You should check out Eric's post Struggling with Hope. from Feb 2010. That's where Eric wanted to throw his computer and kill me. You'll also see just how far we all have come since then. We are all better people for this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
PS - Cadet - if you are reading this and have any way of contacting dream I noticed that his/her last post was on my thread where it could have been construed that I was upset with him/her. If you can get a message out can you please extend my apologies and thanks for past kindnesses?
Sorry I do not have any way to contact dream.
But I am sure he will be OK and I am sure he is not upset with you.
Also it does not look like he has been on the forum for about 10 days so maybe he is on summer vacation, and like I said he will accept your apology(I think).
On my way home last night I passed by W's house and saw OM'so truck there I believe and a large enclosed trailer. W'so vehicle was not there but the outside light was on as is her habit when she is out.
I feel like confronting her and asking if she has finally made a choice. She may not know that I know where she is.
I went to bed and am writing this 6 hours later. I will probably be driving by there later this morning to get groceries.
Not sure what to do. I'm not sure what I feel.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank pinn. Normally I would consider that to be the "right" advice as to help me detach. I'm worried that in this case that if she "is" moving in with OM that I don't want to be blind-sided.
Last night I actually started walking out to her house to check more closely what was going on but stopped before I got off my property.
If she does move in with OM I'm wondering what my next steps need to be. Since BD1 I've been composing a "separation announcement" that would probably be a hugely bad idea to post to Facebook.
Originally Posted By: Phantom Bad Idea (?) Posting
It is with great sadness that I am letting you all know that [tag spouse name here] and I are now separated. Since she told me on my birthday in March that she was leaving through April when I found out that her heart had been stolen away to July when she walked out of our home to now I have fought to understand and to reclaim her love. Her love however never came back and now she is gone. My heart has a large hole in it. Please give us some time and space to heal.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Do you not have another route that you can take? If so, start taking it. As for confronting your wife...do not do it. You are hurt, angry and upset and nothing is gained by confronting her, especially if you are emotional. Remember, you are separated, as well as the fact that you can't control what she does. She is an adult and she is going to make a lot of mistakes along the way and the only way that she's going to learn is to hit that brick wall until she gets it.
Leave her alone. Keep the focus on you. Take those emotions you are feeling and put them to good use...do some yard work, take long walk, go to the gym, i.e., do something physical that will help alleviate those feelings, but the one thing you should not do right now is confront her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Put the 48-72 hr rule in full effect. You are understandably in an emotionally charged place right now. Don't let your emotions rule the day. Most of us understand exactly where you are right now. Don't do anything for a few days.
And yes, that FB broadcast seems like a terrible idea.
I am 100% agreement w/pinn. Don't do or say one thing about what she's doing. As for the FB broadcast...NO!!!!! That is a terrible, terrible idea. Just leave her be.
Keep the focus on you. Follow the 48-72 rule and definitely find another route to take. Come here to vent, it's the safest place for you right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The Facebook thing is just something I toy with in my mind when I'm hurting and have done so since BD1. No matter how "nice" I may try to make the words come out there is no way that I can write anything like that publicly and not have it be taken wrong especially by S22/D24. There have been some very nasty other versions too. The best thing is to maintain my silence and if the S / D ever comes to light to be polite and ask people to give us room to heal. I also occasionally see notices in the classified section of the paper where people will announce that they are no longer to be held accountable for the debts of their S - again a really bad idea for me at this point. It hurts to not lash out at someone who is hurting me though.
I would hope that W will have the courage to tell me and others if she does move in with OM. If she is just moving to another more permanent spot that's "fine" and it would be reasonable that OM would be helping her. According to my SIL her facebook feed has been completely silent for many days too. Perhaps she's getting her sh!t together and not staring into mirrors - but perhaps not. Being NC I can't tell.
On the canoe trip it was difficult because a number of my cousins were asking after her because she wasn't there. I just replied that it would have been something she would have enjoyed but she had to work (truth). Every time I would see a heron or an interesting feature I would think that W would have enjoyed I thought of her and was tempted to reach out but mostly I was able to enjoy the clop of water under the hull of my boat and being surrounded nature. I did visit a fair bit with my oldest brother and SIL1 but had to paddle away from them for a break a couple of times when they would start talking about how the future for me will be so much brighter than the present. True words perhaps but I am so focused on the "now" and just getting through one day at a time that thinking about the future overwhelms me still because it is so uncertain.
I do think that I "will" stick to my usual route in for groceries taking as detached an attitude as I can. If she "is" moving that's just one fact that I can know. I can't know the destination unless she tells me. More importantly to me I feel that I need to reclaim my surroundings and not be hiding from W or places associated with her. Not that I'm going to be seeking her out - far from it. I will continue to avoid contact but I feel that I need to not let my fear of seeing her keep me from living my life as freely as possible. Once I can do that without fear (not there yet) then I will be better detached.
A question for the "vets" such as yourself job. I can understand thanks to the patience with my first blast of questions that W is keeping things quiet while she is still confused. Is it reasonable of me to think that she could go as far as moving in with OM and starting a life with him and still keep everything quiet? In her "before" life while she was naturally a very private but extroverted individual (the opposite of me) she would be open and celebrate life events on Facebook and certainly let her friends know including those who aren't in on her "secrets". Her silence and the maintenance of the facade is a crumb of hope that I cling to but also worry that behind that facade is a whole new life being built that will be revealed all at once in a blast.
Finally - I've been practicing with the thoughts that Jack and eric were so kind as to give me as coping tools. When I was feeling lost yesterday I would remind myself that I am the 1 best choice for W. And also that I am fighting for and protecting my M and not necessarily W and that I needed to be proud of that and not resentful. It sort of worked - I need more practice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
