Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[Surfer]

There is a big difference between W moving out like mine did and W willing to hang around but tell you it's over and want D. I would love to say that I would have the balls to tell her to leave but push come to shove I don't know that I could. Even knowing like Gump that she is full steam towards D and will move out anyway. It begs one question though if she is full steam ahead with D why hasn't she moved yet? Has she said why she is hanging around?

Yes, I agree, there's is a big difference (see that validating! - didn't even know what validating what 2 years ago!). I had both, W hanging around, telling me it's over spans pushing for a D whilst still at home - living like the mad Aunt in the Attic for 2 years. Any way zoom forward and she leaves. Following a conversation where she says you go or I go. I said, it sounds like a decision for you not me. She went. I get both sides. Lived both. You can't control either. I did tell her if it's that hard whilst I try then leave - several times. Eventually perhaps I did push her? Do I regret that 100% no. It helped my head and e kids - Noel battle ground now though - see my thread for update.

Why is she hanging around? They are defined by 2 things the WW in my opinion, guilt and resentment. Resentment becomes and addictive battle of spitfulness. She tries to engage you in this. As I have been advised by SH, CT et al, stay on track, it's her circus. Don't engage. Guilt is different. If she got, she know it looks wrong to the outside world. Why would a mother leave someone like you. A great dad, definitely not a monster. Perhaps a real catch - give or take normal behaviour. They know it looks like an affair. They k ow the look like a bad mother, slut etc (just paraphrasing). They also want to - you got it, numero uno "Eat cake". It's easier, comfortable, they can spew, get you to engage, help create a story about the monster husband, look like they are justified in leaving. Staying gives them time and money too.

This begs the question would I have left looking back with my time again? No. For the kids and me. They know I have a moral backbone and that she is the once that left, removed the wedding ring and perhaps one day they will work out that she had an EA, if not a PA with at least one man. They will also hopefully know that she put her before the kids and us soooo much.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

this is a one off train

No sh!t!

I am going to open the door and point to if there is even the mildest scent of this sh!t. "Sorry love, take it or leave it, my house, my rules!".

Surfer.

[Surfer]

One quick one not sure if everyone gets the same thoughts as me but when I feel I am starting to spin the wheels and get consumed by it all. I rewind to when we were together, not visions of the good times but the times that lead us to here. I have no illusions things were not great and as we both were it was never going to work. I have worked on me but she at the moment she is just trying to push her problems aside. If she doesn't want to work on her then we will never work.

Okay, here's my take on a response to this. I do get such thoughts. I think it wasn't always bad was it? Then I think, yes, my W has always been a bit of a nutter. She has just got worse. A lot. She won't work on her as she thinks she is doing the right thing, IMHO. I am starting to think the only answer is to let her go and think - it might of cost me an awful lot of money, but hey, no more madness. Don't know. Still in the same boat as all of you. Give less of a sh!t.

She said something today, I validated what she said (I was wrong again for a change - yawn!). Something tiny - probably never happened. She said, "is that it no apology?". I just said, "yeah, looks like it".

Mental?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So ask yourself the question do you think 100% that you are DBing because you really want you W or because you don't want to start again and don't want to take family away from your children. I'm just asking the question because for myself I can't answer it

I can answer this. Your motives move with your feelings. Sometimes, you do it for love, sometimes for the love of your kids. Sometimes for financial reasons (fear), sometimes through anger - I'll show her stuff. You are allowed to have emotions. It's alright people sitting in Their ivory towers of peace being all zen like - but don't forget even the vets were in the eye of the storm for a good while whilst the shook with fear and get and confusion. Personally, though I do wonder if you really do have to turn off all feelings and contact (as much as poss)? But be with the kids as much as poss?

It's interaction with WW that pulls at your emotional strings. They try to make you join their circus. It's like they pop in, re- attach strings and make you dance like a puppet. Perhaps I am going to treat her like the pope treats the lepers - great PR stunt but please only once a year guys and only, and I am not getting too close!

Surfer

[Surfer]

'Fear and doubt'

[Surfer]

So I guess my point is as hard as it is to swallow, I need to turn my ego off for a second and realize that right this minute as things stand I am far better off without my W. It hurts for sure but it is the only way.

Your WW definitely. But who you thought your W was, I would say no. You fell in love with someone who she can be - problem is she doesn't want to play that character anymore. Perhaps she never will. So if that is the case, you are probably right I would say. But I am with Sandi on this. Unless they feel they have lost it all, what is the motive to change? Check out all that cake.....

Surfer.

[ForGump]

what specifically you are not buying into about what Surfer said b/c of your kids?

He's been saying let her go. I agree, and I think I'm letting her go.

He's also said, "Life is better separate." And I agree, the best chance for our R improving -- if at all -- is for us to be separate.

It just doesn't feel like it's the best thing for my kids right now. Yes, things are very cool and distant between me and my W as we live together. But we do not fight at all, and we coordinate daily activities smoothly. So, from the kids perspective, splitting up the family will be a bewildering, confusing shake-up to their stable world.

I can't get over that. But I think I'm slowly getting there.

[Surfer]

ForGump,

Don't even pay attention to 'it' (a potential separation). If it happens it does. Your R won't get worse. Just need to make sure you both act as good parents either way.

Surfer.

[Coly23]

Gumbo, this is one of the hardest descisions you will have to make but you need to do what feels right for you and your kids. However if D does happen don't you think this will shake up their stable world even more?

I'm just thinking about your wellbeing and state of mind at the moment and how much stronger you will have to be for your kids if D does happen. It's not fair that she wants the D but you still have to make all the difficult decisions....

[RSG]

This is so well said. I'll come back to this when I have time, but this is so important to think about. I'm in this for a multitude of reasons, and they're intertwined. The thing about kids is, at least for me, really a paradox. My S is the reason I really got in gear and decided to fight for my marriage. But if I didn't have a child, I think my W and I wouldn't have lost focus on ourselves and let things deteriorate to the rate they did.

Again, this was a great post and I'll come back to it....