Maybell 40

[Maybell]

I feel like I should check in. Just because.

My Guy and I had it out last week. He had done something that was just outright ridiculous and I spelled out for him in very clear terms the consequences of adhering to that choice. Then I spent two days crying and he did what I asked of him. Then we had the big argument.

It was not a fight like any I've ever had. Every other fight I've ever had both sides get entrenched in their position, walk off to cool down, and then either one caves or the two parties agree to disagree.

In this one, he opened with a completely indisputable complaint. He stated it angrily but clearly and he was 100% right and I said so immediately. But then I had my say... And so it went. Back and forth until we had cleared the air and all was well.

There are some things on which we will always agree to disagree. We are not the same person -- not by a long shot. We did come to agreement about how to handle those disagreements, though. The biggest trick for me will be to have confidence that he's going to abide by the ground rules we agreed to. The second biggest trick will be for me to monitor myself and make sure I adhere to them on my side.

I also thought, all things considered, that I had sacrificed too much of my time to him. I am working to be more detached so that we each have our own life as well as the part of our life we're trying to create together. So I accepted a couple of invitations I had been putting off and I let him know that was my plan. I think it had a good effect, at least for the last two days. We've been in better quality contact this week than we were before. So loosening my death grip is actually resulting in me getting more of the relationship I wanted. I fear losing him less. I hope that lasts longer than a couple of weeks.

D13 wrote an essay for school about our divorce and although she expresses a lot of sadness and anger, she also says things are better now than they used to be, that she's proud of me and her brothers for pulling ourselves together (I hope she includes herself in that, but she seems to be doing better), and how much she likes My Guy. That made me happy.

D13 also found a box of framed photos and was showing them to me and My Guy one evening when she found a collage from my wedding and honeymoon. She was kind of embarrassed and said "Oh, I guess you don't want this anymore" and handed it over to put in the stack. My Guy looked at it very carefully -- just as I did when I saw a picture of him at his wedding. He looked so happy in that picture, and I loved seeing it. It made me happy to see him looking so happy (even though he was marrying somebody else!!!) I wonder if he saw the same thing in my pictures. Because I was so happy on that day.

This evening S10 was having a really hard time clearing up his room. I told S10 that he could have the collage of me and his dad if he cleared up enough to make a space for it. His room looks a hundred times better and he was very relieved to get it. I feel guilty for not having offered it to him sooner. I don't know why I don't think of these things before a crisis hits.

This thing called life is so interesting. We mess up and try again. Or we don't try again and we stay miserable. This divorce is something I never, ever wanted and wasn't sure I would survive, but every single thing about my life is better because of it (except the amount of sleep and exercise I get!!). I am so fortunate.

[Maybell]

I think I've said before that my kids are close with Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend's three younger kids. D13 is in several classes at school with The Fantastic Girlfriend's middle child. So Mr. Fantastic is out of town this week, missed his weekly one-on-one with whoever's turn it was, and will be missing an important kid event this weekend (my weekend with them but one neither of us ever misses regardless who the kids are staying with). But last night when D13 was snapchatting with FGF's son, she realized he was at her dad's house. Do I bring this up to her dad? She was startled and kind of hurt and definitely didn't understand what he was doing there. But she is OPPOSED to making waves. I didn't know how to handle it in the moment and I wish Mr. Fantastic would just clarify the situation for everybody so these moments didn't happen. He & the FGF have been together about a year now.

What to do?

[DonH]

Checking in on my favorite couple of people here and like it or nit, you're on that list! I'm almost afraid to read what happened with NG this weekend. First off, am I reading correctly in that you've had struggles the last three weekends? Is that the case or are you simply referring back to the previous "dust up" as you put it? It would seem that ever since the ILY there have been struggles. Correct? Or not? First you were going to have to end things if you said it and he didn't. Then something else happened the weekend after and you thought about ending it again. Then last weekend NG did something else that was a deal breaker and you were ready to end it yet again but he did whatever was needed to smooth things over - at least until the next time.

So here we are at another weekend and I can't help but wonder, will you go four for four? first if I've misunderstood, then that's great and just tell me. If not, and I've followed along correctly, good Lord Maybell what in the heck is going on? Why are you so afraid that you have one foot out the door at all times? Why are you testing him like this? And that's really what it seems like - testing how much he will take, due to this total deep down fear that you are scared you are going to get hurt and can't take that feeling so you want to be the one who ends it if anyone does. Is that it?

You really have said nothing that I can see that puts up red flags about this guy. So why the fear then? Or is there more you are not telling us? Even these spats, you don't provide details. That is must certainly your choice and you have to decide if you share these private things or not. I just wonder if you shared the details it would not show much bad on his part but may reveal you to not be deciding things rationally? Again, just a thought.

I so hope you had a nicer, calmer weekend but want to hear either way. Take some deep breaths. Relax a bit. No rush here. Just take it all day by day and you really will be able to handle what comes. Don't force anything. Just let it happen. If I've learned anything, it's really hard to find someone, so don't screw up a good thing out of fear. You don't have to get him (end it) before he gets you.

I'm really hoping for the best for you. I'm even more hoping you'll just allow the best to happen.

[Maybell]

Hey, Don!

No fighting this weekend -- it was LOVELY. My Guy is LOVELY. He had kind of bugged out on some things he said he was going to do four times in two weeks, which is what all the arguing was about.

The fight shifted something on both sides, I think. I let go a bit and he stepped up a bit and between us I think it's become something more grounded than it was before.

The argument last weekend was enormously helpful. He said what he had to say about me, and he was right. I said what I had to say about him and I was right too. We opened up to one another in some really personal ways after we sorted that all out and then it was like we relaxed into each other. Things are different now.

Saying ILY did open some cans of worms for sure on his side which made me twitchy. My S8 has also been asking My Guy a few questions that made My Guy worry he was making a commitment to the kids that he didn't know if he'd be able to honor, which brought up some FOO issues for him. Well, he seems to have gotten his head around those, because how this weekend went, he made it pretty clear that he's OK with committing.

We had so much fun. Just family type fun, but still... He's the best thing to ever happen to me.

On my side... You weren't around for my original sad tale of BD, Don, but basically I executed a cross-country move for my ex, and while we were separated (before I moved East) he initiated the affair that ultimately was the tipping point in ending our marriage. I found that out just a few months after I arrived on the east coast, when I had no friends to speak of or family within 600 miles. I found it out when his AP's baby daddy sent me screen shots of their text conversations, which were very, very explicit. While I was going through all that, before I told anyone what was going on (because Mr. Fantastic promised we'd go to counseling and make everything all right), my parents announced they were moving out of driving distance of me, and when I said I wished they wouldn't my mother said "Why should you care?" When I finally told them what was going on they berated me for being too emotional for Mr. Fantastic's comfort. Then Mr. Fantastic announced "this isn't what I want," but then... He didn't leave. I finally had to throw him out -- be the strong one to take a necessary and inevitable action that I never wanted. I feel now like he didn't want to walk away from the unpaid housekeeper who made his life so cushy. All this within one year.

So, yeah, I've got some abandonment issues. Which played out in ugly ways for My Guy. He is much more skilled at relationship issues than I am. Fortunately for me.

Next weekend I don't have the kids but I do have a couple of non-couple activities planned that will take me away from him some of the time. I think it was necessary to do that -- I had given up way too much of my life outside of kids and work for him and it kept me from having good perspective. This should keep the drama down and help us have more evenness in the time we spend together.

How is that for an update?

[Maybell]

Need some parenting advice -- Mr. Fantastic is not making sure the homework gets done anymore. This isn't so much an issue for D13 and S10 who are doing all right at the moment, but S8's teacher has sent 4 emails in the last two weeks talking about dropped balls. A little of this has been my fault and we've corrected, but the most recent one was because S8 stayed with him and they went to the fair. I checked in with the teacher to see if Mr. F had replied and she said he hadn't responded to any of the four messages she'd sent.

My little S8 is a smart cookie and the family expectation is straight A's or ask for help. I'm OK with less than an A if effort has been made. I'm not OK with lying about homework assignments, dodging, and not doing his best. So I'm working on parenting that part out.

Mr. Fantastic has checked out of the parenting thing except for the occasional rant to me (three recent ones about one of S10's activities), or half-hearted suggestion. He is starting to show that if it isn't his weekend with the kids, he doesn't really care what happens.

I acknowledge this, and except for the pain it causes the kids, I'm OK with it. His values and mine are so different that I have no desire to try to accommodate his -- he believes things like, it's OK to accept underage drinking as long as the kids are in someone's home and not driving. This is NOT acceptable to me. Our values don't match and I don't want them to match and I don't want to parent to his values which I do not think promote quality adult behavior.

That said, I do need to keep S8 on a good road with regards to his schoolwork, whether he's with me or his dad. Any thoughts on how to achieve this without involving Mr. Fantastic?

[Ginger1]

I have some suggestions that worked for me, hopefully they will help.

I am lucky because my ex just does what I tell him regarding that stuff. He's not too into the "real" parenting, so if I tell him to make sure something is done, he will, as look as he has instructions and direction.

I decided to make my D9 responsible for herself. Maybe a big task for a 9 year old. If she doesn't do the work she needs to at her dad's, it's never her dad I make accountable, I make her accountable. She has a planner, she knows what needs to get done, and if she doesn't do it, I find out. And she gets consequences. Even if I am the enforcer, but the lack of responsibility happens at her dad's.

I would maybe sit down with S8 and explain to him his education is very important and you count on him to be responsible to get his work done and handed in no matter which house he is at. If he knows he is going to a fair, it is his responsibility to make sure his homework is done before he goes.

I know you are trying to handle this without getting Mr. F involved, but perhaps when the teacher reaches out, he should be involved. In a non-threatening open-ended manner, of course. Focusing on your S. Let him know it's great they do things together and enjoy their time together but ask if it's possible to find a time for the work to get done so his teacher is no longer concerned.

My D9 is a tough cookie but also very bright. And a little scatter brained. I expect A's and B's of her because that is her potential. I always get the comment from the teacher "D9 could easily be a straight A student if she stays on task and stops socializing so much" I find knowing that it is HER responsibility and there is no one else to blame but her when she doesn't get anything done motivates her. Especially when there is reward for doing good, or consequence for not.

My ex often rants too about activities and schedules. Which is funny, because I handle it pretty much all. My D9 knows it to.

One last suggestion: Does your D8 have a way to call you or facetime you? Because if my D needs to do something on her dad time, I do call her directly and remind her. I don't know if your ex will see that as an imposition on his time, but if he checked out of the parenting, he may not care.

I knows it's rough being the sole one handling the actual responsibilities. ANd bless you for doing it with 3 kids. One is tough enough for me.

[Maybell]

Thank you Ginger, I had that exact conversation with my little guy. It will take some monitoring but he's got to be in charge of himself. Dimwit dad or no, it would be time for him to be responsible either way.

D13 had a big achievement recognized this weekend and Mr. Fantastic with his FGF, I with My Guy, and all the kids (my boys and FGF's three youngest) went to celebrate for her. It was nice for her to have such a big crew there cheering her on but it was hard on me.

After we left My Guy asked about it. I struggle so much with the fact that I'm GOOD with the divorce and happy with where I am now, but still SO full of anger and hurt from how Mr. Fantastic treated me, during the marriage and since then. It is confusing to be happy with My Guy and hurting over the ex at the same time. When will that stop being so raw?

My Guy said, too, that his goal was to get things where he could see Mr. Fantastic or the FGF in the street and greet them without it being awkward. He's OK -- he said several times he looked at them and found them staring at him, and then they'd quickly look away. No one greeted one another. I did my best to ignore them, and My Guy just watched for cues on how to act. His wanting to be friendly with them upset me. Unreasonably. I know it's petty and bitter but it's true, as I told him, that if every single person I knew could greet Mr. F with a glare of contempt then I would be satisfied. I'm not proud of feeling that way but I can't hear his name without thinking of another way that he hurt me. Things bubble up constantly -- the lies he told while we were separated, his Tinder profile, his blatant reaching to the OW while I was sitting there saying, DO NOT REACH OUT TO HER (and he reported back to me what she was saying in real time - it was so ridiculous). The way I would watch his phone light up while we were having sex and see messages from her pop up. She only did it to get a job but all together it's a crater straight to the most hurt part of my heart, and while I'm working to fill it back in, it's been a long process.

When will that part end?

Other than the above, things with My Guy were very, very smooth this weekend. Something has clicked for me and we've relaxed into things a little more. It will be interesting to see where that goes.

[SunnyB]

MB, I'm so glad you and MyGuy have settled into something smooth. It's nice to see two people work on a relationship.

Sometimes it hurts me that people I know still seem charmed by Mr P, especially people at the church that know he was leading the worship service while he was cheating on me. And they go anyway. Even people I considered pretty good friends didn't take a stand on my behalf. I feel a little betrayed by them too, sometimes.

Something Betsey said one time was eye opening. She said she was talking to someone, a neighbor maybe, and her D came up, and she teared up, after all those years. That made me think that I may never be completely over the hurt, but that it's ok. Because Betsey didn't say she broke down and ran off crying. Things will ease for you, MB, time is a great healer. Just don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get to the place MyGuy wants. He has a different relationship with his X than you do with Mr. Fantastic, he doesn't understand where you are coming from. So his viewpoint is valid, and so is yours. See where time takes you both.

[Underdog]

Hola, ladies. I've been on a break but I'm back. Lucky you!

Maybell, Sunny addressed the hurt part. And yes, it's true. I think the tears come when I'm not feeling well or having a vulnerable moment. It's like bringing up someone who has died in a moment that takes you off guard? I can't help it. It's not like it didn't happen and wasn't important to me?

Anyway, my Aries friend, much of your journey does resonate with me. I think it's time to go deep to address the stuff that still has you so raw. I have a recommendation that I might have mentioned before. Well, the material has been updated and given a new name. It's called Transforming Anger into Forgiveness. Google it. The audio set is $35 and worth every penny. In fact, you can't get IC that gives you so much.

You don't have to be Catholic to get something out of it. He's not a preachy person. He approaches the material from the perspective of being a human being raised in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family. The entire discussion ROCKED.MY.WORLD. I cried buckets while listening to it because it resonated with me. I really, really think it would benefit you to listen.

For the record, when my D22 was about 16 and ready for the message, we listened to it in the car on our way to and from volleyball matches. Yes, I knew where she was stuck, but she had to figure it out on her own, and this was a great way for her to honestly feel comfortable with the message. After that, I sent it to my sister (who is not a practicing Catholic), and she was equally moved and affected by the message. LOL, she's another Aries and super stubborn.

BTW, the forgiveness part will probably surprise you - because I'm not recommending this to you so that you can forgive your XH. You have some unique hurts that have been a burden, and I honestly believe you will be relieved to let some of those emotions out.

The entire CD set is about 2-3 hours, but you don't have to do it in one sitting. Hell, I didn't. I could only handle one at a time and then I needed to process how I felt. I promise you and anyone else who is interested that this is the best investment I've ever made. I'm feeling a little resentment toward a certain someone right now, and it would probably help me to dig them out and have another listen to the message.

You're worth the effort, Maybell.

Hugs,
Betsey

[Maybell]

Betsey, I'll admit that for a few days I was chewing on your message thinking "No, I don't want to forgive him! He's a jerk and he keeps on dishing out hurt and I'm never going to get over it!"

But then he dished a big hurt to my D13 and I was so angry my teeth were chattering. And I sent him a very restrained message that he needed to STOP NOW, and then I let D13 know that what he was doing was self-serving and manipulative. Because I wanted her to not be gas-lighted. And then I withdrew from the issue.

And now I see that my strength wasn't in being angry at the past. It was in being able to see what his behavior was and how it was impacted my precious girl and in having the restraint to not unleash a tirade but to get straight to the point.

So, ok. Maybe it's time to dig deep on that stuff so I have the strength to be effective.