Well survived my first week back at work but yesterday was difficult. I mentioned that h has moved again. This weekend he has the kids and I dropped the kids off at his new place so I knew where they were.
Traffic and everything meant he was still about 40 minutes away , not that much nearer. But it upset me so much once I'd dropped them and cried all the way home in the car. I could see through the window into the living room and pics of ow daughter all up on the wall.
When my eldest son hugged me I had to say I was sorry for this.
It's upset me that my kids have to be dragged up and down the motorway every other weekend because h has done this. And again it made me cry because all I could think is ' is this what is making you happy' ...I'm beginning to hate him.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday. It must have been hard to go to their new place like that. I can understand you feeling upset...hopefully the first time will be the worst and you will feel a little better each time you go.
As for starting to hate your H...the way I think about it is I would truly rather be me than him. I don't think the MLCer has it easy by any means. Firstly (given the place they are in) they don't tend to attract grounded, mature and sensible OPs - people like that would tend to give them a wide berth. So, they end up living in pretty poor R's with partners who struggle to manage their own issues etc. Also, they face censure for being the one to break up their families too - plus they are struggling with their own depression, a feature that runs throughout MLC.
For XH, I try to take a compassionate view. I can see that he must have felt in an unhappy place to drop such a bomb on his life and his M. Yes I was hurt in that process (and that's for me to deal with) but it is also sad that he became so unhappy. I don't think I was the central cause of his unhappiness and I don't think he took constructive steps to deal with his own unhappiness either - but that's all on him. I do try to remember that our feelings for each other were real and that we had some happy times too and I do value those. I try not to think of our M as a mistake - just that it was part of my journey..
I guess in time the emotions settle and we can get to a more balanced view of our situation. In that, we hopefully learn a lot about ourselves and what we want too. For me, it has really helped to understand what happens for people during MLC and see that our story is pretty similar to that of others.
The main thing is to work towards peace and happiness in our own lives - whatever choice the MLCer may make - but it does take time to reach that point.
Hope you have a better weekend Mia xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto, I only dropped the kids off as it was their first time. I won't be doing it again. H does the pickups and drop offs.
It hurt because the kids are hurt. I accept that he was depressed ( although he denies it) but to do what he's done is inexplicable. The way he has moved on from me and the kids so quickly with this ow and child is hard to take.
The kids say he is not happy. I don't know whether it is wishful thinking on their part.
"to do what he's done is inexplicable. The way he has moved on from me and the kids so quickly with this ow and child is hard to take."
Yes I know, it's pretty tough for sure....but not inexplicable...in terms of MLC his actions are pretty typical. He will give every impression of having moved on and at the moment, any fond thoughts of you and of 'old' family life are firmly stuffed away in a box. However, there can often be some regret (and possible desire to return) in time - and plenty of it.
Ultimately, it's up to you as to whether you would want to consider a possible R - but for now, try and focus on getting yourself to the best place possible.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well I know you say don't focus on ow but just a snippet of info I found from youngest son. Ow birthday this weekend gone and she turned 38 ....7 years younger than my h...may not be 20 years younger but enough to indicate him being a midlife prat.......younger woman etc.
Something made me smile what the kids said. Their dad cooked them a roast chicken dinner this weekend and they said it was bland and he over cooked the carrots...I know petty but it made me smile
Mia, you need to really try hard to find positives in your life. Being angry is understandable but not useful, and it's really not a competition.
Have you thought about any activities for you to meet new friends? (Male & female, not dating just friends) You don't seem to like my advice and that's okay but please understand I totally get your anger. I have been there! I have gone through labor with my H next to me KNOWING he is just there for the baby. KNOWING he is living and in LOVE with another woman. Now that's some anger to deal with.
I was stubborn and didn't want to take some advice from vets but they were right, I eventually saw how right they were. I needed to get my mind off of him and OW. I needed to take pleasure in my own accomplishments not his shortcomings.
I needed to stop keeping score. Because right now is when all those nasty thoughts are coming back to haunt me. I'm still learning to let them go, and my H is struggling to learn how to deal with me as I try and let go of the hurt.
Use this time wisely to heal and make yourself a better person. We all have room for improvement.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Yes I think we all feel interested in what may be happening with our spouse and their AP, but I make it a point of honour not to ask SS anything now. If I'm playing devils advocate, I would say that it is good he made an effort to cook them a nice meal - even if it did turn out a little bland.
We don't all reach a place of compassion until we've taken a journey to get there. The important thing is to take that journey and not get stuck in 'stinkin thinkin' of - oh he's just a moron and she's a parasite who preys on unavailable men etc. Ultimately, that kind of bitterness isn't what we want in our lives...at the end of the day, we are all responsible for ourselves, whatever anyone else may be doing.
Food for thought hopefully and well intended Mia
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I understand what you are saying but I have moments when I get so angry with him and one of them is right now ( when firstly my youngest has left his school shoes there and today is non uniform day and it's going to be really warm and he's left all his shorts there) makes me mad ...I can't say I'm sorry about that. H has created a situation which I never thought I'd be in and it makes me mad.
I'm on my own with kids whilst gets his jollies off with her living the life of Riley...complete d@ckhead....and now I will breath
