Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[Cherry]

You're doing great, and I'm glad to hear you being a fantastic dad to your children and enjoying your getaway. And what a getaway, stunning.

I'm knocked sideways at the way your w is even acting towards even your children, especially from a moms pov. Good on you for surrounding them with love and stability, they need that.

I know that feeling when you feel you're getting on and a simple thing can remind you about them. I don't think there's any quick fix for that. But keep on keeping on and I'm sure it will ease with time.

[bigybiz]

Cherry: Thanks for your post.

Yes, I never would have thought W would have left S10. I initially thought he would be sad without mom. But, he is fine. He never asks about her, never wants to call her, etc. His behaviour is almost better - as he is just dealing with me, so no parental ping pong,

She wants to blame me for everything and that feeds her resolve. Her new friends, none of which know me or her kids are telling her that she can't be happy with me. A few of the local divorcee mums celebrate when another marriage ends and are thrilled to give her bad advice i.e. She is the mom, I should have left the house, the kids should go back and forth between two house, she should not support the house, etc.

I will continue to fill in the hole she left in our home. The house has not lost a beat. This is very anti DB but, I do enjoy it when she comes over and is "shaken" to see we are moving forward without her. Projects are getting done, my cooking/meal planning is getting rave revues and the kids seem to enjoy spending time with me and seeing me transform.

I don't know if she is emailing S15 - I don't look at his phone. I do see the emails she sends S10 - which he never checks. Those emails are focused on her.

As Sandi2 says for a W to leave her children and pets she has to be WW.

[bigybiz]

Tonight, W shows up unscheduled. She wanted to see S10 and S15 - She's not seen them in 3 weeks. W came in, told S10 to tell me she was here. I motioned to W to come to kitchen, I said hello, she and my sister hugged. I gave her a quick update on S15, who had left for camp. We talked very briefly about the week. S10 showed her a souvenir from the trip, I walked her to the door and said goodbye.

When I see her tomorrow for her reg visit I'm thinking I will say. I understand you wanted to see the boys yesterday, in the future it would be best if you called before you came over. That would save time if S10 is out or I have guests etc.

How does that sound? Is it detached enough?

[Zues126]

That would save time if S10 is out or I have guests etc.

I don't like this addition. It suggests that you need a reason to not be interrupted. You don't need an excuse, it is your family time, that's it.

I'm assuming the issue right now is that there isn't clear parental time. Maybe that's a better way to address it. Like:

The children need their mother and I want to support your relationship. At some point that will probably look like a schedule that defines what our parental time is and ensures the children have a life with both parents. For now we need to work that out between the two of us. I can't have you dropping by unannounced as that is a disruption to the evening I have planned with the kids, so please communicate with me ahead of time so we can find a way to make sure you get the time you all need. Thank you.

[bigybiz]

Zues126:

Thanks for your post. The issue for me really is respect, Sandi2 has hammered home to me (Thanks Sandi2), that demanding respect from the WW is key.

[bigybiz]

Here is today's issue. W is supposed to provide $900 twice a month (on the 1st and 15th). Well today (2 days late), I sent her a message asking when the 15th payment will arrive. I receive a nonsense excuse about software, computers, etc. Later in the day a transfer of $800 arrives not $900.

So what do I do. She has arbitrarily short changed me $100. Do I call, message, etc to say when in the other $100 coming? Or do I pick my battles?

If I'm acting as if... I don't need the $100.

I don't want to be nickel and diming

Background.

We have no formal agreement - no docs signed, no sep agreement, etc

All $ are Cdn

We were a one income family up until she returned to the workforce 3 years ago.

Her contribution is approx 30% of the household expenses. I cover the other 70% .

She claims she is giving me 1/2 of her paycheque and the other $1800 a month just covers her expenses i.e. rent, cell phone, transit, phone, etc.

I'm self employed so my income rises and falls

She has done this once before and because of that we missed our MTG payment

Ok DB'ers. What's your advice?

I'm thinking, when I see her on Thursday. I should say - When are you sending the other $100?

[SH_]

Why don't you have a formal agreement if she has moved out?

[bigybiz]

Don't really need one. We worked out the details with the Dr. during MC. The Dr. encouraged us (rightly so) that the best chance of success is if we can work together and not give 35k - 50k to lawyers.

Besides Ontario law is fairly cut and dry. It's no fault and all math.

[SH_]

So what happens if she decides not to work together with you?
Are you saying that an L would cost 35k to draw up a formal finance plan?
What is the consequence to you if she were to run up debt?
Are you responsible if she does that?

[bigybiz]

I can carry all the costs on my own and she can walk off into the sunset. I would not chase her for a dime. That's why the $100 is not really an issue.

I'm also wondering if it is a 180 on her part. Is she doing something to get a reaction from me? I know I can't believe in what she says but she is upset that since we separated and since she left this household is thriving. Projects are being completed, we are doing fun things, the house is clean and kinda tidy, and no one - D20, S15, S10 is complaining? No one is wishing mom was her to do...

So what do you do with a spoiled child or a WW - who is playing games with small amounts of $?

She can't borrow against the house without my signature. If she applies for credit - it is hers.

No the 35k in leagal fee's would happen when we need to work out a formal D, division of asset, custody arrangement of children etc.