I've been lurking around these forums for the past couple of weeks just soaking in as much information I can to try and figure out what the hell happened to my life. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, but I just wanted to share my story.
I met my wife 8 years ago through a good friend that was working with her at the time and ended up dating for 4 years before getting married. I wouldn't have called us the most perfect couple on the planet, as we were never really as intimate as I think either of us would have liked, but we rarely fought and were best friends. We started living together about 2 years in and as far as I knew, we had good relationships with our respective families. Before getting married, we survived my getting an MBA at night while working, and both of us had very successful careers.
Right after we got married, we purchased a home from my family in a nice neighborhood, but with all sorts of issues that needed to be addressed before the place was really livable from a family perspective. It had been a rental for 10 years and was in dire need of anything you could name. I pretty much dropped everything non-wife or house related to work on making our home more habitable. At the same time the W was gaining traction as an "office lead" for a newly opened office for a very well known tech company. So while I was fixing up the house, the W was working 60-80 hour weeks and starting to build herself a very successful career, which involved setting up events both in and outside the office and determining the day to day operations. I should mention now that she absolutely loves her job. On the other hand, I took a chance on a career change that was what I always wanted to do, but was with an utterly miserable company. We were making decent money, but nothing exorbitant at the time.
Fast forward 2 years. I am now feeling completely overwhelmed by the amount of time and effort that I am putting into our home, I am legitimately doing the job of 2 people at work and not getting any recognition for it and I am quickly becoming a nervous wreck of a human being...which I decide to hide as well as a can. I start drinking more, stop exercising as much and start to become sort of withdrawn and lonely with the W gone all the time. In the meantime, the small office that the W works for has expanded from 10 to 300 people and the W has cemented herself within the office culture, while still working 60-80 hour weeks...sometimes while working at home. At this point we are making a ridiculous amount of money and this is where I'm pretty sure things started to go wrong.
As we earned more and more money, the W justified that more and more things could be paid for rather than physically doing them ourselves. In theory I really had no problem with this, but the reality is that this made it easier for her to spend more and more time at work. I should mention that "work" entailed planning happy hours/dinners/concerts/shows for a variety of people and that she could go to any of these if she pleased. I should also mention that no matter how hard I tried, I really couldn't have the same connection with her co-workers as she did...seeing that I a) didn't work with them, b) lost the desire to go out 3 nights a week in my mid 20's, and c) still liked and wanted to spend time with my existing friends. At this point, we really aren't sharing any activities together at all other than the occasional weekend trip or night out for dinner.
I should also mention that the W sort of has a history of over-committing herself in all sorts of different ways. For years, she was on a bike team that pretty much demanded 4 hours a day on sat/sun and night training during the week. She set up book clubs, reunions with college friends, dinner parties with couples friends...I frankly still have no idea how she did all this. For years, I did many of these things with her, but as time went on, I found myself either too busy with our home, or with no desire to have this many things on my plate. I never saw my W and it was beginning to wear on me to the point where arguments started over responsibilities around the house and in our relationship. I should mention that while the W has always been "social", we were not the type of couple that was out every single night when we were dating...or even in the first year of our marriage.
About two years ago, the W proclaims that she is stopping birth control and wants to have a kid. I always wanted kids, but was a little surprised that there was not a little more discussion about it beforehand. That would be the last discussion about had about having children until the BD.
Also about two years ago, her work/social life really REALLY starts getting out of control. We're talking like 3-4 nights a week, out past midnight and as the months wear on I am getting more and more upset leading to an all out drag out fight and me sleeping in the other room for 4 nights. Her dad has an unrelated nervous breakdown the next weekend and we have to take him to the ER, then we end up making up. Only now her social scene was totally out of control and after the fight, I had nothing left in me to say anymore. She's spending the night at co-workers apartments, not coming home until 2am, not calling etc...
Bomb Drop - A year ago, I come home, she's crying...we all know what happened next. I move to other room, she claims she isn't moving out...she BD's me again a week later and says she's moving out in a week. I am absolutely devastated. I lose 15 lbs in the next month, panic attacks, crying etc. I convince her to go to counseling. W just blames, justifies, and validates...I cave on everything and we actually seem to be making progress.
3 months into this, I'm fixing something at the W's new place and am looking for aspirin. Instead, I find a prescription for herpes symptoms. It's from during our marriage and she has DEFINITELY never told me about this. I flip out, fight ensues, we talk about it in counseling and she spends the entire time blaming me for not knowing (?) and snooping. The next day I find out through the social networks that's she's booked a trip to Iceland with a mutual friend...and FOUR...SINGLE...MALE...COWORKERS (EA suspected). Three days later, I find out again the social networks, that she's booked a trip to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with two other co-workers. I end counseling 2 weeks later and say that I need a break for a while.
I end up sleeping with someone after the new year. I'm devastated, filled with massive amounts of guilt, and end up telling the W. Wife BD's me again and says she's been sleeping with one of the coworkers that she went to Iceland with...he's TWENTY TWO. She's 34.
We're divorced now...I'm still devastated. They're still dating. She's been out of town for literally 105 days over the past year, she started taking flying lessons (really?), she moved onto a houseboat. She doesn't talk to any of her "old" friends...only people from work with an average age of 25.
I'm a little removed from this now, but I do need to say that I absolutely do love my W (now ex), so if it sounds like I wasn't or didn't try to stand, that is absolutely not the case. I'm just at a spot now where I'm just totally broken by this. I'm seeing the person that I ended up sleeping with several months ago, but I'm still so incredibly lost as to what the hell happened w/ my xW.
Anyway, should run b/c it's late on Friday. Wanted to share in case someone had a similar experience.
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
There's so...so much more, but I figured I'd rambled on long enough.
Easy ones: -OM posting literally hundreds of pictures on FB before PA was confirmed (not joking) -Finding out W had been calling me sexist/alcoholic/RAPIST/substance abuser -W continuing to contact friends/family after boundaries were set -that I loved our dog more than her -...and on and on
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm sorry to see you here and read your story. I think it will be helpful for many to read, as so many people finding this site think if they just file for D it will end this ride and they can get back to normal.
I think you demonstrate well that the piece of paper doesn't change your feelings, and that almost 2 months after your D your just finding this site and looking for closure.
I will tell you what sticks out the most to me.
1. I don't think you are ready to be in a R, and I hope you really consider the situation you are bringing the new girl into.
2. You didn't have the luxury of DB principles for the last year when dealing with your sitch, but you didn't mention what have you done for yourself to improve yourself? (counseling, getting in shape, getting a life)
I hope you keep posting, there are quite a few post D posters on this site that have been there and can provide support.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I don't think I'm anywhere near "ready" to be in a R with the new one. However, she's as informed as she can possibly be and frankly I'm not sure where I'd be without her. So yes, I really have considered what this is doing to her as well. As an aside, she was actually the OW in another marriage where the H went back to his wife...not justifying, but we've had this conversation, she knows how I feel, and we're open about what's happening. Still feel incredibly guilty from time to time.
I've been going to counseling since the very beginning of all of this, but I'm still having major problems in GAL. I got to keep the house, but it's so incredibly hard to be there by myself for any extended period of time. I've actually been more active in the past year than at any time since my mid-20's...hiking, mtb'ing, golfing. I am having major issues with getting out and meeting new people though...part of me has no desire to do so...part of me doesn't remember how to socialize without the xW considering she was so adept at setting that up for me. That, and all my friends are married with kids now...my entire social life w/ the xW consisted of her work events. I was really getting into drinking FAR more than was healthy, but I've recently got a handle on that, so that's been a positive thing.
The one thing that is really bugging me lately is that although I still desperately love and miss the xW, looking at who she is now and all that she's done...there's literally no way that I could ever justify being an acquaintance of her, let alone let her back into my life. Only, half of me wants that more than anything. Drives me nuts.
The other think that kills me is that our common friends really think that I'm the bad guy in all of this due to the xW trashing me at any opportunity. I think I did the right thing by cutting off contact w/ her family and better friends, but she definitely is still talking to mine. I know I can't and shouldn't ever try to control what other ppl think, but makes me sick all the same.
Ugh, I just can't believe how bad this all still [censored].
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
Just to follow Cadet's advice and to keep bumping this thread.
As I keep reading through all these posts I think the one that resonates with me the most are the one's from BluWave. A lot of what I'm writing below is basically what it seems she went through/is going through.
I didn't do much DB-ing early on due to far too much contact w/ the xW with helping her move, fixing up her houseboat, counseling. Although now, I sort of realize that much of what our counselor was trying to say mirrors a lot of the stuff on here. I was just so incredibly hard not to pester her for answers...that I now know she didn't even know the answer to. I was focusing on every move she made and trying to read into every interaction, text, what she was doing and why,
What worries me possibly the most is the idea that I do still want some sort of relationship with the xW even after the divorce, but I have no idea what that means. I definitely still love her...and at times the missing her presence is absolutely crushing. Mainly, I so terribly miss how I used to feel about her, but I keep remembering in my head that the xW is no longer that person. That marriage is over. I do not respect and feel any love towards my xW the way I did before this happened. Not at all. Some days I want pure revenge--I want her to come back just so I could be the one hurting her. Other days I just miss her. Some days I don't know what I am
I also can't seem to detach well enough to let even the smallest of slights in the past go. The raw emotions around acceptance and forgiveness takes a strength and confidence that I just cannot seem to keep in my grasp. Any trigger at all and very easily lapse back into sadness and rage. I will say this to anyone who just got the bomb dropped. DO NOT enter into a collaborative divorce agreement, get your own lawyer...period. I suppose that's it's own post all together. The amount of animosity built between us during that process still gives me PTSD and probably will for a while.
Lastly, the other thing that I keep spinning on is for the life of me, I can't figure out whether the xW falls into MLC or WAW. Just the pure preposterousness of her life over the past year with the 22 year old OM, choosing to live on a houseboat (it's NOT nearly as romantic as it seems) flying lessons, spending nearly 1/3 of the year out of town, changing history...she even walked away from sharing our beloved golden retriever, whom she absolutely adored.
On the other hand, past when she found out I started seeing someone, there's been only one instance of temp checking on her behalf...and our only even remotely cordial communication comes in person of which occasions ceased once the divorce was final. Who knows, maybe her MLC turned her into a WAW after all the crap that went on between us
Any thoughts on this?
Last edited by Cadet; 09/28/1610:18 AM.
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
cskone - I'm not one of the vets and while perhaps your W is showing many of the signs I've read about to indicate a MLC it may not be the case here. It may be that she just got wrapped up in her work / the people and lifestyle there. It almost sounds like she's in advertising with how her work and work-life was progressing. That's a tough, high stress racket.
Depression is one of the key indicators that I've read about that goes along with a MLC. I'm not reading any indication of that in her case. But then it's difficult for me as a random person on the internet to really provide much insight into your situation.
The key thing that I'm reading here though is that you need to take care of yourself. Your W is on her own journey with an uncertain destination. You'll need to grieve the loss of your old MR and start rebuilding yourself. Are there some things you can let slide around the house to make some more time to get out with your old friends? To me it sounds like you are still running at a million miles an hour but feeling like you're going nowhere. Could you maybe take a few days or a week and just go away somewhere either by yourself or with your NG?
You'll get through this but first you need to slow down, take a good hard look at the man in the mirror and decide if you like that person. If you don't, then you'll know where to start.
Good luck!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I quickly read through your thread, and I may have missed something, but I'm wondering why you're here. You're divorced and you're in a new relationship with some other woman, and you said you want some sort of relationship with your XW, but I don't understand why you're here. What are trying to accomplish?
cskone -- what was the process of falling in love with her like? What did you like about her? How did she make you feel? And vice versa: what did she like about you? How did she feel about you?
Your ex sounds super intense. Sometimes mellow people can have something akin to PTSD from falling in love with someone incredibly more intense than they are.
Just a thought from an armchair psychologist.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
