wife of 14 years walks out on her family

[Raul]

@Sandi2,
I read you thread on the WW. It was right on and clearly the best advice on WW on the internet...trust me, I have searched high and low for months and you are the best at what you say.

Yes, my sister in laws whom love me like their brother, not only always defended me, they made sure she was put in her place. Unfortunately, I thought that by having her sisters speak out for me, that WW would see how much I mean to her family. Now that she refuses to speak to her sisters, I know I was so WRONG. I took cue from her because she always have said that her family's opinion of her boyfriend (then) meant the world to her. I just got to comfortable. Not only that, when I did stood up to WW, she made me sleep in the sofa and did not talk to me for weeks...seriously. I think it was 2 weeks the most we went without talking.

Sandi2, I have put an end to her coming over in the morning. My sister has taught me how to brush my daughters' hair. I went to store and bought many hair supplies for girls. I have been brushing my girls hair for 4 days now. I'm getting good.

About GAL, I have started taking my daughters' to church. This Sunday was my first time in years. We enjoyed it. I also, arranged for a babysitter a few nights so I can go get a drink with a group of friends which have been very rewarding. I have made friends with 4 new people (all divorced women). Not only do I receive support, we relate and go on with just friendship- not dating. I still wear my ring- not ready.

Sandi2, what I am planning to do is change my cell number and not give it to WW and some people whom are now talking to her. I am planning to set up an internet home phone, so she can call my daughters at home or a leave messages. And she has my work phone number if she needs to reach me during work hours. She only has our daughters from 2pm to 5pm after school- I pick them up at 5:15pm. And the last two weeks, she has been saying she has no days off and has been "working" long hours so she can't have our daughters spend the night. I know "working" means spending time with OM. I already proved it to myself twice. My 9 years also seems to catch on too. Yesterday she told me that she will be spending the night with mommy today. After picking up my daughters, WW text that she was told she has to go to work. So she text, tell our daughter I have to work. I told my daughter and she said, mommy is a liar. I saw her work schedule. She going to see the OM. I was somewhat bothered by WW text, I just hugged my daughter and told her mommy loves you.

Besides, she got mad at me a few weeks ago because I forgot my phone at home. She was calling it. Our girls were at school. Eventually she called me at work just to yell at me that when she calls, I pick up the phone. I honestly don't remember why she was calling me in the first place.

Then, she also got mad because she was texting me and it the messages were not going through. My carrier had an outage for a few hours. So when she called, she said how dare I block her calls.

I know I am taking a big risk here. My plan is to make her think I disconnected my cellphone and got a house phone instead. What she doesn't know is that the internet phone plan I will have has a mobile app where the message or call can be forwarded to my cellphone. She is not that tech savy so she will think she is calling my house phone. I don't want to feel pressure to call her back when she text to have the girls call her just to say hello. I hate it because she doesn't make an effort to actually see our daughters and by simply texting me to have them call her, irritates me. Because she asks what are we doing. So now, I will tell her, call my house phone, leave a message and they will call you back when I get home. This will also give me peace and mind because I will not call or text her because I don't want her to have my new number.

When she cheated on me in 2005 and left, after a few pleads and pursuing, I changed my number. I no longer called her and I no longer looked at phone wishing she would call me. She eventually had to go to my work to talk to me after a few months.

[AndrewP]

Raul - great job on the girls and their hair! It may seem like a simple thing but it is a great bonding exercise and will help them feel good and you feel good. You may want to look around for what are called "hair toys" - clips and sticks etc and let the 2XD help you out with that. There are ones you can craft as well. Not sure how old your D are but one fun GAL activity might be to take them out to get their makeup done. Around here the local shops that sell makeup will often teach people how to apply their products and do the makeup that suits them best - often for free. It's what we did for D24 when she got married. They also will teach "you" how to help select product and apply it for your D - just a thought for something fun.

I'm not sure about the complex plans with the phones. On the surface it just seems like it adds confusion to the whole issue. Unlike when I was younger a lot of people just screen their calls / texts. You don't need an excuse of "there's a problem with the carrier" - just don't answer and reply when you're not busy. The main thing is to not give an excuse beyond "I was busy" and don't say "sorry" or be sorry (I broke that rule a bunch of times BTW).

The issue with your SIL and extended family is perhaps more complex. I only know a bit about Latin culture which I presume you are part of but the extended family is important for many of us even in my (Scottish/Canadian) culture. If you and your D are still part of that extended family then perhaps you should continue to be. Just don't drag them in and try to get them to take sides - that's playing with fire.

Good luck - you're doing great being your own Raul and a Dad to your D!

[Raul]

UPDATE:
I changed my cell phone number 2 days ago. I have not called or text her since then. I was starting up again texting her to come back home at 2 am and how we miss her. Of course she never reply to my text nor does she ever answer my phone calls. Instead I set up a house phone with voicemail so she can call our daughters or my daughters can call her too. I decided to go dark and I believe this is how, for me, would be the best way. I no longer have the urge to see if she text me. And when she did, it was to remind me to do this or that...or she did not like how I brushed my daughter's hair...or the clothing where they look like "welfare kids." And a few on how I disappoint her. So no more texts from her. Of course my daughters' school have my new number. WW also has my work number and email. So she can get a hold of me in need of an emergency.

I know I have been told here many times by many wonderful people of the mistakes that I know I have been doing. One of them is when I keep giving WW the keys to the house. I changed the door locks 3 times since she left but I continue to make her a key. I decided that I think I will do so again. I wanted her to see how we are making our living without happen. Her biggest complaint was that I had a mess in the garage and that we (daughters) always made a mess around the house and never picked up after ourselves. Which I can say yes to that. But for the last 3 months, our house has been spotless and clean. She has complimented how clean the house has been...but then she goes into the garage. So this Saturday, the garage will be cleaned out! So I will let her come over a few more days so she can see the garage clean. Then I will change the locks for good.

What really bothered me this morning is that I wanted to dry some clothes. I opened the dryer and her clothes were in there. I got nosy. I went through and saw many sexy panties. New panties that I have not seen, but obviously she has wore. So what came to my mind is her saying...."I had sex in these panties with my lover and went to my husband's house to wash them". I'm changing the locks next week. Another issue with her coming over is her dressing sexy. I have a front door camera that takes pictures of people that step up to my door and sends me the pictures to my phone. I was so upset to see the pictures of her coming to my house with her flaunting her breast out and looking sexy. So, i don't think it's a good idea for her to come over if it will continue to get me so upset. Another issue she does is taking stuff from the house. I told her that whatever is in the house, it stays.

[cheesyt]

any update raul? it's been many days

[Raul]

Yes cheesyt, here is my update:
August 16, WW calls me (home phone transferred call to my cellphone)very upset. Apparently someone in my family is calling out her doing on FB. I discontinued my FB so I told her that I don't know anything about it. She was screaming at me. Then the magic happened. She convinced me, I record all of our conversations, that all of this was my fault. I actually apologize to her! Told her to forgive me. And she said I don't trust you or forgive you. Hearing back our conversation, I don't understand how she manipulated me. She gaslighted me good. After her blaming me for her cheating and walking away from our marriage because I should not have told her family about her affairs. She said she would have still been at home with me. But because I told her family about her cheating, I ruined her life. She made threats that if I continue pursuing her, she will divorce me and regret that she "gave" me our daughters. At the time of the phone call, I can hear myself how easily I took the blame for everything. So now hearing back, I felt stupid.

I decided on that day that I will STOP pursuing her and do a NC. So I have not talked to her or seen her since that day. I feel so much better and feel good too.

Now regarding yesterday. I pick up my daughter from her apartment. My D10 tells me she is very angry at her mother. I asked her why. She tells me that mommy is talking to 3 different men. She made plans to spend time with a man after work. My D10 says my mom is a cheater and a liar. I was hurt by her comment and her revelation. I wanted to call her mom and tell her off. But I did not. I let it go. I just continue on with my day. I did go and turn the shower on when I got home and cried. I was hurt to know my WW has now 3 men in her life whom I know she is having sex with. I wanted to go to her apartment last night and break down the door and confront her and her boyfriend. But I know I will lose my daughters if I did.

I am at 9 days with NC. It feels like months. I miss the old her so much. I don't know who is this woman at all.

I am still going to church, riding my motorcycle and spending all my time with my daughters. I have made my daughters my priority.

[Irish M]

Hi Raul

It's not easy thinking of what your wife is doing. Hard to avoid updates about her because your kids tell you what's up. I'm happy you decided to not confront her.
Your kids are priority. Don't jepardize losing them.

Your situation is similar to mine. My XW is not the person I married. That helps me disconnect with her so much. I wouldn't want someone like her in my life.

Your situation is farely new. I'm a year into it and no signs of XW seeing her wrongs.

Your relationship with your kids will Be so strong after all this. That is your goal.
Save them from a crisis life. Let your Wife figure it out all by herself.

[AndrewP]

I am at 9 days with NC. It feels like months. I miss the old her so much. I don't know who is this woman at all.

I am still going to church, riding my motorcycle and spending all my time with my daughters. I have made my daughters my priority.

Raul - you're doing great. It's very tough I know to not reach out to someone who was such an important part of your life for so very long.

Stay strong - there will be good days and bad days. You've got a good focus do your best to stick with it and you'll come out the other side a even better man.

[Raul]

@Irish,
Just curious, did you file for D or did she? So far, WW has our daughters twice a week. But according to my daughters, does not pay any attention to them, always talking on the phone with different men. How sad for a mom to treat her children that way.

@AndrewP,
Thanks Andrew, I am trying. But I hate those "triggers." One minute I am happy driving to work...then see something that reminds me of her or hear a song that we danced to...then the tears keep falling.

[Raul]

Update:
WW finally talked to our daughters about why she left. She had ignored this question for many months. My daughter kept asking and finally she answered. She told them that there is no other man only male friends. That she left because she was bored and tired of the same routine. She had to "change up" her life.

Not sure if that is a slap in the face for me. Since I did everything in the house. I paid the bills, took the girls to school. Picked them up after school, gave them dinner and helped with homework. I also was the one involved with parent conferences with teachers. I cleaned the house, wash the dishes and clothes. And I held a full time job. This was everyday for almost 10 years. Why did she do? Work, work, work. Her routine was get up at whatever time she wanted. Picked up the house, do some chores and do go do what she wanted. She would then get ready for work about 3pm. By the time we got home, she would leave to work. She would come home about 11:30 pm. By the then, the kids were showered, fed and asleep. Yep, me. I did it. But for her to say she was bored because of the same routine...Now she is living the single life. I'm still doing what I have been doing, her job too.

I had to vent.

[Irish M]

Hi Raul
We went to mediation on her request only to cancel it on the last day when we were supposed to finalize paper work. She walk out said she couldn't do this.

She initiated the divorce. Her divorce was paid for my her mother. So she would get what she was entitled to.

I only protected myself but I'm so glad it's done. Weight lifted off my shoulders.
Finances are secure.

Sad that your wife is not putting her kids first in this time when they need parents the most

Continue doing what you are doing. Protect them from this MLC

Irish