protect your assets, a separation agreement or something. Even if you push for a D, she's still going to get half, and possibly even spousal payments too. Is the house in both names?

[Cherry]

If she is hungover tomorrow, I hope it's a very noisy assembly!!

[Surfer]

Drumming assembly. Ha ha.

The house is joint names sadly. You have mentioned the separation agreement before. Emailed her Mediator (again), he again said not a word from her.

I need to be careful as I am getting little feelings of vindictivness in terms of wanting her to be financially struggling. I think it's the only thing she will notice TBH. I know that's. It an ideal way to think and I am not acting it out at all. Also being decent with her when on the phone etc. Nosey neighbour stuff.

Just limbo city and feel very much like she is just waiting for the old or now OM to arrive so she can move on at her pace. It's a tough one. At times I think filing for D may help. Other times I think I should put my ring back on as I am married and she might think I have given up on her. Tricky stuff eh?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So just a thought.

Since starting DB,WW has gone from raging spew nightly to being able to talk. Sometimes nicely and I don't know if she is seeing OM or in touch with him or
Another. I sometimes mind read she is. But it's exactly that. We are making progress in fairness if I look back yet it is painfully slow. I don't get it. Why she is not moving forward with the D. It seems so strange. Anyone have a clue on this?

Surfer