My gut instinct after reading DB is to just remain cool and calm and act indifferent but kind.
SadDad8,
I think what you said is a good approach. In addition, and I'm not kidding about this, before you talk with your wife, see if you can find some boxes that she can use to pack her stuff and give them to her. It's kind-of a 180; you're showing her that you're ready to let her go.
"Boxes and tape" is a doodlerism (don't google that word just yet), but others may think it's a tad extreme. I like the gift of boxes because it makes a big statement without being mean and nasty; you're doing something to help the WW toward her goal.
Ok just got back from therapy for myself and the therapist is suggesting a come to jesus talk with her. Saying I don't want this to end and I've done things I'm not proud of but I am willing to change and blah blah blah. I'm so torn on what to do now.
Their is nothing wrong with asking. The thing is if she refuses or the counseling fails, you need to keep your EXPECTATIONS low.
Keep having HOPE but zero expectations. OK?
That sounds very difficult. How does a person go about doing such a thing?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Their is nothing wrong with asking. The thing is if she refuses or the counseling fails, you need to keep your EXPECTATIONS low.
Keep having HOPE but zero expectations. OK?
That sounds very difficult. How does a person go about doing such a thing?
-PM
I will steal something that I read recently and POST it here
Quote:
If I could, I would like to discuss the difference between hope and expectations, because I 100% agree with you about hope and I 100% agree with the other poster about expectations. Two words that are often considered synonymous. Let me explain by starting with their definitions, and then mix in a bit of my own MLC experience and what we think we know about their state of mind.
Just picture for a second, two couples in your head. Both young and happily married. Couple 1 says they are hoping for a baby. Couple 2 says they are expecting a baby. Consider their psychological challenges if they don't have a baby. Consider if either will be more happy with a baby.
Hope: Noun -- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best Verb -- to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
Expectation Noun -- the state of expecting Verb (Expecting) -- to look for with reason or justification
While these two words are often synonymous, I truly believe our MLCers can sense the difference between Expectations and Hope.
Expectations in the MLC world often carry an LBSer's sense of entitlement -- In my own situation, I often told my wife that I expected her to come back to me because... I was far better for her than the alienator. (Judgemental) I was the loyal husband who put in my time, and deserved her loyalty. (Entitled) A vow before God and family had been made. (Moral) .....I could go on and on. Point is that every time I voiced those expectations we would go months without talking about R again. When I changed to expressing hope, results changed for me.
To an MLCer, expectation can feel like a cage... the mathematically appropriate decision, or the socially acceptable outcome. These are all things MLCers are fleeing and abandoning.
Hope is also sensed by our MLCers. Detected sometimes in touch and gos, or anchor tests. Hope is Expectations without Judgement (you're making a dumb decision you'll regret) Morality (the wrong decision) or Entitlement (I deserve better) factors. I often wonder if the purpose of those contacts is, subconsciously, to determine which of these two states we are in.
Always hold on to hope. Be careful of expectations. They often carry the corrosive elements from above, and trigger flight inducing panic attacks in your broken MLCer.
Their is nothing wrong with asking. The thing is if she refuses or the counseling fails, you need to keep your EXPECTATIONS low.
Keep having HOPE but zero expectations. OK?
That sounds very difficult. How does a person go about doing such a thing?
-PM
I will steal something that I read recently and POST it here
Quote:
If I could, I would like to discuss the difference between hope and expectations, because I 100% agree with you about hope and I 100% agree with the other poster about expectations. Two words that are often considered synonymous. Let me explain by starting with their definitions, and then mix in a bit of my own MLC experience and what we think we know about their state of mind.
Just picture for a second, two couples in your head. Both young and happily married. Couple 1 says they are hoping for a baby. Couple 2 says they are expecting a baby. Consider their psychological challenges if they don't have a baby. Consider if either will be more happy with a baby.
Hope: Noun -- the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best Verb -- to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
Expectation Noun -- the state of expecting Verb (Expecting) -- to look for with reason or justification
While these two words are often synonymous, I truly believe our MLCers can sense the difference between Expectations and Hope.
Expectations in the MLC world often carry an LBSer's sense of entitlement -- In my own situation, I often told my wife that I expected her to come back to me because... I was far better for her than the alienator. (Judgemental) I was the loyal husband who put in my time, and deserved her loyalty. (Entitled) A vow before God and family had been made. (Moral) .....I could go on and on. Point is that every time I voiced those expectations we would go months without talking about R again. When I changed to expressing hope, results changed for me.
To an MLCer, expectation can feel like a cage... the mathematically appropriate decision, or the socially acceptable outcome. These are all things MLCers are fleeing and abandoning.
Hope is also sensed by our MLCers. Detected sometimes in touch and gos, or anchor tests. Hope is Expectations without Judgement (you're making a dumb decision you'll regret) Morality (the wrong decision) or Entitlement (I deserve better) factors. I often wonder if the purpose of those contacts is, subconsciously, to determine which of these two states we are in.
Always hold on to hope. Be careful of expectations. They often carry the corrosive elements from above, and trigger flight inducing panic attacks in your broken MLCer.
I HOPE that helps.
Good stuff. So maybe saying "I don't want you to leave. I want to work on this. I have hope for us. PLease come to therapy?"
my close colleague says if at that point she still wants to move and separate, that I should just say "Do what you gotta do, the kids and I will be here".
Basically saying that I can wait for you to have some time to figure stuff out...
I just popped into your thread and don't know enough to advise you on anything concretely, but part of DB'ing is not showing the WAS all your cards (among a few other applicable things) and the former quote you are considering comes across as too much.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
