Living with a WW (2)

[Jug]

Thanks doodler. Interesting thought. She is aware of what she's doing so I'm leaning towards saying nothing and let her show her feelings and commitment. That would be detaching.

[sandi2]

Any other suggestions for things to do at my current stage(just broke contact but says she KNOWS we won't have a romantic or sexual relationship)?

This is your W trying to get you to accept that the M is over and that there's no hope for a future. She wants to be free of the M. When she says these type of statements, you should not argue or say things like she may change her mind, or never knowing what lies ahead, etc. This is the wrong thing to say to a WW. In fact, just don't reply at all, or else, say something like, "You may be right".

LBH'S often fear saying something that gives the impression he believes the M is over, b/c they think it influences the W. Well, it does.....but not the way the LBH thinks. It's one thing for her to be the dumper, but she never expects to be the dumped. If he acts as if he is having second thoughts about wanting a woman like her......it can shake her up enough to question her decisions about ending the M.

She claims to want to work things out but doesn't always wear her rings. Before this, she never took them off. Is it pursuing to tell her that wearing the rings now shows commitment to trying?

She lies. You need to watch her behavior. If her behavior doesn't line up with her words, mark it down as lies.

[Jug]

Thanks sandi! That is very insightful. I will definitely respond that way or not at all.

As for watching her behavior, I watch it plenty and am trying not to let it consume me. What should I watch for in particular other than obvious signs of cheating?

[sandi2]

I did not mean you should sit around watching her every move. Don't do that! What I was saying is that you cannot believe what she says..........until you can see her actions parallel with her words.

[Jug]

Thanks again Sandi! So now I wait for her to come out of her fog?

[sandi2]

Why should you put your life on hold while she is in fantasy land? Instead of spending every day thinking of what you can do to get her back, drop the rope and focus on enjoying your life without her. This may be the only chance you have to do things just for yourself.

It concerns me how many men on the board have become codependent on their W & M. When the W dumps the H, he realizes he doesn't have friends, or much of a life apart from his W. If that's the case with you, maybe you need to discover the man you were before M.

[msp710]

My wife took her's off almost immediately after the BD. Right now she's out of her head. Let her keep them off. It doesn't mean anything if she wearing only because you want her to.

Keep your head up. I feel for you.

[Jug]

Thanks guys. I've done a better job at detaching but am always looking for guidance on things I should and shouldn't be doing at each stage. I have a plan for a life without her. It's not preferred but it's not terrible either

[sandi2]

When she sees you are enjoying life and have stopped trying to get her to work on the M, she will temp check you, then when that doesn't work, she'll get angry (or visa versa). But you are cool and don't let it ruffle your feathers. Eventually, when she sees you are not going to bend to her moods or fall for her manipulation tricks, she will feel that she's losing you.........which will be a good thing. When she realizes what she's losing/lost, it will start pulling her out of the fantasy fog.

[Jug]

She has been more pleasant since claiming to have broken contact. More family activities and more meals as a family. Even cooking more. It may not prove anything but it makes home life more pleasant.