Building my life...

[mahhhty]

Thanks for getting back to me so fast Wonka. And thank you for working this all through with me.

Isn't the OM piece fairly important to where we are and hence an issue to overcome? He was forced into my kids life with no communication to me, then a couple weeks ago he was forced into mine and showed up to my house unannounced.

I'm unsure why I shouldn't bring him up, when it is clearly such a big issue for me.

Your thoughts?

[Wonka]

Ahh...I didn't realize that OM showed up at your house unannounced. Clearly it is not a cool thing to do at all. You can convey it to XW and ask that it made you uncomfortable. Ask that he refrain from it in the future.

I need to ask why the OM showed up at your house? Was there a reason for it at all? Trying to understand how it came about here.

[mahhhty]

On Memorial Day Monday, X was moving and wanted to pick up the kids later in the day. I said fine. She then drove to my house to pick them up and he was with her.

[Wonka]

Thanks....what you can do is to work in one or two sentence comment in the email stating a no OM boundary at your house. It is a very reasonable request that XW needs to respect.

[mahhhty]

Thank you Wonka.

Here is the revision... I bolded the addition of the two sentences. I do feel better already about this. More in control and more myself. I've been in a funk surrounding this.

Wonka your help and identification of additional resources and concepts (non-violent communication, etc) are extremely helpful. I appreciate it fully! Thank you!

X,

I appreciate your recent efforts to resolve the education discussions.

I believe that disagreements will arise from time to time as to be expected with divorced people who bring various views to the table when it comes to co-parenting young children. I am willing to try and work things out with you that is in the best interests of the children. Please understand that it is not ideal to litigate every disagreement. It is not a reasonable nor practical thing to do at all.

There will be times when we may not necessarily agree on some issues. In my mind, being able to show mutual respect for some differences will be the foundation of a successful co-parenting relationship.

Your concerns about education are not misplaced. Bow is a top school system. I am willing to collaborate on a new plan for pick up and drop offs to implement into the parenting plan, once we discuss ideas and suggestions.

I’ve known about OM since before the divorce, it has been painful for me to watch this unfold. Please do not bring him by the house again, I believe this is a reasonable request.

For me, what I would like to see from you is respectful communications that are constructive, positive, and supportive that will be beneficial for the two of us that are the hallmark of a mutually supportive (within reason) and respectful co-parenting relationship, which will support the children’s future. I am sure there will be some bumps along the way. However, I am receptive to exchanging information in order to move forward.

I would appreciate your patience, understanding, and respect for this process. And if there is something I say that makes you uncomfortable, I'd certainly appreciate if you bring it to my attention because I want this to be a two-way street.

Thank you for listening and trying to keep the lines of communication open.

Mahhhty

[Wonka]

Mahhhty,

The bolded portion is somewhat misplaced. If you would re-read the whole message, you can sense that it does not flow smoothly. Here's a suggestion:

X,

I appreciate your recent efforts to resolve the education discussions.

I believe that disagreements will arise from time to time as to be expected with divorced people who bring various views to the table when it comes to co-parenting young children. I am willing to try and work things out with you that is in the best interests of the children. Please understand that it is not ideal to litigate every disagreement. It is not a reasonable nor practical thing to do at all.

There will be times when we may not necessarily agree on some issues. In my mind, being able to show mutual respect for some differences will be the foundation of a successful co-parenting relationship.

Your concerns about education are not misplaced. Bow is a top school system. I am willing to collaborate on a new plan for pick up and drop offs to implement into the parenting plan, once we discuss ideas and suggestions.

For me, what I would like to see from you is respectful communications that are constructive, positive, and supportive that will be beneficial for the two of us that are the hallmark of a mutually supportive (within reason) and respectful co-parenting relationship, which will support the children’s future. I am sure there will be some bumps along the way. However, I am receptive to exchanging information in order to move forward.

I would appreciate your patience, understanding, and respect for this process. And if there is something I say that makes you uncomfortable, I'd certainly appreciate if you bring it to my attention because I want this to be a two-way street.

There is one matter that needs to be raised here. I’ve known about OM since before the divorce, it has been painful for me to watch this unfold. I would ask that OM not be around or stop by my house ever again. I am not comfortable with it at all. Please do not bring him by the house again, I believe this is a reasonable request.

Thank you for listening and trying to keep the lines of communication open.

Mahhhty

[Ginger1]

Keeping personal emotion out of it is the best, really difficult, but best. It is a completely reasonable request for her not to bring OM to house. I had the same request for years, actually. Now, I let her in my house with nobody home the other day to drop something off...... I would actually like to suggest something, and this is just from years of experience in this "field"..... I might take out the "ever again". This is something you may not be able to wrap your head around at this stage, it's something people never wrap their head around, and it took me years to do so myself....and please, I apologize if my timing isn't right with this...... they might get serious one day. They might get married one day. They might be involved in your kids lives. and you might be letting him come by to drop off your kids, or a project for your kids like OWW wife did the other day. So for now, yeah, completely understandable, ask for her not to bring him by the house. But maybe leave off the "ever" again.


It's a process to accept the OP. my ex put OW in my daughters life when she was a baby, and I believe before he dropped the bomb. I did say my daughter was never to be left alone with her until I OK'd it (probably didn't listen) and I asked that he lets me know when she moved in and when they get engaged. He complied. I also offered the same respect that when I date someone, I will let him know when I plan on introducing her to him. I only introduced one, he knew about it, was fine with it (considering it was 8 years down the pipes) and he thanked me for doing so.

Again, I apologize if this is too much to wrap your head around right now. This is not something I encourage you to do right now or even in the near future. You will know when it is needed or right. Sometimes it never is. But it's also a possibility. That's why I say to leave off the "NEVER again".

[mahhhty]

Wonka - You are right it should be realigned as you identified.

Ginger - I think your point is a valid one. The most certainly are serious. Together they have carried on a relationship in closed doors, manufactured a divorce, introduced into the kids lives on their own, swapped kidneys, and most recently bought a house together. I'm sure he isn't going away anytime soon. I will drop the never again.

We have our S's birthday party, which we compiled at the last minute. I guess that is a win. I will send this to her after the party. I don't need additional drama before it.

[Gmum]

I'm sorry, Mahhhthy.

My kid has a birthday coming up very soon. The thought of throwing a party with my ex makes me want to scream. Ugh!

[mahhhty]

Hello All.

I hope you had a good 4th! Unfortunately, I didn't have my munchkins this year (I had them last year), but I had a good 4th nonetheless.

I sent the response Wonka and Co. graciously helped me write. She responded and we moved forward slightly. Email communication has been a little more prevalent but she still doesn't respond to any items that are out of her comfort zone. I've asked twice to meet to discuss the school situation as I see email being an inefficient medium, but she doesn't respond.

I have a long way to go with non-violent communication but I enjoy the concept and look forward to getting smarter within it.

I had an unfortunate but very therapeutic moment when I picked the kids up from her new house which the OM lives/owns with her. Its apparent, obvious and ridiculous of me to think otherwise. This is where I am. I'm not sure I had such acceptance until then. Painful? Yes. But no more painful that accepting that which I can not control. There would be many questions I would ask her in a perfect world, but honestly, none of it matters in the grand scheme. Acceptance of what I can not control came swiftly. Since that occurred a couple of weeks ago, I have meet 2 different girls who randomly gave me their numbers... Almost as if it was meant to be that way. I'm not in a rush and the idea of dating seems perhaps stressful, but it is undeniably my next step.

My children got me through the hardest part of my entire life. I miss them everyday I don't get to see them, and I love them unconditionally with every part of my being. I love being their father more than anything else and I will give up everything else to see them more. I want them to know each and every day that their dad loves them.