Cherry, h is filing. Need to detach more.

[AndrewP]

Met with the L, so now I'm a bit more clued up than before.
Only thing is, I've been told even if I was to contest, it would go to court and would be granted.

Cherry - I'm not too surprised at that result. Your words seem to indicate that you're bearing up OK - I hope your head and heart are too.

If you really really want him back - D is just another way-station on the path. Over time you'll need to decide where your own path will take you. Be proud of your hard work to do what you felt was right and stay strong.

[T384]

Hey cherry, it feels better to be informed right?

Plus, you don't want to be married to someone who treats you that way and doesn't want to be married. Let him have the D ... Then you will be 'out of his way' and he can see you aren't the source of his problems. Like I said before .. Excuse yourself from everything you can that involves him so that he cannot put you to blame for anything that goes wrong. I wouldn't even say you don't want the D. He knows that... Just say you'll have your L reach out to his or something along those lines. again - he got the L first and he wants the D... Therefore you've retained a L and will be using it to your benefit because of his choices.

It will get better, I promise. Hang in there. I really think H needs to move out once you are served.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

At least you know more now. I would sit back and do nothing. As you say, you have said it all now. If you get a letter, send it to your L. The rest you know.

For info. my W argued we were separated and had been for 2 years - as she had been living like the 'mad aunt' in the attic. I just said, no, we have dinner together every night. Perhaps that meant she had to move out???? IDK.

Anyway, still no papers.....and she could still serve them and argue we have been living separate lives, I can't really contest that if she wanted to.

Just for info.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thanks for the support guys. Yeah Andrew, I didn't feel like the emotional wreck that I was last week when finding L's. I realised although this is not what I want, I can't control that. But what I can control is what I would want out of my L and what I want with regards to the best interests of our child(ren).

Thanks T, that's great advise with regards to not talking about it and saying deal with my L. Takes the stress and hassle off of me. I too think that. If he wants to D and keep everything seperate, that means he goes.

Yeah you're right surfer, I have said it all. And I may as well have explained this is another language as he chooses not to listen. It's like two bulls with locked horns. But yes it's been said, the spoilt brat spat out his dummy and said he wanted a d, and now he's on track to have one. Congratulations, you're an idiot.

After a day of ploughing through finances, legal advise, and budget planning. I am looking forward to a facemask, manicure and Netflix tonight. Feel I've used my brain capacity to its extreme.

[T384]

One thing I meant to ask, is this a new Ow or the same from Previous DB??

All of that sounds so nice! Glad you are taking time for yourself

One more piece of advice, as I'm sure you're sick of hearing from me is probably the most important though. Please do not set aside you and your children's wants and needs in an effort to stay on his good side through the D.

To me asking for whatever is fair and right for you and the kids is of utmost importance. Remember no single thing you do or don't will make or break any hopes of R. Having known my H for 10 years during BD I was sure he wouldn't even know how to come home or ask to work things out. I just knew it wasn't like him and felt like I needed to tread carefully and always make him know I was there for him to come back. Worst mistake.... They know they have you.

Now is not the time to play nice and roll over with Regards to the D. You can be nice but still ask for what you want. The D is something you will potentially have to live with for your life so make sure you fight for what's in your best interest and the children.

My H as you know did everything and more that he had to do. Things I didn't even think he was capable of. They will do it if they want it bad enough.

[Cherry]

This is a new ow. The last time he was absolutely shameless and admitted he was seeing someone. This time he's in utter denial and tells me "he made one mistake and he regrets those actions every day". But I'm no fool, I've seen the messages, I've seen his gps at hers. But the only person he is fooling here is himself. Still, not my problem. I'm not naive, nor am I stupid.

No I definitely won't. I said to my L what I wanted. And I stated clearly that the best interests of the children are to be with me, so I shall be going for full custody. Not saying he can't see them, he's welcome to. But a man who doesn't spend time with his children and is out all ours returning the next day does not have their best interests at heart.

I also stated how my career was put on hold in order for me to start a family and allow me to look after his sick mother. If I had worked full time, my salary would be around £15K a year more. So he said we would go for spousal support. My H also has considerably more in savings than me in his name, which he's saved during the M. So my L said we would go for half of that. My H told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't have savings anymore, which I know is a lie, up until a month or two I dealt with our finances and paperwork. I know he has a lot more, and it is locked in a high interest account which you have to give notice to withdraw. He doesn't spend much money on clothing etc. So I know he is trying to keep that from me, but my L said if he doesn't disclose he will be served with a court order to do so.

I'm by no means being a gold digger "take him for every penny", BUT. I will get what I'm entitled to. After all, this isn't what I wants. This is what HE wants. So this is how it works. It really isn't my problem.

In the back of my mind, I do have that thought that he is a proud man, he would never come back asking for another chance. But right now, I can't even think of that, because it doesn't seem like he ever would anyway.

All I can do is keep stepping forward, deal with the reality and take care of myself and the little ones.

[Surfer]

Hey Cherry. I understand all of this and totally get your anger. But it is good to take a ptactical rather than angry mind into negotiations of any sort. Set out your goals. Then sit back. You still don't know how all of this will pan out. Be careful not to wish for what you don't really want. You know where you are and where you can aim for.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

I get you surfer. I'm trying to think as practical as possible, and not act in any kind of anger or attempt to ruin him. At the end of the day, as much as he has hurt me, and as angry as I am, I'm going to deal with this with some poise and grace. I don't want to ruin him to the point he has nothing. He is the father to my children and I know at the end of the day as angry and hurt as I am, I am greatful he came into my life and had these beautiful babies with me. I don't want to see him absolutely struggling to live. Maybe he would deserve it for what he's done, but I'd like to think at some point I can get to that place where even if things go the way I don't want, that I can get along with him, and maybe even forgive and wish him well (I'm nowhere near that right now, that seems impossible).

[Cherry]

Despite me trying to plant positive thoughts in my head before I sleep.
A bad dream managed to creep in. My h admitted to me he had multiple ow. It was also my wedding day, but for some reason I wasn't invited. And he kept telling me he didn't want me (i always have strange dreams when pregnant). But I was going mental, I kicked him multiple times in the nuts. I headbutted these multiple ow. I was just on a rampage. Then I was at my mums house in my old room, tearing down pictures and crying my eyes out saying how much I love him and that I'll be lonely all my life and I'll never love anyone like I loved him.

So I woke up feeling a little sad. Maybe my dream wanted to be cruel and throw some feelings I have deep inside at me.

Stupid dream! Why can't I dream about nice things

[Sotto]

Hi Cherry, I'm sorry you had a rough dream. I can recall having those and it's not a nice start to the day. I haven't posted it in my thread, but I had a dream recently. In it, I was having a nice time with some friends and XH was hovering on the outskirts looking sad. I was thinking to myself - what's he doing here....ugh, does he want to talk about us reconciling??

I'm only trying to illustrate that, given time and effort in the right directions, our situation and feelings do shift.

I hope your day improves from a rocky start. The sun is shining here....xx