You don't need to assume the role of his mother to get him to work through those childhood issues. Don't take his crisis issues on and try to fix them.
You listened and validated. That's what you can do, and you did it:)
Cali and Ginger have made good points. All you can do is offer not to make the food that he thinks he's allegoric to. Of course, it might be that he eats too much of it and then his digestive system goes haywire.
As for the locked door, it could be something that happened to him as a child at night. Could be someone came into his room and scared him or it could possibly be someone came in and touched him inappropriately. The locked door symbolizes safety to him right now.
All you can do is listen and validate. You can't be his mother and attempt to fix his issues. You need to focus on your sons, especially the one that may need to drop a class. Focus on your sons. Your h is a grown man (little boy blue) and he needs to figure things out for himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho, I was waiting for Job and others, more experienced than me, to reply first. But my first instinct was to say do NOT suggest to keep the door unlocked. And judging from what you wrote, you feel yourself it would not be a good thing to do. So just let him do what he feels he needs to do.
Hi HaWho, that is a sad story about your H's mother. I hate to think of him being unwell and not being cared for properly. I can certainly understand how he must fear dying alone and no-one realising.
That said, I agree with posters above. I don't think you need to take action on this, other than listening as you have. After all, if he chooses to leave his door locked or unlocked is up to him, but it is good that he trusted you enough to share this. I would say not to raise this again unless he chooses to discuss it with you.
Hope you have a good weekend and that workload settled down for your S. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
HaWho I think you did great (as always) and that there isn't much else you could do. It sounds like he is processing his issues, in his own unique way, and that doesn't leave much room for a wife to help.
How are you feeling? How are you coping with all the madness?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am telling you, living with the MLCer is like living in a parallel universe. H must be wearing those Galaxy goggles and watching a different story altogether.
The last few weekends have been tough. I have been in a lot of pain. It's the one year anniversary of me dealing with the letter and I am feeling it. I know next year will be easier as I hardly feel BD anymore and that was 2 years ago. H has been locked away in his dorm room. Lots of music. Saturday he went out and I knew it was coming. Beforehand he always acts like he is trying to earn a Boy Scouts badge. He was around the kids and walked the dog early so I could sniff something was up. At 7 he announced he was going out for the night. s11 asked where and h gave absolutely no answer; he just walked right on by! Lovely. And that was hard because it was just like the hardcore replay days. It triggered me right back to those emotions.
The next day, I acted as if. We were driving to S11's game and h pointed out a dead animal in the road that was there at 6 AM that morning. He asked if he woke us when he went to drive and listen to music. I said not a word and left S11 to answer. I never heard him leave. Guess he was worried I knew he snuck out and he ratted on himself.
Nights are very difficult for him. The TV is on all night in the dorm room. Some nights music is blaring until 4AM. Saturday h slept most of the day as he was up all night with music the night before.
S11 had an overnight field trip today. Somehow I missed that parents were doing a send off for the kids when the bus left? H sent me a nasty text asking me if I was taking the day off from parenting.
I asked what he meant and he told me parents were waving kids off. He really laid a heavy guilt trip on me. I thanked him for being there. And thank goodness he was! I told him I just misunderstood. (Also I am stressed out about S13's workload, processing the pain of the letter and I have an eye issue that Inmnow is stress induced.)
Then a few minutes later, I stuck up for myself. I told him I wished he could be more respectful to me. I made a mistake and asked why his response was "you're a bad mom" vs. "hey, you missed this, are you okay?" I did all son's laundry for the trip, had everything he needed on the list, packed all his food and completed every task (it was A LOT of prep)! The night before we cuddled for a while and talked about the trip. This, after reading together for the night. (H meanwhile was in the dorm room listening to music and didn't lift a pinky finger to prepare!). And in the morning I kissed s11 and said see you tomorrow. I know S11 will understand I made a mistake and that I am not a bad mom. I have a VERY clear conscience on this front.
When asked why h thinks the worst of me, he went back to the past and reminded me that 2 years ago I showed up at a family night at school without my wedding rings on. Um, yeah, what he neglected to mention is that this was 2 DAYS after he told me he was going to get an apartment and sleep around (after lying to my face and saying nothing was up when I asked where he was going all the time!). So I reminded him of all this and said, considering the circumstances I KNOW I handled things pretty well. I told him I was in tremendous pain and yes, I acknowledged (again) I have made mistakes. (Thank goodness h is not on any judiciary boards!!)
I am done apologizing. I have given genuine apologies for all my various flaws. I have offered to go to marriage counseling and was told there was no point as everything was my fault. FINIS with apologies.
Then came the following: I have not done anything for him in 13 years!
No validation there. All truth darts. I said I am sorry he felt that way, but that I worked pretty hard those years (and everyone saw it and commented on it.) I took care of the kids 90% of the time, I cooked, I cleaned, I did all the laundry. Trust me: I have the hands to show I did the work. And so I stood up for myself. I told because I did all those things he had the gift of free time. And he did.
I did also say that I am sorry he feels I did "nothing." Then I also said we both already know from his letter exactly what he thinks of the physical sacrifices I made (with my body) to have children. He of course, did not respond to that.
The good news: last time he spewed he told me I haven't done anything in 18 years!!! This time, the amount was reduced to 13 years! In another two years, I am hoping it will be reduced to a decade.
As for me, I am okay. Staying busy. I saw friends last night and that was great. Played a really competitive tennis match the other day. The player was a 4.5 and so good. I am still a 4.0 and have been contemplating trying to do the work to move up. I realized just exactly how much work that would take.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
After we ate dinner in the kitchen, h went to the dining room table and was working on something there. I know he was out of the dorm room to temp read how mad I was about all that he said.
I squared my shoulders, walked right past him, went upstairs and was just so fed up. His comments were so unwarranted. I converted my room to a spa. I painted my nails a super cheerful red color.
I went into S13's room, told him the color was "Roulette Rush" and I asked what he thought. He said it really looked "Russian red." Then he told me politely that he had homework to do and in a Russian accent he asked me to go back to the Motherland, aka my room. LOL!! Love my kids' wit.
Anyway, I returned to the Motherland and up popped a text from h and I just groaned. I just want to be left alone. I think at this point my love language is: just don't project that I am your mother. (This should be added into the next edition of Chapman's book.)
H's text said he is sorry for the initial text (where he said I am a bad mom) and he did not mean to upset me. Then he said goodnight. I love how he only apologized for the "initial text." Guess that means he meant everything that followed.
I think this is, seriously, the third or fourth time he has apologized in the 18 years I have known him. I am waiting to cool off. Then I will accept the apology and say goodnight.
Really, I am surprised he noticed and cared that he upset me. He hasn't expressed concern about such things in a lonnnnng time.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm so sorry you are going through these difficult times! Such "anniversaries" we never asked for... Wouldn't it be great if we could just hit a delete button & erase part of our memory?
You are excellent mother & excellent wife. Isn't it funny that they do one thing in relation to kids compare to our 100 but somehow it's always such a big thing! And how they are just waiting for our one mistake to rub it into our face. You did well to indulge into your "spa" treatment.
Your son sounds just like my s15 (including the Russian accent - in my case when he makes fun of my shiny clothes) 😊
Hi Ha, Wow, that's a lot to process. I'm glad you turned the Motherland into a spa. My love language is if you're in a MLC you're on the outs with me.
So I guess the positive is that this very proud man who almost never apologizes got through his fog enough to a. realize he'd upset you and b. said he was sorry.
Small consolation, but there it is: the silver lining.
Hugs from the East coast. xoxoxoxo dosvedanya
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
He noticed this time because you didn't apologize for something you didn't do, you didn't just validate it, you didn't own his stuff, you point blank called him on his BS. You stood up for yourself and pointed out the truth.
