Maybell that was not a hijack at all. I greatly appreciate you telling me that story. I've heard things like this before but see that's the thing - it's just so foreign to me and to others I've talked with. I just can't for the life of me figure out why this online thing works for some and not for others? The widow I met last year that lives too far to make any R work found the same thing I have. In fact that is what connected us. I was not all that interested, not disinterested but just hanging out when she brought up how online dating was like "the land of misfit toys" and I was like - no kidding! From there we found out we have a lot in common. I am pretty sure we'd be dating if she didn't live 10 hours away.
I rarely if ever connect with anyone - they won't chat, won't return emails or if they do are gone as soon as they are there. Now I had a good experience last week where someone immediately wanted to talk on the phone - which i prefer anyhow. She was very nice just not my type. But for the most part I get nothing.
It was a kid in a candy store for you? See for me it's like a kid in an abandoned candy store - which may be worse. I'm really hoping for and expecting the candy and it's either been taken or I can't have any. I do a fair amount of weeding out but have met a dozen without a second date. I feel and sound like such a loser just saying these things - and then add to it this has never been the case for me in real life prior to D.
I've had that same "That's Me." They will list a dozen things they are looking for and 10 or 11 will be me. I think, wow its' all there- at least for them. I email and hear NOTHING back. That's often even worse yet. Once in a while I'll get back "I don't think we are a match" I don't ask but think to myself, how is that possible, I'm everything you claim to want. I'm thinking, I am pretty much everything you claim you want yet you won't even respond to an email? I just don't get it.
That again then just brings me back to what in the hell am I doing wrong? You did this in two weeks? I've done online (on and off mind you) since 2008. I've had my Match profile active for two years now - two straight years. I tried to quit at the start of this year and then they gave me that cheap offer to stay and I did. Still, don't get much at all. It's maddening - among other emotions.
I do wonder why God is doing this to me. The only thing that I do know is if I do find a solid match, I will not at all take it for granted. If this last 5 years has taught me anything it's that. It seems to be soooooo rare to find someone I truly want to spend time with that also feels the same. In fact, it's not really happened in a long, long time. So I do have that. I really don't want to get married again. I just don't. I never say never but if that is someone's goal they are better off passing me by as I likely am not going to give them what they want. That doesn't mean no commitment, etc. I just see no point in trying this again - especially since the D rate for 3rd marriages is nearly 80%, Yeah, no thank you. I'll pass on those odds.
I do feel myself pulling back - hopefully in a positive way like you are saying. I just really fear that what you and the others are saying will happen some day just is not going to. I look back at posts here from 2006 and 2007 with people saying that to me - and here we are 10 years later and I'm still waiting!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hi Don, I don't think you are a loser at all, or doing things wrong...but I do think it is useful to go with DB principles and 'do what works.' It doesn't sound as though the current online arrangements are really working for you and perhaps it's time to knock that one on the head and follow a different path.
Part of me says - why not just suspend the desire to meet someone else for now, take the pressure off and just enjoy going with the flow on a solo basis. Otherwise, why not think about a different approach towards meeting people. For example, the salsa class I go to has many nice D'd women (and guys) who attend...not saying take up salsa - but activities that attract both genders and where you can go and make friends without the 'list' of - are we suited? No you only have 10 of my criteria and so I won't email again...I'm not sure whether the world of online dating is the place to be just now as it is full of rejection and you are already wondering what am I doing wrong and am I a failure? (No - you are complete, whole and perfectly imperfect just as you are....and worthy of love and connection.)
If you want to carry on actively seeking someone - have you considered going with a more niche site...XH and I met on a friendship/dating site shared around a current interest...walking groups....church....volunteering etc.
Also, from what you post, it sounds as though you have tons going for you and sometimes it helps to challenge our own mindsets. Instead of thinking - I haven't got a partner and others seem to manage this - focusing on the abundance in our lives already. Instead of my life is half over - I have good health and half my life left to live. Some of your comments sound a little 'midlifey' - I worry that I'll never have this again. My life is half over. I never had these problems in my 20s and so on...Have you watched Shawn Achor's TED talk on happiness? I always revisit that one if I feel in need of a boost...
Lastly, I wouldn't worry about not wanting to marry again. I think there are many women out there who would feel the same...and as for the 'list' - I think the 'spark' is more important and it is good to meet a guy who is comfortable in his own skin and radiates that - who is authentic and grounded. That's what I would seek anyway....
So, I think it could be worth taking the focus off dating, stepping back and focusing on some of the spiritual, internal stuff - how am I feeling and why, what messages am I giving myself. How am I looking after myself and nourishing my own soul etc...
Just my thoughts anyway Don and I hope something in here is useful for you...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My story wasnt' meant to be prescriptive -- I was just telling you how it worked for me. I got lucky and met My Guy after two weeks -- but as I said, he waited five years for me. And he and I almost didn't get off the ground -- he was a little slow to pursue me at first I kept dating other people till he got where I wanted him to be.
As far as the candy store thing -- I got my share of lack of response, ghosting, etc. It was a candy store because I could go back and window shop and imagine what my life might be like with a guy like this or a guy like that. It wasn't that I had my pick of whatever I wanted. I just wasn't at all invested in getting dates. I did stretch my previous boundaries of who I was wiling to engage with, and I met two guys who seemed really nice online that I never went beyond the occasional message exchange with because I couldn't imagine how I, a woman with a graduate degree, would engage with someone who had only a high school diploma.
I will say this -- I went out with one guy who told me in advance that he had "a LOT of experience with first dates" -- and the single hour I spent with him was EXCRUCIATING. There was not one topic of conversation we covered in which he had not had some experience he found just utterly negative. We talked about books, movies, music, etc., and in every single one of those areas there was eye-rolling and sighing and a general aggravation with how the experience had worked out. He also blew up my phone with text photos of his adult coloring book of circus animals. It was awful. There is almost certainly nothing wrong with you but if a lot of your dissatisfaction bleeds out with your dates as it does here, that would be something to examine and get under control.
Like I said, though, I really just want to encourage you that one way or another, if there is something you are seeking you are meant to have it. But you have to invest yourself in being ready when it shows up. However you get there, whether it's online dating or just hanging out or whatever, if you're not the person you want to be to get what you want, you will not find it. You have to live like you're already complete.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What people say they want and what attracts them are night and day different. Half the time they are saying what they think they ought to want, or what they think will look attractive to the person they actually are interested in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Don - You should think about posting your dating profile here, we could probably give you some feedback. But also - you need to think a little differently about online dating. You might have to contacts dozens....even hundreds..... Before getting a good response. And you can't take it personally.
For instance ..... The woman who you thought you met all her requirements, and she wrote back that you weren't a match? Maybe you look just like her abusive ex husband. Or maybe there's something else in your profile that tells her you wouldn't match.
I stopped replying to people I wasn't interested in btw, because no matter how polite I was about it, too many wrote back with angry messages. So don't be upset if someone just doesn't answer. They might not be active, or they might not be interested and scared to say so because of weirdos.
My friend is online dating right now, and she showed me a profile of a guy who had written to her. Looked ok until she flipped through his photos, which featured his very nice motorcycle. She nixed him because of that.
See, it's not just that she's a cautious intellectual person. It's also that her husband died of dementia due to a head injury from a bicycle accident. She cared for him many long heartbreaking years before his death, so she's never going to be comfortable with the fear that a motorcycle riding boyfriend would bring up. No judgment on him, it's just not a match for her.
Also, the nature of online dating is that you may be chatting with several people at once, then go out on a date that's a winner, and suddenly you're not active online anymore. It's a little different than dating IRL.
Don, reading your story I wonder if you really want a R. Sometimes we think we want something but we don't really. I ask because you say that you have found someone but you feel it is impossible due to distance.
People have long distance relationships and move further than that all the time. I moved from Europe to be with WH. He had an affair with OW who lived 3 states away and who has now moved in with WH, away from all of her family. I moved 1000 miles away to live with family (because I had nowhere else to go when WH wanted to separate).
Why is it impossible for you to pursue this? Is it a 10 hour flight or drive?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I can't seem to find it, but you had made a mention of where there was a responsive woman, but YOU didn't feel the chemistry.
Well, that's not a fail. It was a decent woman, who had interest in you, who responded, who didn't ghost you, but you didn't feel the spark. So, maybe you will feel the spark with an interested woman soon.
re: replying to emails. I get many many many emails on these sites. I can't respond to all of them. I weed out the ones that say "hi". You need to give me more than a "hi" I honestly don't reply to those who seem incompatible off the bat. Nor do I reply to those who's opening line is "hey sexy". I know that is not what you are doing.
Women unfortunately get tons more emails from men and just can't go through them all. If someone takes the time to write out a nice message, I respond.
One other thing: big turnoff for me is when a guys profile is everything they DON'T want in a woman. When it is more negative than positive. I don't need to know your deal breakers right up front. Reframe it into positives. Again, I have no clue what your profile says, but maybe take another look.
I honestly exchanged a few emails with a guy and then got busy and hadn't logged ont the app (I had actually just been done with it) when I didn't respond, he reached out and I thought it was nice, so I reached back out and apologized and we are reconnected and he is interested in going out, and even though I have put dating on the back burner, I think I am going to take him up on it.
Step back, take a breather. And remember, meetups and hobbies are a good way to meet people too.
I just stumbled across this thread and *this* is one of my favorite topics. You have received some stellar feedback from some of my favorite posters (Hi MB, KML and Ginger!!! Here is my 2 cents or maybe it is actually a nickel's worth...For what it is worth, I OLD for exactly 3 weeks and met my NG thru a friend. However, I have many, many friends who OLD.
OLD kind of creates a shopping cart mentality and a perception of choice. Yeah, you get a lot of people to look through and you certainly can meet people that you would not normally meet. The reality is that *some* people have a checklist. Yes, we should all have dealbreakers but I wonder when my 40 yr old friend who really wants to get married and have kids doesn't like guys under 6ft tall. She all of 4'11. And I wonder, if you have a great relationship and this person sticks by you, are you going to say on your deathbed that I wish Z was taller? However, you can't change what people are "looking for." They will either compromise or not and some people will be alone at the end of the party. I also think OLD *can* create the impression for some people that "there is always something better." Again, most of those peeps aren't probably really R material anyway.
Everyone is spot on that people show you who they are pretty early. No one likes rejection. Nope. Not at all. I readily admit that while I am probably considered conventionally attractive(as many, many people are so I hope I don't sound like I'm all about myself) by society (I have a death grip on cute and I feel like it's on the farewell tour 2016), I have been rejected. Lots. Or at least I perceived it as rejection. Please don't take these things personally. It certainly doesn't mean you aren't attractive-it just may mean other people are looking for something else. Don't spend too much time thinking about that. I know it stings. Trust me. I do. However, if you dwell on what's not happening, it will make it more challenging to make things happen.
There are many flaky people out there. You just have to accept that culturally it is common and not get bogged down in thinking you are the cause of it.
In regards to lowering standards, this is my very humble opinion. We should all have things that are important to us. However, as I have gotten older and at this stage (and just like everyone else here, I had no idea I would be dating again) there are certain things that aren't as big of a deal. Like I used, to want to make sure I got my Dad's approval when it came to a mate. My dad passed away 3 years ago. I have to use my own instincts to know that "yes, Dad would like this guy!" and use best judgment. Well, because I'm the one in the R
Please remember this. Just because someone is on a dating site, does not mean they are looking for a R. They may be seeking a hook up, simple companionship, and/or just *seeing what is out there.* I have many, many close male friends. I'm well versed in what is out there and I am grateful to have that.
I know some people who have success in OLD and some who have met many nice people, but nothing has materialized into anything serious. Work on being your best self. What Ginger said is spot on^^^^^. The don'ts come across as negative. I'm sure it can get frustrating and just remember this. Just like in DBing, have zero expectations. We don't control how people behave or respond. I can very honestly tell you I have NEVER had a bad date. Why? Because I knew if I went I would have fun-not necessarily because of the other person, rather that I was going to enjoy myself as much as possible.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Oh and Don (I had no idea edit button no longer worked. Sigh!), I just went back and read from the beginning. Congratulations on being clean for so many years. That is a wonderful accomplishment:)
I also read the words "picky" and "won't settle." Again, I think we have turned settling into a bad thing. We ALL settle on certain things or at least something. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. Or perhaps that is the incorrect terminology as "compromise" might be more appropriate.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
One other thing: big turnoff for me is when a guys profile is everything they DON'T want in a woman. When it is more negative than positive. I don't need to know your deal breakers right up front. Reframe it into positives. Again, I have no clue what your profile says, but maybe take another look.
Ditto. A list of "don't" is a huge turnoff. And some of the "don't's" are ridiculous anyway. The other day I saw a man's profile that said he wouldn't date anyone into juicing, vegan, or gluten-free. How controlling is that?
My eyes also glaze over at two things: 1) saying that he's not into drama and 2) that he wants a woman who is equally at home in jeans as a LBD. Every man says that. Every. One. Be different
Posting your profile here is a good idea, if you are brave enough, you'll get some good feedback from some great women.
