Tell me what to do!!!

[Zanadoo]

As for the divorce I don't understand why he is taking so long. I know that he can just go file in our state but he hasn't and I don't understand why.

Zanadoo - slow down my dear (I feel I can call you that since I'm old enough to be your Dad - hope you don't mind). I know you are in full blown panic right now and desperate for answers.

One important thing to keep in mind that was a very hard lesson for us all, me especially I think, is that you can't understand your spouse especially if they are behaving in ways that aren't in sync with how they usually behaved.

One thing I read here is where I think you need to be paying the most attention:

I went from a confident go getter kind of person to a meek little mouse.

I know that his past cheating knocked your spirits down but I need to ask you to think hard about this confident go-getter that he first fell in love with. You need to find that person within yourself again and bring her back out of the shell she's been hiding in.

Part of what is written here is that you need to become a person only a fool would leave. Personally my own opinion is that you need to be the person that you want to be. If you aren't that person right now then you need to make the baby steps and even perhaps big steps that are necessary to get there.

Do you have a support network around you? You live on a farm by what it would seem and I know from personal experience how isolating a rural existence can be. Thankfully these days there's the internet that can connect you to friends and family around the world, even random old codgers like myself.

With respect to his question on why he wants you to file together, that's probably just another way of bullying you around.

Keep in mind that as you walk this journey that there will be a lot of bumps and you might not end up where you want to be but by taking the step of reaching out for help you've done one of the most important things. You've realized that you don't want things as they are and you want them changed and are willing to do the hard work necessary to get there.

I'll just leave you with this little bit - just change the word "muscular" to "confident" in your case.

A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife

I'll check in on you from time to time. You can do this. Farmers are tough and lady farmers are even tougher.

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you that there is no reason to try to figure out my spouse right now. I am just a thinker...my brain never shuts off so it is all I think about.
I guess I just don't know how for sure to go about getting back to what I was. He holds me living in our house and driving our pickup over my head as if I am just free loading off of him. I have a part time job and take care of our place by myself and our child by myself. I pay all the bills as well. He has no idea where we are financially and that is how he has wanted it. I have tried to include him he just tells me to take care of it.
It just feels like this is the end and I don't have the option to pursue my dreams because it will all be ripped away from me. But its felt like that for 4 months and he hasn't progressed in anyway in the divorce process so I don't know why I let my fear over take me.
It is sad... I was super cute and a bit of a firecracker when we first started dating. I could hunt, fish, ride horses, and still clean up and look like a lady. But there is something about being a new mother you feel like you can't go do like you did. I don't know does that seem odd? Or maybe it was the way he treated me I don't know.

[AndrewP]

It just feels like this is the end and I don't have the option to pursue my dreams because it will all be ripped away from me.

We can perhaps help you better if we can get know you a bit better. Tell us about these dreams.

It is sad... I was super cute and a bit of a firecracker when we first started dating. I could hunt, fish, ride horses, and still clean up and look like a lady. But there is something about being a new mother you feel like you can't go do like you did. I don't know does that seem odd? Or maybe it was the way he treated me I don't know.

Zanadoo - you need to find the "you" again that is still inside you. We have a few young mothers and pregnant gals here struggling just like you are. What might help you is to perhaps go visiting and learn who your neighbours are here on the forum. I'd like to introduce you to a very special young lady called Cherry who has lifted my spirits more than once when I've been down. You can find her current thread over at
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2705041&page=7

Over on Cherry's thread you'll find other young ladies who are helping and support her just like she's supporting them (and old codgers like me). We also have a few people who've completed their journeys who've come back and given back to this community.

You are not alone. Others are going through these same fires too. You feel lost in a fog (or perhaps in your case a dust storm). I'm glad you've reached out your hand. Get to know your neighbours, learn about their stories and you will find that many of us are fighting similar fights and you will learn from them. Together we're a sort of family. Perhaps the mixed up sort, but a family nonetheless. We also have our own odd-balls, people with unusual ideas and some who just seem to write to spout off whatever sort of bile happens to be in their gut at that time (I think my in-laws fall into that camp ). If any of them come to call try to pay them no mind. There will be some people though who will ask you some questions or challenge you that you may find difficult to face so please think hard before deciding if someone who posts is being rude, or is trying to give you a bit of a shake to make you think. Sometimes it's necessary to do both.

Anyway - break time's over - back to work for a while then I need to figure out what to make myself for supper. It's just me and the cats here now while I wait for my W to complete her own journey.

PS - if you want to find the "home threads" of any of your visitors you can click on their names and select "view posts" which will show you where they've visited. Most of us have our own stories. If you have patience for a lot of reading - I tend to write really long posts full of nonsense on my own thread (I can hear you laughing from here eric!) I'm currently rambling on over nothing much at http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2705325&page=4

[ForGump]

ONJ forever

[Cherry]

Hey! Thought I'd pop over after andrewp told me a little about your story. I can relate to your feelings, we are of similar age and have the same kind of man child h. Plus, both young mothers, I have a 2 year old and I'm 4 months pregnant.

I know you will feel like everything is completely hopeless or out of your hands, we all feel like that. Especially when we first get here, but you are making the right move coming here. Post, vent, let it all out in this safe place. I'm glad you've read db and had a couple of counselling sessions.

Wrt him wanting you to help with the d, maybe this is an attempt to blame shift. If you help him, he would be able to turn round and say "well you helped me", "you didn't stop me". What I said to my h, was that I did not want this, and there is no way I will help you to do any of the heavy lifting. Maybe seek an L for a free consultation (sneaky tip from me, I sought out one of the best D L's in the country, had a consultation, learnt my rights and where I stand, this meant that my h couldn't use this L due to conflict of interest). I found when I knew my rights, I felt a little more comfort that yes this isn't what I want, but it gave me some control.

I wouldn't leave the house or get a new car. Why should you? He wanted this, so he deals with the consequences.

How do you get on with your in laws? Are they supportive of you too?

You say he does see your child, how often and how are the arrangements? My h was always an amazing dad- but now he rarely see something our S. Your h is a similar age to mine, I do wonder if both our h's are freaking out at the thought of being a dad. I guess it's easier as a mother, we nurture and build that bond as soon as we are pregnant. They don't have that, and I think they can become jealous at the fact that when a baby is born, our attention goes to the baby, the father kind of gets pushed aside a little, and may get jealous that we no longer can give them our undivided attention. Your h has also run straight back to his parents, this seems to me as if he is a bit scared he has responsibilities, he isn't exactly out there in the real world, living alone paying bills etc. He also puts his social life first, this is also a trait my h has. They are living like teenagers, free to come and go as they please.

I'm not surprised that your confidence has been knocked. Learning that your spouse cheated on you is a massive confidence killer. I'll bet these girls weren't a patch on you- it would be all about how they feel, a confidence boost to them. What I do want you to do is get back in touch with the old you. Becoming a mom is a huge transition as a woman, but it doesn't need to define you. I am so much more than a mom, and I've slowly learnt how to get back in touch with me. Do you have friends/family close by? People that you can see to do a little something fun for you for a few hours, and a trusted person you can leave your child with for a few hours? Everyone here will tell you to GAL, but it's for a very good reason. A few hours out can really soothe the soul, give you a chance to connect back to you and have fun for a few hours. And the knock on effect will be positive for those around you. I was hesitant at first, thinking it made me a bad mom to leave my S with someone for a few hours, but it really doesn't, your child needs you happy and becoming that strong woman you were, she's still there- your confidence is knocked that's all.

Is there times of the day you feel sadder? I find the evenings when the little one is in bed to be worse. So I made sure to claim that bit of evening for me. I give myself a little mani/pedi, but a facemask on, watch some easy tv that won't get me thinking. Don't take me as a vain person, but I've always had a lot of attention from the males (I've never seen myself as attractive, I have some confidence issues, but others constantly tell me I'm attractive), I'm not slutty in any way/ I'm always covered, but I find since becoming a mom I feel more confident, we brought life into the world, embrace it. I still catch up on regular highlights, brow waxing etc, wear nice clothes. Again, not shallow, but it boosts my confidence and my self esteem I find, so whatever helps I do it. The added bonus is that men are visual, if you see your h, he will notice.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit. Last thing is, don't believe anything they say. This is so true, they will spew whatever is in there head at that time. Read the thread on validating, this really helps with conversations (I practice this daily with anyone I speak to). Validating isn't agreeing- but allowing them to own there feelings without saying they are right or wrong.

I know it's been said not to get your hopes up, but it's really not over until you want it to be. Think of the d as a bit of paperwork, that's all it is. It doesn't define your r at all.

First thing I want you to do is connect with you, find you again and be the best person you can be. Leave him be to his crazy behaviour, we can't control them, but we can control us. Good luck honey!

[Zanadoo]

Hey! Thought I'd pop over after andrewp told me a little about your story. I can relate to your feelings, we are of similar age and have the same kind of man child h. Plus, both young mothers, I have a 2 year old and I'm 4 months pregnant.

I know you will feel like everything is completely hopeless or out of your hands, we all feel like that. Especially when we first get here, but you are making the right move coming here. Post, vent, let it all out in this safe place. I'm glad you've read db and had a couple of counselling sessions.

Wrt him wanting you to help with the d, maybe this is an attempt to blame shift. If you help him, he would be able to turn round and say "well you helped me", "you didn't stop me". What I said to my h, was that I did not want this, and there is no way I will help you to do any of the heavy lifting. Maybe seek an L for a free consultation (sneaky tip from me, I sought out one of the best D L's in the country, had a consultation, learnt my rights and where I stand, this meant that my h couldn't use this L due to conflict of interest). I found when I knew my rights, I felt a little more comfort that yes this isn't what I want, but it gave me some control.

I wouldn't leave the house or get a new car. Why should you? He wanted this, so he deals with the consequences.

How do you get on with your in laws? Are they supportive of you too?

You say he does see your child, how often and how are the arrangements? My h was always an amazing dad- but now he rarely see something our S. Your h is a similar age to mine, I do wonder if both our h's are freaking out at the thought of being a dad. I guess it's easier as a mother, we nurture and build that bond as soon as we are pregnant. They don't have that, and I think they can become jealous at the fact that when a baby is born, our attention goes to the baby, the father kind of gets pushed aside a little, and may get jealous that we no longer can give them our undivided attention. Your h has also run straight back to his parents, this seems to me as if he is a bit scared he has responsibilities, he isn't exactly out there in the real world, living alone paying bills etc. He also puts his social life first, this is also a trait my h has. They are living like teenagers, free to come and go as they please.

I'm not surprised that your confidence has been knocked. Learning that your spouse cheated on you is a massive confidence killer. I'll bet these girls weren't a patch on you- it would be all about how they feel, a confidence boost to them. What I do want you to do is get back in touch with the old you. Becoming a mom is a huge transition as a woman, but it doesn't need to define you. I am so much more than a mom, and I've slowly learnt how to get back in touch with me. Do you have friends/family close by? People that you can see to do a little something fun for you for a few hours, and a trusted person you can leave your child with for a few hours? Everyone here will tell you to GAL, but it's for a very good reason. A few hours out can really soothe the soul, give you a chance to connect back to you and have fun for a few hours. And the knock on effect will be positive for those around you. I was hesitant at first, thinking it made me a bad mom to leave my S with someone for a few hours, but it really doesn't, your child needs you happy and becoming that strong woman you were, she's still there- your confidence is knocked that's all.

Is there times of the day you feel sadder? I find the evenings when the little one is in bed to be worse. So I made sure to claim that bit of evening for me. I give myself a little mani/pedi, but a facemask on, watch some easy tv that won't get me thinking. Don't take me as a vain person, but I've always had a lot of attention from the males (I've never seen myself as attractive, I have some confidence issues, but others constantly tell me I'm attractive), I'm not slutty in any way/ I'm always covered, but I find since becoming a mom I feel more confident, we brought life into the world, embrace it. I still catch up on regular highlights, brow waxing etc, wear nice clothes. Again, not shallow, but it boosts my confidence and my self esteem I find, so whatever helps I do it. The added bonus is that men are visual, if you see your h, he will notice.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit. Last thing is, don't believe anything they say. This is so true, they will spew whatever is in there head at that time. Read the thread on validating, this really helps with conversations (I practice this daily with anyone I speak to). Validating isn't agreeing- but allowing them to own there feelings without saying they are right or wrong.

I know it's been said not to get your hopes up, but it's really not over until you want it to be. Think of the d as a bit of paperwork, that's all it is. It doesn't define your r at all.

First thing I want you to do is connect with you, find you again and be the best person you can be. Leave him be to his crazy behaviour, we can't control them, but we can control us. Good luck honey!

Thank you for this! I so needed this! He is acting like a child and doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility. And he is manipulating me into feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm not. He is. I guess this being the real me and finding myself is scary for me and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Thank you for the pep talk I so appreciate it!

As for your questions. I have great support from friends and family. His family has basically written me off. They do not talk to me or contact me in anyway. My husband gets our daughter every other weekend and on Tuesdays which I don't think she needs to spend the night on Tuesdays but he doesn't agree with me. His mother and sister are now enabling him and drop our daughter off at daycare on Wednesday mornings. He takes her consistently on his scheduled times but I don't think he takes full responsibility for her. His whole family really enables each other and his mom and dad have a very dysfunctional relationship.

[Zanadoo]

What is ONJ??

ONJ forever

[Cherry]

Ugh, sorry that the in laws are a bit of a nightmare. This seems quite common across the board. I guess we really don't know what our spouses have told them. You don't need to be told this, as you sound like a caring mother, but just concentrate on stability, fun and love for her. My h doesn't really spend any time with our S, which is hurtful because he wakes in he night saying "daddy's gone", granted this has calmed a little recently, but I think this is because S doesn't want to go near h anymore. I just see my aim on making sure he feels no shortage of love from his mami. I keep to his routines, and love tucking him up into bed and enjoying those cuddles. It's hurtful when they are dodging their parental responsibilities, but they will truly look back and regret missing these precious years.

With regards to finding yourself again, start small. Do anything that will make you smile and connect a bit more like the old you. It could be a simple as meeting a gal pal for a walk, going for a coffee. I do various things some involving S and taking him somewhere, taking a bit of time for a pamper, or meeting my girl for dinner/shopping/coffee. Absolutely anything!

The new version of you may be a bit of the old you, but even stronger. I find I've changed slightly from the old me- but I think she's even better. I have more life experience now which makes me even stronger and wiser!

Don't listen to him, and pay no mind to him manipulating you. My ex (who I was with just before h), was verbally abussive and sometimes physically. So I know all to well that feeling of being of being blamed for everything, and living in fear of the next thing you'll be shouted at for. Just concentrate on you and your child and leave him be on his crazy train for a while. Keep your side of the street clean, and know you aren't doing anything wrong. If he begins to get angry in a conversation, just say to him that you won't speak to him while he's angry, and you will talk when he's calm and leave it at that

[Zanadoo]

What do I do?

Start to DB

Is it too late?

NO

Should I just file?

NO

I live in our house should I leave?

NO

Should I get something else to drive?

Sorry not sure why you are asking this

I'm so confused.

Perfectly Natural, it will get better as time goes by.

My general advice would be to reread my homework thread
DETACH and STFU

If he wants a divorce let him do the work.

Protect yourself financially.
Do whatever you need to do for this to happen.

Have you ever heard of AA?
Al Anon for spouses of alcoholics.
Look into attending that.

Keep posting

What was the STFU one? SoI shouldn't let him make me feel guilty for living in our house and driving our vehicle?

[ForGump]

ONJ -- sorry, that's just we old farts just having fun, taking up space on your thread. If you google "ONJ music", you'll see. I'm a product of the 80's.

STFU means don't engage him in relationship talk, don't criticize him, don't try to persuade, etc.

He moved out of your house, right? Then I wouldn't feel guilty about using any of the communal property. He chose all this. If he doesn't like it, tell him he's free to move back in.

If he's not interested in seeing his daughter at least 50% of the time, if he's not taking full responsibility while he has her ... he doesn't sound like such a great Dad to me. Sorry.

Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for a very reasonable fee ($0-200). This is a good way for you learn the basics of how a divorce works in your state, and a chance for you to ask lots of questions, so that you know what your rights are.

Be a great Mom. Be a great woman. Be a great person. Be kind but firm. If he still doesn't want you ... you deserve better.

[Zanadoo]

So not this last Saturday but the one prior I agreed to meet with my spouse to talk about the divorce process. I had been holding out for a long time saying that I would not help him in any way and that I wouldn't meet with him to discuss it. I finally caved and said that I would meet and immediately he was nice to me. Before this he always acted as if he was super angry with me whenever he spoke to me or was around me. He said how he was sorry for all of the pain of this and our relationship and that this is hard for him too. But he thinks that in the long run all three of us will be better off. I just told him I would trust his decision and discuss the matter with him. We met last Tuesday and absolutely nothing has been figured out. He said he filled out his paperwork but didn't bring it with him to our meeting. He also just asked me what I wanted in regards to our property. He seriously had nothing figured out and really didn't suggest anything. I was kind and happy and I really made sure that he did the talking not me. I just listened for the most part. He brought up twice how we aren't good for each other and I just agreed with him... I was trying to go with a bit of reverse psychology on him there and to give him no ammo. And then I would quickly redirect the conversation back to talking about a divorce. Anyways...I don't know if I'm just reading into things...I probably am. But he just called the house which he really never does and wanted to talk to our daughter. When I answered the phone he asked me what I was doing and how things were going. Is that a potential bit of progress or am I just grasping for straws? He never calls and never calls just to visit with our daughter. If he had it his way the little bit that we do communicate would be done completely via text message.