Eagle11- I have been following along but not posted much as you are receiving amazing advice!
Do not let that be a reason not to post, I remember just being glad that people were posting on my thread even if it was just a hi, this [censored] you can do it, by the way hi.
This goes for all of you. : )
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However, I have a live-in MLCer and I just want to tell you to be very, very careful in protecting your privacy regarding your posts. My h has snooped on me, too.
He has tried to check my FB and email account by guessing my password. Also, he once asked to borrow my phone to make a call because his was "low on battery." He took my phone with him in the other room and I know he combed through it. Be ready for such crafty requests.
My h is much more computer savvy than I am. I do all my posts on my iPhone (probably I will be blind in a year) but I worry he may have installed spying software on my laptop or Mac before I changed passwords. My understanding is sometimes these are nearly impossible to detect? I set everything to private browsing first on my phone.
HaWho, if you need any suggestions on how to protect yourself electronically let me know, I'm pretty good at it, or you can even google some of your questions to get some answers and hopefully feel a little more secure.
Strangly, I would feel a little hope that your husband is snooping on your stuff, sounds weird? Well if he didn't care at all he wouldn't.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi HaWho, I would make your anniversary a day of kindness and compassion. If your H doesn't mention it, then I would breeze on by and not even acknowledge it.
However, I would have a card in reserve saying something you feel able to say with no 'side' to it. For example - thank you for the many years we have shared & best wishes, Ha Who.
JMHO of course, but I would leave any truth darts for another time. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree - have a card ready in case he comes up with something. Decide to honor your years of marriage (the good years of the past) by being kind and compassionate. And otherwise, just let him take the lead. If he doesn't say anything oyu don't have to either. If he says or does something nice, reward it, don't shoot it down - remember your dog training. Reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones.
Have a card, nothing overly sentimental. BUT, do not be disappointed if you don't use it. OK?
I would actually have 2-3 cards with varying responses, depending on what she gave me. I'd be like, oh I got you a card too, hold on, and then go and get the one that best fit the situation.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Didn't we go through this last year? Yep, we sure did. I found your posting and have copied it here so that others can see how things played out last year.
""Celebrated" 15th anniversary a few days ago. It was a strange day all around. A year ago, H had forgotten 14th anniversary and when I suggested going out to dinner the day of, he monstered at me in front of the kids. I was rounding out the last few months in my own multi-year depression and didn't really know what to make of the monstering. Ignorant days where I knew nothing of MLC.
I had a small gift for H and planned to bake something simple for him as he is a foodie. The dessert was something quick that, if he remembered anniversary I could whip up. When he came to me months ago and decided he wanted to work on R, I said I wanted to do something for our anniversary this year, just something simple.
Morning of, it seemed he had forgotten. Then mid-day he asked if we could all go to dinner to celebrate the anniversary. I said yes. When I came home there were flowers and I thanked him. He insisted I had forgotten as I said nothing about it in the am. (He certainly could have said something first, too, and given what happened on anniversary last year, I really wasn't enthusiastic about initiating celebration.) I told him I did not forget but also did not remind him of last year. He seemed hurt like I really did forget. I tried to re-assure him again. When I presented gift he believed me.
Baked him a dessert and gave him a gift. It all felt very awkward-like going through the motions. Could not help but think of happiness we felt 15 years ago and the pain of today. 15 years ago, never would I have imagined my seemingly stable H spinning in MLC. Oi!
As H ate dessert he made a passive aggressive shot that I had barely done any baking the last 10 years. I felt myself just drift away. I said nothing but the stiffening of my demeanor said it all. He tried to butter me up by initiating other unrelated conversations. I went though the motions as one kid was present but mentally I was checked out. And he knew it."
Ha-Who, I would get a very simple card. He ate your dessert last year and then had to make a comment about your baking. Maybe this year, get him his own set of baking pans. LOL!
Ok- heard you all loud and clear. Thank you everyone. You guys are amazing. Sotto - I like your wording. Job - thanks for re-posting that. I am glad I wrote about the anniversary last year. This way, I can compare if he insults me again!
Some typical MLC stuff going on here. The other night at dinner, h was telling stories from when he was s13's age. These are stories I have heard before but are now more interesting in the context of his MLC. One thing that was new was that he mentioned his mother was gone a lot (working) and he did in fact have to cook a lot of his meals on his own. (Job, you called it!) He seemed really sad and I swear this is all triggered by him seeing the culinary care I pay towards the kids. His LL is cooked meals and desserts.
Last night we had too many ripe bananas and I made bread. My kids don't really like this but h does. He ate the whole loaf!! (First he asked if we wanted any. I said no and thanked him for asking.) Then, poof, it was gone.
He has talked about his dad a bit. His father was an extremely selfish individual; he walked away when he and his brother were in diapers and paid virtually nothing. In the spring h was sort of defending his father, saying that his father always did what he wanted to do. The insinuation was that his father lived an authentic life by doing whatever he wanted?!? Trust me, when we met he knew these decisions were wrong and that is a big reason I was attracted to him. Anyway, last night he was (again) telling the kids his dad was very selfish. Let's hope this perception sticks.
Then, in the car he was telling s11 that he is old. S said h was not. H said he was. Then he imparted a cheerful speech in which he told S that you are young for a while, then middle aged for just a short time ('til 45) and then you are old for a lonnnnng time. I just pictured Eeyore.
Also noteworthy, he came in today talking about bears again. I can hear the collective groan. This time I asked him (the curiosity has been killing me) why he was so interested in bears. He looked surprised; like he did not realize he talked a lot about bears. He told me it was because of the place we were at recently. But, he's been talking about them long before then.
Anyway, the topic today was that you're most likely to be killed by a grizzly. Next most vicious species is the brown bear. Third is the black bear. Still with the bears.
Tonight, out of the clear blue he asked me if I would go to visit his grandmother's grave with him when we return east for the holidays. She passed away in the spring. I said yes. I know death is hard for him and she adored him. She was more like an aunt than a grandmotherly type.
Speaking of going back east, h has informed me that he rented a two bedroom place. He said the kids will have their own room.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh and Jack3Beans - thanks for the offer of technological support! I did Google this a while ago and that's what scared me. "Experts" we're saying that some spyware can be so well hidden that it cannot be detected.
I have an old Mac, one of the sunflower ones! I love it. It needs a serious upgrading though. I am thinking I will bring it to someone who can blow it out and upgrade everything and this would give me peace of mind that if h installed anything it's wiped clean.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So now you can understand his comments about cooking. If you are patient long enough and can really listen to what he's saying, he will reveal a lot about his childhood and then you can actually see how it impacted him and the things he's doing and saying in crisis.
I think it's a wonderful idea about visiting his grandmother's grave. It may give him some comfort and when you do visit it, step away for a bit and give him some time to visit w/her. I'm sure he's going to have a heartfelt talk w/her.
I do hope the anniversary goes well and that you can enjoy it. Keep those expectations very low.
Enjoy the weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
