The phantom cyclist - journey leg 2

[CT1118]

AndrewP - have not said much to you since we both hit this MLC thread round about the same time. I have been reading, but missed the past few days. I must say, you being a Canadian and all, I am impressed with how well you speak American. Love ya buddy.

Your story about breakfast really thugged the big bass string on my heart. Sunday was also my reg ML day w/ spouse and going out for breakfast. The place we routinely went was a Ma -n- Pa place down the road. I went to take son there for pancakes one morning a few weeks ago and my spouse was there w/OM...in the exact same place we ll used to sit as a family. I saw them thru the window. I was proud of myself as had that occurred a few months ago I would have beat that dude without any representation of compassion, forgiveness, or mercy. This was the first time I saw him in the real world and not just his FB stuff from way back or his truck at her house. My son would have seen it and I would have gone to jail; what a difference a little difference can make. Anyway, I digress.

You had much in your posts, but the last one on crumbs:

W's now been gone from the house 2 months. From what S22 told me earlier this week it seems that she's been reaching out to S22/D24 from time to time recently which didn't happen before - perhaps trying to reconnect with her children?

Cadet once told me that there is an order to the way the WW or MLC leave. I don't recall exact, like You-kids-pets-home-etc. Anyway, he said they come back in reverse order as I recall. So, you are far too wise and educated at this point to see this as a reason to get hopes up, but then again, you are the lighthouse. Actually, are there lighthouses in Ontario? or lights for that matter? US media really only tells Americans about Rob Ford and those cheap pharma's.

How full is that box of crumb's? Time for a new box?

[job]

Andrew and CT,

Here is a thread that I created many years ago on reconnection. It should be helpful to both of you further down the road. You are the first that the MLCer disconnects from and the last for reconnection.

TMAK -- Explanation of Reconnection

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - Thanks for the drive-by. You started this journey later than I did and on a much bumpier road and have made amazing progress. I was reading this morning that your W is trying to connect with you more - that's going to be bumpy and uphill and you'll have to make a fresh road to travel on with guardrails (yes I love bad analogies). I continue to be impressed and hopeful for you.

So, you are far too wise and educated at this point to see this as a reason to get hopes up, but then again, you are the lighthouse. Actually, are there lighthouses in Ontario?
<snip>

How full is that box of crumb's? Time for a new box?

CT1118 - There are quite a number of Imperial light-houses, some of them still in fairly good shape around my area. Only a few of them carry lights any more. W gave me a book on them a number of years ago which I leaf through from time to time. There's a couple within an easy drive of me but I confess that I haven't visited them for some time. If you want a cheap fun vacation and are interested in diving, in Ontario at the top of the Bruce Peninsula is a small town called Tobormory. There are lots of wrecks to dive on in that hazardous water plus there are day tours that go out past the islands and I believe take in a couple of the lights that are up there. From your "city in the south" you could probably get a cheap flight to Buffalo and then rent a car/RV from there for a really long drive through some of the best countryside in the world. Flying into Toronto doesn't really save much time and would cost a lot more.

If you want a break from all the DB and your course-work I highly suggest the book "The Lighthouse Stevensons" by Bella Bathurst. It's a bit hard to find but I quite enjoyed it. Your library may have a copy. The stories of building a lighthouse that stand the test of time (which they have) on a barely exposed rock is a testament to the power of will and determination. Robert Louis Stevenson is one of the offsprings of this family. For something easier there is a BBC documentary on NetFlix called Seven Wonders of the Industrial World where they dramatize and discuss the creation of the Bell Rock lighthouse - still standing and protecting mariners 200 years later. One takeaway from this is that to have a good lighthouse you need a strong foundation to stand on but even weak foundations can be adapted and stand the test of time.

WRT my box of crumbs - it's still a pretty small box. About all it has in it is are some "not" signs:
- She told me on move-out night that she still loves me
- She's not moved in with OM or moved away from the area
- She's not announced that we're separated
- She's left a lot of possessions and hasn't come back for them
- She (appears) to be living a quiet and non-wild life
- In recent times her postings on Facebook have become dramatically fewer with less drama and angst on them (yes, I've started watching again - keeping an eye on myself to know that if I get caught up that I need to drop that again). She's not spending nearly as much time on Facebook/Messenger as she used to. She can go more than a day sometimes without logging in. It used to be constant with her even at work at the height of the A. Oddly OM isn't on Facebook.
- When she left she took her dog with her (she knows I don't like him - might not be relevant) I had offered to keep him but she said it was her responsibility
- She's connecting to S22/D24 from time to time
- She's not severed connection to our finances and still looks at our books from time to time
- I see footprints of her checking my social media profile (Snapchat)
- No spewing / anger
- She knows that I still love her and have not moved on and have not pushed her away.
- She's asking S22 at least how I'm doing.

Putting on my mind-reading turban I would detect that she continues to be depressed, confused and lost. Presuming that her path does lead home my mystic powers tell me that she needs to find it within herself to admit her mistakes and commit to the work needed to rebuild our MR. I honestly don't know if she has it in her to do it although she is one of the strongest, most resilient people I know. She probably has a lot of fear happening too.


job - thanks for the link. I believe I've read it before but one thing I know is that I will often need to read things multiple times, each time getting fresh perspective.


--------------

Since I have this post open - trivial update that J3B asked for in part. The hockey game was fun. Some of those 16 year-olds are full sized men complete with beards and don't mind tossing their bodies around. One poor kid would barely get out on the ice before he would knock someone down and end up in the penalty box. Mind you, he was chasing after them. I can't recall his name off the top of my head. I didn't run into anyone I knew but saw on Facebook later some friends who were there tagging themselves. For $8.25 ($7.00 admission $1.25 for a cup of coffee) it was a fun couple of hours out. I'm sure I'll go again. I was proud of myself too - for those hours I kept my phone in my pocket, enjoyed the game and only rarely wondered what W was up to. I knew positively that she wouldn't have been there with OM because she very much would have been recognized.

I had a bit of a scare last night when I got home though. Before the game I had a tickle in my throat and took a lozenge to ease it. Leaving the game I noticed my neck was very sore and stiff - perhaps the cold. When I got home I felt a bit foggy, took a couple of aspirin and went to bed. A couple of hours later I was bathed in sweat as my fever broke. I then spent over an hour shivering unable to get warm. I was terrified because I didn't know if something serious was wrong, had no-one to ask and didn't know who I could call if I was having an emergency. I did get back to sleep eventually and slept for about 10 hours total. My neck is still a bit stiff and my back which I threw out slightly a week or so ago is hurting a bit more. I think whatever it was has passed. Not sure if I'll be up to cutting the grass today - we'll see how it goes.

Fairly busy house-keeping day today. Laundry, ironing, grass (possibly), flower beds and perhaps cleaning some more of W's stuff out of the bathrooms. While I hope she comes home I do have to acknowledge that she might not. If she chooses to leave then her stuff is easy for her to get. If she chooses to come-back it's just a bit of extra unpacking. For me though it allows me to clean and organize the house for myself.

I also need to do a minor bit of office work and try to get through some homework reading from my IC and the reading that job just pointed out (thanks again).

[CT1118]

job, thanks for the link. Will check out later today, moving on a tight schedule today - only have two hour window - s5 and I have two hours each day which I call "personal space time". We stay in the same place, but both disengage from each other and do our own thing. Plus, I would like him to know that needing your own time is both acceptable and healthy - I was never taught that as a kid.

Andrew P - On the lighthouses, of course you know I was kidding. I do have the Canadian countryside on my top 10 list of places where I could afford a long trip. I will make it one day. I have some close friends who dive, they regularly do the Caribbean, but both swear that Canada is the best. I will check out that Doc, you suggested. If you have an interest, I too live around a bunch of historic Lighthouses - check out the Outer Banks of NC sometime or the Eastern Shore of Virginia/Maryland/Delaware for some good ones.

Speaking of what we have in common, and thank you for the kind words BTW, that box of crumbs you have looks a whole lot like my box of crumbs. Still fascinates me how people from different culture, different countries, different ages and well all have such similar tales to tell. You are doing well too my friend and there is movement in your story as well. But, you know the best progress has been your own.

Take care of that back man. I threw out mine two years ago and it became three dislocated ribs because I did not listen to the rest period my doctor advised.

[job]

Andrew,

I hope you are feeling better soon. Maybe you need to think about postponing some of the "to dos" today and rest your back and your neck.

CT,

Enjoy your time w/your son.

[ericmsant2]

Putting on my mind-reading turban

Just wondering....when you are goint to stop wearing that turban? In my lifetime - maybe?

Hope your back is feeling better.

[AndrewP]

eric - I thought you were on vacation. Thanks for stopping by. The turban is so stylish though .... I used to joke with a Sikh acquaintance when I had long hair and my winter beard that I all I needed was the 5 articles of faith (look it up if you are interested) and I'd probably fit right in - other than not being a true follower of the guru

Completely irrelevant update follows because I like writing.

My back is still bothering me and my neck is still a bit stiff but much better - thanks for asking. Sunday went OK and I did get my chore list done and felt OK at the end of it. BBQ porkchop and roasted potato for dinner (seemed silly to get the BBQ out for just me but what the heck). I then sat down and re-watched the Bell Rock Lighthouse documentary that I had recommended to CT1118. Applying it to the "Lighthouse Story" puts a whole other meaning on it but different lights have different purposes. Some lights mark the entrances to harbours but others like the Bell Rock identify hazards and are warnings. The stronger the storms, the stronger the lighthouse needs to be with a solid foundation was one good take-away perhaps. Before that lighthouse there was an active industry in combing the beaches for the dead and flotsam and jetsam after a storm. Sometimes people who weren't quite dead certainly where before their pockets were searched - a harsh place. Sorry for the side trip - fascinating story to me.

So this morning my alarm went off at 4:45am as usual and I had already been awake for an hour feeling like crap with a high fever and sweats so notified work that I would be off today. Not having a thermometer any more I tried to get back to sleep until when the shops would be open, showered, shaved and put on fresh briefs to go into the local larger centre to get a thermometer. I also popped across the street to the sister store of the one that W works at to pick up some chicken soup. Interesting interaction with one of the staff when she asked me how I was doing and I said "not great". She re-assured me that everything will work out in time to which I held up the 2 cans of soup I was buying and added "and chicken soup". I'm not sure how the wider knowledge of W's departure is affecting her but for me it seems to be a positive thing with a lot of kindness and sympathy from people and less awkwardness from them as time passes. No clue if news of her A is getting wider traction. Gossip and secrets generally aren't shared with the principals in a small town.

When I got home and the first bowl of soup was cooking I took my temperature - 99.5 - high but not too bad. I didn't feel as fevered then though as I did earlier. I spent the day in bed with the cats. They're not usually allowed in but I wanted company. I found myself getting wound up about my sitch - nothing specific just feeling overwhelmed and the same thought patterns kept running through my head so I listened to one of the meditation sessions that my IC had suggested. A bunch of new age hooey if you ask me but it helped a lot to get me to think of other things. My un-listened Bloomberg podcast list then started auto-playing and I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on podcasts to which I was able to give some attention and focus taking my mind off other things. Mid-afternoon temperature was 102.3 so staying home again tomorrow. Wednesday I have my final dentist's appointment of this session so hopefully I'll be fine by then. Three days with no travel - saving lots of money but limiting my human contact.

Since S22/D24 are watching me at my request on the Life360 app I sent them a note that I was home but otherwise kept it quiet. Old AndrewP would have posted something to Facebook but I don't want to pop up too high on W's radar much less show her that I'm currently hurt and vulnerable. I also cancelled my schedule catch-up call with D24 because I felt that the fever made me too fragile. I don't know what it is but when W has dropped the most / worst bombs on me it has been when I am weakened in some way. Not that I really expected anything from her today anyway - still dead silence to me from her and from what I've seen of her own activity she's not talking to hardly anyone right now but that could be completely wrong since I only have a minuscule window on what she's doing which is probably for the best. I do worry about getting caught up again and am prepared to shut that window if I need to.

So - I've had my second bowl of soup, added on an English Muffin with peanut butter to get some protein, taken my blood pressure meds and am heading back to bed for the night. If I'm not ready to sleep I have episodes of "The Shadow" and the "Lux Radio Theatre" that I might listen to - love those old radio plays and I found them for free on the internet years ago. When we were first together W and I would stay up late and listen to Orson Welles as The Third Man but I've never been able to get her interested in that sort of stuff again. I found that too plus his Mercury Theatre and Campbell's Soup Playhouse which I've listened to some years ago. It's amazing the stuff I stopped doing leading up to BD and after.

Have a good night everyone.

[Rose888]

Sorry you are feeling sick. Wishing you a good night of sleep and the end of the fever.

[job]

Andrew,

I hope you feel better soon!

[AndrewP]

Perhaps time for an update that says nothing much to update.

It's been a tough week in some ways mainly because I've been ill. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I believe it to be bronchitis. I had an attack of something similar a few years ago and W took me to the hospital thinking I was having a heart-attack despite the lack of severe chest pain. I'd had something similar for the first time a few years earlier when we were in Havana. W sat with me through the worst of it and I pushed myself to get up and about so that her vacation wouldn't be ruined. Only time and rest will make it heal (sounds familiar). When the high fever hit so did the racing mind going over and over different possible future scenarios and how I would handle them. The tool my IC gave me on our last session was something called "mindfulness". The way I interpreted it was you needed to look at thoughts as not real and just thoughts and find a way to have them move on. I used a mental image of a scrub-brush to wipe them out which would work for a while and then I'd have to do it all over again.

Those vets who come to visit will be pleased because I've actually made a plan 6 months out. My birthdays for the last few years have been disappointing to say the least. 2 years ago W and I were on vacation but at least she remembered to bring me a card. The last one was when she confirmed what she had told me drunk 2 days prior that she was leaving me. I've realized that events like birthdays, Christmas etc aren't actually all that important to W while they are very important to me as times to spend together as a family. So I've decided that for my upcoming birthday in March that I'm going to impose on D24 and her H and go down to Virginia and visit them for a few days and get her to make me a cake. I'll also try to persuade S22 to come along. W can come too if she wants Much better than my original plan of getting blind drunk and crying a lot.

I've also done some thinking about winter, thermostat settings and snow removal and how that may be different with W not here. The tropical vacation that W and I would usually take will be replaced by the visit to D24. We have a bunch of money saved for a vacation - not sure if W is planning / expecting to dip into that to go somewhere with OM. Pre BD1 in the evidence that I have saved are comments from her to a BFF that that had been her plan at that point. I'm bracing myself for that even though that would be 5-6 months away from now and a lot could change in that time. I'm still mulling over in my mind going to the tropics alone for a week or so. Going alone will be much different than going as a couple.

On the W front the complete and absolute silence to me continues. Her Facebook is rather quiet as well although I do find myself getting wrapped up a bit sometimes mind-reading / speculation so I may have to un-follow her again. I have to remind myself that her "likes" may just be random button pushes or aimed at OM or whatever. I typed and erase what details I recall a couple of times of recent activity but they don't really matter. I'll give it another couple of days first "I can give it up anytime - honest "

I have noticed, not sure if it's the illness that I have or what that I'm now only checking Facebook a few times a day again. This is a healthy development. I need to be looking at the real world. My visits to this site are also generally down a bit and my focus at work is better in general although this week has been tough because of the fever. I've been working from home all week and the isolation is difficult.

My mind-reading turban is still on the fritz but the feeling that "somethings up with W" have morphed into a "she's coming home soon" feeling. Probably not true and I certainly can't shape my life around it but that bump of confidence feels good. I try to be honest with myself though and know that this has no rational basis at all. I do feel though from everything I've read and my knowledge of W gained over more than half a lifetime together that the longer she has to sit quiet and "bake" the greater the odds are that she'll think of a looking at the path home. The temptation to "stir the pot" rears up though. Today's grand idea was to post Blake Shelton's song "Austin" to Facebook without comment. I didn't and surprising the temptation wasn't all that high because some of the 2X4 hits are perhaps still making be groggy.

Tomorrow I hope to be up to going to the regional fair that is being held about a 20 minute drive away. I can't say much about it because it would very closely identify my location but it will be nice to wander around and look at the exhibits and demonstrations and I plan to get there early enough to get in before the rush for parking and for the pancake breakfast. I'd hoped to be able to go with SIL2 and my baby nephew and my brother but they went yesterday. It's always weird going to these things alone. W and I so enjoyed going to them together.

I was originally planning on putting up our winter storm windows this weekend but after just washing the windows in the side porch today I felt a bit wiped. It may have to wait for another week. The chore list will be minimal I think and for a change will include no ironing because I didn't go into the office at all this week.