It's as though you hear nothing we say. Stop playing family with her. Stop being her BFF. Stop giving her access to your house. No more home cooked meals. No more spending time together. Stop using the kids as an excuse. Stop inviting her, and stop accepting her invitations. No more telling her where you are going, who you are going with, or what you will be doing. Stay away from her. Heck yeah......distance yourself!
Why don't you start acting as if you are a free agent, and loving it......instead of whining about how you can't say anything to her? Just what do you think you could say that would cause her to call off the D and give the M another chance? Nothing! Your words won't work.
Have we ever heard some of the b.s. your W is throwing at you? You bet! Telling you the vows no longer have meaning for her (which she proved that point by having affairs) and how there needs to be a D and then maybe see where things go.........is junk talk. New vows won't mean any more than the current ones mean.
Yes, we've seen it many times on the board. Your W is no original. We've seen this same scenario so many times, it's not funny. It's her way of giving you false hope.....and keeping you tied to her skirt, for those times she wants to play happy family. You are definitely plan B to whatever better option comes along for her. Just b/c you aren't seeing her plan A, means NOTHING. This is the woman who has always been secretive, remember?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hear what you are saying sandi2 and although I would like a positive outcome for what's left of my family, I am ok. I live my life even though I have thrown myself into my job which takes up a lot of my time, and I see my kids as much as I can. I would like some intimacy with someone but am content to just close my front door and do my own thing or see my friends.
My stbx has made the children her whole life. She is massively involved in everything they do and has no time or desire for anyone new. I don't know what goes on in her head as like you said, she has been secretive in the past and I would never really know what she is doing to boost her ego if at all.
I meet up with her and the kids as, to be honest, it's nice to spend time together. The children enjoy it and I feel good taking them all out for meals and doing fun things. If people were to see us, they would presume we are just a normal healthy family.
My issue is that I struggle with what to do next after the divorce. This crazy idea that we can wipe the slate clean and start again is just weird but seeing that I haven't thought about moving on with anyone else, I am happy to see her next move if there is one.
I do wonder what would have to happen for to react in some way. What I would have to do that doesn't affect the kids to make her get a reality check that would make her do something decisive. I don't mean go and get laid or play games with another woman. Just make her show me her cards so to speak.
As I said, I am ok the way things are right now and my career has really taken off since we separated. But this arrangement can't go on for ever and just distancing myself would mean I see the kids less which I don't want.
She is giving me false hope though and likes to back track when stating something about her life that "things could be different" in X amount of months/ years. She doesn't suspect I would even think of dating due to my work schedule and she is right. I don't want to play games with her but I feel there has to be a way out of this.
sandi2, if she just wants to play happy families when it suits her, how could I still be involved but make her realise that she has lost me? She is a controlling person and I think she feels that she has found a common way for us to co-exist without arguing and being good parents but without actually being together which just doesn't feel right.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Dude, you are spinning and you are all over the place. First of all, you have to relax, calm the fcuk down and breathe. Once you manage that, think of and do ABSOLUTELY nothing else. The answers will come to you...
I've been feeling quite down about things lately, I was doing ok until I met a friend of my stbx who felt sorry for me and couldn't understand why she had left me. It stirred up resentment in me and I have been keeping my distance from her as I no longer know what to say anymore and it brought back memories of our previous separation when she was sleeping around. My stbx sends me messages to see if I am ok, I think she is trying to make conversation as she likes the thought of me being around. I think Christmas and not being involved with the normal family stuff is affecting me too as I am not there. I see the girls but that's about it. The dinners and days out have stopped now and although I cope well, the loneliness is getting to me. I won't be seeing the girls this Christmas as they are going away with their mom and her family so not a great end to an already terrible year.
My stbx has started a new business and is trying to get me to have the kids more but although I love seeing them, I'm not sure I should be so accommodating if she tries to impose them on me as I don't want to be a walk over any longer for my own sanity.
The divorce is still pending due to administrative issues so although we should have been divorced a month ago, I am still stuck in limbo not knowing what to do next. Any ideas how to get through this time?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Because they are your kids and I hope you love them and enjoy them. Your kids are what it is all about in life, they are your kids for the whole of your life.
Time to step up and begin full on dad stuff and have fun with your kids.
That is what you do next, be the best dad you can for you, not to impress WW which is impossible anyway but for your own personal growth and for love of your children.
If you are too wrapped up in WW then these precious souls get lost between a self mother and a failing dad. Sayang you are accommodating her by being a full on dad is self absorption.
Yes I know you are hurting and frankly as far as your kids are concerned that is irrelevant.
Consider this to be more than a 2x4 from V. There are mums dads and even step parents on the board that would bite their own arm off for the opportunity to have their kids as much as possible.
Being a dad is not being a walk over, it's being a dad. Grab every precious and wonderful moment you can and enjoy your children.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You have to take your mind of it and immerse yourself in other stuff. Working out is a great way to fight the blues, hit the gym 3 times a week. You can burn through your anger and sadness, and you will improve your appearance which in turn will boost your confidence. You are cycling, which is normal, esp. around stressor times (xmass,...).
The divorce was made final just before Christmas..was quite a shock for my ex as she hadn't been informed by her lawyer. She wanted us to all go to church together to pray for strength, which is just garbage after what she has done to our family. She says that she is happy that we are friends and that we should be thankful for that although I am grateful that our arrangement keeps me involved with the kids. she feels that everything is still very raw for her and that the last year or so of our marriage was hell. She feels much happier now and that in her mind, we weren't cut out to be an average married couple with arguments and watching tv in the evenings. There is little sign that our relationship will ever improve. I know that she is flirting online again and be it for a fix or whatever, it still hurts and doesn't give me any hope for the future. If anything, I feel like I should be looking at moving on in some way. It's a lonely existence just waiting to see the kids. I see my friends and go to the gym but it isn't the same. I feel trapped in not wanting to unsettle things and at the same time, wanting to run like crazy and look for someone new. I don't even really get breadcrumbs from her anymore so what is left? Is this it? should I just accept that waiting for things to change would take to long?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
You got it backwards mate. You are not waiting for her, you are waiting for you. You have to heal and come to a place of self sufficiency. You have to learn to love being by yourself an being single. Only then can you love other again. When you are needy, you seek out similar people and that is a receipe for disaster. Do not wait around for her, wait for yourself to heal and then flourish. As for standing or not standing and when to stop standing, that is a very iindividual choice to make. You have to ask yourself are aou capable of loving someone else and not hold any grudges?
I know I can't control her and I have no right to even try now that we are divorced. I also accept that I am still in love with her and that is probably why her behaviour hurts so much. I feel like I have always been her plan B. I still have the belief that she will come back once she has stopped fooling around and is ready to work on our relationship. I know I should cut and run but when I see the kids and her, I loose the will to let go.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
