Taking my first sip of the water

[SH_]

Ghost,

i wish I could be there for you at this time.

But please know it is not the end.

It is an opportunity for a new beginning.

You must take action on the things that you have learned and been advised on as it relates to everything in this community.

My prayers are with you my friend.
Please let me know what I can share for you that will help you take the necessary steps to build yourself up.

[sandi2]

So why am I so afraid to take the first step ....

What is the first step, Ghost?

I am stuck here because I am not willing to move on forwards

What is your picture of moving forward?

From my observation, when some of us were strongly encouraging you to leave the house for a few days........you could not handle it. You started going through years of stuff you had collected, and you bogged down under the emotional stress. I think you took a break from the board b/c you could not deal with pressure from us. You saw the advice of "moving forward" meaning you had to separate from your family.......and that is what you could not face.

When you write, you often state things that you should do.........which is really repeating advice that you've received. Then you say you are stuck b/c you are not willing to move forward. If moving forward did not mean that you have to make a life apart from your family..........could you see a happier Ghost? Could you move forward if it meant you get to live with your W?

Your fear of being alone is something that goes deeper and further back than your MR. (You wanted suggestions for the IC sessions). Your entire identity seems tied to your M and family. You can't see the man you would be apart from the M, b/c that man has no identity. From past posts, you talk as if you had no identity before you met her. I believe finding the root of this fear and how to overcome it, will break this cycling for you.

I don't think you are going to be hit by some bolt of lightening that will make you get off your a$$ and do what you don't want to do. When we are inspired, it is easy to get through a day of reaching goals. What I have experienced, is when you are at a certain point of depression........the motivational shots just don't accomplish what your mind/spirit needs to force your body into action. ((Ghost)) you are depressed. I don't know your reasons for not wanting to take AD meds. I have had to take them. They are not a pep pill. They have never made me feel odd or whatever you may think they do. The meds help you feel more "normal" and gives you a sense of well being. If you tell the doctor about your over powering racing/cycling thought, I think they can prescribe the right AD to help. You do not have a sense of well being, and therapy alone, could take time to get better......IDK. I think therapy with medication could make such a difference in the state of mind you are currently experiencing. This is strictly my opinion. I am very concerned for you, and want you to feel better about yourself.

Btw, I understand your relationship with food, and how you turn to food for comfort. When you don't feel loved.......you turn to something to fill that void. Some people turn to alcohol.........some turn to other substitutes. Have you tried a diet program, where they have weekly meetings? Weight watchers was encouraging to me. Meeting together and boosting one another's morale, carries you through the week. You don't feel alone b/c everyone in the group is walking the same road. And Ghost, there is no judgement from anyone! I think that is the greatest feeling in the world, to know you can walk into that circle and be accepted the way you are. Anyway, it's just a suggestion to find a diet program that has a weekly group support.

[ATPeace]

I do not know what you can share

Last night I could not sleep so today I am going to be shattered

Why does everything feel so awkward

Things were never like this before now I feel the only way forward is to move out and be apart from my wife yet this is the last thing I want to happen but I can see no other options

So option I move to my mums
Option we put the house on the market

And then move to separate houses and she will almost certainly meet someone else as might i and if we don't then life will forever be different with only me having my daughter without my W and she will have her on her own

I do not want someone else bringing up our youngest daughter why did she not work on this at the start I do not see how after this length of time apart How anyone can get back together yet people do get back together after being apart for longer than I have been apart from my W.

I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible

I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this

So do you think I should say to my W would she like me to move to my mums to give each other space or should I just say this is what I am going to do and action it ....is this some thing we should talk about first ?

I am scared that seeing less of me she will get further from me and separation will take place

Back to the ted talks my goal is to loose weight a noticeable amount and be the man that she first fell in love with. I still want to show her how valuable she is to me and our children and that making this choice does not have to happen

Thank you my friends

[ATPeace]

I think a weight loss program may be extremely good for me I think meting weekly will be a great incentive to work hard to loose the weight

Less interaction with the W will also be a good thing for me mentally and perhaps she may be drawn cloe to me who knows .

I believe I could easily fall into love again is this codependent rather than love and perhaps this is what happened with my W when we met years ago and We got together were we really in love....and what is love ....who knows 27 years together is a long time to have got it wrong

Sandi you said could I move forward if it meant that I was able to live With my wife I am not sure I understand this I see moving forward as being apart from her

Thank you sandi

[sandi2]

The fear of being alone is paralyzingly the progress in your growth, self-esteem, GAL, and basically everything else. DB members talked to you about fear for months........and you broke down even more. IMHO, you need to stop worrying about leaving your home and living alone. Okay? As long as there are no physical altercations......just relax and stay in your house, and stop fretting over your W. Alright? We have to find a solution that is going to help you get emotionally stronger and happier.

For you, going forward does not equal leaving. Will you stop connecting your thoughts to believe going forward means leaving your home and living by yourself?

Will you continue IC sessions to discuss your racing and cycling thoughts, fears, etc.? Will you not go to IC to win back your W. but to be a happier man?

I don't know what SH wants to do with you, but he is trying to help you out of this emotional pit. He is extending his hand......but you have to grab ahold and start climbing out of the pit. Put forth the effort to work with him and study the material he gives you. Will you do it, Ghost?

[Sotto]

I was thinking of you on my drive home today Ghost. What I would like to say is that I feel change (in you) offers the best hope of possible reconciliation. I say this on the basis that if all stays the same with you (ie: you are afraid to change) why would your W want to return? The demise of the M was linked to how you both were.

When I say change in you I don't mean sell up, date, separate. I mean internal change and that means accepting things are as they are just now with your W and looking inward. Looking at your fear, racing thoughts, self esteem, eating patterns - coming to face with yourself and changing what you would like to change. But also accepting that you - like any of us are perfectly unique and imperfect.

Please try to put the marital issues to one side for now - in a little box on the shelf if needs be. If you can arrange to see an IC and focus purely on you (not on your hopes for the M) that would be best I think.

x

[Ginger1]

From what your W says, it seems as if your chance of reconciliation will be linked to living separately.

You are saying it might make you guys drift farther apart. yet it seems as if she is saying IF there is a chance, it's only if you live apart for a while.

The longer you try to cling, the more resentment that will build. And you say she says she loves you, but has lots of resentment.

So, do we cause more resentment, or do we move forward (like sotto said, forward moving does not mean dating) and build a life for ourselves giving a chance for your wife to get rid of some of that resentment and you can lose your fear of being alone and become your own man that is not attached to someone elses identity?

[SH_]

Ghost.

I don't want to say that I am throwing my hands up and quitting here, but this entire page of posts just looks like all the other pages in your threads for the past year.
You are asking the same questions.
Folks are giving you the same advice.
You are responding with the same.....

I do not know what you can share

Last night I could not sleep so today I am going to be shattered

Why does everything feel so awkward

Things were never like this before now I feel the only way forward is to move out and be apart from my wife yet this is the last thing I want to happen but I can see no other options

So option I move to my mums
Option we put the house on the market

And then move to separate houses and she will almost certainly meet someone else as might i and if we don't then life will forever be different with only me having my daughter without my W and she will have her on her own

I do not want someone else bringing up our youngest daughter why did she not work on this at the start I do not see how after this length of time apart How anyone can get back together yet people do get back together after being apart for longer than I have been apart from my W.

I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible

I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this

So do you think I should say to my W would she like me to move to my mums to give each other space or should I just say this is what I am going to do and action it ....is this some thing we should talk about first ?

I am scared that seeing less of me she will get further from me and separation will take place

Back to the ted talks my goal is to loose weight a noticeable amount and be the man that she first fell in love with. I still want to show her how valuable she is to me and our children and that making this choice does not have to happen

Thank you my friends

Deja Vu my friend.
How many more times will this be stated and no actions taken?

Dude, the water is right in front of you!!!!
Stick your face in and drink before you die of thirst my friend.

I don't know what SH wants to do with you, but he is trying to help you out of this emotional pit. He is extending his hand......but you have to grab ahold and start climbing out of the pit. Put forth the effort to work with him and study the material he gives you. Will you do it, Ghost?

This comes to mind.

“A strong man cannot help a weaker unless the weaker is willing to be helped, and even then the weak man must become strong of himself; he must, by his own efforts, develop the strength which he admires in another. None but himself can alter his condition.” -James Allen

Hi

I feel that I am getting close to the end

I have tried to change become a better person I have tried to show my W how sorry I am for letting her down I have tried to keep a connection and it is not helping

My W and I are getting more and more distant or so it feels and this is heartbreaking

It hurts when I can see she reads my msg yet does not reply ( power and control ?)

I do not want for my family to breakup but I have no control of this outcome as she has already made this decision.

I am ready to do whatever needs to be done she wants seperate houses it feels time to give her what she wants

I am Struggling at the moment and I feel so alone

This comes to mind.

“A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.” James Allen

I think a weight loss program may be extremely good for me I think meting weekly will be a great incentive to work hard to loose the weight

Less interaction with the W will also be a good thing for me mentally and perhaps she may be drawn cloe to me who knows .

I believe I could easily fall into love again is this codependent rather than love and perhaps this is what happened with my W when we met years ago and We got together were we really in love....and what is love ....who knows 27 years together is a long time to have got it wrong

Sandi you said could I move forward if it meant that I was able to live With my wife I am not sure I understand this I see moving forward as being apart from her

This comes to mind

“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves.” James Allen

Will you continue IC sessions to discuss your racing and cycling thoughts, fears, etc.? Will you not go to IC to win back your W. but to be a happier man?

This comes to mind

“Suffering is always the effect of wrong thought in some direction. It is an indication that the individual is out of harmony with himself, with the Law of his being.” James Allen

Ghost my friend. My dear sad and desperate friend.
You need to get an appointment with an IC or psychiatrist and be honest with them and dig deep and express the help that you continue to ask for here.
Please....do this....desperate measures for a desperate time.

You need some hands on assistance and guidance. You are not getting the information that is being given here because of the things I have put in this post to you.

Will you take this one step.
Focus only on doing this.
Can you do this?
Will you do this?

No more trying to go at this alone.
You hands on assistance my dear friend.

This is the Hammer of Thor coming down right now...........
Understand this is from the bottom of my heart.
I do not want to see another week, month or year of you spinning in circles.
There is no value or benefit for you, your family and your future in doing nothing.

I ask again,
Will you take this one step.
Focus only on doing this.
Can you do this?
Will you do this?

“Act is the blossom of thought; and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus does a man garner in the sweet and biter fruitage of his own husbandry” James Allen

[ATPeace]

Ok Sandi, Sotto Ginger and SH

I can see you have my back and you know what I feel stronger

Last night had Chinese with my three elder children and my daughters boyfriend and it was really nice. Earlier that night I had helped my daughter polish her car she has only just passed her test so it is her pride and joy...I believe things are so much better between my daughter and myself from a year ago when she could hardly talk to me or be nice to me so if things can change then things can change

Today I have my IC session and I plan to make this about me and my spireliing thoughts and how I can deal with my fears

It meanrs a lot to me to have you as my support and today I fill that glass

Guys I do need to change I have a lot of changes that I need to make to heels ....for myself

I am a good man and I have beeten myself up for way too long I have so many things to be happy for
I have my children ju
I have my health
I have my Porsche.....I know .......it just a car ....but it's Mine !!!! I love her shape I love her looks
I live in a lovely part of town
I am me

I will let you know how I get on today at ICh

[Sotto]

Good luck with your appointment and let us know how things go my friend.