New here and separated

[ForGump]

I so desperately want to contact him and say ' I'm still here, remember me I am still your wife!!'

I hope you will think really hard about who your H has demonstrated himself to be recently. What promises and declarations has he made to you and your D?

The guy you fell in love with, the marriage you thought you had, the step-father your D thought she had ... he's not there any more.

You deserve better.

[ForGump]

You deserve better.

p.s. I don't want the above to sound like the typical advice from friends, "Divorce him/her, you deserve better!" I encourage you to focus on being a better person, a strong person, an attractive person -- a lighthouse -- so that people will be attracted to you. That might be your WH, it might be someone else. Remember that old mantra: you can't control your WH, you can only control you.

[Coly23]

Thanks Gump, I appreciate it. I just can't see past this sitch at the moment. As I said I just keep thinking about what he doing and filling in the gaps with no real concrete evidence. Maybe my week away will help me towards detaching. Fingers crossed!

I've sent and email to Cristy to see if I can arrange some coaching. I think maybe it's time. Not sure I can afford it but in the circumstances my wellbeing is important especially if will help me support my support my daughter better...

[ForGump]

I have been there, where you are. And I still find myself at times there, although much less often in recent days. I'm not sure I'm done either. It's possible that I will go back to that place again, as different steps in the D process take place. I feel like I have been hollowed out, there is little left inside me that can cry, mourn and suffer. All my guts have been crushed and scooped out. I have drunk to escape; cried at random times and random places; taken meds to wipe out the depression and be able to sleep more than 5 hours a night. I am left a skeleton. How much more can an empty body suffer? Yet I'm still afraid of the future.

I believe you're in the UK. Not sure how healthcare works there, but can you get IC? You may need to meet with 2-3 or even 4 before finding one you like. That might be a good alternative or an addition to getting help from MWD's outfit.

[ForGump]

Sometimes I tell myself, Just survive. And time takes care of the rest.

[Coly23]

Hi Gump, yes your right I also get counselling as part of EAP at work. I think I will look into that when I get back.

You are right about the feeling hollowed out but for me it's not losing the emotion but losing myself. I see I'm not that person I used to be but long for now. All my friends and family keep telling me I need to find happy Coly again but it's so hard. H has left me but he has also taken with him the person I used to be and is holding her hostage. I don't know how to rescue her back.

Maybe it's the start of truly going dark that has taken me a few steps back in my journey. If all feels so wrong and those thoughts that everyone has of surely going dark is making it easier for HIM to detach keeps playing over and over in my mind. I just want to shout at scream at him but I know it's not going to help.

Yes at the moment survival is my only option and I know we will survive through this but I guess it's the thought of the journey that scares me.

[BluWave]

(((Coly)))

Sweetie, listen to me, you are going in circles and having trouble hearing us. You are in a terrible, painful crisis right now. You are anxious, depressed, and scared and so you of course cannot think clearly.

I want you to slow down and take life day by day. Treat this as though your H has just died--shocking, traumatic, and you are grief stricken, but he is gone. Your goals each day are to eat, sleep, be present for your daughter and just get though the day. Self care in every way possible and as much as you can. Forgive yourself every day, you are only human.

Do not turn to him, talk to him, or tell him how you feel. This will only push him away further! That is what DB is counterintuitive because turning to him feels natural right now. He is gone right now and the M that you had is over. If he sees you are still waiting, available, or any sign of weakness, he will not come back. That is why we call this a fog--he is confused and on his own journey--and you must let him be.

It took me 10 very long months to understand this! My H was so guilt ridden for hurting me that he even left OW and tried to come back, but it didn't work! It wasn't until I let him go and started planning a life without him that he realized "oh no, what have I done, I am going to lose everything!" He needed to see me strong and confident and to really start to let it go.

So you need to grieve--cry, sob, let it out! It's okay to feel miserable, this is soooo hard! But only talk to your safe people! If you are angry punch a bag, scream, yell, and then take a long walk. Then allow yourself to feel better, or enjoy a moment. It's ok! Do everything you need to do for YOU!

I know what you are going through, and I don't even know how I survived--go and read my story--but I DID survive. You will too. Life is long and always changing. One day at a time right now. Let him go and pay him NO attention. Treat him like a friendly neighbor that you could give 2 chits about. If anything will get his attention, that will be it!!! He knows you are still waiting, he knows.

It is only when he sees you are moving on and strong without him that he will reconsider!

And ForGump is right; you deserve better and so does your D! We all hope he wil come around, change, and be a good H and father, but right now he needs to walk this path on his own. All you can do it let him go and take care of you and D right now.

Wake up each day and do the best you can do. Go to bed and forgive yourself for the mistakes. Wake up, rinse, repeat. I promise one day you will feel better!

-Blu

[Coly23]

Thank you Blu and Gump, you two are definately helping me keep on the straight and narrow and I can see how frustrating I must seem!

Everything you are saying to me makes total sense but it's just having difficulty getting into that thick skull of mine! Maybe it's the pain and grief that I am trying to avoid and instead i should just accept that it is part of my life at the moment. Accept that I am frightened and sad and start getting a bit angry too. I think that's what is missing, the anger. I get small glimpses of it and then it turns into sadness and self pitty...

Well H is picking D up from the house in a bit so I have exited stage left and I'm going to the gym for the first time in two months! This is a big step for me.... I shall make sure I am out when he does the drop off too. Not that I think he will want to come in but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing my car there and chosing not to see me. At least I will have taken that choice away from him. I don't want to seem like I am playing games but actually I realise it is better for me to keep my distance. I've also told D that if he asks what I'm up to for her to say she isn't sure. I have her age on my side as everything I say to her goes in one ear and out the other anyway!

Thanks guys, your the best!!

[Cristy]

Hello Coly,

Thanks for the email. Yes, we can arrange some DB Coaching.

You are so right when you say that your well being is worth it.

Please all me at 303-444-7004 and we can work out the details.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Coly23]

Thanks Cristy, I'll ensure I pick this up when I get back from my holiday.

Well Blu & Gump, you will be very proud of me today!

I went to the gym whilst H picked D up and was hoping to be out when he dropped her off but it was getting late and I had a huge amount to do at home. Anyway knowing him I assumed he would do a drive-by drop off as he has done in the past. But no! Annoyingly he decided to come to the house with D and when I opened the door I did a suprise 'oh hello'. He followed D in and I think he expected me to ask him to stay for a cup of tea or something but I just stood by the open door whilst I asked D if she had a good day waiting for him to leave. I think he got the message and wished us both a lovely holiday. He then gave D a hug and then He gave me an awkward kiss which he initiated when he was leaving.

Last week I would have been offering him tea, coffee, dinner, dessert, anything to keep him there but today after the 2x4s this morning I feel a bit more empowered! He even asked if we needed him to get the suitcases down from the loft but I informed that my BL had already got them down for us. Too late! I am so fortunate that I have four BL's to help me!

D went to look at his new flat and he confirmed that he had the lease for twelve months but that he could leave anytime he liked so not to worry. WTF! Anyway I keep remembering not to believe 100% of what he says at the moment! Phew!