Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #2]

[ForGump]

You wrote this on lt0402's thread, but I thought I'd bring it over here...

The only way I'd change that advice would be if you have a strong aversion to affirmatively doing anything to bring about a D. Many here do.

I'm in a no-fault state. My W would like us to try to do a DIY divorce, and if we can't agree, try a mediator, and if that doesn't work use lawyers. If a D were to happen, this approach makes sense to me to the extent that we agree -- at least in general terms/philosophy -- about custody (50-50) and ... there is at least a fair chance we'd agree on property, because we are both fairly non-materialistic, we don't own any big ticket items, and we generally have good will towards each other.

However, there is also a fair chance for things to become contentious, because I think my W doesn't really understand our financial situations and the ramifications of getting a D. She has been a SAHM, and I've handled all financial issues because she admits to having poor impulse control on spending, and handling money is too anxious for her (in retrospect I wish I had handled this differently, instead of taking it all upon myself). I don't think my W realizes that a D would mean downgrading our overall lifestyle, and her likely having to work FT at a fairly menial position.

She picked up the DIY D paperwork, and I agreed to look it over before meeting together to discuss it. I've been sitting on it for about a week. Haven't even opened the folder. I'm a little torn. On the one hand, it would be an act of detachment and a 180 to move this forward. On the other hand, I want to do nothing to move the D forward. I don't feel any motivation to taking a step towards seeing my kids only half of the time.

My inaction by default has put the ball back in her court. I'm sure she will remind me to look it over and meet. And if I don't comply, she will probably threaten to get a L and get it done. A typical retainer around here for a D L is about $5k, for a straight-forward case.

So, what do DB principles say? Do nothing, and burn through $5k (or $10k if I get a L too)? Or cooperate as she wants? FWIW, $10k is a lot of money to us....

[PsySara]

Unless you are in the last resort while your spouse is in an affair then DBing discourages doing anything to move the divorce forward. This may be a moot point if your W doesn't have the money for a retainer. DBing would be for you to kindly inform her that you do not want a divorce and therefore will not hinder her but will not actively help the forward movement of a divorce.

A HUGE piece of DBing is the GAL. Make yourself very busy and not as available to your W. She needs to feel loss. Meanwhile you need to return to the person you were before meeting your wife. A confident guy who wouldn't wait around for some chic to decide if you were worth pursuing. Make a list of your qualities before your W, see if you can find the good part of yourself and build it up.

[ForGump]

PsySara-- thanks for your response. Makes me think... which is good.

I think simply refusing to provide pertinent information could just deepen my WW's view that I'm the source of her problems, and that I'm clinging onto her. A 180 might be to say proactively, "You wanna go, then go."

Also, in my situation, I think us spelling out the practical ramifications of a D would be eye-opening for her. A big part of her fantasy world is how life would be after the D. She doesn't realize what a struggle it would be for her economically -- and how much she's see our kids less. This might seem elementary to some, but I believe my W just is not able to truly grasp hypotheticals until/unless she's knee deep in it.

My IC is encouraging me to go forward w/ the D, because she thinks it'll be a big wake-up call for my WW. I've not made up my mind on this, and will think on what you said.

I think I've been doing a fair job of GAL. I've unhitched my life to hers to the extent possible while living together. We do coordinate kids & dinner still -- there is probably some room for improving my DETACH/GAL/180 there. But setting her up to experience some loss is difficult while living together. Working on it though! Thanks for your encouragement.

[JRuss]

[quote=ForGump]WW noticed I'm not catering to all her needs as before, sent me a note sounding annoyed. I told her it wasn't about her, it was about me moving forward, learning not to be mothering. She replied, "I'm glad I was interpreting things wrong, as I often do."

This is outstanding.

[JRuss]

Seems like re the DIY paperwork, you get at least one reminder nag before she'd run out and lawyer up. You can then look it over at the pace that suits you. Maybe even put one of those alerts in place that prevents withdrawals from your accounts above a certain amount so that you at least know in real time if she's trying to write a big L check.

I sense, though, that maybe a part of you thinks it might be a good idea not to aggressively fight her but to instead let her put her own neck into the noose of her own making. Just based on what you've said previously, she maybe needs to experience the hardship -- or at least be advised as to the gory, much less comfortable details -- she'll face if she gets what she thinks she wants. It might make her stop and take stock of what she has, instead of focusing only on what her life and her marriage isn't.

That's the holy grail, isn't it? Getting to that changed way of looking at the world? We LBS may have gotten unhealthily attached, we may have stopped living our own lives as we started to understand our spouse was pulling away, but the one thing we never stopped doing was elevating in our minds/hearts the good in our spouse and affirmatively choosing not to stew on the bad. It seems like that's all it takes to get Rs back on track -- that one (big) shift back. But it's a lot.

[ForGump]

JRuss-- great thoughts, as usual.

Yes, I think stonewalling her on the D process takes me to her level of immaturity. It seems the D process is not the core issue, it's a symptom. I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to wage war on technicalities. I don't want her to feel like I'm fighting at all -- I want to drop the rope.

On the other hand, it just doesn't feel right for me to participate in taking practical steps towards seeing less of my kids.

Wrestling with it....

[lt0402]

My IC is encouraging me to go forward w/ the D, because she thinks it'll be a big wake-up call for my WW. I've not made up my mind on this, and will think on what you said.

FG, I think my IC would tend to agree with yours. My W also has a view of what "our" post M lives look like that seems very unrealistic. IC believes that as we move through this process it may serve as a wake up call to her.

With that said, who knows. Right now it's extremely difficult w/ in-house S. I will say that the more I think about it, maybe it's bad if we stall for the sake of stalling. If nothing is ever changing in the situation, how do we ever make any progress. It's almost like we're waiting for OM to screw things up w/ our WWs which could takes months, if not longer.

By moving things to the next step, at least you're changing the layout of the game. Puts you in a new place to see if it drives any change in your WW. Just rambling at this point.

Hang in there though FG!

[JRuss]

ForGump -- that's a horribly hard decision that only you can make. But I'd point out that per your earlier post, you're in a no-fault state. So you will be divorced, if your W wants it badly enough, no matter what you do (or don't do). With that being the case, the two of you spending a huge amount of money -- money that you, your W and kids will definitely need if there is a split -- probably isn't in the best interests of your children.

For your own peace of mind, you could, with the kids' finanical well-being in mind, maybe (slowly) work through the DIY process, healthily DBing/working on your sitch all the while (if that feels right for you), maybe even tell your W you're only going along sans Ls to preserve assets you'll both need when both of your financial situations worsen considerably post-divorce (might be eye opening for your W?). Not sure -- it's very hard.

[ForGump]

Saw IC. She thinks I'm being too nice, and enabling cake-eating. She generally advises that I be kind but firm, and don't explain too much, just to be brief. She said too much explanation allows the W to put the focus on me, rather than keeping it in her court -- she's the one instigating the D, and she needs to process the logic of it and the consequences in her own head. I'm persuaded that she's right on all of it.

[ForGump]

W wants to have a pow-wow this a.m. about parenting S8, who has been questioning her about her NOT wearing her wedding band, and whose general attitude/disposition toward W -- she feels -- has been deteriorating.

I have been afflicted by AndrewP's predilection for mind reading. My brain is buzzing -- not from my doubleshot espresso this morning -- but from the fear of a mini- or midsized-BD.

I feel like Voldemort is squatting in the back half of my head, and has popped two bloodshot eyeballs out the back, and is drooling viciously. Yesterday FB gave me one of those blasts-from-the-past photos, showing our family when S8 was born. I felt like I was looking at us in a parallel universe, a W whose warmth and beauty I could no longer recognize. She was beautiful to me because she was so warm.

Now I expect to come away from the mid-morning pow-wow w/ some horrific death nugget for my brain about an announcement about some EA/PA that my S8 has inadvertently witnessed, and has affected his attitude.

God damn all this to hell.