Excile you don't want to get it which is different. It's ok, I didn't want to get it either. The "it" is that they don't have any motivation to change unless we give them some. I am you minus the high paying job. I was always there for my W, I gave her tons of money. She said she is proud of me for my accomplishments, but still didn't want to reconcile. Why? Because she doesn't respect me, because I continue to allow her to play with my feelings and I don't stand up to her. I had to decide what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I decided that I want my family together, but more importantly I want to be a husband and father. My W was ok with me being friend and father. I haven't communicated with my W in 3 days. That is the longest time without communication that we have ever had, why? Because I don't want a friend, I want a wife and sending any other message to her by talking as a friend would not be fair to me or to her. I'm not saying stop talking to your W completely, but stop taking the kids every weekend, stop telling her who you are with, stop allowing her to dictate how you parent your kids, stand up to her and walk away. Forget how she feels, focus on you and the kids!
Yes. Take this advice. Do you want to be a H, or just one of many friends? I could feel the friends crap coming on, and have drastically cut communication. They'll do everything they can to keep up with you. My WW is starting to respect me more and more, is interested in what I do, has made it known she's scared of me dating, tries to provoke empathy, knows I'm not answering my phone or texts so has started to call the work phone and just began sending emails.
They want to have a sense of family while not having to perform a single duty of a W. It's outrageous in theory, but we miss them and family so much it's hard to say no at first. They'll cry, get angry, and do all kinds of things to provoke a response. WW sent me an email yesterday I felt questioned my parenting skills. I wanted to blow up about it, but calmed down and sent her a short response validating her concerns and pushing back on a few things she noted.
I too want a W. I want a family. But in order to show HER what it means to be family, you cannot enable them. Not easy, and I'm far from perfect. But my WW is learning what it'd be like to be D, not having me to depend on for $$$, support, time, casual S conversations, etc.
You and your kids are #1.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
To be honest. I just want someone to love and be loved. I hoped my W would be that person. I hoped to make her see me in a different light but all she does is criticise me for not being the perfect dad. I want to win her back. To go home and be with my family. To have the intimacy and romance back that we once had. To start again and work on our issues. I don't know what her long term plans are. We don't talk about our marriage anymore. It's all about the kids. I try and look to the future but I can't see her in it the way things are. She has everything she wants. I wish I knew what to do.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Melo, you are right. I am not respected. I am looked down upon by my W and her family. I could never meet their expectations although they havevmultiple failed marriages and are just bitter. How can I make a difference? How can I get some respect? My W relies on me to an extent but is keen to show how capable she she is and doesn't need me or any other man to get through life. She lives through the kids and judges me on how I interact with them. As for our marriage, we haven't mentioned it for months now..just seems like it's done with and now waiting for the divorce to come through..
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
So my question now is..how do I win her respect? Is it by being a good father? Is it by going dark? I have improved myself in so many ways but still no chance to change her mind. We have had a tough week as she felt I wasn't being a good dad because I fed them late and one day, took them home an hour early. She hasn't spoken to me since! Should I just stop communicating with her and just puck up the kids in silence?
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Don't do anything out of spite, don't do anything just to get a reaction out of her.
Be a man, do not let her walk all over you, but do not get into fights with her. It ain't gonna be easy.
And fot [censored]'s sake, don't be a mind reader, trying to guess what she felt and what she meant. You do not know what she felt and what she meant, so give it a rest already. Time to develop yourself and that means without looking over your shoulder if your W is watching.
If you stop communicating with her, you will just look petty and childish. Act upbeat around her, act happy (but not overly, she will see trough it).
She doesn't respect you b/c she controls you. She uses her anger to punish you for anything she doesn't approve. You said yourself that she gets everything she wants.
You need to face some facts about your W. She may never feel desire and love for you again, b/c you let her control you. You cater to her, although she doesn't treat you as a W should treat her H. If you stand up to her and start doing whatever the hell you want to do.........it may change a few dynamics in the R. Learning to tell her "no" and stop carrying her around on a royal pillar might help her see you as a man. The hard fact is that you have enabled her to control you and she may never give it up.
You want to stick your head in the sand and hope everything bad goes away and you can pull your head out again to see she really loves you. It just doesn't work that way in real life. You have a choice. You can start living your life to please yourself.........and perhaps she will see a man in you that she likes enough to change her ways..............or you can continue being her puppet which guarantees your situation won't likely change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's bizarre...On Friday my W invited me to go with her and our D4 to see a play my D8 was in. We then went for a meal at a restaurant together and spent a nice evening. It was as if nothing had happened. We were a normal family. My w looked at me affectionately and was hoping to go out with the children again soon. At the end of the evening she nervously asked me where I was going the weekend. It was as if she thought I may be seeing someone and it seemed to worry her. I didn't see her the weekend as she went to her mothers house with the kids. Her anger just stopped from the previous week without discussion. If she's so concerned with me getting a life, why does she let this continue? I can see she cares for me but is happy for us to live seperate lives and just co parent.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
Have you read the WW threads? B/c I answered this scenario of why your W can switch to suddenly wanting to spend a day together as a family. I also addressed why she would suddenly be curious about her H's activities (like how he spends his weekend).
To me, it's a plain as the nose on her face. Something caused her to think you might be interested in going out with some other lady. She was securing her position. She was showing you how nice she could be and how the family could spend a wonderful day together. However, she gave herself away when asked what you were doing over the weekend.
If you were smart, you would play Mr. Cool and just give vague answers. She needs to be concerned you could actually find another woman who would treat you much better than she has. This is the beginning of her thinking she could actually lose you!
My advice is don't reassure her. She doesn't get to know what you do in your personal time. Think of her as a nosy neighbor. Just smile and wave and keeping on walking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thw situation now is that her Sister has left her husband after he was found to be womanising, gambling and taking drugs. So now my stbx, sister and mom, who is also single and bitter after her husband left her for another woman, have become a tight unit where men are seen as a problem. They all stick together now and are away for a week on holiday with all the kids. I feel like I am now an outsider even though I was only ever kind and helpful to all of them. It would be difficult to break through the mistrust and apathy towards me especially with rhetoric from her family who I fear are telling my stbx to stay away from me. I am keeping communications to a minimum now as it wouldn't be welcome. I also feel like being friendly has so far achieved nothing more than partly civil conversation when I collect the kids. Should I just keep my distance from her? She doesn't suspect I have much of a life outside work but feel that she should have cause for concern that I may walk away...just wanted your thoughts on what I can do to help my cause if at all.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
