I met with my therapist yesterday and we really clicked. I hope that she will help me to make some progress with my self esteem -- which she said was extremely low. I keep blaming myself only for what is happening (which i know i shouldn't) but I just do.
I really need to take some time for some deep self reflection and try to remember that at one time I really liked myself. I have good and bad qualities and should not beat myself up all the time.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
How do you get through the bad times? Is my husband really suffering from a MLC or was the marriage really that bad and Am I just searching for an excuse? Is this a MLC or was I just so bad that he had to run away from me and our daughter? My thoughts are driving me crazy ...
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Here's the thing, if you or the marriage were so bad, he wouldn't have stayed as long as he did. The two of you created a daughter today and shared many good memories together.
You are in the early stages of his crisis and you are trying to find answers, but the answers aren't for you to discover. He needs to find the answers to his unhappiness and accept that he can't go back in time and change the way his life played out at the time he was emotionally stunted. He can visit that time, face those demons, accept that he wasn't at fault for the way he was treated and begin to grow up. None of this is on you. It is all on him and the authority figure (mom, dad or someone else).
How do you get thru the bad times? Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it. Find things to keep your mind busy. I did hundreds of jigsaw puzzles in the beginning, as well as becoming a workaholic. When I began to settle down, I started walking and doing fun things again. I came to this forum a month after my xh walked the second time in 7 months and have been here ever since. Why? Because I want to learn as much as I can about MLC, depression, etc. When I first came here, I read every book, met with people who were in crisis or finished up their crisis and visited w/people in shelters to better understand abuse. That's how I got through the tough times.
Amy, you have to decide how you want to deal w/your tough times. Use your time wisely, but have some fun in the process. Just because he's out to lunch, doesn't mean you have to be too. Once you are feeling better, you'll be able to do some things such as take up a hobby, join a social group, etc.
I promise you, it will get better....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey, Amy. I'm sorry you had a bad night. Its part of this unwanted surprise package of MLC.
I think we all question whether our S is truly in MLC or if we just were in lala land about our marriages. But really, when you think about it...he not only left you in your time of need, but also his own daughter. Something is not right in his head, whether its MLC brought on by depression and stress, or a miserable marriage. If you can't come up with evidence of a relationship that could never function, I'd go with the former. The thing is, whatever the reason, you still DB if you choose to hang in. You just understand that if its a MLC, it will probably be a longer, crazier ride. Its all your decision. I'm still DBing even though we will be D soon. Not putting my life on hold, not hanging on to every little crumb, but just not shutting the door and walking away. Its your decision and no one else's.
You still have a connection to him through your daughter. Let him see you gorgeous and confident each time. Make eye contact and smile when you see him. Don't volunteer info about yourself or ask anything about him, not even "how are you?" Instead, try "hope you are well". If he talks, take time to listen (actively). Its all in Sandi's rules.
This man fell in love with you and had a child. On top of the normal ups and downs and stresses of marriage and fatherhood, he recently had to find out that he couldn't protect you from everything out there in the world. Part of being your H is feeling responsible for you, and being your protector. I'm sure in some way he feels like he has failed. That's pretty scary, to suddenly realize that things happen to people and he can't do a thing about it (as you well know). So what does he do? Feel shame for his inability to protect and run away so he doesn't have to be responsible for anyone but himself. And then feel shame for leaving. Confusion, stress, shame cycle, anger projected on to others, inability to handle the pain of those you care about, selfishness, depression...voila! MLC.
Its hard as heck. You'll question everything a million times. But really, all that matters is this: what do you want and are you willing to hang tough and DB for it? Because you're going to have to wade through the stinky muck and still somehow find the strength to force yourself to smile, look like you're a serene, confident glowing goddess and move on with a happy life while he works out his issues. And he may never do it. But you have a child together, so at least he can watch you being a rockstar. If he doesn't miss and want that, then he isn't worth your time. Your call, not his.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Amy i'm sorry you had a rough night. Right now just breathe and focus on you and your D. It gets better i promise. You know what i did? as lame as it sounds...i drove..windows down music blaring and i cursed like a sailor at the top of my lungs..My sister and i would play the blame everything on me game..rained..my fault ...light turned red ..my fault...anything and everything was my fault.. It was silly but it helped..............
Breathe ..take a long hot bath..candles..pamper you...right now it is just you..the problems in the marriage can be tackled another day. Focus on you.
I officially blocked him on social media, just transferred the cell phone billing to him (so i can no longer look), and told him to get car insurance by October 1. I have to see him on Monday and I will be giving him all his sign in passwords for the bills he will have and soon we will be financially separate. Fingers crossed he will honor his promise to pay what he said he would -- child support and health insurance. That with his Corvette car note will make his upcoming living fun!
I plan on standing -- but I can't so close to him. I am officially following the rules now and he is on his own. I love him so much but I can no longer try to help him. His craziness is making me miserable. I truly hope that he does find whatever he needs to be happy ...
Tfish -- love the blame game. I might start that.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
And what you say about his craziness making you miserable? As I began to let my h go I began to see that it is actually waayyyy harder/more work and more painful to hold on to this mess.
As others have already pointed out, there is no one way to get through the pain. However, in my opinion, it's best to find some ways or getting the stress and anger out so that you are really tired by the end of the day. This way you are sleeping reasonably well and you're in a better cycle for the next day.
You are doing really well!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Something that has helped me in the past is what psychologists term 'Sublimation'. It's a healthier and more productive defense mechanism than just venting or taking your anger out on the person who provoked it. In a way, I think this is what tfish08 was doing with the blame game.
I tend to use the gym or sport as a way of redirecting bad/ill feeling regarding my W & OM. Creating art, music or writing are other ways to sublimate during those darker times.
Do you have a hobby to channel yourself into, perhaps something you used to do and could pickup again? Or, find something new via your GAL actions.
Wishing you better days ahead.
Me 50, ExW 49 T21, M13+ S15, S13 BD #1: 25-Jan-2016 (EA confirmed & ILYBINILWY) Sept-2016 Mediated Sep. starts Oct-2016 W petitions for D Jan-2017 R w OM admitted/confirmed Jun-2018 D'd
That sounds like a wonderful idea. I have been waiting to take up kickboxing with a friend -- but concerned since I had a thoractomy last summer. I have been journaling and writing my H letters that I do not send.
My H came over today and we sat and talked about finances. He recently got a bonus and we paid off several cards that were in my name only. He did state he was still working through issues and is now waiting to file. Before he stated he was filing asap.
I was dressed very nice for a Sunday afternoon at home and listened and was agreeable. I noticed he actually made eye contact more and then decided to take our D to the mall to make up for canceling on her last week. The LBS diet is really starting to show -- plus I recently pampered myself with a mani/pedi and a new hair style.
A friend of mine suggested I treat him as an addict. Be strong and loving -- but never take anything at face value. That is what I thought of the whole time he was here. This is my H -- but right now he is not in control of his actions. He is just looking for his next fix or how to make himself feel better.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
