was or what 8

[ForeverYoung]

It may be coincidence but there appears to be slightly better interactions in the last few days. Not world changing but noticeable.More conversation more openness and slightly closer position on the couch.

It's weird, but sometimes even when our spouses aren't "into" us, they really don't want to lose us any more than we want to lose them. I think this is especially true in a MLC situation when there is no OP. Keep this in mind as you move forward.

That, and the power of positive thinking will take you a long way.

[Zephyr]

howdy, hope your week went well! dropping by to wish ein prosit, or three as the song would go

I will catch up this weekend a bit more....until then....

[roist]

Before continuing, I wanted to say I do realise that many fellow dbers strive towards having what I have. In many ways my situation is more bearable than others and yet more difficult in other ways. FY posted the good and the bad aspects of his M on one of his early threads. So for the record here is mine, though I will not dig deep into the bad points, as I avoid focusing too much on that. I don't need to focus on it. I am aware and see it without effort!!!

GOOD points:
# Never had a real BD. No ILYBNILWY. No I want to leave and no talk of D/S.
# Share a bed and go to bed together. Comfortable enough to: undress in front of me.
# average four kisses every day to say hello, goodbye, good morning and good night .
# only told one friend about state of M. Yes Mr inappropriate. Other friends and family are in the dark

# most of her friends and all her family really like me

# treat each other respectfully almost always.

# W v good/involved with sons

# W emphasises family. Family time/activities. Prepared family tree and put it up in corridor between boys rooms. Phones my mam with sons from time to time.

# W does lions share of household chores and often makes big effort with meals. I appreciate this even if it means more dishes to be cleaned afterwards by me!! I do a fair share and we usually clean house together.

# W does not flinch if we are in contact. I initiate contact when on couch/in bed in non sexual manner. I do this for two reasons. 1 because I can and this situation is going to last a long time so may as well make the most of it. 2 because I want to keep things slightly beyond the roommate status

# will do stuff with me alone or with others, non date/romantic stuff at least.

There are more but I got to go. None of this means I will save my M just as the bad stuff does not mean I won't.

Just to mention 3 negatives:
1 sexless, affection less roommate R
2 wears ring v rarely
3 two years trying and about two years in crisis before that. Guess that means I am closer to the end.... haha.

Any suggestions/comments or questions?

[ForeverYoung]

That's a lot of nice positives there, roist! My guess is this marriage is yours to re-make... or end. Your wife isn't going anywhere. I'd suggest you quit anticipating a bomb and move forward with this in mind. Your wife does not sound completely checked out.

Have you read Michele's book, Sex Starved Marriage? If not, you should. I can't over emphasize how big of a difference even small progress in this area will keep you going! Bust On!

[roist]

Should have also mentioned that W is home with me (actually more than me now) every night with v few exceptions and those are not suspicious.

Thanks for quick reply FY.
Maybe she isn't fully checked out or maybe she is making the best of a bad situation whilst here. Although I focus as much as possible on the positives, she is still checked out. Every day had poor moments too.

I like to think that deep down, she is still here because there is still hope. within her.

I don't think I am still waiting for her to bomb me. I no longer fear it in any case. She can choose to end this anytime....... either way. I am here to seek guidance on how to build on what we have. All help and advice accepted.

I have not read SSM because I felt it was more for committed couples where that side is lacking. I believe our situation is a more general crisis.But I will add it to my list to read. I have listened to Michelle's videos about SSM.

I am outlining as much as possible my situation so people here have a fuller picture and can hence offer more specific advice. If anyone has questions I am happy to answer.

Shortly I will update where I am working on myself and specifically about Caliguys changing traits method. Until then thanks for reading and have a good weekend.

[roist]

Hi Z.

Welcome to my new digs. Have a good weekend yourself.

[Cadet]

I have not read SSM because I felt it was more for committed couples where that side is lacking. I believe our situation is a more general crisis.But I will add it to my list to read. I have listened to Michelle's videos about SSM.

Yes - read it!

[Rose888]

I haven't read your threads sporadically, so this may be something you've addressed already, but can you elaborate on why you say your relationship is an affectionless roommate R?

You mentioned you sleep in the same bed, she undresses in front of you, you get four kisses a day, and she doesn't pull away if you initiate physical contact.

That doesn't match any roommate situation I've lived in.

Also, you say she will do non-date things with you. Can you clarify?

My H and I went to dinner and a play last night. Is that the sort of thing your wife does wih you?

If the main issue is that your relationship is devoid of sex, then I recommend Michelle's book. (Although I was reading it as the low-libido spouse, so it might not be as helpful for you as it was for me.)

You might also try reading other books. There was one written to low-libido women that I felt had the most insight into how I felt and some of the things that were getting in the way of my desire. I wanted to share it with my H and say, "Look at these passages I highlighted. This is me!" I didn't, but I wanted to.

[roist]

I had thought about getting that book and even starting a thread under SSM. I will read it. Still being together my private reading time is limited but I do manage to do some. Thanks all for the recommendation.

Rose888,
Thank you for droppings by and taking the time to write to me. I read your thread when I was in newcomers and liked your advice to others. I welcome your perspective for many reasons including you being the low drive spouse,you having turned things around and not least you being a woman.

If it was ONLY sex I probably would not be having such a hard time of it. Though I use the word only lightly because it has been over THREE years now! That is not low drive. Not having sex is one thing but knowing it is unlikely is another. I say unlikely but at moment it is certain.

My W is a WAW who hasn't walked. She is checked though still there. All the things I listed are truly present but seems superficial, keeping up a front....idk. I cannot explain this though earlier on I put a lot of time into trying. Maybe she is only here for the kids, but that doesn't explain everything. Maybe she does not want to verbalize this so she does the mininal kissing and allows physical contact.By contact I mean touch, not touching. Side by side, or my arm/leg on hers etc. She puts herself in a position that facilitates me being close but does not put her hand/arm/leg etc on mine.

There are many times filled with silence. At times even when talking only with me eye contact is avoided. But then there are moments though fewer where it is the exact opposite. Sometimes talking she stares directly into my eyes for so long I an a bit unconformable.

I don't have the time now to elaborate further but trust me the glorified roommate description is not false. It is tough and I have feelings that make me understand the WAS very well. This at times hinders my struggle but mostly gives me the understanding and compassion I need to keep going.

Rose I hope we get to continue chatting as I feel your perspective could help me.

Best wishes and have a good Sunday

[roist]

I'll finish my reply to Rose.

No we have not gone out on a date like that in .....well a long long time. Earlier on I made initiatives by organising some. I will organise one shortly for our 10th anniversary so we will see if things go better. I don't think she is ready yet so I will just take it as it comes and make mental notes! It was a few days after our 8th anniversary that I decided I wanted to do everything I could to save my M. So I can celebrate that too I may not have saved it but I haven't lost it ( or who knows.... )

I guess I would prefer her to either check fully out or check back in. Obviously I prefer the latter, but both beat this partial BS. Maybe it is a good achievement that I have stopped things getting worse and held it together this long. No maybe. It is. But this is not how I want to live and eventually will not. But for now I have work to finish on me and other distractions.

I am not happy with my life and am slowly working towards reliving again . I am holding myself back on that a little but I recognize this and know I can live much more even within this situation. I am taking steps towards that..I will get there.

My struggle has not being really about giving up but moreso not wanting to continue to live this way. There is a difference.

I want to be able to stand long enough that my W can decide in her own time to leave or not. But there are times I feel it is not right that she gets to choose after all this time but in reality she can choose because I made a choice. So I amino victimhere.

If I read these positive points in any other thread I would say it is sure she is not fully gone and the chances are better than average at reviving our connection.But being my situation and living the downside I have a harder time believing that.

But for now we are both still here.

I have often written about my struggle throughout my threads. I acknowledge and appreciate the better points. I embrace gratitude strongly even if I do not journal it here always. When I moved to mlc section it was to seek out guidance from long timers and to help them help me I am making the time to outline my situation as fully as possible.

I look forward to your observations/comments or questions. Thank you for getting me to share this.