RosaLinda, I appreciate the kind words and look forward in a manner of speaking to being neighbors soon over in the "life after D" neighborhood.
I was not exaggerating. You are truly amazing, honestly, 7 months after my bomb drop I was a soggy weepy pursuing mess You're sort of a natural born DBer! I love how you reach out to help others. I look forward to shaking your hand someday too, although giving you a hug is more my style!
I'm sorry we're gonna be neighbors over in Surviving soon, but have learned it's not a bad place to be. Life is what we make of it huh, and I'm truly grateful to have been given a second chance at it!
Originally Posted By: Lance
SH I think Mach is referring to my friends quote of MWD's post - you know this one. Originally Posted By: Cadet
Divorce Busting August 25, 2016 Many people ask how it's possible to create change in a relationship if your spouse isn't motivated to do the same. Here at the Divorce Busting Center, we have a telephone coaching program that is designed specifically to help people whose partners are half-way out the door. In fact, practically everyone who contacts us is dealing with a marriage hanging by a thread. We help that person to figure out what they need to do or say differently to get a different, more productive response from their partner. Thousands of people have created positive change in their marriages by HANDLING their situations in new and better ways. So, if your spouse is saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore," don't panic. There are many things you can still do to turn your relationship around. Although not all marriages can be saved, many can. Perhaps yours is one of them. Remember, it takes one to tango. Michele Weiner-Davis
Have you really read it? And followed ALL of Mach's advice?
I love MWD and am also truly grateful for all the help she gives us, in her Divorce Busting books, these facebook posts, the DB coaches (I had Chuck and he was so helpful to me), and on this forum. It's sort of become a cliche, but although I was not able to save my marriage, divorce busting helped me to save my soul.
Happy birthday month to you and your girls! I'm so sorry that your D18 is having such a hard time with your STBX. Teenaged girls and their moms often have a rocky love-hate relationship anyway, this must be doubly hard for your daughter, having her mom do all that crappy immature stuff - throwing out guilt trips, hanging up, refusing to say she loves D18. Ugh. And then stalking her.... sheesh. Thank God your girls have you Sh, truly their rock and stability during this horrible time in their lives.
Originally Posted By: sh
Over a month and still no idea what the deal is with the D. I got all the docs to my L 3 and half weeks ago. Have a couple of calls out the week and no word yet.
Where do you live? 3 1/2 weeks after turning in documents unfortunately is not that long in the divorcing world.
Originally Posted By: sh
I am going to try and go in and conquer some of these demons of mine, or at least throw a bridle on them and take control of where they walk. Still stuck in a limbo state, but not really stuck if that makes any sense.
That makes perfect sense! You are growing and moving forward! Carry on!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
My favourite superhero, I had to break my self- imposed exile to wish you well in your new digs. I will have to visit the rest of my posse soon too.
I have been scanning through your latest updates. I am sorry that your RL support system has sort of fallen apart. So sorry too to hear about your mum's recent fight with cancer and the toil it has taken on you and your parents.
You are going and have gone through a lot. You are one heck of a superhero, green or whatever colour you may want to be. Don't you dare forget about this!
Holes in brain syndrome is still very much present for me so I can't really articulate as much as I want to.
But do know that you have touched my life in a far away continent. We may never meet in real life but I am thankful that I am able to have met you and been adopted into your online tribe.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Yes. Yes I do. I have read every line. I have seen the legend that told me of the great article.
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I will go wash it.....
: )
Yes, that is good Always a good show of etiquette.
RosaLinda
You are too kind. I can do hugs. Not my thing typically, but D18 is teaching me the value of them. I ma changing and trying new thing, so i would welcome a hug from such a kind person as you. Natural born DBer huh? I'll take that. I feel I did not get much of a shot at it with my WAW. I knew I needed something for years, but was not able to identify what until it was to late. I do stand by all that is DB and the wisdom of MWD as it clearly is a deeper message than simply changing up things to save our marriage. I sometimes feel that I am simply a survivor, more so than a Dber, but your compliment is one I will put on and wear with pride nonetheless. Thank you for the Birthday wishes, it will be an interesting year to look back on these ones for my family.
I live in the Southwest US and in my area once files, it could take as little as 2 months for the D. Supposedly it was files by her on April 29th. It is out of character to not hear back from my L so that is where my concern is. That and STBX tries to indicate that I am dragging things out. Funny as there is not much to drag out. I am in a no fault 50 50 state so it is pretty clear cut and with the finances already taken care of, it is more just some retirement stuff and custody details. I am not in a rush as the only thing that will change for me is a few dollars a month for child support and the legality of bing able to date and marry again. Child support is no big deal and the dating thing....not for a while, so things remain as they are now.
Chuck is my DB coach as well. Good guy and helped me in the thick of it all. I still have 2 more sessions, just not sure what he can do for me now.....
I agree, this community helped me in my darkest of moments....I will pay that back 1000 fold as I can not express the details of how it saved me....there were several that I will forever be indebted to even if they do not know it. And now I continue to find new friends for a new leg of my journey. You Linda are now one of them.
GRL!!! JksD!! Dory!!
So good to hear from you again. I was sad to see you in such a state of late. I was not expecting that and it was hard and I was at a loss as to what to say or do. You are a dam fine woman And no matter what the XH does with...how to you call her? TPT? You are the real queen and she is....well not even worth mentioning. I saw a post in the instagram world that applies here. It was a pic of a man and woman kissing with a guy behind them jumping for joy. The caption was, "When your ex finally moves on and starts ruining someone elses life." LOL. Just a slight perspective shift for some of us and we will feel more at peace. Woefully you won't be away to long as I always appreciate you and what you have brought to my life in these times.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Solid Heart, your words are solid and your heart is gold! You inspire me to keep DBing even tho I am technically piecing. I try and see DB as a way of life and I am no where near mastery!
Your thread has me thinking a lot this evening and I thank you. I will not hijack your thread but I am thinking a lot about how being an introvert (H) vs extrovert (me) leads to communication problems and to some extent the breakdown of our M in the past. Perhaps we all should explore that in our own sitch and what we can and cannot control.
More later.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
When I am asked why she is not starting college, I respond, "Because she is getting an education. " wink She loves the opportunity and is doing well.
I really admire young people who are not afraid to strike it out on their own and not buy into the mentality that you have to go directly to college after HS. Digital marketing is huge - for my business, it is make or break. She could wind up being very successful on her own terms.
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Her story was that 7 and a half years ago, she had been married about 10 years, had 2 small daughters and was working with her husband in a couple of small businesses. She then shared how she remembers it like yesterday. It was the end of a long work day and her H needed his phone. She went to grab it for him, so he could finish up something on the computer. As she grabbed the phone a message on the screen caught her attention. It said, "I love you and I can't wait to see you." She had not sent this text to her husband. sick He left the next day to hook up with an old GF from high school. She was left with her daughters, over 40000 dollars in debt from the businesses and a broken heart. Not even 1 minute to Db is she wanted to. Do you know what she did next? Yup, set up the thriving professional coaching business that she runs and is on the top of the world. Single mom. Debt out of her ears. On her own. She overcame the BD. I can overcome it. And each of you LBS reading this sure as heck can as well. You simply have to want to.
I mean, that's an inspiring story and everything - but I'm pretty sure that there was much more to the story and she took him to court to get as much money as she could. Good story though, I'm sure starting a successful business is enough of a challenge as it is.
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The day after my B day, I was getting ready to go to church and then just broke down and cried. Came out of no where and I could not put my thumb on exactly what the trigger or cause was. I was able to pull myself together, but ended up just staying in all day and relaxing.
You go around putting on a brave face and a cheerful attitude for the world for however long, and that takes effort. Sometimes it's too much and you just have to let your guard down and be human. Everyone on this board has been there.
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They fight on the phone when d18 does not jump at everything her mom wants. And when I say fight, I mean, D18 sticks to the boundaries and consequences and her mother kicks, screams throws out guilt trips, hangs up and refuses to acknowledge d18 saying I love you mom, and does not ever say she loves d18.
You reap what you sow. If your wife is not acting like a loving and mature parent, then your D18, who is almost an adult, will treat her as she deserves.
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STBX was snappy about this a couple of weeks ago, because her L told her they needed the proposed holiday schedule.
It enrages me that the lawyers get so involved as to make demands about our personal lives like this. I absolutely detest all 'family law' lawyers at this point. Vultures.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
It has been a nice weekend. D6 just adds so much joy and happy to me and my humble abode. I know she is out of sorts with the current situation, but she sets the example for knowing that joy and peace are a choice and come from within. She stays in the moment and is thankful for what she has. She may bug me to death at the store about getting her this or getting her that, but she is never angry or sad if and more often than not when I do not provide for her requests. She still loves me just the same and will giggle and tease me and give me hugs and smiles and tell me she knows how it makes me and her happy. She works to understand the time and days that she will be with her mother and with me and looks forward to each, while enjoying the moments with each.
How often do we hear, that we should look to children to re learn the simple lessons in life that bring comfort and joy? I am now beginning to understand the wisdom in this.
D18 has been on a path that is headed straight to success in so many things. Since her breakdown a couple of weeks back she has implemented a plan to be more aware of her self and her inner feelings. She has created opportunities for herself to fail and succeed in several aspects of her life such as professionally, personally, socially and with her family. Her part time job has become full time and her young boss is teaching her the ropes as it relates to running a business. She has taken control of her social situations by pushing herself to meet new people, being aware of her own projections of loneliness or discomfort. She studies it, applies it, learns from it and pushes on. She came home early from church today and told me we needed to talk. She said that this morning she was feeling the need to manage her time in a way that would ensure time with her sister, with her dad and with her mother. She felt this was being lost in her busy schedule. At church there was a lesson on the value of time with family and so she felt that she needed to do something about it. She came home, shared with me and asked if we could set up a schedule/plan to help her. She is doing well and has been in a peaceful and calm state daily since that evening.
The examples of my children bring such great joy to me and to be honest, sometimes have me asking what I ever did to deserve such wonderful little people to be be placed in my charge and care to raise..... God is good to me. In spite of the challenges I have faced, I must push forward and make something of all of it, so it is not for nothing.
D18 spent Saturday morning with her mother . She said she had a nice time. Later she shared some concerns and they are the following. Her mother is struggling she says. She crashed her car. She hates her job and does not know what to do as she has to stay for many more years to get the retirement. She has no friends and spends most free time with her brother. Many of her supporters from her decision to divorce have fallen off. She spends her money to "decorate" her small rental home and other frivolous things. She complains that her garden keeps dying. And the most bizarre update is that her mom sleeps with pepper spray as she is afraid. She told D18 that a car drove up late one night and parked in front of her house with the headlights on and sat there for 20 minutes or so. They then took out a phone and took a picture and drove off.
My heart breaks. It breaks, because this was a happy go lucky woman for so many years and now she is angry, bitter, scared, sad, paranoid even and yet she is doing very little for her self. I know. I should not worry about her. My concern for her is not to get her back, not to do anything for her per se, but it is simply that of a person that feels sad for another that I know. She is the mother of my children and to hear the sadness in d18's voice even when she is frustrated with her mothers behavior just tears at me some.
Friday as I picked up d6, I was in the school parking lot and she brought her out to me. This was the moment that I noticed the great effort she has put into avoiding contact with me. With no where or one to look at, she ensured that she did not look at me, acknowledge me nor respond to my pleasantry of "hello". She stood in front of me and spoke with D6 as if I was not there.
This got me to thinking about how so many LBS comment on how they wish they could detach from the WAS/WS the way they have detached from us.
The STBXW is not detached from me. Far too many of her emotions are focused on me.
She makes great efforts to harbor anger, resentment, and many other negative emotions towards me. She asks D18 and D6 many questions about what I do and comments negatively about all of it. She is in pain and much of it is self inflicted. I see now that the many years of her complaining about co workers, family members or acquaintances were all red flags. she gossiped and spoke poorly of these folks. I thought it was just the venting of a person to a person in confidence. It was not. It was poor emotional habit that has become a reality or her. Now I am the central figure in her poor habit. This is what unhealthy attachment can look like.
I pray for her, because I am truly at a place, where I wish her the best. No one deserves to be so miserable. No one.
Don't get me wrong. I have my moments of frustration and anger. But I identify these as my own demons. She no longer has those puppet strings. I pray for her. I forgive her I love her. I am moving forward without her I hope she can find peace Her daughters deserve to have a mother that can be peaceful and in a good place.
This update is a bit longer than planned.....but in line with my wordiness and inner random run away thoughts......
I am in a good place of calm. I seek to identify the road I will travel. I am focused on the love and care of my 2 daughters. I am focused on my success as it relates to profession, mission in life, opportunity to help others and to create some chapters in my story that I will look back on with pride....not regret.
Sleep well all those that read this and those that are of my tribe and great support here in this community.
“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. ”James Allen
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am reposting this wise thought from my friend Ripe. Life energy and the control we have can make the difference in overcoming the darkness........
Originally Posted By: Originally Posted By: From the thread of Ripe on 9 8 2016
"Life is for You
When you learn how to be curious about what is going on inside of you, you discover the ability to meet whatever you are experiencing without turning it into a problem. You can then give the energy that was bound up in your struggles the attention and the spaciousness it needs in order to let go. This brings you back to the free-flowing aliveness that you truly are – the field of your being. In order to be curious about what is going on rather than always trying to control it, it is important to know that your life is for you. Life is not just a random series of events that happen because you did it right or you did it wrong. Instead, it is an intelligent unfolding that is revealing itself to you all day long, bringing you step-by-step from unconsciousness to consciousness. Or as Eckhart Tolle says, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I like the new tone to your posts. Stuck you are no longer. (My best Yoda attempt). I like your support network/fanclub too.
I have a few thoughts about one paragraph in all your recent long posts. I am reducing my time on this site so I won't be able to discuss all your great ponderings. Keep pondering and keep sharing. I like reading your s tuff.
Anyway I wanted to chat about the recent conversation between your W and D18. Although it is probably not the case, I would be concerned about your D being a sounding board for the woes of two divorcing parents.I think it us great ye both can discuss such things with her. Your D has a lot on her plate and seems to be a caring compassionate young adult. As such she may want to try solve yer problems. She has enough on her plate. You sound like a great dad, so this probably didn't need to be said, but just looking out for you and yours.
As for the content of your W's revelations to D, honestly I think it is great. Leaving you has not improved her life. If anything made it worse. Maybe she us still blaming you but now her happiness has nothing to do with you. She realises that she isn't happy. Given time she will surely realise YOU are not, he cause. That can take a long time but could be starting to happen.
These revelations to D could be for a multitude of reasons including trying to connect with her D. It could also just be a pity party. But maybe.....just maybe...... it was her way of communicating her current feelings to you. She surely knew D would tell you.
I don't want you to dwell on this and definitely don't over analyse it. I thought it merited to be highlighted as those words have often being said by the WAS at their turning point.
I like also that you felt empathy for W without wanting to help/fix her. Stay your path. Concentrate on you.
I know you are no longer waiting for or even wanting a turn around from her. But by mentioning my thoughts I wanted you to give a little thought to this eventuality. I reiterate it could be a long time if ever coming, but maybe being fore warned could help you consider and reconsider your stance/viewpoint.
I am a strong believer in not stressing about crossing bridges that may never come up. But I also believe there is no need to burn such bridges. As long as they remaking intact, we can choose whether we cross them or even approach them again.
I'll take one of those coaching sessions off of your hands!! Joking aside it is great to have two in your pocket for whenever you may need them.
Before going I would echo many posters here on your being a good dad. I don't know many parents who's 18 year old can talk to them about their inner worries and demons.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
You're sort of a natural born DBer! I love how you reach out to help others. I look forward to shaking your hand someday too, although giving you a hug is more my style! 
