H filed for divorce - is it too late?

[Altair]

Hi Csabo,
pull up a chair at the girl's table. Our stories seem to be different than the guys here, but they are always here for us with great advice. Perhaps add your signature so we can keep track of you!
Ah, the friendzoning and the Tinder talk. I am afraid to think about H poking about on Tinder, but as you might see on other threads he wants to date (and for me to date during the S). I am also afraid to be friendzoned, although DB coach recommends for now, being a friend.
So here's how I'm toeing that line:
I don't see him much, but when I do, I make sure I've got hair and makeup done, looking good, short shorts and pushup bra. Smelling great. Then I treat him like a friend. (I'm trying to be funny here, but I am also serious)
I'm sweet to him and listen and validate. If H told me he was on Tinder-- not sure what I would do-- but I wouldn't react really, but get out of the situation. ("oh no, just got a work call, gotta go")
I definitely don't want him telling me about his dates. The curious part of me would want to listen, but I'd have to shut it down, otherwise that is super friendzone zone. Not sure what DB coach will say, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. HTH...

[csabo]

Hi Cherry, thanks for the feedback. It does sound like a good boundary to set to not let him talk to me about other women, thanks for that idea. I feel like I used to try to be very acquiescing to him, so maybe a "180" would be to set some boundaries like that.

I'm actually still feeling pretty discouraged, just...him serving me the divorce papers on our anniversary felt like a really low blow. I'm almost tempted to say something to him about it, but I don't think it would help me any. It certainly can't change what happened.

I'm still going to be keeping consistent with my changes, working on me and working on detaching.

[csabo]

I guess I would like to ask if anyone has any advice or wisdom on dealing with the mixed messages/ hot and cold behavior.

Like, last Friday night was really nice and I thought he started opening up to me a little, maybe testing the waters by telling me about how he felt lonely and how that might be a sign that he's starting to change his mind...but he went ahead and served me the divorce papers anyway! On our anniversary no less.

How do I balance the small positives with the big negatives?

[Surfer]

He just got done telling me about how he couldn't talk to some cute girl at the gym, and that he came to the realization that he's a "loser" and that's why he was always okay with it when things weren't going well. He didn't specify, but I felt like he meant not going well between us.

My take is that he is saying he "feels like a loser". He saying he didn't notice it when the sh!t was hitting the fan in the relationship as he was distracted or perhaps felt his feelings were appropriate.

Look you have no kids so D is much easier for him. But if you really want to give it a shot, get the housework sorted and other things he will see. Both of you keep on top of it. Try if I do this (vaccuming) would you mind doing that (mow the lawn) please? If not, just crack on cheerfully. working together on simple things like housework can help. You have obviously been a bit slack around the house from your posts.

In terms of other physical things he can see as you change What about your appearance? You need to look your best.

The final bit is being the best person you can be, doing what you did not do. I.e things to make you and him feel better out each other. This last bit is the thing that takes time. You can work on one thing today though and that is to be cheerful, fun you, always happy when you interact. Even if he is spewing at you. Tricky but it's 'act as if'. It's do-able.

The really hard but is not only to keep all of this up but also to drop negative relationship habits and keep them dropped. You can't do things for now. Don't do anything you are not willing to do for the rest of you life is a really scary but true mantra. But you have to work out - what are my negative relationship habits, honestly, and see if you are willing and able to change.

I hope this helps. You clearly have your feet on fairly firms foundations in terms of DB'ing. Take it slowly. You are moving an oil tanker. It takes time....

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Oh nearly forgot. On the "loser" point. Don't ask him about it. You know what he means and he doesn't like feeling like this.

He needs to feel he is not a loser. He needs to feel happier about himself. Be his cheerleader. Help him to feel better about himself.

Just little things, I like....those jeans they suit you....the way you think like that. Something that won't make him cringe, you will know what will work.

Try it and journal your responses.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Csabo,

On the hot/cold behaviour, he is mixed up. Simple as that. He's being inconsistent. Perhaps in light of this you need to think about the direction of the relationship for now. As he is not really choosing a path as such. He's darting came but "all over the place".

Going back to what I said about the changes you can make for you. Stick with them - also loved Altairs comment "short shorts, push-up bra, smelling great" comments - guys are so easy.....(LoL). But if you are still repeating poor behaviour patterns he will see through this and you must be consistent.

On the loser point, go really light on making him feel better about himself. Perhaps even leave it for a while as you might need to detach a little but get out of the house looking great as you leave. GAL. Let him see you being the best version of you first.

Surfer.

[maybs]

So here's how I'm toeing that line:
I don't see him much, but when I do, I make sure I've got hair and makeup done, looking good, short shorts and pushup bra. Smelling great. Then I treat him like a friend. (I'm trying to be funny here, but I am also serious)

Csabo, sorry to find you here but you really are in good company and not alone.

I agree with what Altair says. I don't see my W often but when I do I make sure I look my best. I know what she likes so I do that and then, like Altair said, I treat her like a friend sometimes less than a friend sometimes we talk very little but I know my appearance has always had an affect.

As for the hot and cold I have to agree with Surfer. It's probably just that he's confused and mixed up and not sure how to act. I think most WW or WH go through that. I'm constantly getting the push/pull act from my WW. I try to ignore it and just keep my focus on me.

Keep your head up and keep posting, I'll keep an eye out!

[MrBond]

I've been going through your posts again and might have missed it but did you ever read DB or DR?

[csabo]

Yeah, I've got DR checked out from the library and read it.

I found that he bought a box of condoms yesterday, it was opened and some were taken out. That really just...like, I guess it's not really "cheating" since I guess we're separated, but...ugh. And we've been separated for two months but he hadn't purchased condoms before now. Was it the "epiphany" that he was with me because he's a loser that spurred him further away from me and now he's like...planning, or at least hoping, for some random drunk girl at the bar to go home with?

He went out to bars last night "with co-workers". I went to my sister's but didn't tell him my plans. Even though I didn't go home last night (still not home) I've gotten no messages or anything from him wondering where I am or anything. Though, I guess I don't know that HE went home last night either. Ugh.

We're planning on watching more of Stranger Things on Sunday morning, I guess I'll see how his behavior is towards me while we're hanging out. If he's still being a little affectionate and trying to open up to me, or if he's gotten more distant.

I went out with some friends Thursday night, and when I got home around midnight he was home on the computer and he mentioned I looked good. So, that was kinda nice.

I haven't called a coach yet. I'm worried this is just so over. A few weeks ago, I was out with friends and told him some guy was flirting with me - not to make him jealous or anything, it was back when I was still talking to him a lot out of habit - anyway, he was all telling me to "get it, girl" and like, encouraging me to be with other guys. I read somewhere that you know it's over when you can picture your SO with another and it doesn't bother you. Maybe that's where he's at right now.

But then again, believe none of what they say, right?

This is so hard. Thanks to all of you for reading and responding. It helps to have people who understand and to get feedback from.

[csabo]

Also, I was thinking about "confronting" him of sorts, about some of his behavior the past two months.

For example, I bought new Tupperware to take my lunch to work with me, and he used one of them without asking. As a wife, like yeah what's mine is yours it's fine. But as "just friends"/roommates, that's kinda rude of him to use my things without asking.

I just want to be like, either we're married or not. If we're married, we're working on this and you need to shape up. If we're not, then you need to quit relying on me for housework and stuff and you need to shape up. I can't let him keep thinking he can just walk all over me.