AmyTX - I'm sorry you have found yourself here. You'll get lots of great advice. The core thing is to focus on yourself and D13. H is on his own journey and you don't want to go along for that ride.
I'm sure the vets will chime shortly with more specific advice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi AmyTX - I am sorry your h did not support you during your health issues. I am betting that if you think about it you may see that your h always had issues with aging, sickness, hospitals, etc.? I think many, many MLCers do. This is not to excuse what he did. But this fear of aging/sickness + bad coping skills = perfect MLC formula.
About the therapist, that's good you are talking to someone! Be aware that there are very few therapists who really understand MLC. Even though they say they do, probably they get midlife "transitions" (I am not where I want to be in my career, I hate the empty nest, etc.) but not midlife "crisis." That is a different story.
Here's my funny therapist story. I sought out someone who was pro marriage and who understood MLC. 7 months post BD, I go to talk to her. She is taking notes and nidding. I am telling her that at bomb drop my told me he wanted to live at home, get an apartment, sleep around on Saturday nights, he told me I could sleep around on Friday nights (!) and then the rest of the time we would play Leave it to Beaver. (We had a completely normal, monogamous marriage, nothing kinky! No farm animals, power tools, etc.) She looks up and asks me how long we've been swinging! (I do live in SoCal and that sort of thing does happen here so ...)
Point is, just because a therapist says she gets MLC, does not mean she really does. Most do not understand MLC nor the corresponding regression, confusion and depression. So don't be surprised if your therapist tells you to cut and run. But, you can still work on you with him/her.
About your h wanting to date you and other women? That is called cake eating. He wants to keep all his options open. However, we teach people how we are to be treated. When my h would come up with his "plans" (that ALWAYS only benefitted him) I would think: what if my kids were watching all this? How would I want them to see me acting as a role model? And remember: if you have maintained your dignity but lost your marriage you have not lost a single thing!
Stay active and take care of you and your daughter.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I told him what he could do with his plan. Lol! Yes I want to be an example to my daughter. I told him we could work on friends -- but no dating if he was dating others. I have to like myself and respect myself. I can't if I'm sharing my husband.
Which, if he follows through with his plans -- we will file papers next month.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I have merged your two threads together this morning. The reason for this is that your previous thread only had 29 postings. Please stick to one thread until you've received 100 postings/replies and then create a new thread. Also, you can change your subject line within a thread at any time.
Having one thread going at a time is easier for us to follow your progress and it will help you if you need to go back and revisit a particular thread.
Any tips on how to control the thoughts in your head? I am sitting here thinking about my marriage. I am driving myself crazy re-analyzing stuff and wishing I could go back and make changes.
I am still so new to this and the pain is so much right now. I just miss him so much and hate the feeling of lost that I am going through.
The man that talks to me now -- about our daughter or our upcoming divorce -- is not the man I knew. I just got an email from him a few days ago stating he has been miserable for 1/2 our marriage. You were miserable for 8 1/2 years and did not tell me. Seriously?!?!
I knew things were rocky the last year or so, but he blamed it on work and stuff .. but we used to be happy. Or am I crazy????
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
