Thank you so much for these posts. To tell you the truth -- I would be a blubbering idiot if I had not found this forum. His guy friend that is helping him moved, gave me a huge hug and told me he will hopefully snap out of this soon. I guess I am not the only one hat sees what he is doing.
This will be my first night without my daughter -- so I am headed to the gym and then a nice dinner by myself. Hoping to visit a friend tomorrow and drink magaritias by a pool. I will work on GAL. Hugs to each and everyone of you.
I am sure I will be back online later tonight .. When it gets quiet and the memories flood in.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I'm so sorry that your husband has moved out. Focus on being the best AmyTX and mom that only a fool would leave.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Update -- he officially moved out on Sunday. However after spending the afternoon with my daughter today. He decided to bring a pizza home to share instead of taking her out for dinner as planned. Of course I had just come home from the gym and I was a mess.
And now he plans on doing some work around the house on Sunday. He is still talking about the divorce and I am just polite when we talk. He mostly talks about himself, his new condo, and work. We had a brief email exchange earlier in the week when I was weak.
Is this normal behavior. Do they live to torment and keep popping back up when they are so set on divorce?
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
They aren't even thinking about what they are doing at times. Is he living to torment you because he's popping in? In my opinion, no. All he sees is that he's being a good guy bringing pizza to the home and spending time w/his daughter.
His journey is all about him and he's going to sing the me, me, me song for a long time. He will not care about anything else but himself and what makes him feel and look good. Just remember, it's him, not you.
Have you read the homework that was posted to you? If not, please do so, also visit around the forum and read the postings of others. You'll then see that what your h is doing is normal behavior for someone in crisis.
Divorce is the brass ring to him. He thinks that will make him feel better and that there is a new and exciting life out there without the usual responsibilities and being held account for his actions. Guess what...it's the same ole same ole because you have to work a job, pay the bills, do the usual housework and yes take care of the family. He doesn't realize that divorce will mean more money being shelled out and that he won't have the luxury to just pop in whenever he wants and that you are the one that will set that boundary in place. Things change w/divorce and he doesn't get it...none of them do until it's too late.
BTW, if his popping in bugs you, you can always set up a visitation schedule w/him. After all, your home is now your space as well as your daughter's. However, that is up to you. Also, he will need to start taking his daughter to his place for his visits once he's gotten the place together so that he can spend quality time w/her there and not use your home. He may very well use your place for visitation as an excuse to keep an eye on you and what you are doing. If he continues to come over, please be sure to keep all personal documents in a safe place and password your computer, etc. They do love to snoop, i.e., just as much as we do.
Thank you for your advice. Yes .. I have been doing a lot of the reading but just really overwhelmed. I have need working extra hours because I don't trust myself to not contact him.
And .. I guess I should be lucky, but my stbx canceled on me today. Which then makes me wonder why? Which I shouldn't. So I went to the gym and food prepped for the week. I know others have made it through this. And I have good and bad days .. But today has been really heard. I keep focusing on why he left and what changes I should have made. I have lost some weight and I'm now 35 pounds from where I was when we married.
I know the last few months were rocky and I was still recovering from my thoracotomy / lung cancer -- but I am absolutely miserable right now. At least during my cancer treatment I could trust he doctors. Now I'm just lost.
All my family and friends tell me I'd be better off, and I don't want to be left again, but don't want to be in this place right now in my life. I miss my husband, my best friend, my helpmate. I know I need to get stronger .....
I have joined a support group, but I guess I need to find someone else to talk to bc I don't want to keep rehashing it with the few friends and family I have told. Next month would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and I feel like a spoiled child throwing a tamptrum, but I miss him ...
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Of course you miss him. If you didn't, I'd think that there was something wrong w/you and the relationship. You were together for quite a long time and now he's left this empty void. Your support system went out the window when he left...but there are others that can step up to the plate to support you right now. Lean on them.
It takes a long time to recover from thoracotomy/lung cancer. So, don't be so hard on yourself and keep your expectations of what you think that you should be doing or where you should be at this time to a minimum. Give your body time to heal.
As for your family and friends, until they walk a mile in your shoes, they don't have a clue as to what you are dealing w/when it comes to you and your h at this time. I would suggest that you select one or two close friends to talk to about your situation and leave the others in the dark unless they inquire. If they inquire, keep your responses short and sweet.
I'm glad you joined a support group. They will help you. You can always come here to vent, be angry and yes just seek old comfort from those who post here. The posters are on the same path w/you, but are at various stages along the way.
Try to keep the focus on you and getting better. Stress can play a huge role in healing.
I know the last few months were rocky and I was still recovering from my thoracotomy / lung cancer -- but I am absolutely miserable right now. At least during my cancer treatment I could trust he doctors. Now I'm just lost.
All my family and friends tell me I'd be better off, and I don't want to be left again, but don't want to be in this place right now in my life. I miss my husband, my best friend, my helpmate. I know I need to get stronger .....
I have joined a support group, but I guess I need to find someone else to talk to bc I don't want to keep rehashing it with the few friends and family I have told. Next month would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and I feel like a spoiled child throwing a tamptrum, but I miss him ...
Hey AmyTx,
Sorry you are here with us. I know it's little comfort to hear, but remember that I and many others here are walking in the same shoes as you. I admire your patience about your sitch and I crave it for myself.
Your comment about your doctors really hit home with me. I can see the difference. When battling your illness, you didn't know what the outcome would be - but with the guidance of your doctors, you knew what to do. There was a plan, there was an established course of action to take. If the course didn't work quite right, the doctors would have an alternate plan. With MLC, your plans for your life might get sidetracked, because you don't know what grenades your H is going to try and throw at you. It's a rollercoaster, there feels like no plan because the MLCer has no plan - even if it sounds like they do.
There's lots of other vets who are great at putting things into perspective (a few of them are cranky), but job is always amazing.
It's great that you have a support group. I'm glad you beat your illness. Hang in there. Keep going. Take your time.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
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