Feeling lost 2

[srt]

checking in again folks

we have been to counselling and W now wants to date to "see how she feels" about me. This terrifies me to be honest and I know I am not detached and getting my hopes up - hard to 2x4 myself when I want this so much yet I don't know why?

She is still showing big signs of MLC, moans at having no money and feeling old.

I also think she is trying to trap me - corner me into saying it will not work so I must D her, that will not be happening.

We have met up on a few occasions, I have found it hard to accept behaviour of my son at these - he is particularly clingy and stupid around W and this annoys me since he is very polite and mature in my company. W was getting annoyed at me reprimanding him so I asked her what she expected me to do? I'd like to say we sorted this out but in the end I think she was just looking for a rise so I STFU.

We have some couple dates coming up, and it seems so long since we did anything together, since kids have taken up so much of our time. Any tips on how to manage this since our counsellor has said we really should be targeting spending time EACH DAY, with each other. At the moment this seems miles away (and it is!) so would like any tips or strategies that may help to move things along without being pushy.

I now need to make sure I relax, and I'm calm and super confident around her, I know she said she misses me making her laugh and being funny. Guess I need to keep working on that!

[Sotto]

Hi SRT - in terms of the dates, I think the phrase "move things along without being pushy" is the one to watch out for. That's still trying to control things and move them in the direction you want.

I think the best way would be to accept things are just as they are right now. However, you are an interesting and funny guy and two hours in your company can be pleasant. If you can achieve that with no expectations or trying to "move things" that is the best way I think.

Just remember, tiny drops will fill the bucket up....but it does take time and patience...

[srt]

Hi Sotto, thanks, as always, patience and acceptance seem the key.

I kow I feel I must stoke the fire before it goes out, haste would not allow her to fully see me though...

I guess I need to keep up my spirits and have no expectations - more difficult to do than say.

[srt]

struggling a little to know how to approach this "dating" - especially in times when I'm not with W and have the kids.

Do I continue DBing and minimising contact? Or do I start to soften a bit more?

I'm reluctant to arrange family things during the time I have kids if she is not willing to do that in "her" time - seems like cake eating and I will have enabled it.

Regarding dates - should I be the one to bring it up, or always let her? Previously I was not the best at arranging stuff like this and usually left it to her - a 180 or pursuing?

[srt]

hey folks, checking in again

have found the last few days difficult again, dates seem to be going ok (reluctant to say "well" since I don't want to get my hopes up - yeah I know about expectations!!!)

I'm guilty of always overthinking things, and I know she is "scared" of getting hurt / doing the work.

Any tips on my last questions?

[doodler]

srt,

I read your last few posts. I don't have any tips for you, but your posts did give me some food for thought. What would I do if my WW wanted to date me? (Um yeah, that's never going to happen.)

I've changed so much that I have difficulty imagining dating my wife. I'd certainly make my WW pay for the dates. Assuming we'd go to a restaurant, I'd probably hump her leg at the restaurant just to create an embarrassing scene. Then maybe we could go to a movie and I could dump popcorn in her lap. And at the end of the night, I'd get her to pull my finger and then have her Uber herself home. In other words, I'd try to make it an unforgettable evening.

[srt]

Hi doodler, thanks for the reply!

Not quite sure how to take it though??

Yes I'm very reluctant to show all my cards or throw myself in there - she has to show she WANTS this. However I then get worried about a stalemate. How can I keep the door open without being a doormat and allowing her to eat cake? I take this as me meaning she must instigate dates, and volunteer "family time" in her contact time.

Another poster put it as give back exactly as much as she puts in...

What I want to know is do I keep doing full on DB during the time, nc, no pursuing etc etc, or do I soften slightly to see what will happen.

Very confused, and concerned, but want to be consistent since I am worried about being played on this...

Guess she still has a long way to go to rebuild my trust

[doodler]

Hi doodler, thanks for the reply!

Not quite sure how to take it though??

srt,

What I said wasn't meant to be taken any particular way. I certainly wasn't trying to imply that you should be the date from h3ll. Mostly, I was thinking aloud. When I read your post I realized that if I had to start dating my wife I'd be at a loss as to what to do.

I don't think I'd make it the date from h3ll as I'd suggested in my previous post, but given my situation, I would be very skeptical of my wife's motives. However, I probably would hump her leg in public as a tiny payback for all of the trouble she's brought my way (and it'd be fun).

[srt]

Hi, your reply brought a little light into my day!

I struggle to stop myself overthinking these things.

I know I need to let go of any resentment I have, be open to reconcilliation, but also avoid cake eating - a delicate balance.

I also need to remind myself that neither my W or I need to do this (dating) so I guess I just gotta keep taking it a day at a time and remaining upbeat.

[srt]

Not sure if I'm needing a hit, but it struck me that maybe I should now be behaving differently since in effect I think I might be in "piecing", the early stages?

Am I being too optimistic? Or does this signal a change in tactics?

I am worried my W thinks I have been "playing" her, since I've tried to dish out tough love with all her decisions and interactions so far.