Cherry, h is filing. Working on me

[CT1118]

All I know is that he seems a very disturbed individual right now and that it's a bit too toxic to have myself sucked into.

Now that is a profound statement. Sublime even. Yeah, great insight Cherry.

And you are right. He won't care about learning and he is like a teenager.

[Zues126]

I'll have a look at that, thank you. I doubt he would do any kind of reading. Everything he seems to see as a bid to get him back and lashes out. If I'd of heard him refer to remaining married to me as ruining his life, to my face, I think he would now be nursing a broken nose. He's like a teenage brat now lashing out and spewing at everyone.

Careful Cherry.

I wouldn't share anything like this with him. First, I would consider this umbrella'd under Sandi's 3rd rule, not trying to get your WAS to read relationship material. Oh, I understand it isn't relationship material, it's 'only' a study about how people make decisions. But it's crystal clear that you would be referring to his choice to divorce.

The reason this is a rule is that it will only backfire. It is the opposite of validating, you are basically saying he has lost his mind and shouldn't listen to his own feelings. It is also controlling and attached, the motive would be to try to get him to change his behavior so he acts the way you'd like him to, hoping he somehow 'comes out of the fog' and turns back towards the marriage. Controlling behavior and diminishing his feelings just pours gas on the fire. Look at how he reacted to his mother, and she's not even the one he's angry at!

One ultra important DB message is 'actions, not words'. Whatever we wish to tell our WAS, whether it is about boundaries, our personal growth, whatever...we have to demonstrate it with our actions. Talking about it does more harm than good.

Honestly it would do more good for you to read "how it feels to be a MLC" or "Why I needed to get divorced" articles. Maybe that would help you get through your anger for him, or help you focus on the things you regret in your M so you can try to 180 and avoid reacting with anger (I've read several of your threads and haven't seen any talk of 180s or mistakes in the M). Reading things that support your own view won't help you learn and grow, and sharing it with him will just remind him that 'you're unwilling to change'.

OK, you get it. I don't think you were going to share it with him, I just had to talk about it just in case.

Painter, I think it's possible that if you had the right relationship with WAH at the right time it might be possible to let him see this article without being controlling or judgmental or anything like that...but it would take a special circumstance and dynamic for that to be casual and non-judgmental. When the LBS is seething with anger I don't think the time is right. I would guess your exchange with WAH was done during a period when you were almost entirely detached, minimal anger, and where you had zero expectations for how he'd respond to the article. Maybe I'm wrong. But Cherry is far from that point.

[Cherry]

Zeus, don't worry- I know not to show him anything kind of r related or even direct him in any kind of route to show him that I think he isn't thinking straight. I've read up quite a lot of validation, so I have made sure that all recent r conversations he has started, that I have made sure I haven't cut him up or not heard him out. I've allowed him to talk through his feelings, and whilst I haven't agreed I've listened and give a validation statement which acknowledges that his feelings are his own and that I have heard him. This is a 180 on my half as before, I would have argued it out with him, or told him what I think about his actions. I've been working on this for a good while, so some behaviours I had long since cut. After developing pnd after I had my last child- I realised I had lost all confidence, and become completely codependent, and very emotional. It took me quite a while to curb the codependency and lack of confidence- but this is something I had been working on a good while so was not even an issue. The showing emotions, eg crying had been a difficult one to tackle, being pregnant I'm quite full of emotions, but I'm getting there.
The only issue he had consistently threw at me was that he couldn't talk about something without me linking it to how I was feeling. This is something that I have consciously tried not to do, and although I've not had many conversations with him, this is something I could practice in every day conversations with other people.

[Cherry]

Today has been much of the same. Saw wh briefly this morning as he went to spend the day "out with friends". The second he leaves, I deal with the toddler meltdown of "daddy's gone", I can't get angry when he starts having these tantrums as I know it's just his way of showing his emotions. Quite a day of throwing up non stop so we stayed home. Wh wasn't home by evening so made food for S and put him to bed. Once again we had tears of "daddy's gone". When I voiced my concerns about this to him again recently, it got with "well what's he going to do when I move". That I don't know, but he is not concerned, it will be something I will have to try and navigate through- I'm just not quite sure how. Put S to bed, and now all I want to do is be sick. It's hard to try and appear im holding things together and appear confident and happy, when sat on the bathroom floor with zero energy, and just wanting to curl up for a very long time. Okay, I know I'm having a pity party right now- but some days are just really hard to get through whilst holding it together for my s. I know single moms do this all the time, all I can say is I have big respect for keeping things together when working through a high risk pregnancy with a toddler and no father figure around

[Coly23]

Oh Cherry, you are allowed to have as many pity parties as you like! Hopefully as you are getting to your 12 week mark your sickness will subside, or did you continue to have sickness through your first pregnancy? I hope not, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I don't know how our H's can be so insensitive. I remember my H telling my D after he moved out not to worry as she will get used to it! I was so angry with him I would have punched he if he was in the same room!

[Cherry]

I'm 12 weeks now, so I'm hoping I'll turn a corner soon. I had hyperemsis gradivarium last time too- was sick right up until I had him. I've already been hospitalised more times this pregnancy than the last. But here's hoping I'll turn a corner soon.

I'm not too sure how that happens neither. There is honestly no knowing what they think or wether they even believe the things that they are saying

[Phoebe]

Cherry, you are one kick-ass woman. Managing everything you do while dealing with a difficult pregnancy? Amazing. I am behind on your stitch, and I'm sorry that I haven't been keeping up this last week. Know that I am out here, across the pond, pulling for you every single day.

I think that WSs are too involved in their own lives while in the thick of their crises to even really consider the wreckage they are leaving behind. Maybe someday they will figure it out, maybe not. It doesn't matter because it doesn't change a single thing that we need to do ourselves, which is to figure out a way to live our own lives to the fullest, either with or without them.

I understand that one would think that they'd at least be sensitive to their own children, but I think that this is all part of their crisis. They need to create distance from every part of their lives, including their own little ones, in order to go forward with what they are doing. It's sad, but all the more reason why it's important to take the focus totally off the WS and put it on what matters most - your family unit, be it a single unit, or an extended family unit (like myself), or a parent-child(ren) unit.

You are an amazing woman, Miss C. You've got this!

((((((((((Cherry))))))))))

[Cherry]

I can't help but feel I'm in a bit of a hopeless situation. I don't have much to work with. Speaking with others and there db coaches suggestion to strike a friendship with their spouse; I did this the first time round when I was successful- I gave him glimpses of the woman he met- and I believe that brought us closer. Right now, it's all very seperate, there is zero interaction between us. He's rarely home, and if he is, it's usually a flying visit before he goes elsewhere. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern where we have no communication and lead completely seperate lives. Or is this where I should be? Surely there's no chance of reconciliation this way.

I know I should be taking the focus off him in the meantime and concentrate on myself, which I am. I'm keeping busy, I'm seeing people. I'm reading up to make sure I have better skills to listen and validate. I'm looking after myself the best that I can do.

I guess there is just some confusion in the air too, that he appears to want to get the d done as quickly as possible. But yet it seems he still doesn't have a place to move to. He says he's seen some places, but I don't think he has actually viewed any places.

Maybe I'm just trying to fix things that I can't.

[Cherry]

Thank you phoebe for those nice words. I think I expect too much from myself, I think I seem to have it in my head that I should be completely cool about things and getting by while being a social butterfly and a kick a$$ mamasita. I think this goes hand in hand with working on myself, I need to cut me some slack and stop being my harshest critic.

You're right, any conversation he has is about "his happiness" and not "wasting his life anymore" or "ruin his life". That last one did hurt a little, it sounds like the kind of spew a teenager gives when he knocks up his high school gf. I know it's spew, but damn can some of his comments be harsh!

[Cherry]

So I asked him today if he could look after s a while so I can get some things done. He said he would. He then asks for the m certificate, I know he needs this to file. So I said what for, he just ignored me. He didn't even look at me once.

He's just so cold, he's moving full pelt with this and before I know it, I'll be d. He hasn't even moved out and it just seems as though his priority is the d. I know this is so he can do what he likes and feel guilt free.

I don't know how to be in his company. I was upbeat for the few seconds he saw me, but he couldn't even look at me. He's just so shameless. Doing whatever the hell he likes. I went to my room and I've closed the door so I can cry a few tears. I'm contemplating taking the photos of me and him down. I just feel like that part of my life has been a lie, or as though it didn't even happen. He tells me that he is probably going to be there at my scan, that just feels rather bitter sweet, like he's going to be there because he feels obliged to, not because he wants to be.

I know I need to pull myself back up, and I will. And I'll have a pamper or go out for a while. But right now I just need to let this pain out and not bottle it up.