Taking my first sip of the water

[sandi2]

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?

I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can, I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible.

There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!

I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it.

[ATPeace]

Sandi2

First thank you not just for your post but thank you for still posting to me what you wrote makes a lot of sence and I do believe that it is me keeping myself in this painful position almost because of a combination of fear or being alone....really alone or I feel that if I punish myself enough make myself feel bad keep myself in this low position then my W would ultimately see how sorry I am and would eventually change her feelings back towards me

I think it was my DB Coach that said people's feelings do change and just because she feels resentment now or sadness one will not always feel these feelings.

I have been crippled by fear I am scared she will meet someone else despite her telling me since breakup that she is not looking for another relationship and if she never had one ever again then she would not be bothered she is very happy in her own company.... I know what she says may or may not remain the case she might fall In love with someone else end up sleeping with them forming a relationship But at some point I am fairly sure that the new partner will do something to piss here off leave up the toilet seat or leave socks arround not load the dishwasher or empty the rubbish perhaps he will choose not to want to spend some time with her it does not matter what it is ...it will be something and she will have feelings of Oh No Not Again......

I am a good man I love and adore my children I am a man that chose to sometimes put myself first have a life outside of the marriage and this left my w feeling alone and right now I choose to continue to love my W and I guess this is where I need to understand the word D E T A C H M E N T ...and I really need to understand that you can still love someone from a distance ..,it is a choice ....and yet let them live the life they want to live without it affecting me and this is where I really struggle.

So I crave affection and I want to feel loved....I do not want to stray sometimes I feel so lonely.... I remember my W saying to me after breakup have you any idea how it feels to be in a house with five other people and no one wanted to spend any time with me ....I know what this feels like

It is time for me to stop letting my past actions continue to affect my relationship with my children and with my W

Even much of this post talks about the past it has to begin with a small step

Sandi2 thank you

Ghost

[sandi2]

I feel that if I punish myself enough make myself feel bad keep myself in this low position then my W would ultimately see how sorry I am and would eventually change her feelings back towards me

If I remember correctly, you have apologized to your W, and put forth effort to show your sorrow. The DB coach is right, your W's feelings could change. In order for her feelings to be good toward you, she needs to see you lifting your head, standing tall, shoulders back, and speaking with confidence. These are positive male body language that attract his W. Not the beaten down dog who slips around with his tail tucked between his legs.

I hope you will follow the advice and support SH is giving you.

[sandi2]

If you keep yourself in a low position, your wife cannot look up to you.

[Rouky]

Hi AP, it has been a while since I wrote on your post. I completely understand where you are coming from with the fear and being negative. I also agree with you it's hard to detach, but would you mind if I gave you few things that have helped me.

The first one concerns the negativity and low self-esteem, as I have suffered from it (and still does), I know how hard it is to break what we are familiar with. As a general guess, people don't like changes, unfortunately changes are always around. From the seasons, to you being lucky to be at work on time one day and not the next!
Firstly how do I combat my negativity: each day I wrote something I'm grateful for. Today for instance I went to town at a busy time: I didn't find a parking space, so went round again a second time and it was waiting for me! Afterwards went to buy an extension lead, I wasn't too impressed with the price but I needed to buy it. When I went to pay it was reduced and it was around the price I wanted to pay initially! Thirdly my dishwasher broke down (old me would have been angry and devastated), but I looked at my sink and said my grandparents didn't have one and they managed without it, so what's the big deal!

It took me ages to see things in a positive way but I'm doing it and it works. It's a slow process to fight negativity, but if you put the work in and don't give up (I must have given up at least 10 times before I could see positives in my everyday life) you will feel better!

Low self-esteem: write down everything you wanted to do when you were younger and measure with what you have now. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a teacher, have my own house, get married and have kids. I'm now 41 and I have achieved all of them!

About letting go: again write down everything you had to let go willingly or not and see what came up instead. An example: 10 years ago I resigned from my job and moved back with my parents. Within one month of resigning I had a found a job and while with this job I found another one and met H.

Even if I'm here trying to save my M, I have looked at all the things I had to let go to be where I am and it turned out that it was for the better. At the time I didn't see it that way, but it is true.

I have been a negative with very low self-esteem person for 20 years and it is hard work, but I'm breaking that cycle and it takes a lot of strength but I'm doing it and feel better. I hope this has helped you.

[bigybiz]

G:
I just scanned your thread and I really feel for you. A year ago the bomb drop happened in my house. I spent the next 4 months begging, pleading, apologizing, etc, etc.

The most salient point that came out of my DB session was that is is a wake up call.

You can use this wake up call to improve yourself, build strong relationships with your children, family and friends. The bottom line is - whatever the W is dealing with it is hers to deal with.

After a year (W moved out 3 months ago), I'm ten times the man I was then. I completely run my home, I'm thrilled with the changes I've made in myself and now I'm getting to the detachment part.

Yes, missing her and your role as a husband and all the things that come with it will be with you for a while. Once you get a little success under your belt, the feelings of strength will multiply.

I found that success in: Completing home projects, learning how to cook and run my home, new hobbies, I even got a motorcycle.

Best of luck, I'm rooting for you.

[Vanilla]

I am a good man I love and adore my children.

---------------------------

This is the most positive thing I have seen you write about yourself.

It is how I see you too.

It is a wonderful statement.

V

[ATPeace]

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

Sandi I have BOLDED UP PARTS OF YOUR REPLY and I think this next part sums up what I need to be doing ....

I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?

I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can, I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible.

There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!

I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it.

sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better

We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things

So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.

I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.

I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.

This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you

Ghost

[sandi2]

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

We know. You were told bringing up the past and trying to talk about the R with her, is not the pathway to take at that point. But it was you that wanted to fix the R by talking about it. Remember?

I don't want to interfer with SH's mentoring, so I will try to keep this short.

Considering the past year and the emotional state you were in for so long.........I believe you need to do what make you happy.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

By initiating "things"............are you referring to show of affection? Do you mean initiate family activities? My take is to do whatever you want to do with the family. Don't make it tense and be in a strain. If she wants to participate, she will. If she doesn't participate, fine. Don't let her daily decisions dictate your emotions. Be happy, and the others follow your lead.

If you are referring to initiating affection........I suggest you continue presenting the atmosphere you have enjoyed the past three days. You may not be physically in the same location, but you can continue the pleasant attitude. Don't approach her for sex, b/c of how tense the relationship has been for so long. However, if you are standing next to her, walk past her, step around her.....etc., you could casually give her non-sexual touches. Most women want those non-sexual touches from the H. In your case, it may take weeks of slowly building a closer R with these little touches. Like, touch her shoulder, the small of her back, or her arm. Don't make it awkward, just act naturally and don't glare at her to see how she will react. After some time with these comfortable non-sexual touches, then we can discuss the next level of touches.

As a man, going without affection and sex for a long time........you are probably ready to jump into bed with her and have sex. For some women, they need for the relationship with the H to warm up before they are ready for the bedroom "affection". If you don't start with the little non-sexual touches and you just try to go right for the more intimate touching.......I think she will shoot it down. So, think of the non-sexual touches with you wife as step # 1 to foreplay. . Easy does it. And, if she shoves away from a little pat on the back..........you will know she's not quite ready for the intimate touching.

Is it over time attraction builds again ?

It just depends on the people and their situation. Attraction is not always about physical appearances.

Is it one day boom things just happen ?

Well, you never know, but I think for a couple who has been together as long as you.....it is more likely to go like a crockpot instead of a microwave. But once it gets there, then you have to stay plugged in to the R.

Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?

It's possible.

Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?

If you start with the non-sexual touches first, and continue with that level for a while.......then it will come a day you can reach for her. But don't watch her to see her reaction. Act like a sexy, confident male. If she pulls away, you will know she isn't ready. You really need to understand it will be baby steps.

Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Would you need to ask her, Ghost? For your own sake, would you need to ask her, and talk about things? Could you just start acting as if you are rebuilding a block at a time? My experience with you is that you have been stumped in a bad emotional place and don't seem to be able to follow through with the advice previously given. Since there was never proof of any affair, and considering your emotional/mental state, I am approaching your stitch a little differently this time. You have been painfully honest about your fears and right now, I don't think pressure from us is going to help you overcome your problems. You have got to get emotionally/mentally to a better place. I hope SH can show you how.

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

Is this something you expect to occur? She is still your W, and if you are out together and some man starts given her unwanted attention........then protect her. If she encourages the attention....then take her home.

I said I was going to keep this short, and didn't want to interfer with what SH was doing, and I've said too much. Hopefully, SH will check in with you today.

[Surfer]

On Sandi's non-sexual touches. This may work. However, I tried to do these 'touch charges' for a year or so. My WW hated it. She recoiled. I persisted though and frankly it just p!ssed her off even more. You will know if she is uncomfortable - don't carry on if she seems to be. Leave it for a while. Incidentally, I think you need to be in the right mood for this also - as you are still emotionally needy (it goes with practice, but takes time). For example of you are in a light and happy mood - great. But if you are needy - she will feel it. The contact may not them seem natural to her then. If it's not natural for you to touch in such a was in your relationship, be careful also. You W will spot inconsistent or awkward behavior and may consider you to be manipulative (even though you are trying to save your M). You must avoid looking manipulative at all costs. Your W will hate this.

Just a bit of background from my many months of getting this very, very, wrong. I hope it helps.

Surfer.