What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coconut]

Ok, so the hurricane stayed pretty far offshore from us, so worst we got locally wasn't even as bad as some of the storms that usually come through this area. I'm hoping the same for those north of us in Jacksonville area, but it's looking like it may hit them pretty hard.

As for R stuff, we finished putting all the shutters up and bringing everything inside yesterday around 3pm. I then went to my apt to shower, change and some stuff to stay overnight at the house. After being back at the house for about 2 hours, I was getting cabin fever and didn't want to be there, so I headed back to my house for the night (by then it was obvious we weren't going to get hit hard).

She text me about 30 mins. later and said that she had picked up stuff to make dinner for the 3 of us, and I was welcome to come have dinner. I thought it was nice of her so I accepted, and headed back to the house soon after. She cooked, I hung out with son, helped her with a few things cooking wise, and we all sat down to eat.

After dinner, I was getting antsy again, just didn't want to be there, so I stuck around for about an hour and then left to go home.

I'm starting to realize there is nothing there, I have no feelings for her, I don't know if I would ever want to get back together with her. I do not have any urges to understand why, or discuss us, and definitely do not picture a future with her in it. I also don't find myself having any anger towards her anymore. I think the only emotion I derive from her anymore is annoyance, annoyed that she procrastinates, annoyed that she is ALWAYS on phone whenever I see her (she was even on phone while we were putting up shutters), but I can now honestly say I don't care anymore.

I'm even finding myself wondering if I should go ahead and file for D. The logical me says that there is no hurry, and I never know how I will feel in a year or so, so I am not going to file, but I do like that I could go file and it wouldn't matter to me. Sure it would be sad, just as every step we go through brings some sadness, but it would no longer devastate me, it would no longer change the way I live my life. Man, that really feels good.

[TxHubby]

Now that you're becoming "meh" about the marriage, watch the results of that. She'll start pursuing you more. She already is to some degree. They want what they can't have.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

I am glad to read that you guys are safe from Matthew...whew, it's really scary to look at it from the news.

As for your internal dialogue about filing for a D, you will know when to file for a D. It is when the chatter inside your head stops and you just know deep inside your cells.

If the chatter is still going on, then maybe hold off on filing for a bit longer.

[doodler]

Coconut,

I'm in Tally-town. We're getting a lot of gusty wind and we're a long way from the east coast.

[Coconut]

So, woke up late today and saw a bunch of missed calls from WW and a text telling me the movers are at the house and her check wasn't deposited in her account that she switched her deposit to. Asked me to check joint acct to see if her check was deposited in there, I guess she doesn't even know the password to our acct (smh), so I text her back and tell her only my check was deposited.

She just texts crap, I can't believe my check wasn't deposited, ok. So again, my instinct is to tell her I can withdraw the money she needs to pay them, but I didn't and am not going to offer. But I'm not sure what I'm going to do if she asks to borrow the money, im not going to offer but I think it may be mean to not help her out if she asks.

As I'm sitting here, I think about the things she's not known over the last week since I've moved out. She had to ask how to turn the sprinklers off, she's had to ask how to turn the ac down, I had to tell her that garbage man will only take special garbage bags I had in cabinet (she was using regular ones), she had to ask me to check joint account, she had to ask me to drain hot tub, take apart trampoline.... I've done everything around the house while we were M, but yet she has the nerve to say I didn't do anything. Not only did she not have the courtesy or desire to help out around the house, but she didn't even recognize everything I did.

[sandi2]

We women thought it was bad enough when you said she had never bought groceries, but now we learn it was much worse. She doesn't know how to turn the AC down?! This is a female firefighter?

I sure hope you have learned a lesson, Coconut, b/c this woman is going try and use you like crazy....and it will not end once she is out of the house.......just sit back and watch. What concerns me is that you will find excuses (mainly the boy) to do things for her. Plus, this boy is like 16 or 17 yrs old, right? Can't he do a few things, like draining the tub, taking apart the trampoline, etc............(and if you say you never wanted him having to do things like that b/c of whatever, then that's going to be very telling on you maybe having co-dependent issues). She really has not been on her own since you moved out, but like I said, she will continue to use you for whenever she gets another place. It will be never ending. It is way past time for her to put on her big girl panties!

I have been wondering if you have some co-dependency issues. I did not see it, until after you decided to separate. However, I certainly am no authority on the subject. I believe we show love for our children, and spouse, by teaching them how to do things for themselves..........not doing it all for them. Doing everything for them, teaches them how to be dependent on us.

[Rose888]

I also wonder if part of the high she gets from firefighting is feeling competent.

[Ginger1]

What leads you to think she didn't have the courtesy desire to do anything around the house? Did you ask her to help and she turned you down and she told you to do it? Or did she just not volunteer ?

[Coconut]

Sandi, I always had him helping me do things, build the trampoline, change the spark plugs, build dance floor etc... The kiss is hella book smart, but has mechanical know how of a chimp. If I don't tell him step by step instructions, he gets frustrated and gives up. So it would take a lot for him to figure this stuff out.

Rose888, lol.. I never thought about it, but you may be right.. She is generally grouped into the pretty blonde girly thing, so being looked up to as a first responder could have something to do with her sudden holier than now attitude.

Ginger, I simply would get tired of waiting for her to do something and go do it myself. Example, we have (well she has now) a dog that is part chow, so very hairy, and she needs to be shaved every 2 or 3 months or shedding gets out of control. I've been telling W since December to take her to groomers, well last week my mom came over and took the dog to groomers cause she didn't want dog shedding all over my sons new house. 10 months she procrastinated, and I refused to pick up the slack. Over all, when I ask her to do something, she would agree and then procrastinate.

[Coconut]

I posted this on Blu's thread and just wanted to copy it here.

Lately I have been pondering on the process for the WS to realize how bad what they did was and truly feel remorse. In my case, my WW recently (6 mos after this all started) told her BFF that it was my fault she had an A, she told my cousin that she was friends with OM first (they only knew each other 1 mos before A) to justify her continuing "friendship", she told me during counseling that I think it was so much worse than it was...

6 mos in, she still feels zero remorse for what she's done. She's lost my family, she's lost me and we've sold our house. Yet before we signed the contract to sell I said you know what I need, and she replied "yeah, to give up just about everything". She's lost most of her long time friends, she's lost my family (a huge part of her previous life), she's lost everything but our son and the fire dept. and yet she still feels no remorse.

I'll be honest blue, I don't know how you decided to accept your WH back into your life after a year, because I am 6 mos in and my walls are so high tha I don't see any way she could ever get past them to come back to me. I still hope one day I will get a true apology, but I'm past ever expecting that, and I'm past caring if I don't...