KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[KGirl]

New thread!

@Maybell - I knew XBF knew nothing about relationships and yet I still put a lot of faith and trust in him that he'd be able to figure it out and come through.. hmm... I wonder why that is. I guess I did learn some things from XH as I think about it. I learned about the dangers of over/underresponsibility, and of sweeping things under the rug and not paying attention to patterns as they arise. I guess I'm just frustrated because it seems harder to meet people now, especially at this awkward age (where not many people are divorced yet, and people that have been single/not married yet tend to be so.. for a reason).

So what would it look like when my cupcake is all baked? How would I know when it is time? I honestly am not sure so it's not just a rhetorical question.

[Maybell]

K, for me it was when I honestly started enjoying my life in a really healthy way and had accumulated things I was willing to enjoy even when I did them by myself. When I found my sprinkles and he didn't want to do all the things I wanted to, I still enjoyed them even when I went out to do them without him.

When you have found your bliss without a fella, then you can check your cupcake for doneness.

[Mozza]

I'd venture to say that once you truly internalize that XBF was not a catch, then you'll be in a much better place to meet someone who will make you happy. I'm not sure you know how to spoil yourself yet. It will greatly enrich your life once you do the things that make you really, really happy. It will make you attractive too and to the right kind of person.

Maybe you starting point could be: "I will not meet someone in the foreseeable future, what now?" and see what happens...

[KGirl]

Thanks for your thoughts, y'all. I *feel* like I am happy to do things on my own and don't need someone to do them with.. like I don't really have a problem going out and visiting a park or going to a movie or whatever. It's more like, when I'm sitting at home or at work and something comes to mind and my thought is to reach for the phone and text XBF.. then I remember that's not a thing and get sad. It's moreso that I miss him re: the little day to day things and just knowing there is someone out there that you can count on even if they're not physically present with you at that time. I wonder (/wish?) when that will stop happening. I hope it doesn't take as long as it did to get over XH, that's for sure. I think it took a little over a year before I finally stopped missing XH and thinking about him on a daily basis. I have no desire to text that guy anything or wonder what he's doing.. I just want to get to that point with XBF. It's been almost 3 months since the breakup.

Mozza - yeah, I'm not doing so well with that. Despite some of his behavior (the mixed messages, couldn't hang out with me because he wanted to do laundry, etc.) it's easy to blame it on the timing or me wanting too much, than him being a bad fit. And then I keep wishing he'll come back and maybe this time I can make it different...

Online dating has proven to be extremely frustrating anyway right now. You need a thick skin to begin with and I certainly don't right now. I had gotten up the courage to finally message a bunch of guys I had been eyeing up/bookmarked, and none of them answered me. And instead I get messages from people that I have absolutely zero interest in. Ugh.

[JksD]

Kgirl, I hear you on the online dating part. It gets old and pretty discouraging at times but I try to be solution-focused.

I realised that I may just have to focus my attentions to niche groups like single parent groups.

[Ginger1]

There was only me in my Spin class yesterday, so the instructor took the bike next to me, and we just talked the whole time. She is 57 and divorced and we began talking about dating after divorce, commitmentphobes, and the whole online dating world. It's a very rough sea for online dating, I am finally particularly at our age (I'm a little older than you, but still in my 30's) It takes persistence, and you really have to be at a very open place to do it. I know I'm not, because I am still not healed form the last R.

JksD has a good point. Single parent groups, meetup groups, I think they fare better for dating and having some fun. Meeting people with the same interests in person is much more "real" to me.

[Mozza]

Online dating has proven to be extremely frustrating anyway right now. You need a thick skin to begin with and I certainly don't right now. I had gotten up the courage to finally message a bunch of guys I had been eyeing up/bookmarked, and none of them answered me. And instead I get messages from people that I have absolutely zero interest in. Ugh.

You're right about the thick skin. Reading Models helped me a lot to deal with rejection. It is presented as an early escape from a bad situation. But anyway, a big congratulations for emailing the guys that you had bookmarked! Way to go!

So, what's up?

[labug]

Hey K,sounds like you're in a good place. Keep moving forward.

Bug

[KGirl]

Hi all,

Just checking in. It's been awhile. Was inspired to come back here because an old friend from elementary/middle school popped back up into my life due to that all-too-familiar story. Her husband of a few years pulled a "I just don't think I love you anymore, I don't want to be married, I held back all my feelings and now I have none left, etc. etc." while secretly texting thousands of messages to a "good friend." She is in the angry phase and has moved halfway back across the country to be closer to her family and hometown. Looked through my thread to try and find some inspiring quotes/words of wisdom... holy s**t does that all seem so long ago! Like a different lifetime. I'm glad I have all of the advice from here to fall back on.

I didn't really have much luck with the online dating thing.. went on a lot of dates, none of them went anywhere, but they did make good fodder for an online dating blog that got rave reviews from my FB friends Then a few weeks ago, a friend from my hometown asked me if I might like to be introduced to someone she knew from work who she thought might be a good fit. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks and the difference is amazing compared to XBF. He messages me throughout the day, asks me questions about things (like what I'm up to or what I'm doing that day, apparently those sorts of questions are NORMAL!), and I don't feel afraid to share what I'm thinking of him and vice-versa. It really made me see how closed off and unavailable XBF was, and how I probably was too at the time because I wanted to stay "safe", so that's what I attracted. So, one day at a time. We'll see how things go. I'm excited

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update! I'm glad you're putting yourself out there. It sounds like you have a bit of a "rebound" experience with this New Guy, as you greatly enjoy the ways in which he's the opposite of the previous one! Anyway, it's only normal to find someone who is available and, even if it were rare, it would be even more "normal" to find someone that matches your expectations. Good luck!