Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #2]

[PsySara]

Are there other places you can take your S for vacation? Are there new traditions you start? And it's ok to feel different things at different times, heck, I go through the full range of emotions daily. One of the most basic (but hardest) principles of DBing is forgiveness of self. If you stumble or begin to spin then just let the stuff wash over you and continue to go through the motions.

As far as being mysterious goes, just don't offer up info. If the spouse digs for it then give pieces instead of the whole story.

[ForGump]

Back from overnight trip. W hasn't been all that friendly in general but there is an ever-so-slight ... hesitation and diminished eye-contact. Makes me feel like she really took advantage of being free last night. To be expected, but ... what can I say. Just kills me.

I don't know how all of you out there who KNOW for a fact there is an OM/OW out there handle it. Life is too fcking cruel.

[ForGump]

Not a big fan of snooping but sometimes I wish I just knew the whole thing I would just bury my hopes once and for all.

To be honest, if there was a simple button I can press to snoop, I'd give in to the temptation. But all the plotting and sneaking and tiptoeing around just feels ... wrong. Maybe if I was a computer/phone expert...

[albac]

Gump,

I have been there. Do not snoop if you can find the strength not to.

I thought about it for a while and wasn't really snooping more like just looking at what was in front of me but I found out who the OM was. I know his name I know what he looks like and you know what? That is burnt in my brain and I see it and think about it EVERYDAY you do NOT want that!!

It was the worst thing I ever did. The less you know the better because the odds are in time it will be done and he will be gone.

The other thing is I don't even care about OM I didn't need to know who he was or what he looked like because if not him it would be someone else. My W wants him it's her that is the problem not him. I imagine he will be gone within months and she will be alone. But either way not my monkeys not my circus I can only work on my life and hope she works out hers.

Stay strong.

[lt0402]

Snooping is really bad for you FG. Like albacore, I'll never forget the messages my W sent to OM about what they would do to each other and about me. Not pleasant to thank about at all.

Hell, if you want a prime example of why not to do it, check out my thread for the past 3 days. That all spiraled bc I knew she was lying and used knowledge I had from Snooping to call her on it. I set myself back bc of it and nothing good came from it.

Better to not snoop once you know there is an AP in the mix. That's when you DB and focus on you and the kids. Let her live in the mess she's creating, no need to know the gory details.

[ForGump]

Thanks albac and lt0402 for your admonishments about snooping. Sounds right to me.

Went for a long run in the evening cool and that cleared my head. Also thought a bit about "how long". I think I'm starting to feel some clarity there. Maybe clarity is the wrong word. But I'm starting to accept that it's open-ended, that it will be an on-going decision made by me, and that I will need to assess what kind of a man I've become or am becoming, and what kind of a woman I want. That's to CT1118 for all his thoughts on this issue -- stimulating and inspiring.

[roist]

Snooping is a hot topic here, with many arguing for and against. Honestly snooping is not the issue.It is how you can handle what you find and whatyou do with your new knowledge.

Snooping has no place in a healthy R, but then most of us here don't have a healthy R. In an unhealthy R it can be useful to distinguish between WAS or WS. It can be useful if you want to find proof and confront. But that is another topic.

Snooping is very bad for the lbs. Whatever you find,your mind will twist it, exaggerate it and especially replay it over and over. That plays havoc with your mental state. I kept tabs on an inappropriate friend who turned out to be just that, though maybe more in W's head. Snooping helped me stay the course but there was a price to pay.

Now that inappropriate friend is dormant. I refuse to use the term gone as we don't know what the future holds. But things are just as bad if not worse despite his absence. So it has nothing to do with OM. It is between you and W. Obsessing on an OM is a waste of energy and time. Use that time to focus on YOU and what you can control. Work on yourself. GAL. Etc

Plus ye are separated. In house but separated. You have to get on with your life as if she is not coming back. It is the only way to survive and the only way there is a chance she will change her mind.

I would not wish in house Sep on anyone, but you can get through this. Best wishes.


PS stop mind reading... ..

[ForGump]

roist -- I needed to hear that. Thank you.

I know my W had EA's, which ended (I know they did, long story). I think she might have another EA, possibly a PA (unlikely), but I just don't know. I just thought getting the full picture might help decimate the last pocket of hope I harbor in my heart.

But I know that the higher/better road to take is to not need that but just go my own way w/o needing that.

[ForGump]

WW noticed I'm not catering to all her needs as before, sent me a note sounding annoyed. I told her it wasn't about her, it was about me moving forward, learning not to be mothering. She replied, "I'm glad I was interpreting things wrong, as I often do."

She apologetically asked me to make dinner (because she was working on her stuff all day), so I did and she appeared to really enjoy it, asking me lots of questions about how I made it. But couldn't really bring herself to give me compliments.

Not sure if I handled the everything well, but it all feels good. But in a temporary way, like if you were solo-sailing across the Pacific, broke a mast, ran out of water, and it rains for 10 minutes.

Note to self: steel yourself.

"Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall."
-- B.D.

[albac]

You did well Gump,

Need to take things for what they are and if it's not a step backwards it's a step forward.

What you said to your W about it not being about her but about you moving forward is a good thing. Gives her something to think about and shows strength on your part.

Keep it up!