Here is more craziness. My wife's veneer of 'innocence' is starting to crack.
Some backstory: when my brother got married he gave the groomsmen a wedding present. A pretty cool silver whiskey flask engraved with: "Cheers Mother F****er!!! "
Last night I'm alone in the house and I get hungry. I decide to look in the cupboards for something to eat. I open up one of the cupboards and what do I see? Right in front of my face, I thought I had lost it. But the silver flask from my brothers wedding that says:
"Cheers Mother F****er!!! "
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Also, today I withdrew money from our shared business account to pay lawyer bills. Later I am in my therapy group and I get the following shocking texts from my wife.
Wife: [censored] just withdrew another 2 grand from my business W: Om going to scream W: That wasnt meant for you but o am really upset W: Sorry for the language.
Then my response
Me: Wow I am struggling too probably a lot worse than u financially Me: I didn't know you viewed me as such an enemy now I'm really trying to do right through all of this Me: It makes me so sad to realize how everything has changed to ... This
So, I'm basically in a state of shock about these things. To think I spend the first two months of our separation trying to be the nice guy and make it right between us. All the while she has so much contempt and hatred for me. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore with her. She sees me as the villain in her life and an enemy. I really think she is trying to ruin me as much as possible in this divorce.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
My lawyer says be thankful because a couple of years ago she could've moved them 3 hrs all the way across the state and I wouldn't be able to do anything.
If that's the best she's got .......
I'd be getting a new lawyer.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
your brother in arms,
RAI
Thanks RAI. I wouldn't do that. My therapist just kept asking about it and I had to be truthful and say yes it has crossed my mind. He is just very worried about me and I think he is trying to be extra conscientious with me right now.
Yeah when I think of the kids - I can't do it. When I first got to the hospital one of the questions they asked me was - 'Has any family member or close friend of yours ever committed suicide?' I think that means - because if that's true, you are more likely to commit suicide yourself. I wouldn't want to put that on my kids, ever. Or my friends and family.
The pain is just so great right now, and I feel so alone. I just can't go on like this. I have to find a way.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I'm going to share a little story with you, but first, I wanted to say I'm very proud of you for seeking help. It's not easy to do but absolutely nothing to be ashamed of That's a stand up man and dad to seek help when he needs it.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 17. My mom was bipolar, checked out from the family, former drug addict, who filled her drug addiction with gambling. My dad waited until I was old enough and left her. There was another woman. My dad was/is my rock, my everything. My mother fell apart. She went back to drugs she didn't like me much for loving my dad and having a relationship, ect.
To make a long story short, she ended up killing herself when I was 21. She couldn't handle it all, refused to get the help she needed and fell apart.
When my ex left, my D was 6 months old. I was devastated. I worked nights and I remember driving home in the morning wishing a tractor trailer would take me out. I eventually got on AD's and started seeing an IC to help me cope with all the life changes and devastation. But I loved my baby so much, I could not take her mom away. It was awful for me to live with, I could never do that to my baby. I hard fought for baby, too.
You WILL get through this. Each and every crappy part. Break it down and work through it. Don't try to think of it all at once.
I'm going to share a little story with you, but first, I wanted to say I'm very proud of you for seeking help. It's not easy to do but absolutely nothing to be ashamed of That's a stand up man and dad to seek help when he needs it.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 17. My mom was bipolar, checked out from the family, former drug addict, who filled her drug addiction with gambling. My dad waited until I was old enough and left her. There was another woman. My dad was/is my rock, my everything. My mother fell apart. She went back to drugs she didn't like me much for loving my dad and having a relationship, ect.
To make a long story short, she ended up killing herself when I was 21. She couldn't handle it all, refused to get the help she needed and fell apart.
When my ex left, my D was 6 months old. I was devastated. I worked nights and I remember driving home in the morning wishing a tractor trailer would take me out. I eventually got on AD's and started seeing an IC to help me cope with all the life changes and devastation. But I loved my baby so much, I could not take her mom away. It was awful for me to live with, I could never do that to my baby. I hard fought for baby, too.
You WILL get through this. Each and every crappy part. Break it down and work through it. Don't try to think of it all at once.
Keep going for the help.
((((hugs))))
I'm sorry about your mom, that is such a heavy thing to put on your kids. I wouldn't do it. Your story showed me how it's something that affects your family for generations.
They put me on wellbutrin - I guess I have to wait to see if it works in a few weeks. I know you and so many other people have been through this experience and become stronger people afterwards. Why is it so hard for me? I think it has something to do with how hateful and vindictive my wife is being towards me, she really has shown her true colors. And she knows how I am emotionally and how this is probably devastating me. To think that she just absolutely does not give a f**k, it's just crazy for me to realize how much she's changed. I mean this woman was my best friend for a decade.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I remember tripping on acid once and I made a comment to my best friend about how much I appreciated having his friendship. He turned to me and looked at me with kind of a underlying menace and said, "you know, friends are really just enemies that haven't had a reason to kill you yet". I didn't freak out, but it was pretty creepy the way he delivered it.
Point is, everything you say is spot on. The love, loyalty, and friendships that we believe exist in others are really only in our minds, they are just expectations we put on others because we like to believe in them. The courts are horrible, but there is no humane way to tear apart a family and certainly not any way to avoid a decimation to lifestyle. They can't make divorce illegal because for a select few it is a safety requirement, and in addition you can't pass legislation that flies in the face of what society wants, which apparently is to abandon lifelong partnerships to chase the dragon of the dream marriage. And in general we live in a world run by capitalism which leaves many out in the cold. And even nature itself is heartless, as many animals get hunted and killed, and many others starve. Not everyone can win in life, and the universe is pretty merciless in terms of not changing to make it easier for you to accept.
But while nature and the laws of life may seem cruel and uncaring, I believe we can change that at least a little. Like I work in a corporation. By definition corporations are soulless machines that only care about making money. But as an employee I can breathe life into the corporation, making sure the people I work with feel cared for, striving to make a difference for my customers and employees, etc. Essentially I form a small bubble where caring exists. Outside the bubble it is kill or be killed, and to some extent I can't protect people from the consequences of their choices. But it's like how astronauts use artificial gravity, gravity doesn't exist in space but it does on their space station. The same way I can create a pocket in the universe where the normal rules don't apply and compassion exists. And so can you, and so can many others.
So basically, yes, the universe itself isn't bad, but it's sure not looking out for you, and horrible monstrosities exist...but there are a few people that try to put some humanity into the middle of it. Not enough to make it the world we wish it was sometimes. But it's what we can do.
Hang in there q, we need you to help make a small difference and showing your children how to do the same.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
