The phantom cyclist - journey leg 2

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Andrew,

Do not forget to POUND the chicken to what...1/4" right?
That part is very important, it tenderizes the chicken. I use a gallon zip lock bag, with a towel and a regular hammer on its side, before I got a tenderizer.

also the cooking sherry is just as vital. If you think you can make this without it, your making normal chicken marsala...and not this recipe from heaven. : )

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I owe Jack and job big time for that perspective.

Pay it forward some day. That's how you give back here. : )

There's a hockey game Saturday night that I might go to but it doesn't start until 8:00pm - makes for a late night for a guy like me.

Old version guy like you, or new version guy like you?

Myself I'm hoping on Sunday you tell me which player spent the most time in the penalty box.

[Spartan]

Sorry if you have talked about this before but something you said made me curious.

Have you read love languages?

What is your love language? How do you show it and how do you receive it?

I usually stay away from asking about spouses because I'm more concerned with trying to help people on the boards but do you know what your W's languages are (giving and receiving)? Did you show her in those ways?

[AndrewP]

Have you read love languages?

What is your love language? How do you show it and how do you receive it?

I usually stay away from asking about spouses because I'm more concerned with trying to help people on the boards but do you know what your W's languages are (giving and receiving)? Did you show her in those ways?

Spartan - Thanks for stopping by.

I read 5 love languages about 3 months ago. At Mach1's suggestion (I think it was him) it's on my bedside table to re-read. I did quickly go through the survey at the back again and it's interesting that a number of my answers have changed since then. The first time around it was "words of affection" and "quality time". My answers then were perhaps distorted by where I was feeling the lack at that time.

Instead of couching my answer (again short question - long answer) in the boundaries of that book I'll write some rambling thoughts.

When we first met I was definitely insecure in a relationship and only having had a few girlfriends previously, a couple of which were serious and one that ended "quite badly" (a similar person to W in hind-sight - a story for another time perhaps?), I would show affection for W through giving her gifts - many of which I couldn't afford as well as taking her out to dinner. We dug to the bottom of my credit card with our forks. I'm not sure if that was her love language at that time but she certainly didn't stop me very often. Over the years I actually got quite good at giving her jewellery that quite suited her and that she liked. The last big thing was a "family" ring in 2014. I always felt that when she got those little boxes that her eyes would get misty and she did seem to cherish those gifts. She certainly took all of them with her when she walked out as well as - at least at that time - wearing the main rings I gave her constantly, even around the house. These were her engagement diamond, wedding band, eternity band on her "ring finger" and her family ring with its 4 stones on her right ring finger. Even when she would be leaving to see OM those rings would be on her hands. No clue if she took them off when she was with him but somehow I doubt it - they are very symbolic to us. Because W despite being heavy is a "petite" person the jewellery I would get her would be "petite" as well. Despite her own belief before she got them reduced about 16 years ago that her breasts were her best features I always felt that it was her hands and her smile.

When for her birthday etc I would offer to give her the entire day to do anything that she wanted the results often surprised me. One year she asked me to weed the garden (which had been her and the kids responsibility). I don't remember what she did that day - I think she went shopping. Other similar "acts of service" were requests on other years. Minor aside - W had a problem early in our MR with "retail therapy". There would be bags hanging off doorknobs with unopened purchases. She (largely) kicked that habit about 15 years ago and kicked it for good when we worked together to get ourselves out of debt. She was very proud of herself for being careful with our money at that point. I used to brag to people that she could squeeze together 2 nickels and get a quarter.

For many years I would get up much earlier than W to head off to work / visit clients. She would always insist that I wake her up, give her a kiss and tell her that I loved her. Not sure where that falls in the love languages world. In recent years when she had so many problems getting a good night's sleep I would try to sneak out to let her sleep but practically never was able to. She also seemed to appreciate casual physical affection. We would hug, hold hands etc. A nice tight squeeze by me would usually be rewarded with a sigh / moan (not that sort of moan). Casual physical affection was common too. She would reach out to touch me often. In the winter time we would curl up together and she would scratch and stroke my winter beard. I would stop and kiss her on the back of the neck while making my breakfast etc. It was very difficult to me when starting about 2 weeks after BD1 when she started flinching when I would do this rather than sighing.

One of the more bizarre stories of this journey was in May when W spent the weekend with OM. She announced this in advance to me (asking if I would look after her dog who was sick at the time - I did). That weekend was sheer h@ll for me as I'm sure you can imagine. The first couple of message aren't handy and I'm too lazy to dig into my backups but here is the exchange. As you can tell I've always historically been the one who tried first to make up.
Pre
A - Please remember that I love you unconditionally and be safe
W - I will

Post
A - 8:00 - The last 24 hours have been the most difficult I have ever had to face. Please know that my strong and deep love for you continues.
A - 11:00 - Are you coming home?
W - 11:06 - Yes
A - 11:09 - When?
W - 12:09 - I'll be home by 5, if that's alright with you.
A - 12:10 - I have no say over your affairs. Do whatever you will.
A - 12:49 - Please remember that I do still love you despite my current upset. You are always welcome in our home. You are also welcome in my arms whenever you are ready.
A - 14:24 - Should I get anything out for Sunday supper?
W - 14:34 - Do you feel like BBQ Sausage? I could do the potato & veg
A - 14:36 - Sure. Great idea. I'll bring a package up.
W - 14:39 - Thank you

Surreal right? Then when she came home she proceeded to make one of the dishes that she absolutely detests - fried onions. Which I enjoy but I suspect she was making "my favourite" along with the BBQ sausages with I had been very keen on about 5 years ago but not so much in recent years. I'd also over-dosed on sausages the night before making myself a "my life is hell" dinner but felt that I shouldn't rebuff her attempts at being nice.

I would "always" tell W the truth and would regularly compliment her on her appearance and accomplishments. Coming down in the morning she would be greeted with "good morning beautiful". On days that she was looking particularly squalid because of a rough night I would only say something like "you look tired today". Breaking wind was laughed at and I would remark "sparkles and rainbows" and we would laugh.

Looking back at the things that made me happy that W would do for me comes up with spending time with me, talking to me, walking and holding hands. If you've read some of my previous posts I did wish that she complimented me. I know that she was proud of me when I would hear her talk about me to others but I rarely heard it from her. It's interesting to me that right now when I'm trying to find stories to illustrate this that I'm having difficulty. I'm sure those stories exist, I just can't find them in my head right now.

Slight side-trip - not sure if this is meaningful or not - but I get to control what I write and you can choose to read or not. After the kids left home W and I would go out almost every Sunday morning for breakfast to a local restaurant. It was odd to me because W would associate this with the Sunday morning love-making and not expect to be taken out for breakfast if she didn't "put out". I only "got it" once a week and only if she was feeling up to it. That had been established in about our first year of marriage. I don't think she knew how much trouble I had with her low desire as I tried very hard to mask it. I worked hard to try to change this attitude where she linked putting out with breakfast out but I don't know how successful I was. I did get annoyed at one point about having to spend a large amount of my weekly pocket money buying her breakfast. We were on a tight budget for a long time. So at one point a couple of years ago I decided to make W breakfast at home instead. Despite Jack's impressions (Hi Jack!) I'm a rather good cook as long as I don't have to make Minute Rice. I got quite upset though because after love-making I would get up to make breakfast. W would stay in bed playing games on her iPad etc until breakfast was ready when she would come down and express appreciation for the breakfast and come up with requests for future breakfasts. I had hoped that she would have visited with me while I bustled around the kitchen. This lasted for about a month before I got fed up with what I felt as being taken advantage of and we started going back out to eat instead.

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On the "lol" note - the widow around the corner called claiming that it was a wrong number and then chatted pleasantly with me for about 5 minutes making sure I knew when she was walking around the village - she's seen me walking. It may well have been a wrong number but she was pretty sure who she was talking to which is funny in a weird way. One of my cousins who has the exact same name as me has a business in the village so "AndrewP" could have been either of us.

[ericmsant2]

How about yourself? I hope you'll take some time for eric this weekend.

That is the plan. Have a week vacation planned unfortunately I’ll be doing a little work while on vaca. Bleh..it is what it is. Thank you for asking.

Hope tells me that perhaps I've turned a corner. History tells me to watch for a swing down again.

1) Listen to HOPE and
2) History is already forgotten…so NEVER listen to History.
Let us know how the hockey game goes.

[job]

Well??? How did the chicken turn out?

[AndrewP]

I've been thinking more and more that my story would be a great candidate to be turned into a romantic comedy. My "adventures in housekeeping" would certainly draw a laugh. My character would be cast as a clueless professer

The chicken turned out pretty well. I may make it again and it is a dead easy dish. Marsala is rather like Madeira which both W and S22 quite like. It's a bit sweet for me but I had a small glass to help with the inspiration.

As an aside that might be helpful for others here who are coping with being alone, for much of the meat I get I've been freezing in individual servings for many years. Chicken breasts are usually cut in half. Breakfast sausages are frozen in twos. Bacon (which I don't eat any more - long story related to W and triggers which doesn't matter) I would lay out in individual strips on cling-wrap and fan-fold it.

So some of the compromises:
- I used too heavy of a hammer to "tenderize" the chicken. I took it down to the shop in the original baggies on a cutting board. I put a board on top and whacked it with one of my heavier hammers. One blow and it was 1/4" thick. Not sure if that's "tenderizing" or not. I only did up 2 chicken breasts and it still made a lot. I did make a full quantity of the coating / sauce.
- I only have whole wheat flour so I used that.
- The mushrooms were canned
- I didn't have pre-ground pepper so I used fresh ground and perhaps a bit less than the recipe called for.
- I had to be creative in finding something to cover the frying pan with. W took the covered one.

Even without a side dish it made a lot of food for one guy. I'd thought of trying Minute Rice but was glad I didn't.

I'm not sure how it was supposed to look / turn out but it ended up being chicken in a sweet mushroom sauce.

I now have lots of Marsala and sherry left over even though I bought the smallest bottles. I'm thinking I might do up a ham sometime and use a bit with that.

Thanks for the recipe Jack. I'm off shortly to do the weekly bank withdrawal then will go into town later to get my groceries and some odds and sods that I need. It's a rainy day here so my main bit of laundry will wait for tomorrow when I can use the clothes line. I got my last hydro bill yesterday and it's down about 15% since W moved out.

[lt0402]

Hey AP, just stopping by to say hello! I've been locked into the newcomer board and been busy as of late but haven't forgotten about you. Sounds like you are getting stronger each day. Jealous of the cooking skills! Will fully catch up with your situation shortly, but as always, you make for some long reading!

Keep being you brother!

[dream]

I'm all caught up. Finally. Well, I did get caught up right when the last thread reached the max... I had to wait for a new one to post!

One thing I've noticed throughout the threads is that you often have a negative comment about your wife. Whether it's her poor cleaning skills, body shape, or lack of communication with you... it's there in many of your posts. I wanted to point this out for you to think about. I have no idea why this is happening, but I wonder if it also happened indirectly around your wife. Perhaps she didn't feel your love or appreciation of her. Like I said, I don't know, but I wanted to toss the idea in your direction to ponder.

I do enjoy hearing about your new adventures and hope you continue to try new things. As I read your stories, it makes me want to share mine. I'm not sure where I should start though.

[AndrewP]

lt0402 - Thanks for the drive-by. Yes - today I feel a lot stronger. I was actually singing along to the radio today, something that I hadn't done in ages. I also laughed and smiled when picking up my roses and it wasn't forced at all.

I'm all caught up. Finally. Well, I did get caught up right when the last thread reached the max... I had to wait for a new one to post!

One thing I've noticed throughout the threads is that you often have a negative comment about your wife. Whether it's her poor cleaning skills, body shape, or lack of communication with you... it's there in many of your posts. I wanted to point this out for you to think about. I have no idea why this is happening, but I wonder if it also happened indirectly around your wife. Perhaps she didn't feel your love or appreciation of her. Like I said, I don't know, but I wanted to toss the idea in your direction to ponder.

I do enjoy hearing about your new adventures and hope you continue to try new things. As I read your stories, it makes me want to share mine. I'm not sure where I should start though.

dream - Darling! I'm so glad you've come to visit me here. I was going to wait for a day or so to post since not a lot is happening but when I saw you were here I couldn't resist. I was re-reading my thread which I will do regularly to get fresh perspective (and strength) from what people have been kind enough to share with me. As you know I always appreciated your calm perspective and kind words. I'm flattered that you spent the time and effort to read what I've written much of which is probably just blather.

Thanks for pointing out the negativity about W in my posts. I honestly can't say why I felt the need to write that. To her and with others I would never say any of those things. I do adore her and think she's beautiful and talented. Her flaws were never a topic of conversation with anyone except one good friend and that pretty much stopped years ago. After BD2 I did talk about her flaws to the SIL army as well to give them context and perspective and to vent. Looking within myself perhaps I'm trying to paint a monster who isn't worth waiting for (?). I know that I've had doubts on a regular basis. Part of it as well was to give context for me questioning why OM went for her and questioning my willingness to keep waiting. I'm going to review what I write more critically and think more about what it is I'm trying to say and why.


If you felt like posting your own story the best suggestion I could make is taken from one of my favourite books.

"Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

Whenever I use this quote though I always point out that many people have a lot of problems with these instructions, myself included. I find that for me writing is helping with the healing process especially lately here where there have been such patient and kind folks.

------------

Minor update

I wrote my monthly email letter to S22/D24 today. Even though I now also call them regularly I keep writing too. They say that they like getting my letters. Most of it was just general news, adventures in housekeeping, the fact that I threw my back out slightly, details of my canoe trip etc. I did tell them that I'm feeling better and that this forum and the IC have been helping. I have asked them to not come looking for me here and I don't believe that they have. I did put a couple of paragraphs in the bottom talking about W in general terms (I don't know if they know about OM and am assuming not). I did tell them that I was still waiting for her to come home, that I loved her unconditionally and that I would welcome her home. I did say as well that I hadn't heard anything essentially from her since she left and that I was still leaving her alone other than mentioning the letter I sent to her asking her to come home at the end of August. Before I sent it I re-read the August letter I had sent them. Boy I was an absolute mess then - much worse than now. Most of it was about W and how I was lost, confused and worried.

I'm just about to make myself some dinner. A simpler one than last night that doesn't involve cooking sherry since I'm going to head out to a hockey game for 8:00. Trying something new(ish) for me and something that W may well enjoy. She'd talked about it from time to time starting a couple of months before the A and even though I would suggest we go we never did possibly because she didn't think I would enjoy it. I suspect that since OM was interested in it that it piqued her own interest as they grew closer. This is going to be one GAL though that I'm keeping quiet - I don't want her to think that I'm doing this for her. It's Junior hockey - 16 year olds I believe so the action should be fast as those kids pour their hearts out into the game.

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One thing I've been thinking about in recent days is the whole "re-writing of history" thing that the MLC is supposed to do and I think a light went off. I'd written before that I didn't think that had happened in my sitch. I remember clearly on New Years Eve W being affectionate, proud of being faithful (not sure why that came up but she would mention it occasionally for years) and I felt at that time secure in the MR. Shortly after BD1 she said then that she had decided in the summer to leave but so much time after that was filled with happy loving memories for me that it confused me. I'm thinking that is one of her "re-writes" - not that it matters but it gives me a better perspective that even though this has been brewing for quite a while it (perhaps) wasn't as pre-meditated as I originally believed.

A fresh crumb of hope that I've baked for myself has come to mind in the last week or so as well. I have no idea if this is a valid crumb or not and was originally going to ask the MLC vets here about it but the answer perhaps doesn't matter. Part of why I was re-reading my threads today was to get a fresh perspective on the question / thought. W's now been gone from the house 2 months. From what S22 told me earlier this week it seems that she's been reaching out to S22/D24 from time to time recently which didn't happen before - perhaps trying to reconnect with her children? I hope so. Where my crumb comes from is in something that I've read in a few places where the MLC needs to be left alone to "bake". She's modestly done the "wild living" thing, had an A, planned to move out and live independently and then seemed to crash on BD2.1 after I begged her to reconcile. She's had to face some very hard realities as well. Even though I miss her, I'm hoping that the longer she takes to bake that the better the result will be and the more likely she'll remember me and decide to come home rather than go off to new adventures with OM or alone or on a different path all together. No clue if this is true or not but I'll put this crumb in the box with the others.