Trying to detach - ugh...

[BluWave]

Coly & Cherry,

Double 2*4 coming at you with love :-) The mind reading is soooo hard not to do, but it doesn't work! You can never know what another person is thinking and feeling or what their intentions are. Think about it, even if a person tells you, they are telling you what they decided to tell you and you can only know so much. Well waywards are not going to tell you and more than that, they may not even know why right now themselves. They are also going through a hard time.

So, it doesn't work. It will also drive you crazy and can cause you more hurt than you already have. Lastly, it is taking away from the DB principle to focus on YOU! So when you find yourself mind reading or ruminating about H, thought stop, and then immediately do something else. Let that something be something that is only for you and that you have complete control over. Preferably something that makes you happy and is good for you.

That would be some great 180, GAL, and working towards detachment all rolled up into one!

Coly, I think your step back may be related to the family time. H has hurt you, you are not clear on the direction of the M or why this happened, and so having family time may be causing you more anxiety. I would say continue if it benefits you and D, but I don't see that to be the case. She also wants to protect you so keep in mind that is additional stress for her as well.

The good news is he continuing to be a father figure to D. I think that is good for her and at least he is trying!

I think LBS spend a lot of energy demonizing waywards and talking about their fog because it somehow makes it easier to accept the behavior. In reality, we don't know their emotional process and so we must simply accept their actions for what they are. I think the most critical step towards detachment is focusing on yourself, stop the mind reading, stop the rumination, and stop the finger pointing. This is only possible if we fill our lives with healthy Rs and positive activities!

One step and one day at a time. Things will get better and fall into place as they should in time. Believing that got me through some very hard days.

-Blu

[hawker]

Yes, mind reading is hard to do and it is a waste of time and these waywards change day to day!!! One day my W said she was getting an apartment, one day she was moving in with her male teacher friend and kids and then the next thing I knew she moved in with the OW. This was all within one week!!!!

Its easier said than done but it doesn't help to worry or have fear because there is a plan and we can change the way our S's think and we can't guess what they are thinking. We can be positive, work on ourselves, have fun with family and friends!!! hang in there

[Altair]

Blu,
that was a pretty soft 2x4! Like a foam one! Coly and Cherry, my team, hang in there! We can do this!

[Cherry]

Blu, I always appreciate your 2x4s and your advise. You are right, his downright disrespectful and toxic behaviour made me want to stay the hell away from him. He told his mum that there is a girl he likes but he isn't doing anything about it. He can't even be honest with me about that. I know damn well that there is a ow involved but he swears to me there isn't. Can't even keep up with his own damn lies.

[Coly23]

Blu, Hawker, Cherry, Altair, I just woke up to your posts, damn the time difference!

Blu, the fact that I am feeling such anxiety must mean that, in my heart, I don't think that this family time is right. I did speak with my D about it and you are right it is causing her anxiety as well as she sees H doing what I asked him to do and all she sees is me getting stressed about the way he asked.

His not contacting me directly is getting on my nerves. It's sending a clear message that I am not important anymore. How can he just cut me off in that way but still want to come over for family time, that's what I dont get.

I need to remove the rod from my back which i put there. If I need to draw a line in the sand then I need to have an R talk with him and that is stressing me out because I know I am not supposed to do that. Blu, you said you did have talks like this with your H in the past and it made him think. How did you eventually draw that line in the sand?

Cherry, I think we both needed that foam 2x4!

[Surfer]

Coly,

What detaches you from anxiety? Talking, dancing, singing, running etc?

What is it. Make a list for me please. Besides each point tell me which ones you can't do any why.

No point in telling you to mind read, Blu et al have done a perfect job.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

And not any

[Coly23]

Hi Surfer, thanks for stopping by. Right now my anxiety is through the roof and I've just been blubbing all day! I really don't know what would help my anxiety because I don't think I have ever experienced anxiety at this level.
Let's see:

Talking - I been doing a lot of that lately with friends and family but I do need to arrange for some counselling

Going to the gym - when my anxiety is really high I just want to cry so going to any public places is not ideal. Also my heart rate increases so much I fear I might have a heart attack if I do anything strenuous!

Reading - no reason why I can't do that just finding it difficult to concentrate

Sorry it's not a very big list. I'm finding it really hard to do anything at the moment because I just want to cry all the time. Most days I rush home from work because I have had to hold everything in for 8 hours....

I don't understand how to enjoy myself if I feel like this all the time...

[Surfer]

Coly,

You need to find you again. That IS the answer.

How you do that is by letting him go.

He won't come back if you are a mess. If you are the confident, sassy, kind caring you he fell for he may. So, find you! Do things you like to do that make you feel like YOU again. It takes a lot of effort and you may not feel like doing those things now, but force yourself. You WILL get there.

When you feel like you, you will be happy again.

But you need to detach too. That way he can't hurt you.

It's quite simple but hard to see when you feel like this.

Re-read, what I have said, what I think you should do; and do it - FOR YOU!

All the advice you will get is the same.

Just keep posting, it will calm your anxiety and help others help you.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Lovely coly, I agree with surfer. I'm so sorry you're struggling to do anything because of the tears. I know that pain and that feeling, I really do. But you do need to try your best and find anything that will bring you a little happiness or that you feel is a little treat for you and it will help.

After a rough night on Friday night, I really felt like staying in bed crying all yesterday. But I forced myself up and out with a girlfriend. It was hard but once I was out I had a good time. I also find that once I've put s to bed I have a little me time as the evening is one of the times I feel the most triggers of sadness. I'll watch some tv (nothing romantic- I can't hack that right now), or I'll do my nails or put a facemask on- anything really that will look after me and treat me a little.

Chin up, they tell us it gets easier, and the first place to start is by looking after us.