I was asking for some divine help while I was floundering with all the toxic interactions today and I saw your post above.
I am starting to realise with great horror that this is one of the life lessons that I have to learn asap before I start repeating all these horrific life lessons.
Mind over matter. Control and act in spite of my emotions.
You are a superhero!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hey bluwave SH said I should stop by and I am really glad that I did I have just spent the last hr or so reading your thread and have been trying to take it all in
I think I am going to have to re read as I feel lots of really helpful things have been said and I want to get the most value from what has been posted it really is in lightening
Thoughts and feelings it is all too easy to get stuck in a feeling
Personal growth for me is what I hope to take out of my stitch
Every day is a new day
Hugs
Ghost feeling more At Peace
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I welcome all advice, feedback, thoughts and hijacks. I'm not great about posting consistently, but I try and make my way back and read up on folks.
SH, you are correct that not feeling isn't possible, as that would mean that one was just stuffing emotions, and they are bound to resurface in less healthy ways. I actually feel many things but what I mean is lately I don't feel much attraction and love for my H. (that was hard to admit and even brought tears to my eyes)
Like most of you, I want my M. I want my family intact. I recognize that it is also the best thing for our children and our finances. I appreciate the value of being with the same person over time. I don't think that splitting up and moving on to the next person bring people more happiness. I understand that people make mistakes and that he made a terrible mistake. I even understand how this happened.
If all of you in DB land came together and created a list of what the wayward would need to do for the LBS to find forgiveness and have success in piecing, well he is doing it. But, there is a big but. None of that is changing the way I feel.
I am trying to go with my brain and not my heart. I choose each day to do what I believe is the right thing. I think I can accept what happened. But, I just don't know how I will feel over time. There is something I know I will need and want in love. It makes me so sad to say this, but I just don't know if this will work for me in the long run.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I understand how you feel, it would be very hard for me to take my spouse back after an A. I used to think that was the one situation in which I would initiate a D myself. In any other situation I would fight for the M.
When a relationship is built on trust, and this is a fundamental breach of trust, then what can you do.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I welcome all advice, feedback, thoughts and hijacks. I'm not great about posting consistently, but I try and make my way back and read up on folks.
SH, you are correct that not feeling isn't possible, as that would mean that one was just stuffing emotions, and they are bound to resurface in less healthy ways. I actually feel many things but what I mean is lately I don't feel much attraction and love for my H. (that was hard to admit and even brought tears to my eyes)
Like most of you, I want my M. I want my family intact. I recognize that it is also the best thing for our children and our finances. I appreciate the value of being with the same person over time. I don't think that splitting up and moving on to the next person bring people more happiness. I understand that people make mistakes and that he made a terrible mistake. I even understand how this happened.
If all of you in DB land came together and created a list of what the wayward would need to do for the LBS to find forgiveness and have success in piecing, well he is doing it. But, there is a big but. None of that is changing the way I feel.
I am trying to go with my brain and not my heart. I choose each day to do what I believe is the right thing. I think I can accept what happened. But, I just don't know how I will feel over time. There is something I know I will need and want in love. It makes me so sad to say this, but I just don't know if this will work for me in the long run.
-Blu
Blu
Reading this creates a swirl of thoughts and emotions in me right this moment...
I have had these same thoughts running through me with much frequency....
I have fought to suppress them... Shed some tears as you have just now.... Told my brain that we gotta get it and the heart on the same page... Tried to suppress the emotions... Bottle them up.... Tuck them away... and throw them out....
I have struggled with feelings of guilt, because how can I be at this point after such a short time.... My W, did not cheat on me, nor do anything to me, except leave in a big hurry.... I felt that it was out of the blue, but with each passing day I look back and see signs and red flags popping up for years.... Have I thrown in the towel so soon? I am still DBing...but is has been for me....and only me....not to bust the d....not since she left.... After she called me the other night, my d18 said I was acting odd...she asked me just out of the blue, "Dad, would you take her back? I responded so quickly, that I was in shock... I replied, "No." "She would have to do to much work for me to even consider it....." I then paused in my own state of shock as d18 looked at me..... I then said, "I'll cross that bridge if we get to it." "But for now, I must complete putting myself back together and move forward."
Anyway, there I go again, babbling on.
My point Blu, is that what you share is huge. I have sensed that you have hinted at this, but you have now expressed it. And guess what? This is your right and choice to make. He did what he did, and is working his way back, but as I read a recent post by job, one of the options is that the LBS has moved on when the WAS/WS returns to reconcile.
I strongly believe, that you are putting in the work and when the time does come, you will know it and you will be able to say with your head held high and all the confidence in the universe...."I have made my decision, and it is......"
Blu, there will be no shame, regardless of that decision. You have taken time, and put in the work, and even as he has done so as well, by him making the decision he did in the past, that means the next decision is yours.... There is no wrong or right, except, for what ever it is, that you deem is right for you.
((((((((((BlueWave))))))))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Quick hijack.... JksD, I am so glad to be inspired to be able to provide divine help in your time of need. I pray for you every day and look to be here for you when you are at a place to come back frequently....that and so I can get an update on the inverted moves that you are working on.
Ghost! So glad you made it over here. Read, Re read and read some more. You and I have much work to do, and there is knowledge here that you need.... So the work can begin and stay consistent.
qt, my friend.... focus off of taking her back or not. You are much to early in the process to continue to think on this.. much work still to do on yourself. IMHO, we each need to put in the work and time, before we earn the "right" to take them back or not.... this is not to say that you can do what you choose, but trust me, I see many a LBS here, that rushed to toss the WAS/WS out, only to regret it later. Lets focus on what you know is right to put in the work, then ponder on where you are at for taking her back or now.... assuming the option is an option at such point. Sorry for the 2x4, my friend, but we will get you into the right place yet.... I sense you are so close to being there, so please read the info here about your emotions, and then your responses to temper your feelings.... Great power comes in this discipline my friend. Great power indeed.
I will share more in the next day or two. There is still much to discuss, if you agree Blu. It is your thread, and as much as you say we can have it, I still prefer to ensure the convo is of benefit for you.....
“Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” Alexander McCall Smith
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I ran across this story that really has me thinking....
"For example in my 18 year marriage, my ex-husband held all the power and control, was emotionally cruel, and uncaring. In the years following our divorce, he continued the treatment by harassing me legally as he drug me in and out of court for a decade with false allegations of endangering the children, cohabitation, and more. I learned to fear him and his actions. It got to the point where if I just saw an email from him in my inbox, my heart would start pounding, my breathing would become rapid and shallow, and I would actually start sweating. Then, I would soon feel dread, anxious, and worried. My body was exhibiting the instinctual emotion of fear followed by the feelings I had learned to associate with him.
During the marriage and for years after, I reacted from this fearful place as the overly emotional, angry victim who fought back. As the years passed after the divorce, I slowly evolved, began to live more mindfully, and learned a different way. It took years, but I was eventually able to not knee-jerk react to his antics and to consciously and deliberately choose my feelings and behaviors according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life. When I mastered this skill, life calmed way down for me, and I managed to find peace and happiness despite the fact that he continued his attacks on me.
While I was in the process of growing, it would frustrate me to no end because my heart would still pound upon just getting a message from him. I felt like my body was betraying me while, in my head, I knew better and remained calm and confident. My body still exhibited the emotion, but I inserted conscious thought and instructed myself as to how I wanted to feel and proceed.
In the gaps between emotion, feeling, and acting, we all have the power to change and direct our lives for the better. Understanding your emotions and managing your feelings with conscious thinking so they don’t hijack your brain followed by conscious action can actually change your brain through neuroplasticity, the scientifically proven ability of your brain to change form and function based on repeated emotion, thought, and behavior, and change your life."
Love all of this. Thank you so much for posting.
Actually one of the first things I read this morning, and it's set me up very well for the day ahead I think.
I understand how you feel, it would be very hard for me to take my spouse back after an A. I used to think that was the one situation in which I would initiate a D myself. In any other situation I would fight for the M.
When a relationship is built on trust, and this is a fundamental breach of trust, then what can you do.
Thank you for this. I never thought prior that I would be able to see past any kind of A. So here I am now wondering the same thing. I keep thinking and telling him he needs to try harder. I have asked him to initiate more time together, more plans, and more affection. Perhaps that is me keeping a wall up? Not sure. All those little things about him that I learned to see past, now feel like deal breakers. Ultimately it is the betrayal of the A. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this in my history? I am starting to ask myself that. I adored this man and was so in love with him. I still miss feeling that way.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, that pains me to read. You've been through so much, you want to love him so bad, it's hard to read that you don't feel "that" way about him and question if you ever will. How long do you wait and see, how long to you keep up the struggle, when is enough enough??? Only you can answer those things, it's hard to know when your past giving up too soon.
You always hear about M that survive an A and how they are stronger and better than they ever were before.. but I wonder if there is a limit to how "involved" the A was before it is just too much to come back from.
I hope you find your happiness, I am praying and rooting for you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I don't know. I guess I have been down about it lately. I think in the early stages of this, we all put time lines and limits on things. I know I did. "If there is any type of A, I'm out. If he doesn't come back in X amount of time, I'm done. If the EA turns PA, I can't see past that. I'll give it X amount of time. He must do x, y, z. One year. Two years. When all the kids are adults and move out. etc. etc. etc." What does all that mean anyway?
I recall reading too that if a M can survive an A, that it can be stronger than before. Who said that? I'm not sure I buy into it! Lol. This is so hard. On the surface, it appears that we have it all. And there are so many details that I have not included that would make any type of separation or D an extreme hardship on our family. More so it saddens me to even think about that. ... But I still think about the A all the time. It's a weight on my shoulders that never goes away.
I hung out with a dear friend recently who divorced several years ago. She started dating someone last year and things are going well. He is a much better match for her in several aspects and she is happy. They both have their separate homes and there is a significant driving distance, so they can only see each other a couple times a week. Yes, she has to deal with the difficulties of coparenting with XH and some financial constraints. Her XH is also difficult and doesn't communicate well. But she is happy.
So I know that people can D and move on and find happiness with or without another partner in life. I wish I could accept this more and put the A behind me. I want to be with my H and I want my family together. I just feel sad and empty when I start really thinking about it.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
