I know that I can't fix her but worry a lot that she may think that she's "burned her boats" as far as coming home goes.
Yet you still try imo. Your worry is the result of you trying mind reading and (this is where you are suppose to fill in the blank – why are YOU really worried?)
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She also I feel wants to be the victim and martyr here and has in the past pushed me to kick her out and to find someone new.
Mindreading. As for wanting to find someone new. Do you think she wanted to have a crisis?
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I also worry that she's been waiting for "me" to reach out to "her". She also I believe (mind-reading!) wants to not trust me. So - I added a bit on to the already un-necessary letter.
There is the YOU are worried again…
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I told her that if she wanted to talk about anything that I would be happy to listen.
Do you REALLY think that she does not already know that? I suspect that she does. Why not just TRUST that when and IF SHE wants to talk that she will. Or is as Jack mentioned….you really just have no control.
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I concluded with "Please know that you can continue to trust me and I work every day to be deserving of that trust."
Ummm…have you read the part on these boards that talks about DETACHMENT? Cause this is not it. Can you see that by suggesting that she should “CONTINUE” to trust you….that you implied that maybe she was okay with NOT TRUSTING you. “I work everyday to be deserving of that trust”….. ACTIONS buddy speak much louder than words. As some would say around here….ya cannot talk your way out of HER crisis.
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A small PS was added with an apology "for being abrupt with you when I was confronted with something that caused me a great deal of fear for you."
I actually think that YOU are the one that is more fearful and that the above statement is an attempt to project that fear on her. Why?
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I'm giving her her space and distance but reminding her that the path home is still there if she wants it but that the next move needs to be her's.
Honestly…this ^^^ is not space. Why do feel the need to “remind her”, why do you feel the need to let her know the path home is still there? I think I know the answer. Psst…starts with F and ends with an R.
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She probably already "knows" all of this and perhaps I've set her "back" knowing that she can continue to do whatever she wants.
If you felt she knew all this – then why remind her. Why do you FEEL that YOUR actions or lack of ACTIONS can set her “back”? She is grown women.
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I still haven't gotten the hang of Minute Rice but haven't starved to death yet - my weight loss continues though.
You’ll get better at the whole cooking thing in time. Just ask Jack who make an interesting Spanish Pork dish with rice and beans using spanish seasoning. Righ Jack  Kudos on the weight loss.
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The sort of things you are interested in though - I'm continuing to reconnect with my own family, trying to improve my focus at work and last weekend I overcame my reluctance to go to a particular nature area because it was one of W's alibi stories for meeting with OM. I had a nice walk there and got some great photos. It feels good to have that part of the world that I enjoy no longer be a "taboo" place for me.
I was acutally looking for something a bit deeper…like what are the things that YOU do not like about Andrew. Not what things Andrew wants to change to get HER back – nope – what do YOU really want to work on.
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but now that I've done that I feel better knowing that I've done all that I can and the next steps are clearly up to her.
Wrong IMO. 1) You just started and 2) the NEXT STEPS are really up to YOU. I mentioned before….YOU and YOU alone determine when it is time to get off the rollercoaster. That is not be confused with moving on or getting D’ed.
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I can't say as I'm trying to "control" her. I've never been able to do that.
I would disagree. Replace the word control with manipulate and you did something EXPECTING a response of some sort.
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I'm a big fan of the story of Don Quixote and have a small sculpture of him on my desk. Ignoring the madness and windmills I regard him as a model of honour, virtue and duty. No matter the cost he was always true to what he believed in and loyal to his Dulcinea. I remember telling this to W about a month after BD2 and we both had tears in our eyes. There's a parallel here because Dulcinea was the daughter of the local farmer and not the picture of beauty that Don Quixote carried in his heart. What I'm trying to do is to be true to the man I am and the honour and duty that I feel bound by and the love I have for a woman who I've always known isn't perfect but whom I adored.
Can you RESPECT her choice and really leave her be to live HER CHOICES – even if you do not agree?
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In DB terms I was sending the message that she may have "lost" me.
Why would you send this message (see above….honour and duty…)?
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I know that she's traveling her own path and I need to travel mine and I hope I can be forgiven for being terrified that she may think that there are no paths forward for her that lead to me. I will confess that part of the purpose of the letter was to prompt W to reach out to me if she was ready for that. I need to not be waiting by the phone expecting a call because it may not be happening any time soon or perhaps not at all.
As Cadet would say….Trust the process. Stop trying to CONTROL the sitch. You can’t. Stop trying to manipulate a response from her. Just stop. Take all of this energy and FOCUS on YOU. I’m logging off for the day but will be check on you tomorrow.
Chin up.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Andrew, Unless you have an absolute emergency, do not contact your wife again. If the boxes are still on the porch, she will either come by and pick them up or they will remain there until they rot...unless, of course, you put them in storage somewhere, pay the monthly rental and then give her the key and rental info.
As for leaving the door open for her to return...she already knows that you love her and you would like for her to return to the relationship....no need to continue driving this point home.
We are all fixers here and we are always attempting to fix thems for them. It took me a while to understand that I couldn't fix my xh's problems...he had to do it himself. You will get this message loud and clear as you walk your own path. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The only person you can fix and/or control is yourself.
The best thing you can do is leave her alone, give her the much needed time and space to figure things out. The more you try to hammer things home to her, the more she's going to pull away.
Keep the focus on you for now. I know it's difficult to do, but her journey is her own to take and yes, that includes making mistakes along the way. How else will she learn how to grow up and accept responsibilities if "dad" is always there to take care of things for her? Besides, the contact you make w/her is a distraction for her and one that continues to keep her focused on you...she needs to be focusing on herself for a good while. Your journey is also one of self discovery. Use the gift of time (as Cadet says) wisely. This is your opportunity to do the things you've put off doing for years and yes, even learn some new things not only hobbies but about yourself as well.
If she contacts you, be civil, i.e., just as you would to a long lost cousin. Keep your contact to a minimum unless it's an absolute emergency and that means not making up excuses to contact her. She's not stupid, she knows exactly what you are doing.
So, what's on your agenda for the week besides work?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Believe me you'll shock the [censored] out of her one day, or impress someone else. You already have most of this in your house. Or should.
1/4 cup all-purpose flour for coating 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - pounded 1/4 inch thick VERY IMPORTANT 4 tablespoons butter 4 tablespoons olive oil 1 cup sliced mushrooms 1/2 cup Marsala wine (turns out the cooking marsala tastes the best)
In a shallow dish or bowl, mix together the flour, salt, pepper and oregano. Coat chicken pieces in flour mixture.
In a large skillet, melt butter in oil over medium heat. Place chicken in the pan, and lightly brown. Turn over chicken pieces, and add mushrooms. Pour in wine and sherry. Cover skillet; simmer chicken 10 minutes, turning once, until no longer pink and juices run clear.
Let me know how this turns out. This recipe has over 3,000 reviews and a rating of 4.5 stars. So its a damn good recipe and very very easy to make.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Why do feel the need to “remind her”, why do you feel the need to let her know the path home is still there? I think I know the answer. Psst…starts with F and ends with an R.
You know - it took me two tries to get the answer to that. And it's bang on correct.
Originally Posted By: job
Andrew, Unless you have an absolute emergency, do not contact your wife again. <snip> We are all fixers here and we are always attempting to fix thems for them. It took me a while to understand that I couldn't fix my xh's problems...he had to do it himself. You will get this message loud and clear as you walk your own path. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The only person you can fix and/or control is yourself. <snip> So, what's on your agenda for the week besides work?
Message received. This is the first communication of this sort that I've sent W in the almost 6 weeks since she left and yes, I need to not do this again. I still feel better for having done it though even though it may have done "harm" and pushed her away I've now gotten it off my chest and can look myself in the mirror and say that I've done everything possible - even if it was perhaps misguided.
Work is going to be a priority for me. It's been languishing since BD1 and I've not been feeling good about that. It's time to get my pride back, focus on the details that can make this company successful again and make a difference. I also need to stop being a "sad sack" around here. A lot of people are very concerned about me.
On the other hand I've reached out to the place I interviewed at at the start of the month. They still haven't made a decision so a gentle nudge has been given.
Wednesday I need to get my ironing done that I didn't do yesterday. I find that mindless mechanical tasks that require attention to detail calm me except since move-out where I'm too jumpy to focus. I need to find that calm again. I'll also do some preparation for the canoe trip this coming weekend. I haven't had my canoe out in about 6 years so finding all the bits and bobs and setting up the car will be necessary.
Thank you again eric and job for your time and your thoughtful comments. I know I have a long way to go on my own journey and I appreciate having people like yourselves to act as guides. The whacks with the wiffle bats were well aimed and hit their targets well.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I want to hear how you do w/the recipe that Jack provided. Don't be afraid to try new recipes and you might be pleasantly surprised at how well you do in the cooking arena.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know you said to Jack that you know you can't control your W.
Knowing it and trying to do it are two different things.
While your well intended letter was heartfelt, it was controlling.
Not directly but indirectly because you chose to insert yourself into her world even though she hasn't invited you there. Because you don't want her to forget about you.
Believe me, she hasn't.
Control is a complex issue.
I want you to think about something...
You repeatedly have said now that you sent her that communication you can move forward because you know you have at least put it out there...
Until the next time that you feel she may need the reminder again or have one more thing that you want her to know...
This is actually a dangerous pattern for you to begin for you. It won't allow you to truely detatch...
I rarely post links...
This song was released in 2001. For some reason, it seemed to always be playing on the radio in 2007-2008, my DB days...we get messages however we will hear them...
Listen to the words...really listen to the story...
For me, initially it was a very sad/happy song of reconciliation. As I thought about the lyrics and the story...it became a perfect example of detatchment, loving from afar, living life, and moving forward while keeping the door open. All these years later, it is a lesson in faith and reminder of where I came from.
When I was in the trenches...a lot of people who were here (especially the men) seemed to think that they had to stop loving their spouse if the relationship was over. That isn't the case. When someone dies do you stop loving them? It just becomes a private feeling that you keep in your heart.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
That is an excellent song and a good example of how the man continued moving forward, but left the door open. It was and still is my all time favorite of Blake Shelton's.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job - I will give Jack's recipe a try at some point. I'm actually a fairly good cook mainly in stews and casseroles which suit my single life fairly well. I'm currently working though the big freezer to eat down the food I have so it's going to be pork chops and hamburgers for a while. Around BD1 I started having to rely on myself for meals more and more so I've got a fair bit of practice. Even though it was a long time ago I was single for about 6 years before meeting W and managed rather well. I will admit that I need to expand my repertoire.
I just can't get the hang of Minute Rice for some reason. I even tried following the instructions and that didn't help either. People who have followed my sitch may be shocked that I actually read the instructions on something first
I make myself a substantial hot breakfast every day and after BD2 my healthy lunch - which is the same as what W used to make for me. I eat the lunch in two parts one right now (before noon) and the other around tea-time. I'm one of those people who can eat pretty much the same thing every day. Given the length of my day when I get home around 7:15 I usually just have a snack. My current calorie count on days that I travel in to work is about 1400 which is why the weight keeps coming off.
I'll take myself out to dinner once a week usually either alone or with a friend and so that leaves 2 "dinners" that I make. It's going to be a "looong" time before I get through the freezer especially once I tackle some of the whole chickens I have down there. S22 and I talked about it and first roasted chicken, then slice for sandwiches and boil the bones and make stew freezing it in individual servings.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Another chicken dish that might come in handy is chicken pot pie. It's easy to make and it has your chicken and vegetables all rolled up into a pie crust and bake for a bit.
I'm sure that you and your S22 will become great chefs as you travel the path. You've got a lot of food and time to experiment. Well, don't feel bad about Minute Rice...I had issues w/that myself.
No, I'm not shocked that you actually read the instructions. Some people do and others don't, but you don't strike me as the type not to read things over before trying things.
So...enjoy cooking and experimenting. Life is all about experimenting and trying new things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
