Trying to detach - ugh...

[Coly23]

So update. H texted this morning about which film we should see and times because this will determine what time we have dinner. So he suggested rather than me cook he would like to takes us both out for dinner as a birthday treat for me. I suggested we meet him at the cinema but he

Then I was trying to play it all cool and not go back to his texts too quickly so went to the gym and guess who was there, H!!! I didn't think he was still going to our gym so I was a bit suprised! We had a really good chat on the treadmill and even though we were both running he was actually turning and talking to me and giving me eye contact which previously he struggled to do!

Just off to a BBQ with one if H's friends and his family. Mummy, food!!

[Coly23]

Sorry that meant to say mmmm food! Stupid autocorrect!!! Xx

[hawker]

That sounds positive Colby!

[Coly23]

So had a good day today. H came over to take us to the cinema and dinner afterwards. He brought me some champaign truffles as a belated birthday present and a birthday card and voucher from his mum and dad. Nice suprise.

He was just like the old H and it made me feel sad. Actually I don't know how to feel anymore. The whole be friendly thing just doesn't feel right. It's like ignoring the elephant in the room most of time.

What made it worse is the gathering we went to yesterday the wife of H's friend said he came over and saw them the other day and she definitely doesn't think he will come back. I asked her if he actually said that and she said no but she gets that impression from some of the things he said. I don't know what to think anymore....

[Cherry]

It's great to see that you've been seeing some positive behaviour. That's a good point from your db coach about not looking as though you are punishing him.

Try not to be disheartened by what the wife of h's friend said. Although you need to watch your expectations, there is really no knowing how any situation will turn out.

I know how you feel about being friends with h makes you feel a bit as though you are avoiding the elephant in the room; I'm not even sure how I would go about being a friend to my h, he's not really receptive to spending any amount of time even near me so it all seems rather impossible

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry. I think that's the trouble, I don't have any expectations and feel very negative about everything even if it was a good day. My D gets very frustrated with me because she can see the positive interactions between us. We don't fight or argue and he doesn't have that pained look on his face anymore but what worries me is that maybe this is all he can give me.

What I don't understand about your H is that he seems to be steaming ahead with the D but doesn't seem to be making a lot of progress with moving out, unless I have missed something?

[Cherry]

It's not really worth worrying about that, easier said than done I know. It's really important to see any slight improvement and you know you're on to the right track. Not seeing that pained expression or being able to have a conversation where he actually looks you in the eye or doesn't get angry, are positives and a good sign.

Nope you haven't missed anything. He is all set to go ahead with the divorce and this morning I heard him to say to his mom that it is "going through as we speak" but yet he is carefully looking through places and showing no particular urgency to be out. All he keeps saying is he will be moving soon. It really doesn't make much sense. I just feel he won't even see what life would be like without me if he d's first and then goes. His thought process just doesn't seem to make much sense to me at all though really

[Coly23]

I know it's hard and at the moment with all the sickness you may not have the energy but IMHO I would ask him to leave now if he is continuing with the divorce. He seems to getting the best of both worlds, waving divorce in your face and taking his time to find a place is cake eating in my books.

[CT1118]

What made it worse is the gathering we went to yesterday the wife of H's friend said he came over and saw them the other day and she definitely doesn't think he will come back. I asked her if he actually said that and she said no but she gets that impression from some of the things he said. I don't know what to think anymore....

I am w/ Cherry on what the friend said. I went to a gathering w/ my W two weeks ago and it was all her friends. At various points in the night I had all these different women - some I had never met - secretly telling me that they thought my W would come back. They did not know of the A or the details though. Point being, you don't know what that woman knows and her opinion is certainly not based upon the version of your H that you know.

Plus, for those of us choosing to do what we do and not just say "I want a D!" right from the start...we confound people b/c we are no longer the normal. The normal is quit, move on. Seems like in the era of social media and info as fast as thought, being on your own is the most horrifying thing for people to stomach.

Do what you do and read nothing into the minds of others. This whole experience is like what Steven Wright said - "I am writing a book, so far I've got the page numbers done."

[Altair]

Coly,
Do you find that after you see H he pulls back for awhile? I'm doing the "friend" thing too. He took me to lunch on Friday, same as what you said, elephant in room being ignored, and just being friendly to each other. Then I won't hear from him for a few days and then he'll text. Still wants to talk to his therapist about how much (or if) he should see me.