I am sorry you had a bad day. What Sunny said is spt on. What's the worst thing NG can do? You have been together a while. If you feel it and want to say it, then go for it.
Hoping today is better. Hugs!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I don't have the strength of character to walk away.
Seriously? There's not a person here that believes you in any way lack strength of character. You have it in spades.
So let's imagine you say it, he doesn't love you back, and you don't walk away. A year or two ago this might have been concerning. Now, it's a choice, not a character flaw. You are self-aware enough and have the right boundaries in place to make an intelligent decision whether this is a situation you'd like to live with or not. Give yourself some credit here, Maybell.
Here's an idea I just had reading about your ILY dilemma: How about having a discussion about the phrase ILY with him? When is it okay to say it? What does it mean? What's the difference between love and liking a lot?
I said ILY to ex-NG too fast: 2 months into the R and it made me look emotionally dependent. Later, we had discussions about what it means to each of us, when it should come, etc. It was a much better way to get to know where we stand than just saying ILY outright and see what happens.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The part that really jumped out at me, Maybell, was the comment that IF, and I do mean IF, NG said he was not there yet to being in love with you that you'd have to walk away. Why on earth would that be the case? It's not like he'd be giving you the old ILYBINILWY line. Moreover why if you decide to say it would he then automatically be required to say it? You most certainly cant think that you get to decide this timetable for both of you? I know you're smarter than all of this. So then I gave to think that you're just way overthinking all of it. I get it, it's really scary to be that vulnerable and put it all on the line. I'm guessing that's what it really is. But what if you both are waiting? And then I have to raise the point of how emotionally honest are you being with this guy if you're feeling something but not sharing it? Most certainly there is an appropriate window many people would follow.
If I was a guy, and by the way I am, lol, and if I was a guy who was cautious and not wanting to go too fast or get in too deep, and by the way I'm these things too, I can't tell you how great it would make me feel if you came to me and said something like, "things are obviously going well with us and at some point if that keeps going we are going I fall in live here - it that's not already happened. I have to tell you, even though part of me thinks that would be incredible, another part of me is scared shitless." I can't tell you if his response to "I love you" will be me too, but I'm betting his response to these comments will be ME TOO.
So FWIW, I'd really suggest you gave that conversation with him. I think it will do both of you a whole buch of good and will likely make you feel better and take the pressure off. And it's okay if either you or him are not there yet. Two years from now I'd a different story but not at this point.
And one more thing, I think you already knew all this. You're a very smart lady. You just needed a little reassurance. You are following nag and will do just fine. And just be ne more item from another guy, from all you've told us, including him seeing you as part of his retirement plans, this guy loves you whether he is ready to admit it yet or not. .
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Do you think maybe he is scared YOU won't say it back? It's possible.
I've exchanged those words with 2 people in my life. One, my exH and it took him TWO YEARS to say it. And I had said it took him a long time to return those words. My ex isn't a stellar example, but in his own way he did love me. And when he did start saying it, he said it all the time.
The other was ex NG, two MONTHS in, and he said it first. But he kept implying it but hard a hard time getting it out. I felt it but I did not expect those words to be exchanged for a while.
And the difference I see here is that your guy actually SHOWS it. His ACTUONS are extremely loving to you. My ex NG said it, stopped saying it because he actually made an effort to stop trying to love me. But I needed to see it and feel it more than anything. As in an ounce of effort for him to see me and make sacrifices.
I don't think you would have to walk away if he couldn't say the words right now. It certainly seems as if he shows you in his actions. Love is an ACTION.
The words used to be so important to me. Now, they really mean crap. I'd love to see it and feel it the way you do.
Well, I see everyone's point. And I totally botched things over the weekend and we didn't get there. But I tried to start the conversation at least a little bit and I think it's moving in that direction. It's very interesting. However, the main take away is: I need to relax. And trust him.
He came up with four projects at my house that he suggested we do this weekend. Two of them I want to do but haven't mentioned -- he's investing in my home in ways that make it more comfortable for him as well as us. I see that for what it is.
He's only my 3rd relationship in my life, the first two were Mr. Fantastic and my horrible college boyfriend who was very dysfunctional. Mr. Fantastic said it, and meant it as far as he is able, in 6 weeks and the college boyfriend said it on the 3rd date (I know, I would have run, but I was being a stupid teenager...) I didn't want My Guy to say it before, but now that I want it I want it RIGHT NOW. I guess I haven't grown up as much as I thought. Although they were used on me cheaply before, I look forward to hearing them now because when he is comfortable using them then *I* will be free to use them as much as I want to. He does a lot for me and there isn't so much I can do back for him. He has been lonely and I want him to understand his importance to me.
I should be able to say ILY without needing to hear it back, but I'm just not able to. When I've said other things about how I feel about him, without hearing it reciprocated, I get upset and it's a struggle to maintain my composure. It feels like a rejection. I'm already nervous about how quickly we came together, and nervous that I am trusting someone with my heart after getting it stomped on not that long ago. I'm not trying to be controlling.
In other news, the kids started school today and it was 100% smoother than last year, thankfully. When I was loading the school calendar into the family calendar and the paper one I keep for the kids (so they know who they're spending the weekend with, etc.), I noticed that Mr. Fantastic is out of town this week. So he won't be spending any of his week nights with the kids as usual. But he hadn't told them. So I got to. They took it very quietly but later, when he texted me to ask if they could talk on the phone, D13 said "Why is he taking an interest in us all of a sudden? He hasn't wanted to talk on the phone in months." That stung. Each kid spent maybe 3 minutes on the phone with him.
I seldom wonder this, but tonight I do: Is this what he thinks parenting is? Checking in once in a while when it occurs to him? How can he live with himself, making plans with less regard for their feelings than if he was an uncle or a family friend? My Guy is more engaged with their well-being than Mr. Fantastic. He's so engaged, in fact, that I sometimes disagree with him about his suggestions, but they are ALWAYS appropriate to the problem we are discussing.
Ginger, yes, love is an action. Thank you for the reminder. I'm lucky beyond my deserving.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Maybell, reading your posts above I would agree with others and relax back and enjoy the R as it is just now. I do think that seeking an ILY puts a pressure bar in there and there's no need to do that. Your guys seems invested in the R and is good to your kids, is affectionate to you and so on....relax and enjoy I would say...:-) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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