The Steel Beneath the Soft Exterior

[Esame]

As for me, I feel like I am in a good place. It's the best emotional, physical and spiritual place I have been in yet since MLC struck my life. I feel my old calmness returned to me. I used to be a very calm, patient person.

I had a dream that he left and I was fine with it. I accepted it and looked forward to my future. For the first time I knew I could pull my kids through it. I am already doing it. Most days, despite the fact that I live in this crazy limbo, I look forward to my future, whatever it may be. I look at what I have survived in my life and I realize I can withstand some pretty hard knocks

HW it sounds like you are at a good place considering the amount of crazy you have to deal with. I recently had similar thoughts, about the kids being ok without him I mean. When this first started I was mortified at the prospect of raising my children alone, but I am getting used at the idea now.

I admire your patience, I really do! Also your truth dart theory is amazing, I tried to implement it too, and when I start talking to H again I sure will use truth darts again.

[HaWho]

Thanks KML, Job and Esame.

Well, I've been pretty busy over here. This week S now 13 (yikes) decided he wanted to redocorate his room and keep it clean from now on! He typically leaves his clothes all over the floor and his dresser drawers wide open. It usually looks like he was just robbed. Anyway, we spruced it up and he seems to be lying dormant in their A LOT now. That's two boys (one being h) neatly incubating in their cocoons. S's room is all done and it looks great. I go in a lot and tell him I want to move in, too. That gets son laughing.

A little drama with h and s13. A few weeks ago I had mentioned a road trip that sounded interesting. H said we should go at some point. I said sure and assumed he forgot.

But then h decided to ask if we all wanted to go. S13 was a little dismissive as he wanted to do something with his friends instead. S13 could have been more polite. But boy did it escalate! H texted me that he no longer wanted to go as S was being an ingrate. Then he told me he would never invite him on another vacation ever! Oh dear. We were texting back and forth, mostly I was trying to explain that S is a teenager and needs guidance. I told him none of this is personal. S just had his annual physical and his pediatrician said these next 4 years will be hard. (Hah! My h has already gone crazy so I know a thing or two about hard.)

I actually ended up going to the dreaded stinky dorm room. I took two minutes and explained to h that these are formative years for S. That he will make mistakes and needs tremendous support, loads of forgiveness and heaps of unconditional love. H was hostile all around. The tiny slight from S13 was blown all out of proportion. Later h went to S13's room and softened. I heard him smooth it over and talk to him. I didn't expect h to smooth it over. I talked to him so that maybe someday, if he wakes up he can remember that I tried reasoning with him. I remembered that when I woke up from my own depression.

We did end up going away even though I was exhausted by all the drama and kind of didn't want to go anymore. But it was a nice getaway! We went to a wooded area and h was ever on the lookout for bears. Maybe he went to face his fears?!? Who knows.

There was a funny moment where we were in the grocery store and h asked me to read ingredients on the bottle because the light was bad! Yeah, right! It's always dark in those grocery stores, eh? He still cannot admit his vision has shifted due to age!

At bedtime, it was awkward. H had said that the boys would sleep upstairs and "mom and I" would be downstairs. A while later I checked out downstairs and was relieved to see there was a twin bed adjacent to the master room. Phfew!

But, then somehow things got re-shuffled. S11 decided he wanted to sleep on the living room couch because the sheets in his room were scratchy. (He is my little Prince and the Pea!!). But after I came out of the bathroom from brushing my teeth S13 was not on the couch and not in the room with S13. When I went downstairs, he was on the twin bed! I was about to go upstairs to figure out where I would sleep when h met me. I told him I could sleep upstairs. He said no, it was ok. So we slept in the same bed. We just read for about a half hour and then said goodnight. I felt nothing. Kind of scary.

In the middle of the night, our arms happened to be touching and I also felt absolutely nothing. No anger, no sadness, no nostalgia, etc.

Last night I told h something from outside the dorm room. It's so rare to see any humor from the MLCer. H cracked a joke. He said he would open the door but he was relaxing in his cheetah print boxers. This is the sort of way he used to joke all the time. I laughed and said "well, whatever floats your boat in there."

This morning I left early to play tennis. When I came back h and sons were out. And the dorm room door was left wide open. I thought it would be so funny to throw a stuffed bear in there, under his pillow, maybe? I didn't go near the room. A package came for him and I left it in his hallway.

[job]

HaWho,
Your h is a work in progress. He's still very much acting like a kid and his feelings were hurt when your son didn't want to go on the road trip. However, you did an excellent job of explaining how things were going to be up and down w/S13 for the next few years. I think he heard what you had to say and I'm glad your h smoothed things over w/his son. Truthfully, I think they are now at the same age. Maybe your h will discover how nice and clean his s's room is and decide to clean his up too. Competition does run wild w/the MLCer. If you want to try an experiment, mention how clean s's room is and how much better it smells...let's see if your h takes the hints.

I'm glad you and your family took the road trip. How did your h sleep in the bed w/you? Was he hugging the edge or did he sleep in the middle of his side w/out moving?

I don't think your h is forgetting to close and lock his dorm room door. I think he's starting to feel more comfortable in the fact that you aren't going in there, as well as testing to see if you will.

Overall, I think you are handling your situation very well. You've got the patience of a saint.

[2Times2Many]

HaWho,

Once again, your patience amazes me. The idea of putting a stuffed bear in the dorm room made me chuckle. Love your sense of humor.

When my kids were in their teens I used to joke with them that when you hit the teen-age years you became brain dead and remain so until you hit 20. Over the years, whenever they'd do something dumb, I'd just joke that it's okay, their brains would start working again in a few years. They knew it was all in fun and a couple of times I actually heard, "Sorry, Mom. You know I'm brain dead!"

Interesting turn of events regarding the sleeping sitch. I think we reach a point where our expectations are at or are near zero, so it doesn't surprise me that you didn't have much in the way of feelings while in the same the bed with him. If/when the sitch improves, I imagine that would change.

xoxoxo
2T

[ciluzen]

HaWho,

I'm always amazed at how well you are able to deal with your H and his antics. As Job said, you do have the patience of a saint. It seems like your H, though, is starting to listen more to you and (as shown by actually trying to smooth things over with your S) have some respect for how you parent and see things. If that's true, that's a big thing!
Your stories of how you do things are very educational for your fellow posters. Thank you for your wisdom and example!

[HaWho]

Thanks Job, 2T and Ciluzen,

Job - he slept in the middle and seemed very comfortable doing so. At one point in the night, I heard him leave bed for a few minutes and then return. I was facing the middle of the bed. And he faced the middle. I could sense him watching me and it weirded me out. But I just pretended I was asleep.

When h came up to smooth things over with S13, I was in the room. H complimented how neat it was and how much he liked it. He also said s's room was better, which it is, as h is in the smallest room of the house. And I am pretty sure the next day, I heard h cleaning up his room a bit. I heard him throwing away old papers. So maybe he has already cleaned up the room to compete with S13? But, I will compliment and try your experiment Job.

I have noticed that the last 3 times I "reasoned" w/h that he followed my advice. For those coming after me, when I was talking to him, although he was dismissive and hostile, when I left he softened and ultimately took my advice. What has worked is to be quick, say little, don't disagree, just quietly make my point and leave. I limit it to 2 minutes no matter what.

Here is an example of how warped h's thinking is. When I went in to talk to him about the fact that these next years with S13 will be hard, I told h that it is proven that there is a regression in logic that occurs in the teenage years; just as 2T pointed out! H told me he didn't really believe that! Um, okay. I didn't say anything but I am witnessing the regression in S13!!! (This week son told me he wants to pick classes based on his friends!!! Uhh, no. I told him that's why there are placement and standardized tests!)

And then h told me that he had absolutely no difficulties whatsoever in the teenage years! In fact he basically insinuated he was perfect in the teenage years and they were all easy. Yeah, sure! And that's why he so put together at 47. I pictured a steam roller and just rolled right over that stupidity; smoothing that nonsense in my head.

One last thing. The other day h made food for S11 before his practice. This is noteworthy as he only takes care of himself these days. I came home and he had made him 2 hotdogs, 10 chicken nuggets, 2 carrots and 2 bananas! OMG, S11 is 70 lbs. so 80% of it was uneaten. But I complimented. I thanked him and in front of h, told S11 he was fortunate to have such a nice meal and a dad who cared enough to make it.

An hour later when they left for practice, I happened to look at my phone and there were two messages from h from an hour ago asking if I was coming home to make S his food! I am so glad I didn't see them. I would have come home angry. H was home and yet texting me to make food for S11 like he was the brother and not the father.

MLC is just pure crazy.

[mleigh4]

HW, I remember reading something about how the active brain of teenagers changes because of hormonal changes. Think of PMS, it's that for years straight! Can you imagine? They need patience and understanding during these times.

I am glad you explained this to your H and I definitely see a pattern where he is listening to you. I agree with Job, seems he is at S13 mentality most times.

You are handling things so great. Keep it up!

Xxoo M

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I cannot imagine that. That's awful.

So I think I need some advice or maybe just support. My anniversary is tomorrow and I feel like my mind is pell-mell. I am 99% sure that I am not buying a card.

First, something tells me I am not going to find an appropriate one that fits my marital situation. Just a hunch. Ha ha. Secondly, I was drop kicked so what on earth am I "celebrating?" How crazy is it to think I can say "happy anniversary!"? My best shot would be to buy one of those cards where I can record my own message. "H: FYI- this anniversary I am still trying to outlast this craziness that is your MLC. Know that while you are hiding in your locked dorm room, I am thinking of you."

And yet, I feel like I *should* buy a card. I have slowed myself down and tried to figure out why I feel this way. I think part of it is I am trying to be the lighthouse. But, I think I am muddling things. Maybe this is the sort of thing that I feel I should do because it's always what I have done? It's probably a knee-jerk thing--like the heart that keeps beating after the brain is dead?

I don't think he is going to give me a card. But in my head I have played it out if he did. And what seems appropriate is to give a quick truth dart rather than handing a card back. My first instinct is to give a card back. But then, honestly, I like to run around with my iron and my board and fix every crease. But that's not my job. So the 180 is to do nothing or give a gentle truth dart.

I just cannot quiet my mind on this. And then, I just go and repeat this whole crazy thought process.

[Brubeck]

I have already thought about this for myself, and my own conclusion is to not bother. Maybe buy a card and keep it handy in case he buys you a card.

If your H - like so many MLCers - doesn't have the presence of thought to fully absorb every day life, he sure isn't going to be mindful of a wedding anniversary.

We all want to be the Lighthouse, that's why we're standing. With everything you've been doing and continue to detail in your thread, you already are the Lighthouse.

[Brubeck]

Oh, I forgot - thank you for your posts to my thread, HaWho. I followed your advice about letting W keep her babysitting money.